Guitar Picks and Paper Cartoons

Arriving at my house was difficult. I turned the key opening the door to see the house in disarray. There were clothes thrown about, cups left half full laying all over the living room, stains on the carpet. As I scanned the room I found my mom sitting against the wall with a blanket left half-hazardly around her. I realized in that moment that in the past month, I snuck into my room through my window and out of it as well. I walked up to my mom, kneeling down in front of her.

"You're home," she muttered opening her eyes slightly. I nodded swallowing hard. "I never meant to hurt Hannah, I loved her, just as much as I love you. I know I'm not the best mom. In fact I'm far from it. I had you guys to young. The only thing I've ever done right is making you hate me so much that you never listened when I told you to stop studying. You're just so smart, I never thought you would be but you are. Your smart, courageous. You deserve so much better than me as a mom."

As if the fog that sat over me the past five years had been lifted, I realized, my mom had been hurting. I was the only thing that had been holding her together. I still needed to be here for her.

"We'll get through this. I promise. I'm home now mom. I'm right here." I said whipping the tears away from her face. "Let's get you to bed," I said pulling her to her feet. I struggled to keep her upright but we eventually made it to the bed and pulled the blankets around her. She missed Hannah, she always had, I was just to stupid to realize it. I had been niece. "I love you mom," I said kissing her forehead. She lost so much that night. I lost my best friend, my sister, my life as I had known it. She lost her husband, her brother, her baby and in so many ways herself.

"I stopped drinking for you, I just wanted you to know," my mom said through tears. "I knew if I did you would come home and you did," she said as I left the room.

I closed her bedroom door and walked to the table picking up the mail and shuffling through it. Bills upon bills had not been paid. It appeared that my mom had lost her job in the process of stopping drinking. I through the bills down on the table and walked to m room. I crawled into the bed. I could hear my mom sobbing from the other room and in that moment I knew I had to fix this, I had to make this right.

I was about 6 at night when I finally crawled out of bed. My mind was still on overdrive.

"Mom, I'm heading out for a bit for dinner, I'll be home later tonight," I said setting another glass on her nightstand. She never replied. I exited the house grabbing my bike and riding to the train station. I got on the first train toward New York.

Arriving at the grave yard was hard. I hadn't been there since her death. I pushed my bike inside and toward the grave.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm so sorry that I left you and never came back. I'm so sorry that I didn't keep the promise that I made to you after the accident. I promised you, you would be okay, I promised that the doctors could fix this. That they could fix you. I promised we would be okay. And I'm so sorry I couldn't keep that promise. I love you so much."

I laid on the grass on top of her grave for what felt like hours. When I finally moved again, I realized just how cold New Jersey had become. Snow began to fall when I grabbed my bike exiting the grave yard.

I knocked on an unfamiliar door that night. It must have been about 9 o'clock by the time my knuckles hit the wooden door. A young girl opened the door.

"Hey, what did I say about opening doors Sarah," A women said from the other room as she walked closer. I smiled at the little girl. "Can I help you?" The women said grabbing her daughters hand.

"Is umm is Mike here?" I asked, swallowing hard, hoping this was still the right house.

"Yeah, he is come on in," she said stepping aside for me to enter. She walked away with the child. I heard hushed voices and then my uncles head appeared around the corner.

"Anya," he said softly. The women looked at me completely shocked. I stood there feeling intrusive. My uncle walked closer pulling me into a hug. "Come on, let me get you some tea, you're freezing." I nodded in agreement as he lead me to the kitchen.

"Here you go," he said moments latter setting some tea in front of me. He sat across from me. "So how have you been?"

"Umm okay, you know, my junior year. I'm toying with the idea of college. They keep saying we have to figure this out sooner rather than later"

"I can't believe you're a junior," he said as the women joined us.

"I can't believe you have a kid," I smiled.

"Yeah, she's three. This is Kara, my"

"Wife, yeah I remember from the christmas cards. Hi," I finished for him. Silence feel in the kitchen. "I'm just going to cut to why I'm here… Mom stopped drinking and in turn, lost her job. I get it now… It only took me five years but Uncle Mike, she's not doing okay. In fact she's beyond not okay. She knows she needs to get help. She know she needs to go to rehab, I can see it in her eyes."

"I don't know what you want me to do Anya. I tried to help her. Mom tried to help her," he said looking at me and then at Kara, who grabbed his hand for support.

"She lost her child Uncle Mike. Could you imagine losing Sarah? Could you just walk away from it and pretend everything is fine. It's not like losing a niece or a sister. She knows she fucked up. She knows she can't fix it."

"Anya, if she goes in you can come live here but Mike is right, there is nothing we can do," Kara said.

"I just… I'm just a kid I don't know what I have to do to make it happen. I just want her to be okay. I want to know it's all going to be okay," I said with tears running down my face. Mike pulled me into a hug and nodded.

"I'll get her there. I'll get her there," he whispered into my ear.

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