You're Not In This Alone

I stare at the wall feeling dead inside for so long I fall asleep only to wake up several hours later paralysed in fear, panting for breath, certain they are in the room with me. I try to scream for dad and pa but when I open my mouth no noise will come out and I feel the panic rise, my heart beating so fast I fear it will explode. My whole body is soaking wet, sweat making my clothes damp and I take a deep breath, attempting to sit up again and at the slightest sign I can move I launch myself off the bed, running across the room and out into the hallway, running straight for dad and pa's room. When I go in the room is in darkness and I can just make out two shapes under the blanket so I run across the room, grabbing the first one and shaking them, starting to hyperventilate in my panic fueled state, my knees going weak and I go light headed. The shape makes a small noise and I plead "Help me," tears starting to pour down my face. "Oh fuck" I hear faintly as my knees give way and I collapse to the floor, sobbing and shaking all over. "Shh hey baby girl I've got you" I hear dad's voice say as he kneels beside me and pulls me into his chest. "Breathe baby" he tells me and I try but all I can do is pull in choppy shallow breaths that don't really do anything for me. "Big breaths Ruby, come on, breathe with me." I feel my tears slow and I try so hard to focus on the sound of dad's breathing, attempting to match my breaths with his and after a few minutes I can breathe right again. Dad continues to just hold me, his hand gently rubbing my back for a few minutes before he says "Come on baby" helping me up from the floor and wrapping his arm around my waist for support. He leads me from the room and into the bathroom, flicking the light on and I turn my head and bury it in his neck to shield my eyes from the sudden light. Dad urges me forward, letting me keep my face buried until I've adjusted enough to remove it and he steps away from me to start the shower. "Hop in baby girl and I'll go get you some dry pyjamas" he tells me and I shake my head, reaching out and clutching his hand. He brings his free hand up and cups my cheek gently as he says "Ruby I promise you, no one will hurt you. You know I would never let them get you again, I will be right back in two seconds I promise baby girl." I slowly nod my head, letting his hand go and when he turns to leave the room I strip down with shaky hands, stepping in under the hot spray and letting it wash the sticky sweat from my skin. A few seconds later I hear the door knob rattle and I freak out, letting out a small scream as I sink to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest and curling up in a pathetic attempt to protect myself. "Ruby baby it's just me, I'm sorry I scared you'' I hear a voice call out and I call back in a shaky voice "Daddy?" "Yeah baby" he calls back and I feel myself calm down again, slowly standing back up and washing myself before turning the water off. "I'm gonna hand you a towel ok?" Dad tells me before his hand sticks around the end of the curtain, holding the towel out to me. I take it, drying myself off before wrapping it around my body and pulling the curtain back. Dad points to the clean dry clothes he brought me sitting on the bench as I step out before saying "I'll wait outside for you." "No" I almost yell, the word flying out of my mouth due to the panic I feel about being left alone right now. "Ok, that's ok I'll just turn around while you get dressed then" he tells me before turning around to face the wall, giving me privacy to get dressed. I slowly pull on clean underwear before pulling on the pyjama pants and tshirt he brought for me before walking over and touching his back, making him turn to face me. He offers me a weak smile as he says "There we go, that's better" and my mouth curves up into the smallest smile as I agree that I feel a little better now that I'm clean. Dad reaches out and grabs my comb off the bench next to us, walking around behind me and he starts to gently comb my wet hair. I let my eyes slip closed as he combs and he says "I haven't done this in like eight years" laughing to himself slightly and pretty soon he's done and putting the comb back down. "Come on Rubes" he says, taking my hand and leading me from the room. We head back down the hallway and instead of my room he leads me to his and tells me to get in bed. I climb in and immediately pa's hands reach out and pull me closer to him. "Baby girl" he says softly, his hand coming up to stroke my wet hair and I curl into his chest as I feel the bed dip as dad gets back in too, sliding over and spooning me. We all lay awake for a while, my head resting on pa's shoulder as we all cuddle together, both of their arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe until one by one we all fall back to sleep.

The next day I wake up still in dad's bed, pa laying beside me just watching me sleep. "Hey beautiful" he whispers when my eyes open and I reach out and grab his hand, squeezing it tight and remaining silent. I roll my head slightly to see dad is no longer in the bed behind me before rolling it back to look at pa. "You wanna talk about it?" He asks and I shake my head. "Ok, that's alright. Any time you wanna talk I'm here baby, I might understand a little better than you think." I lay there thinking about it for a second before I feel irrationally angry and I snap "How could you possibly fucking understand?" I yell, snatching my hand away from his and sliding away from him, ready to get out of bed. "Because I've been where you are, I've been raped and beaten too, a lot worse than you got" he says, his voice hard, almost angry. I turn my head back to look at him, my eyes wide, looking for any sign that he's lying but I find none, I only see hurt and sadness written all over his face.

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