I'm Not Okay

It’s been a few weeks since we told Ray about me having a baby; and I was due for my next scan. Gerard and I haven’t really talked since then but he kept his word and sent me money for Bryce’s college. I knew he wanted to come with me to my next scan but I wasn’t really sure if I wanted him to be there, but he is the other father so he had a right to be there, but I didn’t want him to be there. I could either be selfish and not let him come or put my feelings aside for my baby and let him go… Fuck. I pulled out my phone as I headed out the door and into my car; since I was getting bigger I had to wear large hoodies to hide my stomach.

“Come on Gerard pick up,” I said into the phone.

“Hello?” A female voice asked, it defiantly wasn’t Gerard.

“Gerard?” I asked in confusion.

“No this is his wife.”

Fuck.

“Uh…”

“Frank why are you calling? Gerard is my husband, he chose me, leave him alone. Were trying to work things out, don’t call him ever again!” She shouted at me then hung up.

Tears were already falling down my face. How could I forget? I’m the whore that slept with a married man and got pregnant. How could I think that Bryce and Gerard would ever be able to have a relationship with Lynz hating our love child? I didn’t want to risk being late to my doctors, she always cleared a portion of her day for me and I didn’t want to jeopardize someone seeing me, so I wiped away my tears and started the drive. When I got there I went through the back and saw the doctor right away.

“Good morning Frank.” She greeted me; she was very cheerful this morning. “How are you?”

I shrugged as a response.

“Well being pregnant can to that to you, alright shirt up.” She said as I laid down on the table. I lifted up my shirt and put the cool gel on my stomach and started moving around the wand.

Being twenty-three weeks along, the baby was bigger than it used to be so we couldn’t see all of him on the projector, just parts of him. Of course I was smiling, seeing him always put me in a good mood, usually Dr. Shannon would smile at me to but this time she had a concerned look on her face when she moved to see the baby’s head; it worried me.

“Have you been experiencing any tightness around your stomach?” She asked.

“Not that I can remember. Is something wrong?” I asked.

“I’m not quite sure; your son’s head is very close to your birth canal.”

“Birth canal? So I’ll be pushing?”

“You can but I would recommend a C-section.”

“Is there something wrong with him being too close to my birth canal?”

“Yes, he’s very close right now which I don’t like but if he gets closer, your body might think he’s ready to come out and you’ll go into early labor.”

“But I’m only twenty-three weeks along.” I told her, I was starting to get worried and stressed out.

“I know, and babies cannot survive outside of the womb until twenty-four weeks and those babies have a slim chance of surviving.” She explained. I felt tears sting my eyes, I can’t lose my baby. He’s the only good thing that has ever happened to me. Dr. Shannon saw the tears too.

“Don’t stress out Frank that could make it worse.” She said, I nodded and wiped my tears, “Don’t worry I’ve seen this many times before, everything will be okay.” She reassured me, it made me feel a bit better, “But just in case, I’m putting you on bed rest until you deliver, no band practice, no stressful environment, no nothing. Say in bed unless you have to use the restroom okay?”

“But were supposed to go into the studio next week.”

She gave me a look that mothers give to their children when there doing something bad.

“Okay.” I gave in.

“There is something I can do now that will help, but you will be in a lot of pain and we cannot numb you.”

“What is it? I’ll do anything for my baby.”

“Since the baby is so close to the birth canal I can place my hand inside and push him back a bit, but you will be in a lot of pain, you wouldn’t be able to walk nor drive so you will need someone to drive you home and help you out.”

“I’ll do it.” I agreed.

“Okay, I suggest you call your ride before get started.”

I nodded and pulled put my phone and called one of the few people I trusted.

“Hello?” Mikey asked when he answered.

“Hey Mikey, it’s Frank… Can you help me out with something?” I asked.

“Yeah sure, what’s up?”

“I’m about to get a procedure done for the baby and I won’t be able to really walk after and I need a ride home after and someone to help me get my house.”

“Yeah, is everything okay?”

“I’ll explain later.” I told him then we hung up.”

“Okay Frank, pants off.” Dr. Shannon said as she washed her hands and put on gloves, I did as I was told and spread my legs on the table and waited. Before she started though she put a heart monitor on the baby and me to make sure we were both okay, when she finished she sat in front of my legs, “Okay, I’m going in.” She said and she started to push herself into my entrance.

At first it didn’t feel that bad then she stated to push more and it felt like someone was ripping me in half. I screamed out in pain and shut my eyes tight and started to move uncomfortably. Dr. Shannon told me I had to stay still so I did but tear were pouring over my eyes and I held onto the table I was on like my life depended on it. It felt like she had her hand in there forever and every second it was in there, the pain got worse. Finally she pulled her hand out; the pain went down but not by much. There was still a burning pain between my legs.

“Okay, everything looks good now,” She said as she checked the heart monitor. “Let me help you put your pants back on.” She said and I nodded, it hurt but we got my pants back on together and my tears had slow down but I was still in a lot of pain.

Dr. Shannon left to get me some painkillers that were okay for me to take while pregnant because I still in a tremendous amount of pain. I tried not to think about it but it was really hard. Soon she came back in with a glass of water and painkillers. I thanked her and took them.

“Okay, your ride is here and I just want to make sure there your ride and not press so I got their names.Did you call for a Mikey and Gerard Way to pick you up?” She asked.

Notes

Till next we meet my killjoys