Guitar Picks and Paper Cartoons

Gerard handed me another cigarette. I accepted it without question.

"My mom got upset at my stepdad that night," I continued after I inhaled to rough smoke. "She grabbed Hannah and I and we left the house. We were just supposed to go get some food…give her time to cool of… We ended up at the bar. My mom was wasted and tried to say she was fine to drive us home… I tired to call my stepdad but he didn't answer the phone. I called the only other person I could think of… I called my Uncle. He came down and picked us up. It's kind of funny when you think about it… I did the right thing… I called a sober driver to pick us up. I did what I was supposed to do and then another drunk driver on the road hit us." I throw the cigarette butt. "I did what I was supposed to do. She had to get wasted like she always does."

There was a long pause before i continued, "After the funeral my Uncle left town. He couldn't handle being here while knowing he was driving that night and now Hannah is dead. Hannah is gone and she is never coming back. I did everything I should have. She did nothing she was supposed to."

Gerard pulled me into a hug without hesitation.

"I tried so hard Gee, I tried so hard," I sobbed into his shoulder.

"Shh shh shh, I know. I know you did," he whispered into my ear while pulling my half limped body into his lap.

"She just…. and I…" My sobs took over my ability to talk. Gerard began to kiss my neck, still squeezing me tight. After several moments he pulled away, kissing my lips hard. His hands whipped my tears away.

Tuesday came fast. Gerard's alarm waking us as if we had only slept but a few hours. I slide out of his bed and made my way toward his window.

"What are you doing?" he asked as I opened it.

"Well I'm pretty sure your mom is beginning to catch on to us ditching all the time. Besides I need a distraction. I need something to fill my icey lungs." Gerard eyed me for a moment. "Trust me, I'm fine," I muttered and slide out of the window. I'm fine was a phrase that lost it's meaning within a week of my sisters death. I'm fine normally meant, I'm not fine. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to walk, it hurt to just exist. I never dealt with any of my emotions after Hannah's death. I never cried until last night, not even at the funeral. I put up my walls and in the 5 minutes it took to walk home i realized they had crumbled to the ground. I pushed my window open and jumped into my bedroom. I didn't want to see my mother. Not after last night. I had nothing to say to her. I got ready for school and jumped out of the window just as Gerard and Mikey were turning the corner.

The day was a blur. Starting with entering the school to lunch where everyone else talked except me. I occasionally nodded and the phrase 'I'm good, just tired' escaped my mouth more than it should have been possible. I felt, once again, the same way I did the day she died. The pain being so real that I couldn't even harness how to being to process the situation. Gerard scooted closer to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"We can leave, just say the word," he quietly muttered in my ear. I looked up to him wanting to say something yet not a single word came out. He nodded knowing that I couldn't leave, that this was the only thing holding me together. he scooted closer and wrapped his arm around me. I closed my eyes for a moment and waited for Hannah's face to fade from my eye lids. Her light blond hair, never able to stay in a straight pony tail. Her icy blue eyes that always showed her mood, even when she tried to hide it. Her innocent smile that even i always gave into. My sister, my side kick, my support was gone and I still couldn't wrap my head around it.

I was pulled from my thoughts as Gerard's hand came in to mine, pulling me to my feet. "What's up?" I asked softly, looking around. Everyone else was walking away.

"It's time to go back to class. Are you sure you want to stay? We can leave."

"I need to stay, there's no point in leaving."

"Anna, if you need anything, you just say it," Gerard said while holding my hand. I nodded. He was being so kind, so accepting, I didn't know what to say.

The remaining of the day was a blur, in fact I really had no idea what was going on until we reached Gerard's house.

"Hey can we ah," I began but was interrupted by Gerard nodding.

"Mikey, we'll be upstairs," Gerard said to Mikey. Mikey waved as he opened the basement door and walked downstairs. We walked upstairs hand in hand. When we reached his room he shut the door and turned some music on. I curled up in his bed. He joined pulling out his homework. I laid my head on his lap, his hand occasionally stroking my hair.

This was pretty much how everyday was for almost a month. I would get out of school, go to Gerard's lay around either in the basement or in his room. Sneak me in over night, sneak me out in the morning and go to school. I didn't talk much to anyone.

At the moment we were in Gerard's room. He was doing homework like always.

"I've been kinda out of it. I'm sorry for that," I said softly. "I need to move on, I need to let her go, it's just hard when she was so important to me."

I must have caught him off guard. He stood there just looking at me for a moment.

"I think maybe I need to stay at home tonight. Try to regain some form of the normalcy that I used to have. I need to pull myself together," I said simply.

"Anya, you don't have to. You know that right?" Gerard said placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I know but this is something I would like to do. I need to," I placed my hand on his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. "Trust me? I'll see you tomorrow, the concert right?"

"Yeah the concert. Just… my window is always open for you. Always." I gave Gerard a half smile and nodded.

"Thanks," I said standing on my tip toes and kissing him gently.

Notes