You're Not In This Alone

Pa holds me on the bathroom floor until I feel like I can breathe again before helping me up and he guides me to his bedroom, laying me in his bed and pulling the covers over me and I am surrounded by his and dad's scents and it makes me feel a little calmer. "Baby girl, I know what you're going through right now is really hard and you're allowed to grieve as much as you need to but you've done nothing but sleep and cry for the last three days since..... Baby Ryan's falling apart too and Sophie needs her mother, you need to try and pull it together for them so have another sleep and then please try to get up and do something for a while." I remain silent for a few long seconds, taking in what he's telling me and I'm shocked to discover it's been three days since I lost the baby, I could have sworn it was just yesterday and I know how much it's affecting Ryan but it hurts so badly and I don't think I have it in me to make him feel better and I feel so guilty about Sophie but I've just been so tired. "Is Sophie awake?" "Yeah she's in the living room with dad and Ry." "Bring her in here?" I ask and pa nods, leaving the room and coming back a few seconds later with Sophie in his arms and when she spots me she lets out a small squeal and reaches her hand out to me. I shift around and hold my arms out to her and once pa hands her over I pull her under the covers with me and cuddle her to my chest and she clings to me, her little hands fisting in the front of my shirt as she rubs her face against my neck and I tighten my arms around her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I whisper out to her as I feel my eyes well with tears again and Sophie lets out a soft noise and her breathing starts to even out and so does mine, both of us falling asleep in pa's bed.

The next time I wake up Sophie is gone and dad is laying in bed with me. "Hey sleepy head" he says softly and I rub at my eyes as I croak out "What time is it?" "It's 10.30, in the morning." "How long was I...." "You just slept for 11 hours straight. Baby you're starting to scare me, maybe we should get you to a doctor." "No, I don't....I can't.....please" I choke out, never wanting to see a doctor ever again. "Ok baby you don't have to, it's alright. You wanna get up? I can make you something to eat?" I nod slowly and dad smiles and gets up, reaching out and helping me up too. "What would you like baby? I'll make anything you want." "Pancakes?" "With crispy bacon?" I feel a small smile spread across my face as I nod and dad smiles back before saying "Coffee?" I give him a blank look and he chuckles and says "What was I thinking? Of course you want coffee" and we step into the kitchen where we find Ryan sitting at the table feeding Sophie a bottle. "Hey" he says softly as his face breaks out into a massive smile and I offer him a small smile back, the pain in my chest easing slightly as I watch him feed Sophie who's eyes are slowly slipping closed again. "Nap time?" I ask and he nods and says "Yeah almost, she's been up since 6." I nod in acknowledgement and dad says "So this will take a few minutes, do you wanna take a shower or something while you wait and I nod, not having showered in almost four days. I turn and leave the room, heading back to my bedroom to grab some clean clothes and when I walk into the room all I can see is the blood stains that were on the sheets that night and I feel my stomach clench painfully as I start to shake all over. "Baby are you ok?" Ryan's voice asks from behind me, startling me and I jump slightly as I spin around and see him in the doorway with a sleeping Sophie in his arms. "I just.....I can't be in here" I tell him and he nods and says "Ok babe just go hop in the shower and I'll bring you some clothes." Once I leave the room I go into the bathroom and start the shower, waiting for it to heat up before undressing and stepping in under the hot water and I close my eyes as I let it wash over me, the heat feeling amazing and a few seconds later I hear the door open and Ryan's soft voice says "Babe I got your clothes, I'll just leave them on the bench ok?" "Don't go" I whimper out and Ryan says "What babe?" "Please don't leave me alone." "Ok I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere" he says softly and I take a deep shaky breath before saying "Will you come in here?" "You want me to get in with you?" "Yeah" I tell him and a few seconds later he pulls the curtain back and steps in with me, his arms immediately reaching out for me and I crush myself to his chest, my fingers clutching at his back and he rubs soothing lines up and down my bare back as he says "Shhh it's alright baby I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

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