The World is Ugly

When I woke up, it was still dark. I looked at the time on my phone. 5 am. I sighed and turned on my side. Gerard wasn't in bed. I guess he was already up. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I had to replace my bandages. That meant looking at the scars.

I slowly peeled the wrap around my arm off. The self-inflicted cuts were red and inflamed. I touched one and it hurt like a bitch. Despite this, I remembered why I basically blacked out and did this to myself. And I felt like doing it again. Before I could act on my thoughts, I wrapped another bandage around my arm. I replaced it on my other arm and went downstairs. Gee sat on the couch, taking a drag from a cigarette. "G'morning," I told him. He saw me and smiled. "Morning." He patted the space next to him on the couch. I sat next to him and he gave me a quick peck on the cheek. We watched the news for a few minutes before a groggy and pissy Mikey came downstairs. "Morning starshine." I playfully said.
"Fuck off."
"Dude, stop," Gerard snapped.
"Sorry. I just... didn't get a lot of sleep last night."
"Why not?"
"Just... stress."
We shrugged it off and had cereal for breakfast. I felt like I was at home here. When I finished, I went upstairs to get ready.

Gerard took showers in the morning, so I couldn't change in the bathroom. I picked out some clothes and locked the door to the room. I started undressing, throwing my clothes in a plastic bag, my makeshift laundry hamper until we have enough money to get my own furniture, and changed into clean underwear. I was having trouble clipping my bra. Maybe that Burger King went to my chest. In my frustration, I didn't hear the bathroom door open and Gerard gasping. I gave up and turned around to get another bra, at which point I realized Gerard was right there. I yelped and grabbed a blanket to cover myself. "Please, please, please tell me you didn't see anything!" I told him. Both of our faces were bright red.
"I-I-I saw your... your chest... that's it."
I groaned. I was really self conscious about my boobs. I put my face in my hands. He apologized and locked himself back in the bathroom. I half-whined, half-sighed.

I didn't speak to him for the rest of the morning, not until we were about to leave. I didn't want to look him in the eye. He grabbed my arm, and grabbed my chin to force me to look at him. "I'm sorry, okay? I should've asked if it was okay to come out."
I was still blushing. "It's fine, really."
"You say that all the time. Is it really fine?"
"Yeah." I gave him a peck on the cheek and started walking.
"By the way, you should have this." He handed me a key. "It's the key to the house. Just in case."
We talked about several different things, somehow getting to the topic of Portland to leather jackets in the summer to pancakes. My arm started feeling really itchy, so I tried to scratch it, only to remember there were bandages covering my arm. "I'm gonna have to get used to these, huh?" I chuckled. Thankfully, I had brought a jacket with me. I didn't wanna deal with remarks and insults about self harm during the day. I pulled it on as we approached the school. The second we walked in, the bell rang. I gave his hand a squeeze before going to class.

~*~ TIME ELAPSE ~*~

"Now class, you've known of this project for a week. It is due on Friday. Understand?" There were murmurs of yes. Just then, the phone rang. Mrs. Joy picked up the receiver. "Hmm? Yes. Yes I'll send her." She looked straight at me. "Thanks." She hung up. "Rose, to the principal's office." Everyone turned to me, their faces full of... an emotion I can't describe. Like, when you think something bad is gonna happen to someone you hate. Someone laughed. "The emo is in trouble!" Then the whole class laughed. I started walking to the principal's office, my hands curled into fists. When I poked my head in, Mr. Fredrickson, the baby-faced principal, motioned me to take a seat. I sat in one of the loveseats he had in front of his desk. His glasses were extremely thick and gave him bug eyes. I hated looking at him. "Now, Rose, we need to talk."
"Mr. Frederickson, I'm sorry. I will apologize to JJ and the other boy I assaulted. I was scared for Gerard, so I jumped on JJ. Anything after that was self-defense. I thought they were going to hurt me."
"I know the story. I talked to Gerard. That's not the problem. We at the school have heard about your mother. We want to get you counseling for any mental... problems, that may have arose."
"I don't want counseling."
"Rose, we insis--"
"I don't want counseling." I didn't want to explain to a room full of people if I had to go to trial with my mom, and I sure as hell didn't wanna tell a therapist I didn't know if I could trust. Last thing I need is everyone at school knowing I put my mom away.
"Rose."
"No." I got up and started walking back to class. I was pissed. I was a few hallways away when the bell rang. Okay, okay, hurry. I quickened my pace. Then, there was the familiar squeaking of sneakers. I started jogging. Almost there. Don't start anything.
"Hey, emo bitch!"
I froze. Why? Move, legs. Please. I felt a hand against on my arm and I flinched, throwing my arm back. It was JJ. He fell to the floor, my jacket going with him. The bandages on my right arm were exposed, slightly bloody from the cuts from my glass. I tried to run, but I felt people grab my arms. One of them pulled off my jacket. exposing both my arms. My left arm. the one I cut, had covered the bandage in blood. I blanked out. I didn't know what to do. I'd been through a bunch of shit this weekend, why this was any worse, I don't know, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't really know what was going on until I felt a fist to my face and I fell to the floor. Right in the fucking eye. I hissed in pain. Then, it was like the first day all over again. Kicks and slaps and punches. They only lasted a minute, but it was a terrible minute. When they left to get to class, I didn't even try to get up. I laid there, trying to steady myself, to calm myself. After a few minutes, I heard clicking heels. Not like Tiffany's. Wedges. Mrs. Joy was wearing wedges, wasn't she? I hear a gasp and Mrs. Joy's face hovers over mine. I don't remember what happens next. I black out.

Notes