Snap shot

Frank showed up half an hour late at eleven thirty. I had managed to slip mikey details about a party going on with the kids in my grade which he took and left as soon as he could to go get fucked up.

I didn't even know whose party it really was I just heard about it during school one day and happened to remember the kids name whose house it was at and when.
Sometimes it pays to listen in on people's conversations.

Either way when frank got here he was quiet and seemed reserved like he was trying to make me get he was serious about going and telling Mikey if I left him again for no reason.

"So how are you going to do this?" He asked me.

"Uh let's go to my room yeah? Mikey may show up if the party's lame and I'd rather be able to lock a door and keep him out so he can't just walk right in." I said

Frank nodded and we went downstairs.
i sat on my bed while frank sat across from me on the futon.
I took a breath preparing myself for all the shitty memories and started talking.

"Okay so the reason I'm always so shitty around people is mainly because of Bert and you know that. I'm sure you've probably guessed that we've had a relationship in the past which is right. Me and Bert dated for two years, since freshman year.
he was amazing and loving and he was my first boyfriend. He always assured me I was beautiful an no one could ever compare to me but it was all bullshit.
He lied to me.

After dating for a year he got frustrated with me because I didn't want to have sex with him. I loved him but I wasn't ready to take that step. He said if we did it, it would somehow make us a more official couple and make me more comfortable about coming out since I still hadn't told anyone officially. He was older than me by a year and a half so he was more experienced which made me pretty nervous too.

One day I decided that I was ready and went to surprise him.
I showed up at his house and went up to his room but when I reached the door I heard it...
the moaning.
I threw the door open and walked in on him having sex. With a fucking girl.

he tried to deny that he had been cheating and said it was just a one time thing. I didn't want to hear it but he wouldn't leave me alone and persuaded me to date him again during sophmore year.
I was stupid and heartbroken and I still didn't want to have sex with him but he wouldn't drop the subject. Everything we did he'd try to turn into sex. I got fed up with it and decided to man up and just do it so he'd leave me alone.
So I went to his house one night during the middle of the school year, and made sure neither of his parents would be home. During a movie marathon he started kissing me which escalated to touching but this time I didn't stop him, I told him to do it, so we did.

The sex was good but I still regret doing it. I wasn't really ready and I knew it.

The next day he dumped me, at school, infront of everyone in homeroom.
Mikey's friend was in my homeroom that year and told mikey along with multiple other people so I got hate all day for something I didn't really want to do.
Then the worst part happened. I had been shoved in a locker by Mikey's asshole homophobic friends but the locker I was shoved into was by Bert's, and I heard him and his friend talking at the end of the day completely oblivious I was right next to them just a few lockers down.
They were talking about me and Bert....and about how they didn't think he'd go through with the bet." I said whispering the last part.

"gerard-" frank started but I wasn't done

"it was a fucking bet." I whispered beginning to cry.
"he used me and took my virginity all for some fucking bet! He lead me on for two years and then he had the nerve to try and get me back this summer. I flipped out on him and we were at a park so a bunch of people saw us fighting.
One of them happened to be James the photographer.

After we had broken up Bert started calling me fat and ugly whenever he'd walk past me in the hall.
I believed it and when James told me that if I did the shoots he could make me look beautiful I bought into it.
My first shoot was on some sex chat site. As soon as the pictures went up people started commenting on them saying I was hot and sexy so it made me feel good.

Eventually the shoots started getting more serious and I ended up fucking people during the shots and making miniature video adds with random dudes.
I only did it at first because I liked being told I was good looking but that only made me want to get more comments and I figured being thinner would get me that so I stopped eating.
It got me a lot of websites wanting my adds but one website wanted me as an actor in they're porn videos.

I was stupid. So fucking stupid.
I did it.
I fucked someone and the video went everywhere. I have no idea how Mikey hasn't found it yet with all the ads for it everywhere but I worry all the time. I used to have blonde hair then which I loved but I can't go back to blonde because I don't want anyone to recognize it.

One day I realized just how stupid I was for doing that. I didn't even know the guy and I still did it not even for the money it was mainly because I wanted to be told I was good looking because I felt like i was getting back at Bert in some weird way but I was wrong.
So wrong and I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed and I punched my mirror one night out of frustration, it shattered and the glass cut my hand up which gave me the idea of cutting because believe it not breaking that mirror felt amazing and then I turned to the blade hoping to get the same feeling again, and it worked for a while but now I just do it to try and get that feeling whenever I feel shitty but I can never get it and I just keep going hoping I do."
I took a moment to collect myself and saw frank was crying and his face looked shocked and sympathy filled.

"I just-frank I like you and the kisses we shared weren't to lead you on in any way, I just got scared. Bert graduated since he was a year older but I still see him around. He's actually friends with Mikey cause he sells him weed sometimes and I just hate knowing he's still around especially when he still flirts with me to mess with my feelings. Frank I like you and I do want to give it a shot." I said and gave him a hopeful look.

Frank didn't say anything. he just nodded and then he kissed me.
The kiss was amazing and we didn't stop. We kept going and things became more heated but unlike with Bert, this time
I was ready.

Notes

Inside gees head:0

So updates may have weird times because I have physical therapy everyday six hours a day for six weeks and it's gonna be hard :( but I'm gonna try guys I promise so please don't get upset if updates aren't out instantly. I love you and I'm trying
I will be on Instagram updating about stories and my shoulder @xxmcrlove cause that I can do that with one hand but not writing constantly with the pain in my arm so just bear with me!

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