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Married In My Mind

The Underworld

The week or so that followed was incredibly disorienting.
Frank and I spent the daylight hours mostly just trying to ignore and avoid each other for fear of killing each other. It was hard to keep my cool when it felt like there was a big sign above my head that read “Frank and I jacked each other off once and he spends the night like, all the time.
If we didn’t stand at opposite ends of the room during band practice things would quickly get out of hand. I’d tell the band how I thought a chord progression to go. It would start with Frank saying he thought there should be a fill or a bridge or a guitar solo and escalate to us arguing about something stupid, like how I (supposedly) thought Frank’s guitar tracks didn’t matter as much as Ray’s.
When Frank was accusing me of this or that I’d look into his eyes and see burning. He’d never admit it, but he burned for me as much as I burned for him. There was no way he didn’t.
Whenever we’d argue in front of the band they’d all just sit there quietly and look away until Frank stormed out of the room to chain smoke for 20 minutes. He’d always cool down enough to come back and act like nothing happened. Maybe the rest of the band thought we’d work through whatever needed to be worked through if we could just yell at each other for awhile. There were a few times where Ray tried (and failed) to break it up. After a few trials he gave up on that entirely.
One time Bob had mumbled that when we argued we sounded like an old, unhappy married couple and Frank went red in the face. Ray tried to purse his lips and suppress his smile but failed miserably. That was one of the days Frank didn’t come back after smoking.
Bob had spent the rest of the afternoon chuckling and saying, “What?! I don’t get why he got so upset about that?!”

Frank and I spent most nights pitifully trying to console each other. Frank had his nightmares and I had my demons. I never slept for very long. I’d always wake up when I’d hear Frank having bad dreams. We’d kiss and talk until he could fall asleep again.
We would sit on the edge of the bed -sometimes mine, sometimes his- and argue until we were too tired to do anything else but curl up in each others arms and go to sleep.
Sometimes he’d bring up whatever we fought about at band practice earlier in the day. Sometimes we’d just accuse each other of not really caring.
After a few nights we’d decided it was best if we kept the talking to the minimum. I’d pointed out to him that I’d only promised to be there to help him through the nightmares and nothing else. After that, we could barely speak to each other comfortably.
All that was left was this frail shell of a thing. We would hold onto each other in the dark, occasionally kissing when we weren’t feeling too confused about everything.
I tried to tell myself that what we had was better than losing him completely but every morning I woke up next to him I started to doubt it more and more.

Nights I didn’t spend in limbo with Frank I kept busy by wandering out into the underworld with Bert.
Night’s with Bert were… nights with Bert. We’d crash parties and sell drugs and make new friends.
There were a couple of times where guys buying from Bert tried to pick me up. I started to wonder if it would be healthy for me to start seeing someone I could actually just go for. I was tired of sneaking around all the time. I craved the normality of a straightforward date.
Bert was there to kindly remind me that I didn’t want to get caught up in the kind of guy that would pick me up at the kind of parties we went to. Things would get messy when they realized that I was sober and it could only end two ways: I’d either relapse again or I’d have to stop seeing them entirely when we realized how different our priorities were.
Bert was the only person I could completely talk to about my quasi-relationship with Frank. I could be honest with him about everything because he was detached enough from the situation. The only thing that he didn’t like about Frank was that he still ‘acted like he owned me’ but didn’t want the world to know he owned me. Bert said it was stupid I was with someone who wasn’t proud to be with me. I’d explained that there were legal repercussions but he still thought it was wrong of Frank. If I was Bert’s everyone would know about it, he’d say. I was ‘too pretty’ to not show off.

I let out a yawn and rolled over, wrapping my arm around Frank. I buried my face in his shirt.
Wrong boyfriend.” Bert chuckled, scaring the shit out of me. I looked up and realized I was in Bert’s room, not Frank’s.
“Shit. Sorry dude.” I croaked.
“No complaints here, baby.” He said with a smirk, patting my hair.
I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. I was so out of it I didn’t even know where I was waking up anymore.
“Sleep well?” he asked.
“Like the dead.” I said. “How ‘bout you?”
“Don’t remember my dreams which is usually a good sign. I’m hungover. Let’s order pizza.” He yawned.
“Can we get extra pepperoni?” I asked.
“Duh…. go get me a glass of water? I’m thirsty.” He commanded, giving me his best puppy eyes.
“Yes dear.” I chuckled.
I slid out of the bed and headed for the kitchen to fetch Bert a glass of water.
“You’re too good to me.” He said when I returned with the glass. I smiled and curled up into bed next to him. He had his phone pressed to his ear.
“Dammit.’ he muttered, ending the call. “They don’t open for another hour. Let me try the other place.” He took a sip of water and called the other pizza place down the street.
We laid in his bed eating pizza and watching cartoons until I had to leave for band practice.
“You still coming to the thing later?” He asked as I was sliding into my coat.
“Yeah. Wouldn’t miss it.” I grinned.
“Cool.” he said, running his fingers through his tangled blonde hair. “Meet me around 10?”
“Yeah. I’ll call you.”
He pecked me on the cheek before I disappeared out the door.

Band practice felt never-ending and went a lot worse than normal. Frank didn’t say a single fucking word to me. Bert’s whole thing about Frank being ashamed of our relationship stung as I watched Frank set up his guitar and tune with Ray. We made eye contact for a split second and my heart fluttered. I let out a deep sigh and got down to business.
I really couldn’t have been happier when practice was over. I dropped my car off at my apartment and caught a cab over to Bert’s favorite meeting spot: a lame, divey bar in the middle of the city.
We decided to walk to the party from the bar. Bert was too drunk to care how cold it was and I needed the head-clearing chills to keep myself together. I ignored the calls I was getting from Frank. He probably just wanted to come over and after the way the way I’d felt at practice earlier the last thing I was in the mood to do was argue and cuddle.
“So… listen, Gee, I read some of that shit you wrote… like, about Frankie?” Bert said.
“Why?” I groaned.
“You’re into some kinky shit, my friend.” Bert chuckled, punching my arm playfully. “I mean, there was nothing in there that I wouldn’t try myself, but still…”
“Oh my god.” I moaned. “Bert, why?
“Hey man, you’re the one who put it all on the internet.” He slurred, tossing me a shit-eating grin. “You sure your boy is into all that stuff?”
“I’m so not having this conversation with you.” I said. I tried to sound mad but I ended up laughing.
“Whatever.” He said, almost tripping on a crack in the sidewalk.

Tonight the plan was to have a good time and if we were able to push the baggie of pills Bert had… well that would just be the icing on the cake.
For awhile I was lounged on a couch in a quiet room off to the side, chainsmoking. It was rare that we went to parties where you could smoke inside and I intended to relish in every moment of it.
I reached into my pocket for the pack of cigarettes to grab another and felt the bag of pills. I took it out of my pocket and glanced down at it. I was the best kind of small-time drug dealer because I had no intention of sampling the product. I knew exactly what those pills would do to me. I craved the feeling but I wouldn’t chase it. I pinched the capsules in the bag in between my thumb and index finger. The weight was familiar, comforting somehow. It reminded me of living at home and hanging out with Mikey.
“You can be such a masochist...” Bert said, crossing the room and sitting down beside me. He lit a cigarette and rested his head against the back of the couch.
“Yeah.” I sighed.
“It can’t be healthy.” Bert said, sucking on his cigarette.
“It’s probably not.” I admitted.
“Frankie would be awful mad if he caught you in the middle of this shit.” he pointed out.
“Fuck him.” I shrugged.
“You guys fighting again or something? Like… I mean, more than usual?” Bert asked.
“No… I’m just burnt out on the way things have been going, I guess?”
“...Too much of the same shit. Maybe you need to get away for a minute?” He shrugged. “Just a weekend or something. Go out to the woods… take your boy...”
I shot him a look.
“You two still not fucking?” Bert asked.
“No.” I said quickly, my face flushing.
“If anyone finds out how much time you spend alone together they’re just gonna assume you’re fucking anyways.” He pointed out.
I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and dug it out to avoid having to comment on that.
Where are you?” The text from Frank from just over an hour ago read.
Please let me know you’re okay. I’m fucking worried.” The more recent one read.
Just peachy.” I replied.
I glanced up at Bert and then back down at the screen. Frank was calling me but I let it ring and go to voicemail.
Come over.” he texted. He was starting to get too familiar with my cellphone habits. He knew I’d read his texts right away, even if I never picked up the phone.

“Speak of the devil, huh? You need to go to him?” Bert asked.
“I don’t even know anymore… But yeah I should probably go.” I sighed.
“I’d say you could just invite him here but…” He chuckled, puffing his cigarette.
I laughed weakly, trying to picture Frank’s face as his eyes fell on the bag of pills in my hand. I felt sick just thinking about it.
Bert nodded as I handed him the rest of the pills in the bag and left the room. I waded through the crowded dancefloor and made my way outside. I caught a cab, watching the pretty city lights in a daze on the way to Frank’s.

I didn’t need to text him back, he knew I was coming. I let myself in with the spare key he’d given me and made my way to his room sliding out of my coat and kicking off my shoes in the hallway.
He was sitting in bed with the TV remote in his hand. He had deep circles under his eyes and a spaced out look on his face. His eyebrows twitched a little when I slid into the room. It was the only indication I’d get that he was happy to see me. I sat down beside him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pulled him close and placed a chaste kiss to his neck.
“Hi.” I whispered.
He dropped the remote and turned to wrap his arms around my neck.
“Hi.” He whispered back.
The silence of the room was refreshing after spending hours at a crowded party. My ears were still ringing from the music.
“You smell different.” He said softly. “Where were you? Out somewhere? ”
“Out.” I replied.
I knew it wasn’t enough of an explanation but he nodded and smiled as if it was.
He laid down, pulling me down with him. I curled myself around him and breathed him in, pressing sloppy kisses along his neck. He let out a deep yawn and laced his fingers in between mine.
I gently stroked my thumb against the back of his hand. His breaths gradually spread out until they were slow and deep.
“I love you… so much.” he whispered.
I held my breath. I hadn’t expected Frank to say those words out loud… like, ever.
“Frankie?” I asked softly, but he didn’t reply. He was already fast asleep. If he said it in his sleep, there was no way to tell if it was real.
But for now I was just going to pretend it was.

Notes

please let me know what you think. like, please, omg.
-m


Comments

I love this. I've re read it four or five times but never make it to the end. always get caught up. When will there be more?? I need more. I love this.

NOT USED ACCOUNT NOT USED ACCOUNT
11/15/16

Hey, I just wanted to let you know how closely I follow this story. I'm constantly rereading it, I love it so much. Now I'm not trying to rush the writing process, I know how delicate that can be, I jjst really appreciate all your hard work and I get super excited when I see you've updated. :)
Thank you for writing this.

IAmAGhost IAmAGhost
1/14/16

@KayKay
NEVER. HAHHHHHAHAH.
um, no, actually, idk, i'm working on it. i swear.

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
10/1/15

D: when will this be updated?!

KayKay KayKay
9/25/15

@everyone: married in my mind isn't dead it's just taking a little nap. i promise. <3
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
8/15/15