You're Not In This Alone

Ryan helps me wash, washing my hair for me before helping me out and once we're dried off and dressed again he takes my hand and leads me back to the kitchen where we sit together while I eat, only finishing half of what's on my plate as my appetite goes away quickly and I push the plate away. "Baby please just a little more?" Ryan pleads and I shake my head as I say "If I eat anymore I'll be sick." "Ok baby" he says softly and when I finish my coffee he takes my dishes to the sink and then comes back over and offers me his hand, helping me up and says "You wanna do something?" "Like what?" I ask and he says "Well we could watch tv or go for a walk? Brens band is practicing all day so we could go hang out with them for a while and watch?" "What about Sophie?" "I can watch her for a while" dad says as he comes back into the kitchen and I let out a small sigh as I say "Ok I guess we can go for a while." I go into the bedroom and slip on some shoes, stopping in front of the mirror to put my hair up in a messy bun and I wince slightly at how dead I look. My skin has lost all it's colour and under my eyes are dark like I haven't been sleeping even though that's all I've been doing and I look like I'm sick enough to be dying. I shudder and turn away, unable to look anymore and I cross the room to the crib, picking up Sophie and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead and cuddling her to my chest for a few seconds as I softly say "I'm sorry baby, mommy's trying so hard to be a good mommy because she loves you so so much and she's failing and I'm sorry" before laying her back in her crib, pulling her blanket over her again and when I turn to leave the room Ryan is standing in the doorway and he holds his arms out for me and when I step into them he leans in and whispers in my ear "You're not failing, Sophie loves you and I'm sure if she was old enough to understand what's happening she would tell you not to be silly. I love you too and I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, I know how hard it is for me but I imagine it's nothing compared to how it is for you."

After we leave dad's apartment we get a cab across town to the bands practice space and when we walk in everyone looks over at us with pity written on their faces and I know that they all know. Brendon stops singing mid song and runs over to us, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me off the floor as he crushes me in a massive hug. "I'm so sorry Ruby" he whispers in my ear and I wrap my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in his neck as I feel my eyes well with tears again. When he puts me down my eyes are red and swollen but no tears have fallen and Brendon reaches out and gently cups my chin in his warm hand. "Don't cry" he says softly and I shake my head, trying to clear the tears as I sniffle softly as I say "I'm ok." "Where's the little monster?" "With my dad, I thought it would be too loud for her" I tell him and Brendon nods in agreement and says "Well I better get back to it." As Brendon makes his way back over to the microphone Ryan and I walk over and sit on the couch in the corner, me snuggling into Ryan's side as I pull my feet up under me and Ryan wraps his arm around my waist, holding me close and after a few seconds he tilts his head and presses a soft kiss to my forehead. The band start another song and I feel myself starting to relax, the knot of pain and tension in my chest starting to loosen when the door opens and Liz walks in with some other girl I've never met before, her eyes focusing on me and she turns to whisper to the other girl, both of them looking in my direction again as they start to giggle and I feel all the pain and tension return as I look down into my lap and bite my bottom lip.

Notes

Is anyone still reading/interested in this or am I wasting my time trying to get back into it?