You Only Hear The Music When Your Heart Begins To Break

The next few days pass slowly and Gerard won't touch me. I know he is scared to hurt me again and in the back of my mind I'm scared to but I crave affection and he refuses
to give me any. My mood shifts and my mind screams at me that Gerard isn't in love with me anymore. We are currently in bed and I have had an exhausting day at work and I just want to sleep but my mind won't shut down. Gerard is starting his first day at art school tomorrow and he falls asleep pretty quickly. Once his breathing evens out I slide out of bed and go into the bathroom. Once I've closed the door I lean back against it and slide down to the floor, burying my head in my hands before the first sob escapes me. I try to keep it down but soon the feelings I've been bottling up for days explode out of me and I curl up on the floor gasping for air as I sob uncontrollably. On the edge of the bathtub I see Gerard's razor and I reach out to grab it, smashing it into the floor to crack the plastic that's encasing the blades. I lay there crying as I contemplate ending it all right now, my mind screaming at me that Gerard would be better off if I did it, it would be giving him an easy out when I feel the door hit my back as Gerard tries to push his way into the bathroom. He slips in through the small opening and drops to his knees grabbing my wrist and squeezing hard, making me release my grip on the blade. "Z what are you doing? Baby what's going on, talk to me please" he pleads with me pulling me up off the floor into his
lap. He rubs my back and starts to gently rock side to side and I melt into his chest, curling my fingers into his shirt and craving the feeling of being held. Gerard realises he isn't going to get a response from me just yet so he whispers soothing things in my ear as he continues to rock me and stroke my back. "I love you so much beautiful. I'm so sorry for the other day and I would do anything to take it back. You mean the world to me and I want to spend the rest of my
life with you, taking care of you and making you smile that breath taking smile of yours any way I can" he whispers and my sobs subside until I'm just gulping for air and regaining my composure. When I've quietened down Gerard continues to soothe me and asks if I'm ready to go back to bed. I bury my face in his neck and nod as he stands up picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom.

When I wake up Gerard is gone and there is a note on the pillow next to me. I open it and start to read 'Baby I'm so sorry I had to leave you but I can't miss my first day of classes. I called the restaurant and told Shaun you need to take a sick day and he said that was fine. I love you so much and I will be home as soon as I can. I hope you have a good day and I will see you soon. All my love (you own my heart) - Gerard.' I glance at the clock and see that my shift should have started two hours ago, meaning Gerard turned off my alarm so I could sleep. I smile a little at how thoughtful he is and snuggle into his pillow, inhaling his scent and feeling better, but missing him already.
After I get out of bed I go into the bathroom to shower and see that Gerard cleaned up the broken razor from last night. I open the cabinet above the sink to take my medication when I see all the spare razors are gone. When I open the draws they are no where to be found. I feel a little hurt that Gerard went to these measures but remember a time when Trick has
done the same thing to me and decide to just let it go. After I shower I walk into the kitchen in search of something to eat when I notice the knife block that usually sits on the bench is missing. I walk to the drawer where the rest of the utensils are kept and there are no sharp knives in there either and I snap, feeling so hurt that he thinks so little of me that he would go to these measures. A voice in the back of my head tells me he's justified in his actions but I shut it out and let rage win. I take the freshly washed plates in the drying rack on the sink and throw them at the wall one by one smashing all of them. When that is done I start on the glasses, screaming loudly letting out my frustration. I stomp out of the kitchen and pull on my shoes grabbing my keys before leaving the house and marching angrily down the street not knowing where I'm going and not caring, just needing to be away from everything.
The sun is starting to set as I make my way home. When I get inside I quietly shut the door and am about to call out for Gerard when I hear his voice coming from the other room. "I don't know where she is Trick and I'm so scared about what might happen to her. She had a complete breakdown last night and when I came home from school today she was gone but she's trashed the kitchen. She is scaring the hell out of me. Tonight was gonna be the night too and now I don't even know where she is" I hear him say and I wonder what he's talking about. What is he planning on doing tonight? He was probably going to break up with you my mind supplies and my breathing hitches and I choke on a sob at the thought. Gerard must have heard because he tells Trick he has to go before I hear him running out of the living room towards me. When he reaches me he wraps his arms around me picking me up off the floor crushing me to his chest. "Z thank god you're alright. Where have you been?" He asks and I shake my head and say "You can put me down now and do what we both know you were planning on doing tonight" I tell him. He puts me down and steps back to look at me confused. "What are you talking about baby?" He asks. "I heard what you were saying on the phone. Tonight was going to be the night, right? So let's get this over with, it's over right? You're breaking up with me?" I ask and he looks confused before shaking his head and reaching out and cupping my face in his hands. "Baby that's not what's going on at all. I love you so much I don't think I could ever leave you" he tells me before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. "You're freezing babe, have you been outside the whole time?" He asks and I nod my head. "You'll get sick babe, come on let's get you in the shower and warm you up" he says as he takes my hand, leading me to the bathroom. Once there he helps me strip off my clothes and once I'm in he sits on the edge of the tub and waits for me to be done. "Baby I think you should go to therapy" he tells me and I pause my actions of washing myself and stare at him. "Trick and I were talking about it and we think it would be a good idea for you to have someone to talk to again." I refuse to say anything back and turn off the water snatching my towel out of his hand and turning my back on him while I dry myself. Gerard sighs, defeated and leaves the bathroom. After I'm dry I wrap the towel around myself and go into the bedroom pulling on a pair of sweatpants and one of Gerard's old worn t shirts that's soft and smells just like him. I lay on the bed and bury my face into his pillow inhaling his scent before I feel the bed dip. I turn my head to the side and see him sitting next to me before he reaches out and strokes my hair. "I'm just worried baby. I want you around forever and if anything ever happened to you I would be completely lost" he tells me as I push my head into his touch. "I'm sorry" I tell him and be opens his arms to me letting me climb into his lap and snuggle into his chest. "So what were you doing if you weren't leaving me then?" I ask and he swallows hard before sliding me off his lap and getting off the bed. He takes my hand and makes me stand up before kneeling infront of me and reaching into his pocket. "Z I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone. You make my life worth living and ever since the day we met I've felt nothing but pure happiness because of you. Will you marry me and make me happy for the rest of my life?" He asks as he pulls a ring from the pocket. I stand there with my mouth open for a second before I remember how to talk and say yes. He smiles the brightest smile I've ever seen on him as he slides the diamond ring onto my finger. I drop to my knees and throw my arms around him as I crush my lips to his. "I love you with all my heart" I murmur against his lips truly happy for the first time in almost a week.

Notes