hell is all cages & screams of the doomed

***** Gerards POV *****

What am I doing? Why did I feel the urge to hurt her? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why do I do this to myself? That moment when I walked up to her I could tell she was scared. I could see it written in her perfect eyes. All over her face. Once I had walked up to her I could see memories of past girls. It just came pounding into my head like a tilde wave.

I have been hiding in my room. hiding from the fear of hurting some one. What if I even hurt Kat? What! Where is Kat? I haven't seen her car for 2 days now. how have I not noticed she was gone?! I ran out of my room searching the whole house while Jade sat in the kitchen head in hands with her long brown hair waving down her face and back. But I had to find Kat! how could I have forgotten about her?

I gave up once I had searched the whole house and turned on the TV.
Today we will talk about dogs and their living conditions--- BORING
In Africa water is dropping in numbers fast--- Importantbut not my life so BORING
We are reporting a dead body found--- BORING wait what? I switch back to the channel and listen some more.

The Body of a girl was found Yesterday at 5:26 pm. The Body was found in a pub and doctors say she was over dosed on alcohol. She goes by the name 'Kaitlyn Way'--- WHAT!

Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. Warm trails all down my pale cheeks making them look all that bit more life like. they fell onto my legs and left tiny patch's that couldn't be helped. I almost lost Jade, I lose Emily and now this?! I lose my sister! are you F***ing KIDING ME?! Life must be catching up to me. Oh God. I punished so many people. Now life must punish me. That's how life works right? the punisher becomes punished? But Why Kaitlyn? Why my little sis?

I sat there and cried. I cried until I couldn't cry any more but still continued to cry. Jade came in and had no clue what was going n. I could tell by the look on her face. She walked over to me and hugged me. I was a little taken back but just accepted it and hugged her back. I cried into her shoulder and she just rubbed my back and whispered meaningless words.

After I had finished crying I looked up into her eyes and saw she was sad for me but also still confused. I had to tell her no matter how hard it would be for me to say the words. I would die if I never told any one and kept it to myself. drowning in my own self pity every night. crying my self to sleep while no one knows what happened.

"J-J-Jade--" I couldn't continue I just burst into tears once again crying into her shoulder. She held me and kept shh-ing me and telling me its gonna be alright. Its not gonna be alright! its going to be F***ING ALRIGHT!

"Jade S-she's G-g-gone" I couldn't bring my self to say her name. I knew if I did I wouldn't stop crying.
"Who Gerard? Who's gone?" I had to tell her no matter how much it hurt.
"Kaitlyn.... She's gone Jade..... Gone" was all I said before crying even more. Jade went stiff and kept hugging me through all of my sadness.

After a while she got up and kept mumbling 'I can't' 'No' I cant'
"You can what Jade?" I asked getting up and looking face to face with her. She turned around and took a deep breath. It looked like she was about to cry but I didn't know.

"I Cant-"

Notes

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