You're Not In This Alone

After dad takes me home, the doctor having given him instructions to keep me on bed rest for a day or two he helps me into bed where the sheets have been changed and I curl up on my side, staring blankly at the wall and feeling dead inside which I decide is better than the agony I was in earlier. Dad tries talking to me, sitting on the edge of the bed and his hand gently strokes up and down my back but I don't respond, his words just white noise to me until he gives up, leaving the room and giving me space. I lay for hours just staring at the wall and eventually pa comes in and lays behind me, his arm wrapping around my waist and he pulls me back against his chest, warmth radiating down my back and I only just then realise how cold I was but I remain silent, tears rolling down my cheeks and pa holds me until I cry myself to sleep. The next time I wake up Ryan is laying beside me, his face so close to mine I can feel his warm breath washing over my face and when I lock eyes with him I break, loud wails and sobs ripping from my throat along with the occasional pained scream, tears rolling down my cheeks and I vaguely register tears rolling down Ryan's cheeks as well as he pulls me into his chest and his arms wrapped around me are the only things keeping me from falling apart completely. "Shhh baby, oh baby I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't here, oh beautiful" he whispers into my ear as he tries to calm me down and I just wail louder as I bury my face further into his neck, the bed dipping behind me and another pair of hands start rubbing up and down my back but I don't care who it is, feeling like I just want out.

I fall asleep again in Ryan's arms, my mind needing the release sleep provides and when I wake up again I'm alone in the bed but I can hear Ryan on the other side of the room singing softly to Sophie who is making small fussing noises. "I know my beautiful little girl but mommy's having a rest right now because she's not well but it'll be ok and daddy's here" I hear Ryan say to her and her fussing settles down and she falls silent. I continue to stare at the wall and Ryan leaves the room, his footsteps fading down the hallway and I slowly drag myself out of bed, stumbling slowly down the hallway and I barely make it to the bathroom before I open my mouth and vomit into the toilet. I heave again and my self control breaks, tears starting to roll down my cheeks again and I drop to my knees as I let out small sobs in between vomiting and I flinch when warm hands suddenly touch my back. "Oh baby" Ryan says softly and I turn my head to stare at him through the tears and he looks terrible, his eyes swollen and there are dark bags under them like he hasn't slept in days and his skin is pale and lifeless looking. I slowly reach up and run my fingers over the dark skin below his eyes and he closes them, leaning into my touch and I choke out "I'm sorry." "No no baby this isn't your fault" he says softly and as I start to sob again Pa comes into the room and kneels beside us. "Ruby" he says softly and I launch myself into his chest as I wail out "Daddy" breaking down into hysterical sobs again.

Notes