I sat on the pull out bed in fetal position, rocking my body back and forth in sync with my heartbeat. It always calmed me down when I was panicking. I tried to stay quiet so I wouldn't wake up Frank. He's done so much for me, the last thing I need to do is wake him up again and hurt him. So now I'm left here in my sweat, tears, and anxiety rocking back and forth like a crazy person as a sad attempt to convince myself it's all okay. Well, it isn't. My usual nightmares are getting worse and worse. Every time I sleep now it's like a war between my brain and my eyes. Each nightmare is always more brutal than the last. I'm going insane from these twisted dreams, I just can't take it anymore. I of course can't tell Frank about the reality of it all. Seeing him stressed over me would shatter my heart, I don't deserve to be cried over let alone stressed about.

I continued to try to calm myself down as I stared out into the darkness of the living room. It's really dark in here and it was kinda of creeping me out but that's the least of my problems right now. It's probably somewhere around three in the morning. I sighed as I stopped rocking and got up to get a drink of water. After all this craziness I think I deserve at least a drink of water. I waddled to the kitchen and turned on the faucet as I reached for a cup in the cupboard. I felt blind since I was basically flailing my arms around trying to feel for the glass. I should've turned on the light but it's too late now. When I finally grab the cup I bring it under the faucet and listen to the sink water fill the glass up until it's overflowing. I was about to let the water continue to flood over the brim of my glass when I heard footsteps coming from the stairs. I immediately stopped the faucet and put the glass on the counter. I vigorously rubbed my eyes as an attempt to make them look less bloodshot. I didn't need to look in a mirror for me to know my eyes looked all puffy. I was crying and screaming in my sleep and vice versa when I woke up; I don't need a mirror.

I quickly rubbed the fuck out of my eyes and picked the glass up again without looking up.

"Gerard..."

I jolted up a bit. I was surprised I didn't notice that Frank was right in front of me. I guess when I was busy trying to make my eyes look less suspicious he took the liberty of getting a closer look at my face since you can barely see anything in the darkness. I stood there silently not knowing what to say, afraid that if I open my mouth I'll tell him everything.

"Gee, answer me...."

His voice was soft enough to make me feel even more guilty. I want to tell him so badly but I don't want him to become even more stressed than he already is. All I am to him is a burden and that's all I'll ever be. By now Frank was close enough to my face that I could feel his breath dancing on my cheeks. No matter how much I wanted to break I didn't say anything.

"Gerard please, what's wrong?"

He sounded so worried that I just cracked. Before I knew it I was a sobbing mess. Frank immediately pulled me into his arms and turned us around so his back was leaning on the counter. He tugged my body closer to his as I cried into the crook of his neck.

I couldn't take it anymore. The nightmares, the panic attacks, the craving. My life is just spiraling downwards and I'm dragging Frank down with me. This needed to stop, I needed to stop. I need to be stopped. I continued to cry until my eyes were too sore to produce another tear. After murmuring a few sweet words and rubbing my back, Frank led me back to the living room and sat me on the couch. He looked like he wanted to talk and I sure as hell looked like I wasn't ready to talk nor listen either.

"Please tell me."

I tried my best to avoid his hurt gaze as I sighed once again realizing that I'm going to have to tell him what's wrong. I'll have to spill my thoughts to him and I'm not sure how he'll react. I just hope I survive through this conversation. It's obvious that I'm not okay but it's just too hard to admit it.

"Well..."

Notes

just a lil filler chapter dont worry guys
title by Pencey Prep
-xo fangoria