You Can Cry All You Want To, I Don't Care

I leave the building and once I step out onto the street my tears start falling again and I walk towards my hotel, feeling completely overwhelmed by the conversation that just took place. What am I meant to do now? Am I meant to forgive him? I walk back to the hotel with a million questions racing through my mind and I don't have an answer for any of them, the only thing I know is that I love him and he keeps hurting me in the worst way possible. Two days later I'm still staying at the hotel and the only person I've had contact with is Mikey who has gone home to stay with dad for a while. Frank keeps messaging me but when I see his name I don't bother reading them, unable to deal with it right now. I am meant to have a shift at the coffee and I decide I should go, needing the money and the distraction so I shower and make myself look presentable before heading out and when I walk into the store ten minutes before I am meant to start Ian is standing behind the counter, a large bunch of red roses laying on the counter infront of him. "Hey" I greet him and he smiles and pulls me into a hug as I go around to him. "It's so good to see you Gee. How have you been? I was going to call you but I thought you might just need some space." "I'm ok thanks" I tell him as I hug back. "And thanks for the space, I do need it although Frank doesn't seem to get that, I've received 65 messages from him in the last two days." "Oh, well I probably shouldn't...." "What's with the flowers?" I ask and Ian chuckles before saying "Honestly? They're for you from Frank, he left because he wasn't sure you would want to see him so he asked if I could give them to you." "Oh my god" I sigh before picking up the flowers and there's a card attached which I open and as I go to read it Ian says "Gee before you read that, I know you probably don't want to hear it but Frank has been miserable without you and he really needs someone to talk to, even if that's all you can offer him try to take some pity on him." I nod before opening the card and what I read shocks me. 'Gee, I love you so much and I miss you every second of the day, I'm struggling to find a reason to get out of bed every day. Please come home, I need you far more than you will ever know - Frank. P.S. She had the baby and it's beautiful but it's not mine.' After hearing Frank could be the father I just assumed it would turn out to be his and finally knowing it's not is kind of shocking and when I look back to Ian he says "He took it harder than I thought he would and he keeps saying now that they know he truly has nothing. He's not in a good place Gee, I've never seen him like this." "What about me Ian? Yeah Franks sad but what about me? How much shit am I meant to put up with? How many times am I meant to let him hurt me? How can I trust anything that comes out of his mouth ever again? If I come back I'll spend the rest of my life doubting every word he speaks, I'll be suspicious of every move he makes. Is it really worth me coming back to have a relationship like that?"

After my shift is over I take my roses and head back to the hotel, finding a glass and half filling it with water before putting the roses in it and sitting them on the table, unable to bring myself to throw them away. After I shower and go back out to get dinner I head back to my room and collapse into bed, pulling the covers over my head and allow myself to drift off to sleep only to wake up a few hours later and when I look at the clock I see it's 2.20am and my stomach feels tied in knots, my chest aching and the all too familiar tears that have been falling on and off since I got here start up again. I miss Frank, I really do but he's hurt me so badly yet again and I don't know if I can put myself through that again. I lay there for over an hour, running over everything in my head again before I make a decision, climbing out of bed and tugging my jeans back on, pulling on shoes before grabbing my room card and leaving, hailing a cab once I get onto the street and ten minutes later I am standing on the street outside the apartment building. I take a few deep breaths, thinking it all over again quickly before I march forward, making my way upstairs and letting myself into the apartment, tiptoeing down the hall and into Franks room, softly closing the door behind me. The moonlight filtering through the blinds falls perfectly on his face, illuminating it and I can see the skin below his eyes is dark and sunken, his jaw is covered in stubble and his whole face looks tired and pale and he looks exactly how I feel inside, tired, defeated and broken. I stand by the door just watching him for a while, trying to build up my nerve before I let out a final shaky breath and I slip off my shoes and jeans, crossing the room and climbing into bed beside him, rolling onto my side to face him and he doesn't wake which I am thankful for. I lay in the dark for a while just staring at his face as my mind races, having originally come here ask him for a divorce so I can finally move on but now that I'm seeing him I can't bring myself to stick by my decision and I know I could never leave him. I slowly drift off to sleep, feeling Frank shuffle closer to me in his sleep for warmth and I wrap my arm around his waist as I fall asleep.

Notes