I'm Okay Now

I completely forgot that I was still staring into Gerard's warm eyes when my mind was done of reminding me of all the horrors of tonight. I didn't even notice that I was crying until I felt Gerard's soft hand wipe my tears off of my cheek. I couldn't do this anymore. I would be scared for the rest of my life constantly having those flashbacks, there was no point of me living, I wasn't helping anyone. More tears started to fill my eyes and escape as I took one last look at Gerard before I ran into the bathroom with a razor in my hand as I locked the door behind me.
I locked the door behind me so no one would be getting in anytime soon. Deep breaths in and out I reminded my self as I grabbed my bag off the hook and reached down into the secret compartment where my new razor was kept. I could hear my heart beating faster and louder every second longer I stared at the blade. Ah the blade was so sharp and shiny, this was going to be a fun last experience. Hearing Gerard pounding on the white door begging me to let him in only made me more angry at myself, knowing how I'm causing him all this emotional pain. But it will soon be okay Gerard! You won't have to but up with me anymore! I began to sob uncontrollably feeling the warm tears slide down my cheek and only my legs as I slid the razor along my arm tracing the cuts my father has given me today, a sharp pain ran along my whole body as I put pressure down on the blade causing me to let out a small yelp. I continued to cut deeper each time, wondering how much longer it will take for me to die. The amount of blood that poured out my arm was incredible, I didn't know I had this much in me. Every minute I stayed in here made Gerard pound on the bathroom door even louder. The feeling of this blood seemed much more different then all the other times I cut, the color seemed as if it was a much deeper shade of red and it felt warmer then usual, maybe it was because I was so nervous my body started heating up. The pounding on the bathroom door didn't stop for a second.
"Go away!" I yelled threw my sobs, only to find I wasn't the only one crying.
"Katy please!" Gerard begged and I could hear the pain in his voice covered by all the tears that fell from his gorgeous eyes. I didn't replie, I don't know how, I just layed down in the bathtub cutting three more deep gashes into my arm and watching all the blood drip off my body and into the tub. The shade of red was so beautiful, it might actually be my favorite color. I remember my ex telling me that the pain that you give yourself is making up for all the pain that you caused other people. I continued to cry even Louder at the sharp pain that I caused myself yet it just felt so good, I almost felt relieved for once. I cut my arm again only to realize I didn't feel anything anymore, my whole left arm became very numb and I had no feeling in it anymore. I took that as an invitation to move on to my legs. Mikey joined Gerard at yelling at me to open the door, they even tried kicking it down a few times but thankfully it didn't do much. I took off my pants and saw all the scars and bruises my dad gave me from before and the only thought that came to my mind was I deserved it. I looked like a beaten up pumpkin. You know the ones that you find at a pumpkin patch that have been dropped too many times and was rotting all over. I anomaticaly moved the razor down to my leg and put pressure on a cut that was given to me by my father and I reopened it, digging in deeper using my blade and I couldn't help but release a scream that I got from all the pain I was in. As I felt the tingle rush through my body I could hear Gerard and Mikey try everything from kicking the door and attempting to calmly talk to me trying to purswaid me to come out. It hurt me even more to know what I was putting them through so I did what I always do when I felt really bad, I continued to cut. I could tell it was only Gerard who was waiting at the other side of the door, maybe Mikey gave up on me. Good he should. I've never done anything for them and they practically saved my life. If it wasn't for them I would be long dead by now but if it wasn't for me they would still be happy going along with their sunny life, and not having to worry about a suicidal 17 year old all the time. Each time the razor touched my skin, I put on more pressure when I slid it up and down my thigh. Ahh it hurt yet it feelt so good. I let out more screams and continued to sobs the outrageous amount of blood drip down my thigh. it's over now and there's no going back. I heard loud footsteps comming into the room outside of the bathroom and the sound of a metal box drop. SHIT! They probebly had a tool box and where going to break the door handle to get in! I was too exhausted and faint to move, and sometimes think. My vision started to grow blurry as a sharp high pitch ringing in my ears started. sure enoughf if they somehow manage to break in they will find my dead body laying in the bathtubs covered in blood and gashes all over. Suddenly I could feel myself loosing all scenses as I looked over to see the door handle removed from its usual spot. The door flung open and in steped a panicking Gerard. As soon as he looked down at me I knew we both had the same thoughts In mind. I wish I could delete the image of his face when he saw me here. He just looked so horrified, so dissapointed like this was the worse thing he could ever see in his whole life, but he also looked so scared and worried. I felt more tears fall from my eyes as he took off his shirt and wrapped it around my ruined arm and leg hoping it would stop the blood flow and save me. If only he knew he was too late. By now he was hysterically crying and I felt bad knowing what I was putting him threw.
"MIKEY CALL 911 NOW!" He ordered in the most horrifying voice I've ever heard "Katy please don't go, please don't die on me" he whispered, reapetimg the same words over and over again. Why does he even care, sure maybe he kinda likes me but He would never feel the same way I felt about him, that kind of shit only happens in the movies. He was such a sweet guy who had an open heart for anyone and put care and time into everything that he did, including me. I've only known him for four days but thoes four days I had the best days of my life. I love being able to feel so welcomed here and knowing that I get to stare into his bright hazel eyes everyday made me want him even more. We had so much in common, Even being around him made me feel safe and warm inside. I just really wish we had more time to spend together and he dident have too see me like this. I really want to feel those butterflies that I get in my stomach whenever I kiss him, or the way I felt so safe being pulled in for a hug, even brushing his hair with my fingers made me smile - let alone thinking I wasn't able to smile in general.
"Hey Gerard?" I asked noticing I was too weak to even talk. I was going to have to make this quick if I really wanted to let him know. Would it hurt him to hear what I wanted to say?
"Yea beautiful?" He said looking at me and deep into my eyes as he tightened his shirt around my leg, i could see more tears fall from his blood shot eyes and I did the same knowing what he was going threw for me. I will always remember the way his hazel eyes would shine in the light and the way he looked at me, it seemed like I ment a lot to him, if only I could show him that he ment everything to me. I smiled at the words he just spoke and I needed to let him know something before I would be taken away from him forever.
"Gerard I-" was all I remembered saying barley in a whisper as my voice trailed off and I closed my eyes feeling all the light around me fade away. Suddenly everything went dark and I drifted off to a long sleep.

Notes

4/14/14
okay guys! I really hope that you are all enjoying it so far!