The End is Easier

As soon as I was home I ran into my room.
I was so done with everything!
Every time it seems me and Mr. Way are having and ok conversation, it all goes to shit!
I just can't take it anymore!
The pills don't help either.
Just the stress of it all was to much! It feels like the whole world is balancing on my shoulders!
Not to mention my fathers new appearance.
And getting the shit beat out of me!
I just laid down on my bed and cried.
I didn't care if anyone heard me, I was just done.
Its like when you loose your mom at the grocery store as a kid and you don't know what to do, so you just sit on the floor and cry until someone helps you?
Well that's what it feels like. Except no ones coming to my rescue.
I cried for more than an hour.
Finally when I was done with my self loathing, I got up and went downstairs.
I went to the bathroom and took a quick shower. After my shower I put a bandage on the gash on my side.
My mother was still at work so I decided to clean the house for her.
It may seem weird to other people that I clean as much as I do, but it helps me to think about other things. It keeps me busy I guess.
I plugged my headphones into my phone and listened to Disarm, by the smashing Pumpkins.
It was probably one of my favorite songs by them, other than Cupid De locke.

'Disarm you with a smile
and cut you like you want me to.
Cut that little child.
Inside of me and part of you! Ooh the years burn. Ooh the years burn

I used to be a little boy.
So old in my shoes.
and what I choose is my choice?
Oh what's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love.
I send this smile over to you.'

I sang as loud as I could to the lyrics.
Every time I heard Disarm it brought tears to my eyes.
It was such an amazing song. There is so much truth behind it.
I listened to music and cleaned for what seemed like forever.
Everything was spotless.
I cleaned for probably four hours, I was exhausted.
it was only seven so I just watched TV for awhile. Not really watching, mostly thinking.
I knew I had yet another appointment with
Mr. Way tomorrow, and school.
I was really dreading both of those things.
The therapy with Mr. Way honestly; did not seem to be working at all.
But I went with it and swallowed my pride for my mother.
She really wants me to get help and heal.
But our wounds are different, and heal at their own paces. Hers have healed faster than mine, and you can't rush them, because rushing a wound causes scaring. And another scar is not what I need. Even if it mental.
Sometimes going along with the current is easier than jumping up stream.

Notes

short chapter. thanks for waiting patiently c: