The World is Ugly

When I wake up, I'm in a bed in the nurse's office. I can feel that bandages are wrapped around my waist. I only remember JJ beating me up. That's it. I try to catch the nurse's attention but it comes out a weird croak. She turned around and smiled. "You're up? Slowly sit up." I did as she said. It didn't hurt that bad, but I was still in pain. "What happened?" I asked.
"Mrs. Joy found you in the hallway. You actually weren't hurt that bad, just some bruises and cuts. You're free to go if you want." She was very calm about it. I pulled the curtain that was on the side of my bed over to cover any views of the bed. I cried into my hands. There's so much shit that's happened in my life in the past week. Not like it's fucking months, week. I tried my best not to make any sounds, but a choke or two may have escaped. I calmed myself, thanked the nurse, who handed me my stuff, and I went to class. It was already 10:30? I must have been out for a while. I shuffled over to honors science and sat in my seat in the very back. I didn't pay attention during Ms. Roth's lesson, I wrote Marina and the Diamonds lyrics in my notebook

For go family, for go friends
It's how it started
How it ends
I can't open up and cry
'Cause I've been silent all my life

When the bell rang, I rushed to class. It caused some discomfort in my sides (I assumed that's where the blows they gave me were the worse) but I was a bit paranoid. I was ecstatic to see who sat at the teacher's desk. Mr. Castaneda. He's a sub. My English teacher got sick after the second day (he was kinda sexist, so I'm fine with it) and Castaneda's been our sub. He's super nice. He just gives us free time and enters A's as our grade for any work we should've done. Mr. Castaneda for President. I popped in my earphones and started doodling in my book. Several notes were thrown at me during this class though (he doesn't care about flying notes to be honest) and today was no exception. I really don't understand why they hurt me so much, the letters I mean. They're words on a paper. But every time a crumpled piece of paper reads an insult or death threat I think back to the scars on my left wrist and want to do it again. But I won't. Soon enough, the bell for lunch rings and I go to our usual spot in the back of the school.

"Afternoon," I said as I sat in our circle next to the recycle bin.
"We heard someone got beat up this morning," Gee said, eyeing me.
"Yeah, that.. might've been me."
"Dude, what happened?" Ray asked. He look worried for me.
"I, um... was... was walking to class and he beat me up." I pulled the arms of my jacket farther over my hands. I hope JJ didn't see my arms. "I'm fine though. A bit discomfort in my stomach if I run, but over all good. No need to worry."
"You sure?" Frankie asked.
"Abso-fucking-lutely."
I talked to Ray and Frankie about my dad and what happened the day before, as Gee had mentioned it to them and they were curious. I actually didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't tell them that.

I walked home with them that day. We always switched from topic to topic, but somehow ended up on how cute a couple me and Gerard would be. We kinda just glanced at eachother, both our faces red. We stopped at our house and waved them farewell.
"Dudes, why are your faces red?" Mikey asked when he turned around.
"It's just... embarrassing. You guys keep talking about why we should be a couple. It's awkward. I'm taking care of her for a while, dating would make it super weird." Gerard answered. I nodded in agreement and went upstairs to do my homework. Chemistry. Hated it. So much. I apparently fell asleep, because I woke up a few hours later to Gerard shaking me awake. "Babe, dinner."

I groaned and rolled out of bed. I hate it when my naps are interrupted. We had leftover pizza for dinner, not very spectacular, and some weird soda I'd never heard of called Faygo. It was honestly really sugary and gross but I drank it anyways. I didn't feel like taking a shower, so after I finished I just went back to bed. As I stared out in more-window-than-actual-wall wall, I thought about last night. I had an overwhelming urge to do it again. It couldn't hurt. It was how I took out my sadness. But I resisted. I fell asleep to the droning of the air conditioning.

Notes