Amare aut mori conatur
Enter hell
1st October 1939
It was a while after Billie had given his deployment speech were we issued our equipment for the field. The majority were given the standard Lee Enfields whilst a few were given a stronger and more accurate variant with the expense of added weight if they had a keener eye and better shot. I so happened belonged to this minority. For a lot of people the issuing of the kit was an emotional time. It signified the seriousness of the situation. It was no longer a game. We were going to have to kill, we were going to have to die. I however felt nothing because I had already known the seriousness. Because I had made no connections...
I heard someone enter the billet and slammed shut my diary putting it under my bed. I looked at the door to see Mikey enter. We had made amends after my last outburst. I had apologised for snapping at him and he had apologised for not respecting my decision of dissociation.
'Hey Gee.' Mikey said with a flicker of amusement, he must have heard my sudden movement as he entered the billet.
'Hey Mikey.' I replied. Mikey shuffled uneasily.
'Billie wants to see you.' He said quietly as if spilling a secret even though there was no one else in the billet, everyone else were outside, socialising.
I twisted my face, why would he want to see me? There was no reason.
'Why?' I asked intrigued of the situation I maintained eye contact with him. however then Mikey changed into an awkward position, breaking eye contact and staring down at the floor he clutched his left arm and shuffled his feet.
'I... I don't know.' He said, he was no longer the confident Mikey that conscripted boastfully, no longer the amused Mikey as he entered the billet. The issuing of the kit must have had more negative connotations than I had originally thought. I knew he seemed emotional, it was only natural, he'd seen that this was real and not something to boast about. I quickly stood up out of the bed I'd been lying on and but my forehead against his, my hands on his cheeks.
'Look into my eyes.' I commanded. He made no movement but continued staring down at the floor as a tear rolled down his cheek.
'Look into my eyes' I was more stern this time. He gave me eye contact again as the tear dropped from his cheek exploding against the cold, hard ground next to the black leather boots we'd all become accustomed to wearing. 'You are not going to die. Ray will not die. Billie will not die.'
He gave no response so I made my way to exit the billet and start towards Billie's hut.
'Don't lie Gee.' He called out before I left. Now it was my turn to stare down at the floor. He was right, I couldn't predict what would happen, I had no control over who died, I had no control over the war. I sighed and left the billet clutching the locket Lindsey had gave me. I kissed it and prayed what I told Mikey was right...
***
I knocked on the door of the hut and took a step back. Why Billie would want to see me at this time I couldn't say, my best guesses were he wanted to scorn me of my daydreaming or he wanted to advise me on my shooting. 'Come in' came Billie's voice.
As I entered I was greeted by the stench of tobacco and a faint smell of alcohol.
'Ah, Way, take a seat. Would you like a dash of port or perhaps a little whiskey?' He said indicating to the decanter. The informality in his voice was reassuring. I relaxed as I took a seat.
'No thank you sir' I declined politely
'It's rude to decline hosts Way. I'll pour you a glass of port myself.' Billie scoffed. As he made his way to the decanter he lit a cigarette and put it in the corner of his mouth flicking it side to side playfully.
'Smoke?' he offered.
'No thank you sir, I don't smoke.'
'Your brother never declined.' Billie replied cheerfully placing the glass on the table infront of me as he relaxed in his seat. I never realised Mikey smoked, though come to think of it I did catch the whiff of tobacco on his clothes as I held him. This cheerful Billie, however was a new side. I'd never understood my brother's likening to the angry fellow but this was shedding a new light. Of course he has to be angry, of course he has to act, he needs respect.
'Anyway, you're probably wondering why I called you here Gee.'
The use of the nickname caught me by surprise as I winced at it. Billie noticed
'You don't mind if I call you by that do you?' He recollected himself. Yes I do mind. I mind a hell of a lot, only Mikey and close friends call me Gee. You are neither.
'No sir, of course not.'
'Billie, please, call me Billie. You see Gee, I think that informality between people shows acquaintance which is important at these troubled times wouldn't you agree?'
'Erm, Billie in all due respect, I don't want to be acquainted with anyone in these times I don't want to-'
'I know all about your opinions and ideas. Mikey has told me all about them which is why I called you here' Billie snapped cutting me off, shooting upright in his seat. So Mikey did know. Bastard. Billie stood up, picking up his glass of port in his left hand placing the cigarette between his ring and middle finger, and made his way to the window looking out to the setting sun. He ran his right hand through his short black hair and sighed a deep sigh. I knew I had crossed a line. Billie had shown me the utmost respect and made no mention of my daydreaming antics. In return I'd thrown it back in his face.
'Billie I'm sorry.' Billie turned to look at me showing me his faint blue, worried eyes.
'Look Way, there is a war we are about to fight and like it or not if people care for you, they will help you through pain. Physical and mental. But how are they going to care for you if you don't care for them. At the moment three people care for you. Me, Mikey and Frank. You need more. So forget your ideas.' Billie said all this without breaking eye contact. 'Oh and before you go, if I see you alone all of tomorrow. The list of people who care will be cut down to two. Now leave.' I didn't protest but thanked him and briskly left the hut.
As I made my way back to the billet I reflected on his speech. At the moment three people care for you. Me, Mikey and Frank. Me, Mikey and Frank. Frank. Frank cared about me? I barely knew him, he was only the guy who I couldn't take my eyes off. He winked too. Surely the wink meant nothing. It was only sarcastic. Right?
It was a while after Billie had given his deployment speech were we issued our equipment for the field. The majority were given the standard Lee Enfields whilst a few were given a stronger and more accurate variant with the expense of added weight if they had a keener eye and better shot. I so happened belonged to this minority. For a lot of people the issuing of the kit was an emotional time. It signified the seriousness of the situation. It was no longer a game. We were going to have to kill, we were going to have to die. I however felt nothing because I had already known the seriousness. Because I had made no connections...
I heard someone enter the billet and slammed shut my diary putting it under my bed. I looked at the door to see Mikey enter. We had made amends after my last outburst. I had apologised for snapping at him and he had apologised for not respecting my decision of dissociation.
'Hey Gee.' Mikey said with a flicker of amusement, he must have heard my sudden movement as he entered the billet.
'Hey Mikey.' I replied. Mikey shuffled uneasily.
'Billie wants to see you.' He said quietly as if spilling a secret even though there was no one else in the billet, everyone else were outside, socialising.
I twisted my face, why would he want to see me? There was no reason.
'Why?' I asked intrigued of the situation I maintained eye contact with him. however then Mikey changed into an awkward position, breaking eye contact and staring down at the floor he clutched his left arm and shuffled his feet.
'I... I don't know.' He said, he was no longer the confident Mikey that conscripted boastfully, no longer the amused Mikey as he entered the billet. The issuing of the kit must have had more negative connotations than I had originally thought. I knew he seemed emotional, it was only natural, he'd seen that this was real and not something to boast about. I quickly stood up out of the bed I'd been lying on and but my forehead against his, my hands on his cheeks.
'Look into my eyes.' I commanded. He made no movement but continued staring down at the floor as a tear rolled down his cheek.
'Look into my eyes' I was more stern this time. He gave me eye contact again as the tear dropped from his cheek exploding against the cold, hard ground next to the black leather boots we'd all become accustomed to wearing. 'You are not going to die. Ray will not die. Billie will not die.'
He gave no response so I made my way to exit the billet and start towards Billie's hut.
'Don't lie Gee.' He called out before I left. Now it was my turn to stare down at the floor. He was right, I couldn't predict what would happen, I had no control over who died, I had no control over the war. I sighed and left the billet clutching the locket Lindsey had gave me. I kissed it and prayed what I told Mikey was right...
***
I knocked on the door of the hut and took a step back. Why Billie would want to see me at this time I couldn't say, my best guesses were he wanted to scorn me of my daydreaming or he wanted to advise me on my shooting. 'Come in' came Billie's voice.
As I entered I was greeted by the stench of tobacco and a faint smell of alcohol.
'Ah, Way, take a seat. Would you like a dash of port or perhaps a little whiskey?' He said indicating to the decanter. The informality in his voice was reassuring. I relaxed as I took a seat.
'No thank you sir' I declined politely
'It's rude to decline hosts Way. I'll pour you a glass of port myself.' Billie scoffed. As he made his way to the decanter he lit a cigarette and put it in the corner of his mouth flicking it side to side playfully.
'Smoke?' he offered.
'No thank you sir, I don't smoke.'
'Your brother never declined.' Billie replied cheerfully placing the glass on the table infront of me as he relaxed in his seat. I never realised Mikey smoked, though come to think of it I did catch the whiff of tobacco on his clothes as I held him. This cheerful Billie, however was a new side. I'd never understood my brother's likening to the angry fellow but this was shedding a new light. Of course he has to be angry, of course he has to act, he needs respect.
'Anyway, you're probably wondering why I called you here Gee.'
The use of the nickname caught me by surprise as I winced at it. Billie noticed
'You don't mind if I call you by that do you?' He recollected himself. Yes I do mind. I mind a hell of a lot, only Mikey and close friends call me Gee. You are neither.
'No sir, of course not.'
'Billie, please, call me Billie. You see Gee, I think that informality between people shows acquaintance which is important at these troubled times wouldn't you agree?'
'Erm, Billie in all due respect, I don't want to be acquainted with anyone in these times I don't want to-'
'I know all about your opinions and ideas. Mikey has told me all about them which is why I called you here' Billie snapped cutting me off, shooting upright in his seat. So Mikey did know. Bastard. Billie stood up, picking up his glass of port in his left hand placing the cigarette between his ring and middle finger, and made his way to the window looking out to the setting sun. He ran his right hand through his short black hair and sighed a deep sigh. I knew I had crossed a line. Billie had shown me the utmost respect and made no mention of my daydreaming antics. In return I'd thrown it back in his face.
'Billie I'm sorry.' Billie turned to look at me showing me his faint blue, worried eyes.
'Look Way, there is a war we are about to fight and like it or not if people care for you, they will help you through pain. Physical and mental. But how are they going to care for you if you don't care for them. At the moment three people care for you. Me, Mikey and Frank. You need more. So forget your ideas.' Billie said all this without breaking eye contact. 'Oh and before you go, if I see you alone all of tomorrow. The list of people who care will be cut down to two. Now leave.' I didn't protest but thanked him and briskly left the hut.
As I made my way back to the billet I reflected on his speech. At the moment three people care for you. Me, Mikey and Frank. Me, Mikey and Frank. Frank. Frank cared about me? I barely knew him, he was only the guy who I couldn't take my eyes off. He winked too. Surely the wink meant nothing. It was only sarcastic. Right?
Notes
Frerard approaching? War approaching, what will happen. Unfortunately only I know and you will have to wait to find out ;)
Anyway, I can't believe this nearly has 100 views I just hope that everyone who is reading it is enjoying it. Please give me any feedback whether it positive or constructive :)
Oh and by the way in case you hadn't guessed Billie is based on Bille Joe Armstrong of Greenday
Ooohh,jbgkfd More? I love this!
5/23/14