I stood in the doorway of the spare room, my eyes on Tim's sleeping body, a lump in my throat as I thought of how lucky he was. Bad things could have happened to him, and until he woke up, we wouldn't know, I just know that James is heading down to the orphanage today to fill in the papers to say he would become the legal guardian of Tim.

When he told me, I couldn't say thank you enough, fear that I was losing someone else in the forefront of my mind. A sigh escaped my lips as I turned around, my eyes searching the shadows before I walked back to my bedroom, slipping my skinny jeans down my thighs and throwing back the covers.

My pillows still smelt of Gerard as I buried myself in them, closing my eyes and deepening my breathing as I tried to sleep. However hard I tried, I saw images of Gerard, naked bruised and bloody his screams echoing in my ears. Last night, he had so many nightmares that I didn't sleep, soothing him instead of closing my eyes and subjecting myself to the world behind my eyes.

A hand slid down my chest, pinning me to the bed as he stepped out of the shadows, his eyes strikingly bright in the darkness. I tried to shy away, to sink deeper into my mattress, to hide my body from his sight. "You think they're both safe do you?" He asked, his eyes gleaming. I nodded, unsure if I would be able to make a sound. "Just do what I want and they will be. Neither of them will hurt again. I promise Frankie, from the bottom of my cold black heart, that nothing will happen to them if you just give in."
"But I can't." I whimpered, sighing with relief when he shooed the shadows away.
"Why not Frank? Why can't you give in?" He asked, his eyes studying my face.
"Because I love him and I can't let him go." I whispered, unsure why I was telling him.

"But you can't love him. You need to love me." He pleaded, his eyes wide and filling with tears. "I am meant to be the one your with Frankie, not him. It was never meant to be him."
"Alex." I muttered. "I'm sorry, but it can never be me and you, not after what happened, not now."
"I told you I didn't mean it." He whined.
"That doesn't matter. You killed them Alex, you killed them all and then you got locked up. They never let you out alive Alex. I watched them bury you. This isn't real. This is just a dream Alex, you can't have me alive, but in my sleep, I'm yours." I muttered.
"I can't hold you though." Alex sighed, tears rolling down his face.
"I don't want you to." I explained, keeping extraordinarily calm for the situation that was presenting itself. "I saw what you did to them. I saw what they looked like when you finished and it hurt Alex. You can't get me to love you if you hurt everyone I care about."

Alex slid his hand along the bed covers, laughing softly as he slid it underneath my boxers, scraping his nails down my penis. I winced, arching my back against the pain. "Let go Alex." I growled through gritted teeth.
"Promise you'll stop falling for Gerard." He pushed.
"Never." I snapped, Alex slapping his palm across my cheek.
"Promise me you will stop or I swear to god he won't walk away next time."
"You were supposed to be an angel!" I yelled. "You were supposed to keep people I cared about safe but you aren't! I can't promise unless you promise to keep them safe. Stop whoever did this hurting Gerard again and I swear I'll promise!"
"I'll do whatever it takes." Alex laughed. "Just remember that they liked it. They liked it when he begged, they liked it when he screamed. In fact, he begged for you Frankie, he screamed your name. You were the person on his mind when he passed out, scared that he would die without telling you he loved you."
"Shut up!" I shouted, my hands over my ears. "Shut up, shut up, shut up." I repeated over and over again, burying my face in the pillows.

"He begged for death Frankie. He begged for it all to end. He screamed your name, screaming for you to save him Frankie."

I lay still, my heart thumping against my chest as I looked at the ceiling, my nightmare still in the forefront of my mind. A timid knock on the door had me shooting upright, my heart pounding. "Yeah?" I called, trying to keep my voice steady.
"It's John, can I come in?" His deep voice asked, sleep filling every word that left it.
"Sure." I muttered as I rolled onto my side and stared at the wall.

"He told me." John muttered as he dropped onto my bed, his hand on my shoulder. "I am so sorry Frank. I didn't know that was what happened."
"It's fine. I just failed at protecting someone I love yet again. I mean, I can't seem to get it through my thick head that everyone I love will get hurt. It's always going to be that way." I murmured into the pillows.
"Frank, it won't be, I promise." John whispered.
"It will and Gerard is going to realise that and he is going to want to leave and I'm not going to be able to stop him." I sighed.

---

I watched as Gerard slid into his seat, his face pinched, his eyes sunken and lifeless. He looked at me, a forced smile crossing his face before he looked at the book in front of him, answering the questions on the board and shying away from any touch.

"Alex." I hissed, looking over my shoulder at him. "Dude, fucking look at me."
"What?" He snapped, his voice gravelly.
"You alright?" I whispered, my heart darting to the front when the teacher cleared his throat.
"Yeah, just...uh... need to talk to you about something.... Break?" He asked, a sharp nod of my head enough to end the conversation.

I spun back to the front, my eyes on the board as the sir went through something about theorems that we should be using. I ignored the pounding in my head, pushing it to the edge as I thought about what Gerard said, what was running through his mind right now.

Gerard dragged me into the bathroom, his lips meeting mine as soon as the door closed. My legs gave way, Gerard's arms around my shoulders holding me upright. "What was that for?" I panted when he pulled away.
"I had to make sure it was real, you, me, us..." He explained, his face red as he tangled his fingers in my hair, tilting my head so I was looking at him. "I had to make sure that this wasn't some cruel joke being played on me by some fucked up asshole who wants a kick."
"I'm real." I muttered, tiptoeing so I could place my lips against his again, parting my lips slightly as he pressed me against the wall with his hips.
"I know, but this can't be." He sighed. "We can't be."

Gerard let go of me, turning on his heel and pacing the bathroom, growling and muttering to himself as he did. "Gerard, what's wrong?" I asked, stepping forwards and putting a hand on his chest.
"This, us...Me. Frankie, I can't do this. I can't do I us, I can't do any of it."
"What are you...?" I began.
"This is goodbye Frankie." He muttered as he pressed his lips to mine, lingering for a second before pulling back and leaving the room.

I slid to the floor, my breathing ragged and rushed, my head spinning as I thought about what he said. Gerard, the love of my life, my soulmate, didn't want to be with me, and it hurt. The words that rang the loudest in my ears was the 'I can't do any of it', the look of pain on his face seared into my eyes.

I staggered to my feet and walked to the mirror, raising my hand and stroking my lips. With a cry, I punched the mirror, shattered glass raining to the floor. "Fuck you!" I screamed, my voice echoing around the bathroom. "I fucking love you!" I yelled as I slid to the floor, blood appearing on my hand as I landed in the shards of glass. "I can't do it without you Gee." I sobbed, my cries echoing off the walls around me. "Please don't leave me." I whimpered. "I need you."

Notes

Please don't kill me *goes and hides in the corner until you've read it....*