The World is Ugly

More death threats. More beatings. Thankfully, the bruises and cuts were all on my legs and torso, neither of which I ever exposed. My left arm was lined with cuts at this point. I haven't told anyone. I especially won't tell Gerard. I don't know what he would do. I sat in the tub. shower stream washing me, and brought the razor to my skin. 3... 2... 1. Cut. I inhaled sharply and did the same thing again. Seven freshly cut and bleeding scars lined my arms. Yesterday, JJ locked me in a janitors closet with him. He told me in great detail how he planned to kill me, then locked me in there until class ended, when someone heard me banging on the door and helped me out. I shook throughout the entire day. I kept thinking about what he said. Thankfully, today was Friday, and I didn't have to deal with him.

I washed off the scars and turned off the shower. I looked at my bruised stomach and legs and sighed. Tears were still flowing from my face

It had been a month since I started living with Gerard. I have definitely gotten closer to him and the others. They were practically my family at this point. We still hadn't told them we were dating. A few days ago, we performed our musical number in vocals. I felt utterly terrible to realize this was my first performance that neither mom or dad will see. But Gee and Ray and Frankie and Mikey were there, and that put a smile on my face. I really did love Gerard. He was so sweet, even if I kept him up with my constant midnight panic attacks about my mother and father.I heard a knock at the door, Gee's way of telling me dinner was ready. I wrapped bandages around my arms, put on my pajamas, and went downstairs. The crew sat on the couch, throwing popcorn at eachother. A pizza sat at the coffee table, a few slices taken out. "Hey," Gerard said when he saw me, blowing smoke out of his mouth. I honestly got so used to the smell of smoke I didn't realize when he did it anymore. I nodded and sat at the table, taking a piece of pizza and a bite. "The main girl is here, guys!" yelled Mikey, smiling. Him and Gee were the ones I was closest with (I lived with them, I had to be close) but I still considered Frankie and Ray my best friends. We chatted about grades and school and shit before we decided to play Call of Duty.

They gave up after I won the 30th time.

Around 9, we wished Ray and Frankie a goodnight and it was just the Ways and me. I felt... I don't know the word. But like I had just lied in bed for 5 days and not done anything. I decided to take a walk.

The October air was cool and crisp. It was always like this in Portland, but here people freak out when the temperature drops below, like, 70. I had walked a few blocks before I felt like someone was following me. I turned, but no one was there. I giggled. You're just paranoid Rose. I kept walking but still felt uncomfortable, that right behind me there was someone. I kept turning, but no one was there.

Just paranoia, Rose. Just paranoia.

But my heart was racing. I quickened my pace and started walking back to the house. Then, the smell of liquor filled the air.

Everclear.

Notes