Keep Me Safe from Myself

**Hannah POV**

Why can’t I just go back to my painless affair?

My eyes raced back and forth in their tightened state, and I immediately started to choke on the tube down my throat. I could feel the oxygen being forced down my lungs, trying to keeping me alive, but my muscles wanted me to breathe on my own, rejecting any and all things down my throat. My eyes flew open, and I grew more terrified by the second.

Waking up was one of the worst decisions I’d ever made. My face felt like a million tiny paper cuts covered in another billion layers of lemon juice. My stomach was loudly and violently protesting, desperate for some sort of solid food. A pale blue hospital gown draped over my torso, the both of us covered by a white bed sheet. I desperately grabbed the remote next to me and pounded the call button, trying to relax my throat enough before I started blowing chunks.

Amy flew in not five seconds later, her eyes wide with excitement. At least someone was happy I was still here. Wait, why was I here?

She slowly detached a few hooks and slid the tube from my trachea, ignoring my gagging and sputtering. They weren’t in protest; I was relieved she came so quickly. She also gave me a quick warning before pushing my blanket aside and slowly removing my catheter, then sliding my blanket back over me. She gave me a loving look, like a mother would her own daughter. Amy couldn’t have any children, but since she saw me so often it was as if I was her own baby girl. It was nice to have her care for me with each visit. The one time she wasn’t here I refused to be cared for until she had come back. I just didn’t trust anyone as much as I did her.

Once I’d finally relaxed and my body was done trying to expel everything my stomach held, which was nothing, I opened my mouth and tried to speak. The only thing that came out was a few squeaks and voice cracks, no words would form. I gave up after a few tries, my face forming a pouty look, like one of a two year old having their favorite toy taken. She turned to the cupboard on her right, and pulled out a white board with a blue expo marker. She began to explain it wasn’t uncommon for this to happen, and how it should subside within a day or two. Fuck me.

She left the room, leaving me to myself for a little while. I had her go get me some food before I’d passed out. I pulled the white sheet that covered myself off of me, wanting to examine myself. I was covered in bruises, cuts and gashes, some glued, some stitched up. I looked like I’d fallen into a pool of scissors, or razors. My head was throbbing, and I shut my eyes again briefly before opening them again. I threw the sheet off of me completely and slowly shifted myself off the bed, my feet handing off the side before they made contact with the ground. Testing my pain level, I determined it to be safe and shifted my weight to my feet. I grabbed the pole with all my lifelines connected to it and carefully made my way to the bathroom on my left.

My eyes made contact with the full length mirror on the other side of the door. Dear God, my face looked like I’d gotten into a fight with Freddy Krueger. Well, more like I lost a fight to Freddy Krueger. Holy Hell, what happened to me? I remember Gee talking to me, but I couldn’t talk back to him. Stupid drugs. I attempted to brush my hair out of my face, looking down at my hand. It was wrapped in five million layers of gauze and tape, it looked like a nub. I tried to move it around to no avail, before lining by forearms up with each other. Yup, still there. I sighed in relief.

I lifted up my gown, wanting to get a good look at myself in this torturous state. My abdomen was covered in big purple and yellow bruises, my ribs making a clear appearance, my legs looking miles apart. I looked like an anorexic. How could society think this was beautiful? I looked sick, pale, close to death. I covered my mouth and quietly gasped in horror, my whole body starting to tremble. The soft gown fluttered back down over my sickly figure, making me look almost normal again.

I clutched my lifelines and slowly made my way back to my bed. Amy was standing there with a big bowl of my favorite coffee ice cream and a glass of water. I smiled and tilted my head down, then quickly forced my face to relax as my face started to sting and burn. I’m not kidding, these cuts were everywhere. Amy put the food down and helped me get comfortable again. I looked around in search of the board and she quickly picked it up from the floor and placed them on my lap.

She stared at me with interest, curious as to what I wanted to say. I dug through what memory I had, looking for Gee’s number, yet nothing came to mind. I gave up and wrote down Frank’s number. Amy took her pen and wrote it on her blank and purple clipboard.

“Oh, that’s right! Frankie’s in town, isn’t he?” I fiercely nodded in agreement, ignoring the pain that quickly followed. She smiled and grabbed her phone, turning to walk out the door. I slammed my hands on the board, desperate for her attention and quickly started to scribble my request.

‘Tell him to bring everyone, and then give me the phone’

She nodded and started to dial the numbers, taking a few steps closer back to my bed. She pulled up a chair and sat at my bedside. She hit the speaker button and the sound sprang to life. The phone rang twice before it got cut off. I heard laughter on the other end, followed by a ‘Hello?’

I couldn’t hold my tears back, as a few fell from my face and onto my lap. “Hello, Frank? You’re on speaker phone. My name is Amy from Mercy Cross. I’m calling about your friend Hannah?” She paused.

“Oh God no…” His voice dropped three levels. I tried to speak but my voice refused to cooperate, so I clapped my hands a few times. Anything to let him know I was okay. “What..?”

“Frank, she’s okay. I’m calling to let you know she’s awake. I have to warn you, she is unable to speak at the moment, so if you decide to come visit- hold on, I’ll let you talk to her. She want’s to hear you.” I grabbed the phone and put him off speaker. Some things were just better left unheard.

I’d never wanted to hear someone so badly. He paused for a small second before continuing.

“Sunshine…?” I let out small cry, stronger than a whimper but not by much, before I started to bawl again. “Oh God, Hannah please let that be you. We were all worried sick. I can’t even imagine how we would have gotten along without you.” My Frankie, my best friend. I was talking to my best friend.

“We’re all coming to smother you in hugs okay? Give us a few minutes.”

I handed the phone to Amy and sloppily dragged the marker across the board. Amy’s eyes scanned the board. “Hold on, Frank. She says ‘Take it easy on the hugs, smother me in sharpie instead.’"

“That’s my girl.” I heard his final comment before the line went dead. A huge smile covered my face, and this time I didn’t care how much it hurt.

It took them less than ten minutes to get here. They all stampeded the room at once. Gerard fought his way through first, quickly followed by Frank, then my sister, and finally Mikey, his arm softly resting in a sling. Gerard rushed to my bedside and helped me into a sitting up position. His face crashed onto mine as we shared a long and meaningful kiss. I softly broke it off and grabbed my whiteboard. I started to scribble-

‘I heard everything. Thank you for the music. I told you I’d come back.’

He wrapped me in a soft hug, holding me delicately, for which I was grateful.

“Uhg, ever heard of no PDA? Let me hug my sister, Way.” My sister pushed him out of the way and hugged me. Frankie wasn’t as gentle, gripping me into a bear hug. It hurt like crazy but I couldn’t back away, not after this.

“They’re dating.” Gerard blurted out, leaning against the wall. His turned his face, nodding towards Frankie and my sister with a sly smile snaked around his face. My mouth fell opened and I squealed in excitement, gripping Frankie tighter for a second hug. “Yeah, they’ve already fucked on every surface of the apartment.” My sister smacked his arm and attempted to push him over.

“We have not!” My sister piped up. “Well, not every surface..” Her voice trailed off and she broke out into a fit of giggles. I quickly wrote down ‘FINALLY’ with my marker and we all shared a laugh. Frank just rolled his eyes.

As I recovering from the parade of hugs, I scanned the room, quickly and quietly.

“What’s wrong?” Both Gerard and Frankie read my face, concern slowly covering theirs.

I scribbled down ‘What Happened?’

“You lost a fight with a cat, what’s it look like?” Frankie joked. I rolled my eyes, my gaze turning to Gerard.

“You guys got in a car accident on the way to school. A car hit your side door, so you got the worst of it.” Gerard calmly said, making his way towards me. That’s right, I thought. Memories began to overwhelm my mind. Mikey covered in blood, the car flipping over and over, my hand being shredded by my phone, Casey flying out of the car..

Casey..

‘Where’s Casey?’ I copied and flipped the sign to show them. They both fell quiet. Frankie shifted his gaze towards the floor. Mikey took one glance and turned himself towards the door, making a quick and quiet exit.

Gerard tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, his face full of sadness. “Case.. Casey didn’t make it, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

A tear slowly rolled down my cheek, which Gerard wiped away with his thumb. He sat on my bed and held me close to him. I closed my eyes with such force I was seeing colors.

“No..” I wrote over and over, unable to accept the fact that I’d lost my best friend because I was too stubborn to stay home. I filled the board with many different sizes of no, before overlapping it with the word ‘Liar’. It couldn’t happen. It didn’t happen.

“I know, I know..” Gerard sat there and held me tighter as I continued to mourn, burying my face into his chest. I lifted my gaze and saw Frankie walk out, then come back with a crying Mikey. His face was just as red as mine, his cheeks soft and swollen. No doubt he was taking this hard. I heard Frankie walk over and looked up. He handed me a sharpie and forced a smile on his face. I quietly shifted my position and handed Gerard the black marker. I held my arm up to him. He popped off the cap and started to draw and doodle and sketch on the fucked up pallet that was myself, slowly but surely using every aspect of talent this amazing man had to make it beautiful again.

Notes

Sorry, I try to update daily but I was at a friends house, trying to mend a broken friendship. I hope this chapter doesn't seem too rushed. I really would appreciate ideas, I need feedback xD Uhg I hate writers block.

Comment, Rate, Subscribe, Criticize. You know what to do~

Xoxo
-Hazel