Don’t fucking reply.
Don’t fucking reply.
Don’t fucking reply.
I was not going to reply to Frank’s text.
Don’t you dare fucking reply.

My phone buzzed again and it startled me so much I almost threw it across the room. It was just another text from Frank. My fingers hovered over the screen for a moment before I could open the message.
“Are you awake?” It said.
“Yes.” I typed, hesitating over the ‘send’ button. My phone buzzed again before I could actually press it.
“Please just talk to me.” it read.
“Hi Frank.” I sent back.
I regretted it instantly because all of a sudden Frank was calling me. I groaned loudly. I didn’t wanna fucking talk on the phone. My defenses were crumbling way too easily.
I answered the call and brought the phone to my ear.
“Hey Frankie.” I sighed.
“Gerard?” he breathed.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Can I… can I come over?” he asked, his voice was shaky and wrecked.
“No.” I said. Fuck. Fuck. Of course he wanted to come over. “Just… no.”
“Please Gerard. I need to talk to you and-”
“Ok fine.” I interrupted. I took a deep breath and tried to resist the urge to hang up. “But no fucking talking. I’m so fucking done with talking today, Frank.”
“Ok? But, what about- I- You-” he stammered. “Ok... I’ll be there soon.”
He hung up before I could protest.

I dropped my phone on the bed and stared up into the darkness. I had maybe 15 to 20 minutes before Frank showed up. That was 15 to 20 minutes to decide if this was a booty call or not.
I changed out of my shirt, after taking a whiff and realizing it smelled like champagne, sweat and 500 different kinds of cologne all mixed together. I didn’t have time to shower the smell out of my hair. I swished a few sips of water in my mouth to reduce the cigarette taste and just stood in my kitchen for a moment, silently panicking. Should I turn on the TV and pretend like I had been watching a movie? Should I leave all the lights off? I had been about to go to sleep after all.
What did Frank even want from me? Fuck. I should have just said ‘no’.
We weren’t friends, so we weren’t really friends with benefits. Definitely not lovers, or boyfriends. We weren’t really anything at all. Not after everything that had happened.
Before I could come to any conclusions there was a knock at the door. I quickly made my way through the living room and pulled the door open. Light flooded in from the hallway as the door swung open.
Frank was standing in the hallway, hands in his pockets, eyes puffy and dark. He looked pallid under the harsh lighting. We just stared at each other silently for a moment that seemed to go on for an eternity. He looked just as wiped out and miserable as he’d sounded on the phone.
“Hey.” I mumbled awkwardly. “Uh, come in.”
He hesitated for a moment before stepping in through the doorway. I closed the door behind us and locked it, drowning us in the darkness of the apartment.
The second the lock slid into place Frank pressed himself against me in a tight hug. I could feel him shaking as I awkwardly wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He buried his face in my chest and let out a breath that sounded somewhere between a sigh and a sob.
“What happened to staying the fuck away from me?” I whispered into his hair, breathing him in.
“Sorry.” he mumbled, hugging me tighter.
“Frank...” I breathed not really sure what I intended to say. I was so exhausted from everything.
“I’m so sorry about earlier…” he said in a shaky, wobbly voice as he pulled away enough to try and look at me in dim. “I know I shouldn’t have-”
“Shut up.” I interrupted. “No talking, remember?”
He nodded.
“Or no... we can talk, just nothing about you or me, or you and me... or Bert, or our band, or me relapsing. I’m just… so fucking done.” I sighed.
“Whatever you want, Gee.” he mumbled, resting his cheek on my shoulder.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair.
“No.” he mumbled. “I just wanted to be here... with you… shit... does that count as talking about you and me?”
“No.” I said, pressing a kiss to his temple. My heart fluttered anxiously at the contact.
He let out a long, sad sigh. “I just… I wish you could have seen the look on your face when you left the studio today. You looked like you never wanted to see me again. So my nightmares were-”
I thought I would have a fucking panic attack if he kept talking. I’d already told him to shut up and that obviously hadn’t worked at all. I grabbed his face and kissed him. He couldn’t keep talking if his lips were busy, right? He wrapped his fingers around my wrists as he kissed back, sighing into my mouth.
I pulled away enough just to speak. “Everything doesn’t have to be so life-and-death with us, Frankie.” I said softly, pressing my forehead against his. “You fucking told me I don’t love you and that… that sucked. I think I’m allowed to be mad at you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He whispered, shaky fingers tracing along my spine.
Well you fucking said it like that, I thought.
“Shut up. I don’t want to fight about this. Just… shut the fuck up, Frank, please.” I groaned. Before I fucking tell you I love you or something stupid like that.
There was a pause. I couldn’t make out his expression in the dark. Perhaps I’d offended him and now he wanted to leave.
He gently pressed his lips against my cheek and let out a sad sigh.
“Come on...” I mumbled, pulling him down the hallway by the arm.

“Do you want to watch TV or a movie or something?” I asked, flicking on the light on my bedside table. Frank perched on the edge of my bed and wrapped his arms around himself.
“No. I’ll just… fall asleep…” he yawned. I watched as he looked around my room curiously. I felt incredibly self-conscious as his eyes catalogued all the little details. I wondered if he was assessing whether or not this was a place he’d want to come back to. The look on his face wasn’t something I was supposed to see but he was too tired to conceal it.
“Isn’t that the point?” I asked. He turned to look at me and smiled sadly.
“Yeah… I guess you’re right. Just… pick something without a lot of guts and screaming. I’ve got enough of that going on up here.” He said, tapping his index finger against his temple.
I turned the TV on and flicked off the lights. The room was illuminated by the eerie blue light on the screen. I sat down beside him on the edge of the bed and flipped to a random channel in the middle of a commercial break. The volume was low on the TV.
The silence between us was thick and uncomfortable as we both stared blankly at the screen. Frank scooted closer to me and rested his head on my shoulder. I slid my arm around his waist and rested my cheek against the top of his head. He shifted then and wrapped both of his arms around me in a side hug that required him to bend his spine uncomfortably.
I was too confused to pull him down on the bed with me. I wanted to scream. I couldn’t figure out how even alone in the dark I was afraid to touch him.
“Do you wanna talk about the dreams you had?” I mumbled. I had to peel my eyes away from the screen when a commercial for an expensive brand of rum came on. The urge for a drink presented itself at the back of my mind.
“I don’t know. Are you gonna tell me to shut up again?” He asked coldly.
“...No.” I said.
“You know, we’re never going to work through this if you keep walking out on me and telling me to shut up.” He said.
“I don’t want to work through it, Frank.” I sighed.
“Why not?” He asked, lifting his head up to look up at me.
“I want things to stay the way they are now. I’d rather wait around for you to decide you don’t like me than actually have to deal with the reality of you not liking me.”
“But I like you.” He said.
“No, you don’t.” I shot back.
“How do you know that? What do you think I’m doing at your place in the middle of the night? Of course I fucking like you.” He said incredulously, voice rising in pitch. He sat up and stared at me with a hard expression, the television distorted the shadows that formed against the profile of his face.
“Frank,” I sighed, sliding my arm off of him. “ If you liked me, you wouldn’t-”
“We signed a fucking contract, Gerard. Don’t tell me what I’d do if I really liked you. Fuck you.” He spat.
I stared at him, completely speechless. This was the exact conversation I had no interest in having.
“Listen. I am trying to find a way out of this.” He continued. “I promise I’ll find a way.”
“Don’t promise shit like that.” I whispered.
I blinked at him as he framed my face with his palms.
“I fucking promise, Gerard.” He said softly.
I sighed.

“...You look so fucking tired. I’m sure I don’t look much better.” He said. “Let’s go to sleep.“
He pulled me down onto the bed and into his arms. His lips pressed against my cheek.
“Someday… I’m going to make you all mine…” he said softly against my ear.
I swallowed hard and shivered, willing myself to not think about what he meant by that. If I thought about the sounds Frank made when I had him half-naked and thrusting into my hand I’d be so fucking screwed.
“But until I can find a way we are just gonna have to live with nights like tonight.”
He pulled a blanket over us and planted a kiss against my forehead.

Nights like tonight are enough. I love you so much. Good night. I thought but couldn’t find the strength to say out loud as I drifted off to sleep.

Notes

uh. idk how i feel about this chapter. might delete/rewrite.
-m