Sweet sleep, my dark angel
This is the end
"You have to keep him alive." I said to Alex as I sat beside Frank's bed, my fingers entwined with his. "You can't let him die, not after all we've been through."
"I can keep him alive, but something has to be sacrificed." Alex muttered, his eyes on the heart monitor.
"I'll sacrifice anything, just please... I can't lose him." I rushed, not even thinking of the consequences.
"He won't remember any of this, he won't remember you, how you felt about each other. Nothing." Alex explained, his voice steady.
I sat, my mouth open slightly as I thought over what he said, rolling the words around in my mind. "I'll still get to see him?" I enquired. Alex shook his head softly.
"I'm sorry, but I can't control that. When he wakes up, he won't even know you exist. If you meet again, then that is fate, but you might never see him again." He paused. "Is that really better than him dying?"
"If there is a chance I might see him again, then yes, anything is better than watching him be buried." I pushed, holding back the tears.
"I will do everything in my power for you to meet again." Alex whispered.
I took a deep breath as I looked at Frank, my heart thumping against my ribcage. Frank lay there, his skin pale, the gauze around his chest hiding the wounds that placed him here.
James stood in the corner of the room, his eyes downcast. Neither of us had left his side, taking turns in sleeping in case he woke up. Mikey and my mom stopped by occasionally bringing us food or drinks or changes of clothes. Neither of them could convince me to leave Frank's side, no matter how hard they tried.
It had been three days since he was put here and the doctors were already discussing turning off the life support. They wanted us to kill him because they didn't think he would ever wake up.
Something in me knew he would, that all we had to do was hold on, to keep positive. My heart pounded every time I saw him move, even if it was just a twitch of his fingers because it meant that he wasn't gone. That somewhere in his mind Frank was still alive.
"Gerard." James muttered. "It's time."
"I'm not leaving." I whispered, my knuckles going white as I held onto his hand.
"Gerard, it's time for him to go now. I'm sorry." James sighed, his hand on my shoulder as I fought back the sobs threatening to break free.
"I can't leave James, he's not gone, it's all a load of bullshit." I ranted, my arms shaking. "It's just... He can't be gone. Frank can't be dead."
"Gee." Mikey called from the doorway. "Come on." He stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "I've got you. I promise it's all going to be okay."
"It's not though Mikey. It's never going to be okay again." I sobbed when he walked me from the room, his arm around my waist as he tried to keep me upright. "Frank's dead Mikey. He died because of me."
"It wasn't your fault. It will never be your fault." He whispered, his eyes on me as my steps faltered.
I slid to the floor, my head in my hands as I finally opened the floodgates, tears streaming down my face. My heart thumped against my breastbone, Mikey's worried gaze on the top of my head. "I'm sorry Gerard. I am so sorry."
"Don't apologize Mikey, it was me that got him killed. I didn't warn him. I just...I let him go Mikey. I let him walk in there knowing full well what they were after. I just let him get mowed down." I drew in a shaky breath, my vision swimming as I looked up. "I watched as he bled Mikey, I didn't stop it because I was scared."
"Gee, it was not your fault. Goddamnit Gerard, he loved you. He died with the person he loved the most and that is all he wanted. He had the best life he could have had after he met you Gerard."
"But he broke his promise Mikey. He said he would never leave me. He said that he would always be here." I whispered, my head darting up as the electric doors opened. My eyes widened slightly when I saw James walk out alone, his shoulders hunched, shaking slightly as he sobbed. "James." I called as I ran up to him. "James, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have saved him."
"It's fine Gerard. Just, give me space." He muttered before walking off towards his car.
I stood at the edge of the park, my eyes on the swings. Frank stood there, his hands in his pockets, his toes scuffing the bark chips. It took everything in me not to go up to him and introduce myself, to show him how much he meant to me.
I pulled out my sketch book and sat on the floor, my legs crossed underneath me as I grabbed a pencil from my bag, the tip against the page as I drew, Frank's face appearing.
Time flew past in that way, images of Frank filling the page of my sketchbook. My heart thudded as he sat on the swings like we used to, his toes scuffing through the bark chips, his head downcast. My phone rang in my pocket, the constant vibrating getting on my nerves.
The screen held an unknown number and, as I held it to my ear, a sense of deja vu washed over me. "Hello?" I asked, tucking my pencil behind my ear.
"Remember Gerard, don't force anything that wouldn't happen naturally." A male voice said.
"Alex?" I asked, the silence confirming my suspicions. "I won't, I promise. This is just... a goodbye of sorts."
"He'll be okay." Alex whispered before hanging up.
A drop of water landed on my sketchbook, my eyes scanning the empty sky to find its source, my hands flying to my cheeks when I couldn't find any clouds. My cheeks were streaked with tears, my eyes stinging as I realised how much it hurt, seeing Frank, but not being able to talk to him.
Tears dripped onto my sketchbook, smudging the pencil marks, running each image into the other. A Frank soup on the page. The colours smudged into one, my eyes blurring as I looked up.
"Gerard." Ben said from behind me. "Gerard, you okay?" I shook my head, chewing my bottom lip because I was afraid of what I would say. "It's okay. I've got you." He whispered as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, leaning my back against his chest.
"He's dead Ben. Frank's dead and it's all my fault." I whispered, my voice hoarse from all the crying. "He doesn't have a future and all because I didn't warn him."
"It's not your fault he died. You have to think of it as fate, Gerard, what happened, happened for a reason. Life never puts you through more than you can handle." Ben paused and took a deep breath. "This is just one of those challenges that you have to get through. You have people here with you every step of the way, you just have to hold on and keep fighting."
"I don't want to, not without Frank. He was the reason I'm still here and now he's not, well, there's no point." I sobbed. Ben sighed and rested his chin against my head.
I loosened the tie I was wearing and tugged it over my head, slowly unbuttoning my shirt to see the marks beneath. Bruises and cuts marked my torso, all of them self inflicted, the only way I could feel something.
Every night I would wake in a cold sweat with tears streaking down my face. Nightmares plagued even my waking moments, every turn I made showing me images of Frank.
On nights like that Mikey would come into my room with a pillow and a blanket and curl up on my chair until I was asleep again, his eyes on me as I tried to force myself to sleep.
Frank still lived in Bellville but, by some cruel twist of fate, our paths never crossed. Every chance there was for us to meet, something else arose, forcing me to take another path or go to a different store.
Ben had tried to get me to fall in love with him but I refused, knowing that my love for Frank would stop me loving another man in the same way again. He understood and, even though I never reciprocated his feelings, he still took care of me when I couldn't even find the strength to stand.
My mother and father became closer than ever, their fear for me turning their hatred back into love. Their marriage became stronger, their issues resolved when they thought I would die. My dad apologised for everything, his hands never straying to hit me or my brother again. My mother became much calmer and she realised that, even if she had succeeded in keeping me and Frank apart, I would still be broken.
Empty pill bottles lined my window ledge, half filled bottles of alcohol strewn across my bedroom floor. I was quite literally drowning my sorrows. The only way the image of Frank would disappear was if I became someone else, the drugs and the drink forcing me to become the other entity.
It hurt, losing Frank. I would rummage through my wardrobe for a pair of pants and come up with one of Frank's t-shirts or a hoodie that smelled like him and I would break down. Mikey would find me curled up in my cupboard, my face streaked with tears as I shook with the sobs I was trying to hide.
Four days after Frank 'died' I got a voicemail from James, sobs choking every word before it ended bluntly, the final words being 'I'm sorry'. I climbed to my feet and ran to his house, scared for his safety. I needn't have been.
"James!" I yelled as I ran through the front door. Silence was my answer, my voice echoing around the empty room. "Goddamnit." I muttered as I searched each room, coming up empty.
I caught a glimpse of the basement door out of the corner of my eye, my heart pounding as I thought where he could be. I shook my head slightly as I placed my hand on the doorknob, twisting it gingerly as a creak filled the kitchen. "Please don't be down here." I whispered.
My footsteps echoed around the stairwell, the glow from the kitchen lighting my way. After taking a deep breath, I turned the corner, my breath catching in my throat as I saw him. "James?" I whispered as I walked closer, unsure that what I was seeing was reality.
James took his own life. Hung himself from the rafters. He had blamed himself for Frank's death, managed to convince himself that, if he was a better dad, he would still be here.
I managed to find it in myself to go to the prison and tell John. He broke down, he blamed himself for doing everything wrong and that he didn't prove to him how much he loved him. It broke my heart then. Seeing him so vulnerable.
I got a phone call from the prison the next day.
John had tried to kill himself, crying out that he wanted to be with James. He's currently in intensive care as they fight to keep him alive. Even with everything he did to me, I still go to visit.
He has no-one now and I can't see him alone, not when he needs people the most.
Mikey is a different story. Since Frank died, he has become stronger. Hardened to the outside world. He will fight my honour when people blame me and he protects everything he believes to be right. My little brother who was afraid of the world has become stronger in a way I would never have predicted.
So here I am, a gun clutched in my fingers, tears staining my face as I remembered everything I was giving up. The notes had been written, placed on the correct pillows, I just had to hope that no-one came home before I was finished. "I'm sorry." I sobbed as I placed the barrel in my mouth, my finger on the trigger.
"I can keep him alive, but something has to be sacrificed." Alex muttered, his eyes on the heart monitor.
"I'll sacrifice anything, just please... I can't lose him." I rushed, not even thinking of the consequences.
"He won't remember any of this, he won't remember you, how you felt about each other. Nothing." Alex explained, his voice steady.
I sat, my mouth open slightly as I thought over what he said, rolling the words around in my mind. "I'll still get to see him?" I enquired. Alex shook his head softly.
"I'm sorry, but I can't control that. When he wakes up, he won't even know you exist. If you meet again, then that is fate, but you might never see him again." He paused. "Is that really better than him dying?"
"If there is a chance I might see him again, then yes, anything is better than watching him be buried." I pushed, holding back the tears.
"I will do everything in my power for you to meet again." Alex whispered.
I took a deep breath as I looked at Frank, my heart thumping against my ribcage. Frank lay there, his skin pale, the gauze around his chest hiding the wounds that placed him here.
James stood in the corner of the room, his eyes downcast. Neither of us had left his side, taking turns in sleeping in case he woke up. Mikey and my mom stopped by occasionally bringing us food or drinks or changes of clothes. Neither of them could convince me to leave Frank's side, no matter how hard they tried.
It had been three days since he was put here and the doctors were already discussing turning off the life support. They wanted us to kill him because they didn't think he would ever wake up.
Something in me knew he would, that all we had to do was hold on, to keep positive. My heart pounded every time I saw him move, even if it was just a twitch of his fingers because it meant that he wasn't gone. That somewhere in his mind Frank was still alive.
"Gerard." James muttered. "It's time."
"I'm not leaving." I whispered, my knuckles going white as I held onto his hand.
"Gerard, it's time for him to go now. I'm sorry." James sighed, his hand on my shoulder as I fought back the sobs threatening to break free.
"I can't leave James, he's not gone, it's all a load of bullshit." I ranted, my arms shaking. "It's just... He can't be gone. Frank can't be dead."
"Gee." Mikey called from the doorway. "Come on." He stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "I've got you. I promise it's all going to be okay."
"It's not though Mikey. It's never going to be okay again." I sobbed when he walked me from the room, his arm around my waist as he tried to keep me upright. "Frank's dead Mikey. He died because of me."
"It wasn't your fault. It will never be your fault." He whispered, his eyes on me as my steps faltered.
I slid to the floor, my head in my hands as I finally opened the floodgates, tears streaming down my face. My heart thumped against my breastbone, Mikey's worried gaze on the top of my head. "I'm sorry Gerard. I am so sorry."
"Don't apologize Mikey, it was me that got him killed. I didn't warn him. I just...I let him go Mikey. I let him walk in there knowing full well what they were after. I just let him get mowed down." I drew in a shaky breath, my vision swimming as I looked up. "I watched as he bled Mikey, I didn't stop it because I was scared."
"Gee, it was not your fault. Goddamnit Gerard, he loved you. He died with the person he loved the most and that is all he wanted. He had the best life he could have had after he met you Gerard."
"But he broke his promise Mikey. He said he would never leave me. He said that he would always be here." I whispered, my head darting up as the electric doors opened. My eyes widened slightly when I saw James walk out alone, his shoulders hunched, shaking slightly as he sobbed. "James." I called as I ran up to him. "James, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have saved him."
"It's fine Gerard. Just, give me space." He muttered before walking off towards his car.
I stood at the edge of the park, my eyes on the swings. Frank stood there, his hands in his pockets, his toes scuffing the bark chips. It took everything in me not to go up to him and introduce myself, to show him how much he meant to me.
I pulled out my sketch book and sat on the floor, my legs crossed underneath me as I grabbed a pencil from my bag, the tip against the page as I drew, Frank's face appearing.
Time flew past in that way, images of Frank filling the page of my sketchbook. My heart thudded as he sat on the swings like we used to, his toes scuffing through the bark chips, his head downcast. My phone rang in my pocket, the constant vibrating getting on my nerves.
The screen held an unknown number and, as I held it to my ear, a sense of deja vu washed over me. "Hello?" I asked, tucking my pencil behind my ear.
"Remember Gerard, don't force anything that wouldn't happen naturally." A male voice said.
"Alex?" I asked, the silence confirming my suspicions. "I won't, I promise. This is just... a goodbye of sorts."
"He'll be okay." Alex whispered before hanging up.
A drop of water landed on my sketchbook, my eyes scanning the empty sky to find its source, my hands flying to my cheeks when I couldn't find any clouds. My cheeks were streaked with tears, my eyes stinging as I realised how much it hurt, seeing Frank, but not being able to talk to him.
Tears dripped onto my sketchbook, smudging the pencil marks, running each image into the other. A Frank soup on the page. The colours smudged into one, my eyes blurring as I looked up.
"Gerard." Ben said from behind me. "Gerard, you okay?" I shook my head, chewing my bottom lip because I was afraid of what I would say. "It's okay. I've got you." He whispered as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, leaning my back against his chest.
"He's dead Ben. Frank's dead and it's all my fault." I whispered, my voice hoarse from all the crying. "He doesn't have a future and all because I didn't warn him."
"It's not your fault he died. You have to think of it as fate, Gerard, what happened, happened for a reason. Life never puts you through more than you can handle." Ben paused and took a deep breath. "This is just one of those challenges that you have to get through. You have people here with you every step of the way, you just have to hold on and keep fighting."
"I don't want to, not without Frank. He was the reason I'm still here and now he's not, well, there's no point." I sobbed. Ben sighed and rested his chin against my head.
I loosened the tie I was wearing and tugged it over my head, slowly unbuttoning my shirt to see the marks beneath. Bruises and cuts marked my torso, all of them self inflicted, the only way I could feel something.
Every night I would wake in a cold sweat with tears streaking down my face. Nightmares plagued even my waking moments, every turn I made showing me images of Frank.
On nights like that Mikey would come into my room with a pillow and a blanket and curl up on my chair until I was asleep again, his eyes on me as I tried to force myself to sleep.
Frank still lived in Bellville but, by some cruel twist of fate, our paths never crossed. Every chance there was for us to meet, something else arose, forcing me to take another path or go to a different store.
Ben had tried to get me to fall in love with him but I refused, knowing that my love for Frank would stop me loving another man in the same way again. He understood and, even though I never reciprocated his feelings, he still took care of me when I couldn't even find the strength to stand.
My mother and father became closer than ever, their fear for me turning their hatred back into love. Their marriage became stronger, their issues resolved when they thought I would die. My dad apologised for everything, his hands never straying to hit me or my brother again. My mother became much calmer and she realised that, even if she had succeeded in keeping me and Frank apart, I would still be broken.
Empty pill bottles lined my window ledge, half filled bottles of alcohol strewn across my bedroom floor. I was quite literally drowning my sorrows. The only way the image of Frank would disappear was if I became someone else, the drugs and the drink forcing me to become the other entity.
It hurt, losing Frank. I would rummage through my wardrobe for a pair of pants and come up with one of Frank's t-shirts or a hoodie that smelled like him and I would break down. Mikey would find me curled up in my cupboard, my face streaked with tears as I shook with the sobs I was trying to hide.
Four days after Frank 'died' I got a voicemail from James, sobs choking every word before it ended bluntly, the final words being 'I'm sorry'. I climbed to my feet and ran to his house, scared for his safety. I needn't have been.
"James!" I yelled as I ran through the front door. Silence was my answer, my voice echoing around the empty room. "Goddamnit." I muttered as I searched each room, coming up empty.
I caught a glimpse of the basement door out of the corner of my eye, my heart pounding as I thought where he could be. I shook my head slightly as I placed my hand on the doorknob, twisting it gingerly as a creak filled the kitchen. "Please don't be down here." I whispered.
My footsteps echoed around the stairwell, the glow from the kitchen lighting my way. After taking a deep breath, I turned the corner, my breath catching in my throat as I saw him. "James?" I whispered as I walked closer, unsure that what I was seeing was reality.
James took his own life. Hung himself from the rafters. He had blamed himself for Frank's death, managed to convince himself that, if he was a better dad, he would still be here.
I managed to find it in myself to go to the prison and tell John. He broke down, he blamed himself for doing everything wrong and that he didn't prove to him how much he loved him. It broke my heart then. Seeing him so vulnerable.
I got a phone call from the prison the next day.
John had tried to kill himself, crying out that he wanted to be with James. He's currently in intensive care as they fight to keep him alive. Even with everything he did to me, I still go to visit.
He has no-one now and I can't see him alone, not when he needs people the most.
Mikey is a different story. Since Frank died, he has become stronger. Hardened to the outside world. He will fight my honour when people blame me and he protects everything he believes to be right. My little brother who was afraid of the world has become stronger in a way I would never have predicted.
So here I am, a gun clutched in my fingers, tears staining my face as I remembered everything I was giving up. The notes had been written, placed on the correct pillows, I just had to hope that no-one came home before I was finished. "I'm sorry." I sobbed as I placed the barrel in my mouth, my finger on the trigger.
Notes
Hello,
Firstly, I would like to thank you all for joining me on this journey. I know that I haven't been the best of authors and some of these chapters have been shit, but I thank you for sticking by me and carrying on with reading it, even when it may have been boring and had no plot whatsoever.
Secondly, I would like to thank everyone that commented, voted and subscribed because, without you, this story would have been left after the first chapter. Without you I would not have had the drive to carry on and write more to keep you hooked.
Thirdly, I know there will be questions. What happened to Tim? As an example, or what really happened between Danny and Gerard? And I am more than happy to answer them, just leave a comment and I will answer all, I can promise you that.
Lastly, I have had many comments asking for a sequel, or for me to write more, and I can tell you this now. Since I reached chapter 15, I knew I was writing a sequel. From the minute I finished the final chapter, five chapters in to the actual story, I knew that there would be more. I am not just leaving you with this, half a story. It would not be fair to me, you or the characters. They all deserve a chance to shine.
I also have some personal thanks to hand out to some very special people. Blood Splatter-Killjoy, your comments have helped me through this a lot more than you might realize. Bringusbackthechemicals, when you sent me that first email, I was still unsure of what I was fighting for, but now I know. With the amount of people that loved this, I'm fighting for you all.
Marcia Death, I know you may not have read the whole story, but you have been an inspiration, reading random chapters because I need some help.
So thankyou Killjoys and the MCRmy. May I see you again soon.
~Toxic Rebel
@Toxic Rebel
okay :3333
4/3/14