Keep Me Safe from Myself

I sat on the hotel bed, still a nervous wreck. My whole body was shaking with anticipation, anxiety, and the five extra cups of coffee I’d drank this morning. Sleep was something I hadn’t thought about in a few days, and I was paying the price. I looked like shit, I really did. My hair was all over the place, my eyes slightly sunken, although the caffeine kept that small aspect of my appearance a little less noticeable. I slowly looked around the mess of a hotel room- clothes were everywhere, the sink piled high with dirty dishes, the laundry bin overflowing. I slowly started to pick up my shit and throw it into my suitcase, still clinging on to the small hope Hannah would be okay. When she woke up, this would all be over.

**Flashback**

I stared at the pale pile of flesh lying on the metallic table in front on me. His face cut to hell, a mangled body for a mangled soul. The only thing separating me and this creature was a thin panel of glass, and an officer. I glared at it with cold eyes, unfazed by the question lingering in my mind of how such an horrible fuck like this could still look so peaceful in the end.

“It’s him. That’s Peckka.” I spit out the word harshly. I balled my fingers into a fist, fighting the urge to just burst in the room and tear off every last bit of skin on his cold, dead body. Son of a bitch was the one under the sheet in the beginning of it all. I guess in my heart I knew it all along. I slowly released an angry breath as the curtains closed swiftly and was led out of the room by the same officer that had been ready to defend the rotting corpse at a moments notice.

At least if she wakes up, it will all be over.

**End Flashback**

I snapped back to reality with blood dripping from my hand and onto the tan carpet. I glanced down; I’d clenched my fists so hard my nails were digging into my skin. I quickly released myself and gripped a paper towel on the nightstand instead. I waited until the bleeding stopped and continued to pack our things in anticipation to finally being able to sleep in our house again.

I practically broke everything smashing our bags into my car, and heard it all rush to the back when I started the car and sped off. I turned right onto our street, passing the familiar houses I saw everyday. White, Blue, Blue, Grey, I listed the colors on the houses to my left before I spotted the big white house with the ‘Way’ mailbox and drove up to it. Driving, driving, driving, then driving right past it. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go back to an empty house, sleep alone in an empty room to wake up in an empty bed. I didn’t want to do anything without her. I didn’t think it was possible to fall for someone this fast. I guess I had to admit it though, as much as I didn’t believe it would ever happen to someone like me, someone so undeserving of the feeling. I loved her. Hannah Belle Daze, I loved her.

It didn’t even feel like I was driving, yet I knew exactly where I was going. My tires continued to roll on the pavement until I pulled into the parking lot of a familiar brick red apartment building. I fumbled the gold key out of my pocket and let myself in.

“Mikey! Frankie! Where you at?” I yelled, and saw a feminine hand point rise above the couch and point down the hallway. I nodded and walked towards the guest room. I heard the guitars blasting out from Frank’s room, so I changed direction and pounded on the door over the music and walked in. They were sitting on the floor against the bed, supporting their guitars with their legs but staring past them. The boys had bars of music papers scattered around them, some with writing and doodles on them, others not so much. Frank looked up and flashed me a smile, pushing his guitar to the side while Mikey continued to jam out, putting a lot of emotion into the sound he produced. The chords he played didn’t sound like any I’d heard before, but they had a great flow to them.

“Oh, don’t let me stop you.” I nodded at Frank to continue playing, when the familiar ‘Smell’s Like Teen Spirit’ tone of Frankie’s cell rang off in the distance.

“BABE!” Blaze’s voice chimed off from the living room. My eyes widened in shock, and my mouth fell open.

“Babe?” I looked at him, his face a bright red. “You didn’t!”

Frank nodded, trying to hide his smirk under his face like a little girl. “I did!” He stood up and raced out of the room, shutting the door halfway behind him.

I stared at Mikey, who looked at me for a moment before continuing to play. I questioned what song, to which he just shook his head.

“None, yet. Frank and I have been working on this tune for a little bit. I don’t know, I like it.” His voice trailed off and he continued to strum, losing himself in his thoughts.

“You mind starting it over for me?” Mikey nodded and complied. Not a song, eh? I scrolled through the lyrics in my mind from my little book, trying to choose one to match this rift of melancholy. The pages turned until I finally decided on one I’d written a few days after the accident. About Hannah, about Mikey. About Casey, the thought slipped through my mind.

Now come one, come all to this tragic affair
Wipe off that makeup, what’s in is despair
So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
You might wake up and notice you’re someone you’re not

If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see
You can find out first hand what it’s like to be me
So gather round, piggies and kiss this goodbye
I’d encourage your smiles, I’ll expect you wont cry.

I started humming through the next few seconds of the sound, when he suddenly stopped. I knew he knew it was for Casey, and the quick look he gave me told me that he knew, that I knew he knew. The guitar fell to his lap, his hands burying themselves in his face, his head leaning back against the side of the mattress. Quiet sobs escaped his lips and I pulled him into a hug, his face buried in my shoulder.

“Hey, hey… Shhh, It’s okay.”

“Why her. She didn’t do anything.. I’m the one that fucked up not-..” He broke out into another fit of tears.

“I know, I know. But it’s not your fault, you know it’s not.” I comforted him as a knock pierced the wooden door, Frankie standing beside it. His eyes held a hurtful look upon them, but his face beamed.

“Guys, as B-E-A-UTIFUL as that sounded, seriously Gee, you’ve got a voice on you. Ok ok-“ He tried to contain his excitement, crushing a sharpie in his right hand.

“Guys, that was the doc. She’s awake.”

Notes

And the sharpie returns. :D

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Xoxo
-Hazel