Married In My Mind

Tonight I had one mission:
Get Bert McCracken as drunk as was possible without requiring medical assistance.
I didn’t want the guy to have to go and get his stomach pumped or anything. I just needed him to black the fuck out.
I wanted him to remember that we’d hung out but I didn’t want to remember what we’d done or for how long we’d done it.
For a long time we sat at the back of a random bar we’d found in the city. It was dark and crawling with heavily modded, tattooed punks in dark clothes. It had a pretty decent jukebox. I’d offered to buy the first few rounds of drinks. He didn’t even notice that I was drinking straight soda. By the time he would’ve noticed that he was much drunker than me, he was too drunk to notice much of anything. He’d offered me coke but I’d told him I wanted to wait til later.
I had him call around and find us a party to crash. After another couple rounds of drinks and shots of tequila we caught a cab uptown to a party someone in some band was throwing in the penthouse suite of some hotel. I was a really sketchy on the details, it didn’t matter.
“It’s so nice to have you back, Gee.” He slurred.
“I know. I’ve really missed you.” I told him, resting my head on his shoulder.
I wasn’t lying, either. I’d missed Bert’s stories. He spent the first half of the cab ride talking about all the stupid shit he’d done on his last tour. The rest of the ride was spent discussing whether he should paint his playstation controllers with glitter nail polish or an opalescent shimmer polish. We held hands the whole way, just like old times.
I’d missed the way he was always checking in on me to make sure I was still having fun. I felt kind of bad that I was completely sober.
“You good?” He’d mumbled close to my ear when as we rode the elevator up to the penthouse.
“Yeah. ‘Course.” I said softly. “How ‘bout you?”
“Fuckin’ perfect.” He replied. I could tell he meant it too. He had the biggest grin plastered across his face. I was almost jealous of how happy he was.
We stepped into the crowded hotel suite. Bert steered me through the crowd with a hand on my lower back. We helped ourselves to glasses of champagne and started to make our rounds. Bert introduced me to 20 or 30 pretty, drunk, punk-rock partygoers who I probably wouldn’t remember. I pretended to sip my champagne or casually tipped sips out onto the floor when I thought no one was looking.
At some point I realised that I hadn’t been thinking about Frank at all. I was lost in a crowd of people at the top of some random hotel. He’d never find me here. This wasn’t the kind of place you’d typically find either of us.
It didn’t feel like I was running away from my problems. It felt like coming up for air. With everything that was happening with Frank I’d felt like I was drowning in my emotions. It was nice to be away from it, even if it was just for the night. It was even sort of nice to be away from Mikey who was still stuck on 24/7 protect-Gerard’s-sobriety-at-all-costs mode.
But now Frank was back on my mind. I pulled out my phone and saw that I had a few missed calls and texts from him. I deleted the texts without reading them.
I couldn’t help but think about the fact that he was out there somewhere. Maybe at home, maybe not. I wondered what he was thinking about right in that moment and if he was doing okay.
“You alright, Gee?” Bert mumbled.
I nodded.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me through the crowd. I followed him out of a glass door that opened onto a balcony. I was surprised no one else was out on the balcony. The cool whipping wind was incredibly refreshing after the overwhelming atmosphere of cologne, booze and body heat inside. He lit two cigarettes in his mouth and passed one to me.

“Gerard, what’s wrong? Is there something you wanna like, talk about?” Bert asked, blowing smoke out of the side of his mouth. “You’re like, completely sober.”
I froze up and stared at him, wide-eyed. He let out a satisfied chuckle.
“Come on, you fuckin idiot. I know you. No one nurses one glass of champagne for that long. It’s probably completely flat by now. You’re not fooling anyone. ”
“Yeah.” I sighed, pouring the remaining liquid out on the ground and setting the glass down on into a pot of flowers.
“How come you wanted to come out if you don’t wanna party? Aren’t you supposed to like, avoid people like me?” He asked. I couldn’t read his expression. He was being alarmingly observant, considerate and insightful for a drunk person.
“I’m sorry…”I sighed. “I’m not trying to like, harsh your vibe or anything, dude. It’s just, everyone in my life is so serious and unhappy right now. I just needed to get away from everything you know? I like hanging around you. You’re refreshingly happy and carefree. It’s a better escape than any drug I’ve ever tried. I always feel better when I’m around you.” The words had just kind of vomited out, but it felt good to say them.
He didn’t reply, just stared at me with this confused, contented grin.
“You’re not mad are you?” I asked nervously, taking a puff of my cigarette.
“No.” he chuckled, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. “Fuck no. That’s like… the nicest thing anyone’s said about me in awhile. That’s all.”
“Oh… well, you’re welcome then.” I said, flashing him a grin.
“It’s that stupid asshole in your band, isn’t it?” Bert said.
I nodded, darting my gaze out over the busy street below.
“Is he like, that important? Can’t you just get a new guitarist? I mean I know you’re in love with him and everything but…” he trailed off.
“How do you even know that? Shit.” I chuckled incredulously.
“I dunno man… You mean aside from the little stories you wrote about him that everyone’s so fucking upset about? ...You took his side the other night. You’d have to really love someone to take their side of a fight at my record release party.” He laughed.
“Yeah… Sorry about that.” I said, running a hand through my hair.
“No sweat, man. I’ll admit I was being an asshole.” He said, puffing his smoke. “So was he though. He just walked up and started acting like he fucking owned you. Fucker was trying to tell me my business with you.”
“He was just trying to protect me after what went down the last time you and me hung out.” I shrugged.
“Don’t defend him, Gerard. He fucking punched you in the face that night, remember? You still have a bruise from that shit. I’m sorry but you deserve so much more, dude. I’d fuckin kill to have someone like you. If he doesn’t realize that, he’s not worth your fuckin time.”
“That’s really nice of you to say...” I said, exhaling smoke. “I’m stuck in this weird limbo. Cause like, I want to be with him. Or, I thought I did. But there’s a clause in the contract with our record label that basically says that fucking another band member voids our fuckin deal.”
“Oh… Fuck that.” he said, rolling his eyes and tossing the end of his cigarette over the edge of the balcony. He quickly lit another one.
“Yeah. So like, it almost doesn’t even matter how I feel about it.” I sighed.
“No, I mean, Fuck that. There’s always loopholes. Always. If he’s not even bothering to look for one then he’s a fuckin dumbass...” He said, exhaling smoke.
I hadn’t even thought of that. Of course Bert would be the one to give me shifty legal advice that could potentially fix everything but also quite possibly ruin my career.
“Bert?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for saying all that. I think I really needed to hear it.” I said, leaning over and planting a kiss on his cheek.
“No problem, Gee. I know you’re all in love with that asshole right now or whatever but when you get over him, my offer still stands. I know I’m kind of a fuck-up and I’m usually too high to remember shit like birthdays or anniversaries… but I’d treat you right. I really would.”
“I know you would. You’re a good friend.” I said, I flicked my cigarette off the balcony railing behind him and wrapped an arm around him for a sort of side hug. I leaned my head on his shoulder.
It was about that time that a group of people stepped out onto the balcony. They saw us all caught up in our moment and asked to take our picture. I didn’t mind being seen with Bert. People could make their assumptions about our relationship if they wanted to.
“Frankie’s gonna flip when that hits the internet.” Bert chuckled under his breath, squeezing my shoulder.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I answered when I saw that it was Mikey.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck you’re doing out with Bert McCracken?” He said angrily as soon as I brought the phone to my ear.
It hadn’t hit the internet yet and Mikey already fucking knew about it.
Bert wrapped his arm around my shoulder and planted a kiss on my cheek as the photographer snapped another picture of us. I made at face at the camera as he snapped one more.
“Mikey I’m not-”
“Don’t even try to fucking lie to me.” He said. “I’m coming to get you.”
“No, Mikey, listen.” I said, pulling away from Bert. “I’m completely sober. I’m just at a party.”
“With Bert McCracken!? Gerard, what kind of masochistic ex-junkie hangs around a penthouse party with Bert fucking McCracken sober. You realize how stupid that sounds, right?”
“Think whatever you want to, M. I’m not making this up. Come pick me up if that’s what you want.”
“That’s exactly what I want.” He said, voice layered with worry.
“Okay fine. Call me when you’re downstairs.” I said, dropping the call.

I didn’t need to give him an address. iIkey knew everyone that was worth knowing. He was probably already halfway to the party by the time I hung up.
“You leavin me?” Bert asked.
“Yeah.. I guess someone told my brother I was here.” I said.
“Mikey? He’s still a tight-wound motherfucker then, huh?” he asked.
“Totally is.” I chuckled.
“Well it was nice to see you, Gee. I hope you can sort things out with Frank...” Bert sighed. “Even though he totally doesn’t deserve you.”
“Jesus Bert, I’m not dying. I’m just going home.” I laughed.
“Oh. I just figured you wouldn’t wanna hang out again since you’re all cool and sober now.” He said, raising his eyebrows in surprise.
“I wanna hang out again, dude. I had fun tonight. Uh call me?” I said.
“You got it.” He purred, pecking me on the cheek. I squeezed his shoulder and disappeared into the crowded penthouse.

The elevator was refreshingly silent as it shot down to the lobby. Once out of the hotel I lit a cigarette and waited for Mikey to show up. He pulled up some 15 minutes later, stopping the car directly in front of me.
I slid into the passenger seat without complaining.
“Ok Gerard, what the fuck?” Mikey asked as soon as I’d closed the door. He was tightly gripping the steering wheel.
“I don’t get what you’re so mad about?” I said flatly. It wasn’t true. I knew exactly why he was upset.
“I’m not mad at you, I’m just freaked out. What would you think if you were me and you got a call that your supposedly sober brother was seen with a glass of champagne hanging off fucking Bert McCracken?”
“I know how it sounds, M. I’m sorry-”
“And you fucking disappeared on the band today” he interrupted. “You fucking promised you wouldn’t do this. I’m sorry I just… I don’t understand. What the fuck is going on with you, Gee?” He said, voice wobbling. He sounded like he was about to cry.
“Mikey smell my breath.” I said, leaning over and breathing on his face. “See? No alcohol. I’m sober I promise.”
“Why’d you have to go out and scare the shit out of me like that? If you wanted to go out I could’ve taken you out.” He said sadly, putting the car in drive.
“I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time dealing with everything that happened with Frank.” I swallowed hard. “Y’know. Heartbreak and stuff. I just wanted to get away from anything and anyone that might remind me of him. Bert hates him so… I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“I thought you said you guys were doing better?” He asked.
“We are. Sort of. Not really. I don’t know.” I sighed.
“What happened when he tried to talk to you this afternoon? I thought you guys were gonna make up or make out or… something?”
“That was a total nightmare.” I groaned. “I don’t even want to talk about it.”
“Okay. Well just… fucking tell me next time you wander off into the night with your ex-junkie friends okay? I almost had a heart attack when I found out where you were.”
“Okay.” I agreed, staring out the window. The streets were still soggy with rain. The streetlamps and traffic lights glistened off the road. It was pretty, I thought.
One thing in particular had stood out about my conversation with Bert. I almost felt petty for caring about it so much but I couldn't help myself. He'd called all my fics "little stories". He didn't give a shit about how lame and embarrassing it was that I'd written them. He was the first person I'd spoken to who'd just dismissed them as a tiny part of who I was. He was a good friend. Not even just a good friend. Bert was a good person.

Mikey dropped me off at home, scolding me one final time for scaring him the way I had.
I walked through my apartment towards my bedroom, not even bothering to turn on any of the lights. I kicked off my shoes and collapsed onto my bed.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It couldn’t have been Mikey, he wouldn’t have gotten home yet. I pulled it out. I had 2 texts from Frank. I didn’t want to read them but I couldn’t not read them. Not in my pathetic sleepy, sad state. I missed him too fucking much.
“I guess it’s none of my fucking business. I wish you’d just talk to me about it though.” the older of the 2 messages said. It probably made sense in the context of the earlier messages he had sent. I’d deleted those though, so I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
I opened the one he’d just sent.

“I can’t fucking sleep without you here.” It said.

Notes

hey so... this story isn't transforming into a GERBERT. I pretty promise.
I don't ship it.
This was more of a writing exercise for me. In fics, esp Frerard, Bert always gets written as Gerard's nightmarish, druggie ex-boyfriend. Or they just have a straight up bland platonic relationship.
I wanted to write Bert as someone Gerard is close to, that actually helps him out and is like, good and supportive. So yeah, no gerbert... sorry.
Let me know what you think? <3
I've been updating this like crazy. It feels good man.
-M