You're Not In This Alone

That night when Ryan comes home he brings up LA again. I don't say much back, letting him talk about it for a while before he realises I'm not really saying anything and he frowns and says "Sorry." "No I'm listening" I assure him, reaching out and grabbing his hand, squeezing reassuringly and he smiles and says "It's alright." The rest of the night passes in almost silence between us as we cuddle on the couch staring at the tv and the mood feels awkward. After a while Ryan turns the tv off and stands up, offering me his hand and I take it, letting him help me up and he leads me into the bedroom, both of us settling in bed and I roll onto my side, my back to him until he reaches out and grabs my shoulder, rolling me to face him and he seals his lips to mine. I kiss back and as the kiss turns heated Ryan's hand slides over to start unbuttoning my shirt and I tense up and break the kiss to say "Ry I don't...." "Oh" he says softly, hurt evident in his voice as his hands leave me and he shifts back away from me a little. I feel my bottom lip tremble as I softly say "I'm sorry, I just can't...." "Don't worry" he says as he rolls over so his back is to me and I do the same, letting a few silent tears stream down my cheeks. The next morning I wake up and Ryan is gone, the bed cold and empty next to me and I feel my chest ache as I drag myself up, going into the bathroom and getting in the shower. After I've washed myself I sink to the floor, pulling my knees up as I lean back against the wall and I grab my razor off the little shelf where I left it, just twirling it around in my fingers as I think about how easy it would be to break it and take one of the blades out, use it to slice into my skin over and over again so I can relieve some of the utter heartbreak I feel inside. I'm broken from my thoughts by a knocking on the door and I call out that Ryan can come in, the door opening a few seconds later and he says "I've got to go soon, are you almost done?" "Where are you going?" I ask, knowing he doesn't have any meetings today and he says "I'm just going out for a while." "Ok" I say softly as I stand back up and I add "I'll be out in a second," the door closing a few seconds later and I take a deep shaky breath before reaching out and turning the water off.

My day passes slowly, Ryan leaving when I got out of the shower and I still couldn't get a straight answer about where he was going so I sit home all day, playing with Sophie and laying on the couch staring mindlessly at the tv while she naps. It's getting late when Ryan finally comes home, Sophie already down for the night and I was just about to go to bed myself. "Hey babe" Ryan greets me and I can smell alcohol and cigarettes on him and I start to get annoyed. "Where were you all day?" I ask and he chuckles and says "With Bren." "With Bren where?" "Just around, we went to a few peoples places and then Brens band had practice and then we ended up a party." "So you were out having a great fucking time while I was stuck here all day with Sophie?" "Well she's your kid, you're meant to be looking after her." "She's your kid too" I say and anger flickers across Ryan's face as he says "Yeah how do I know for sure? What if the doctors fucked up the tests?" I stare at him in disbelief for a few long seconds before I swing a punch at him, my fist connecting with his nose and he stumbles back as I yell at him "You fucking son of a bitch." Ryan reaches up and swipes his finger under his nose, collecting the blood there before looking at me and saying "What the fuck?" "Sleep on the fucking couch or fuck off but stay the fuck away from me" I yell at him as I cross the room, heading towards the bedroom and Ryan starts to stutter out something but I cut him off by turning back and saying "And I was going to tell you I would go to LA for you.....thanks for saving me a huge mistake asshole." I walk down the hall and into the bedroom, grabbing Ryan's pillow and marching back into the living room, throwing it at him and turning around again, closing the door as I step back into the bedroom and when I reach the bed and sit on the edge I break, big gulping sobs escaping me and I reach for my phone, dialling pa's number and when he answers I choke out "Come get me, please."

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