When You & I Were Forever Wild

'Adios 10th grade! Ahhh can you believe it? Only two more years and then we can finally say ADIOS SHITHOLE HIGH SCHOOL forever!' Suki flung her bag in the back of Gerard's car before climbing in.

It was the last day of school and the first day of summer. Even though I would start my summer job at the local newspaper in a week, I was excited about the next few months. Smiling at Gerard as he held open the door for me, I thought about all the adventures we could go on together, how much more time we could spend together now that we didn't have to study or do homework. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend for almost two months and every day I fell deeper in love with him. Our parents were fine with it although my mother watched us like a hawk every time Gerard came over and of course he wasn't allowed to come up to my room with me. Not that we would do anything but my mom was paranoid as fuck and she even made Mr and Mrs Way stick to her rules.

Sometimes I couldn't quite understand it, I had always been obedient, had never gotten myself into trouble. Of course I snuck out to smoke and make out with Gerard but she didn't know that! Maybe once she saw my grades she would finally go a bit easier on me. It was summer and I was 16!

'Got everything for tomorrow?' Gerard asked after dropping Suki off.

'Yeah. Already packed last night because I was so excited.' I looked at him as he bit his lip, one of his habits that made me want to jump right into his arms and kiss him breathlessly. But he was driving so that wasn't such a good idea.

We had been planning our 'celebratory end-of-the-school-year camping trip' for the last couple of weeks. It had been Suki's idea and we had come up with an elaborate story to tell our parents which only worked out in the end because Gerard's grandmother had agreed to pretend he was spending the weekend at her house while I told my parents I would be spending it at Suki's. Whose parents weren't even home. Lauren, who was also joining us with her boyfriend Mark, was also invited to our make-pretend pyjama party. And Ray didn't need permission to go anywhere, lucky bastard. Speaking of Ray.

'Did you notice how Suki blushed when you mentioned Ray was coming? She totally has a crush on him. And I think it's a serious crush because she hasn't said a word! That's very un-Suki-like of her.'

'Did she now?' Gerard snickered and winked at me.

'What?'

'Think we should set them up?'

'Set them up how?'

'Well, Suki thinks she's sharing a tent with you, right? What would happen if you're sharing one with me instead? Then Ray and her would have to share. Boom!'

Immediately, my stomach felt fuzzy, the idea of sharing a tent with Gerard, sleeping next to him, maybe even with his arms around me, made me feel anxious and delighted at the same time. How many times had I pretended he was there when I laid in bed at night, holding me, kissing me, while I snuggled up against him. But now the fact that it could actually happen was also incredibly scary. What if he wanted more? Not that he would ever try to do something that I didn't want to do, Gerard wasn't like that. He was shy and he was a gentleman. I'd never ever gotten the impression that he was tired of waiting. We hadn't even talked about sex. It was obvious we both thought about the possibility of it happening one day but we weren't there yet. Then again, we had never had the chance to do it anyway, so what if once we'd did get it, he'd want it?

'What do you think?' he asked again, forcing me to discard my thoughts.

'Let's do it. She'll probably hate us forever but imagine that for a second: in five years time, Ray and Suki are getting married and you're gonna be the best man and I'm gonna be the maid of honor and all because we forced them to share a tent with each other!' I always talked a lot when I was nervous.

'I wanna marry you one day too.' Gerard said, sounding so serious it made me feel sick but sick in a good way.

*

I really meant it. Maybe an adult listening to what I was saying would have laughed at me, telling me how stupid and naive I was, how I knew nothing about love and how people changed as they got older, all that cynical bullshit. But I loved Finn. And I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. The best thing about this was the fact that in the last couple of weeks, she had shown me just how much she wanted the same thing.

'Really?' she breathed and I pulled over, stopping the car.

'Yeah.' I opened my seatbelt to lean over to her, the smile on her lips igniting that enchanting spark in her eyes that made my heart skip a beat.

She flung her arms around my neck, her body crashing against mine. The feeling was bliss.

'I'd marry you right now if I could.' Finn whispered before pressing her lips on mine. Oh, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else but me ever kissing those sweet lips of hers, ever holding her like this.

Two more years. Then we would go to SVA and get a cheap, gross apartment somewhere in New York and eat cup noodles and get shitty part-time jobs and fight over who ate the last twinkie and maybe even adopt a stray cat. And we could study together and get annoyed over our parents together and then we'd graduate and find cool jobs in order to move out of that cheap, gross apartment and into a loft in Soho and Finn would become a famous photographer and I would be a comic book artist and we would get married and then have a one-year-long honeymoon during which we would travel the world, yes, even the poles and the deserts and everything and once we'd return we'd have kids and then we'd have to hide the twinkies from them so they wouldn't eat them all.

'I love you.' she said and kissed my cheek again.

What. How. What.

How could she just drop those three words on me? Then again, I had just told her I wanted to marry her so really, who was dropping what here? Oh man, everything was so overwhelming! But at the same time so easy. I knew she loved me because she made me feel loved. With every little thing she did, she showed me. But still, hearing her say it felt like my heart was throwing up with happiness in my chest. Yep, that was probably the best way to describe it.

'I love you too.' I smiled and we blushed simultaneously. Even that.

She hugged me again and grabbed her bag and then she was gone and I watched her as she ran up the pathway to her house.

SHE LOVED ME!

Now I was even more excited about the camping trip. We would be sharing a tent. Wow. Even the thought of sleeping next to her was too much to comprehend. Sure, she had let me touch her boobs last week but this was an even bigger deal! Not that I hadn't enjoyed touching her boobs, I really had. Like, really. But sleeping together was just so...special.

Half an hour later I met with Ray at the mall to get some more stuff for the trip. I already had all the things I needed but to be perfectly honest, I wasn't the outdoorsy type while he knew exactly what to bring.

'Here, you'll need these.' he threw me a small packet and I almost dropped it when I saw what it was.

'No I won't.' I threw the condoms back at him but instead of putting them back on the shelf, he placed them in our shopping cart.

'You will eventually.'

I raised my brows at him. 'So what if she finds them? She'll feel pressured or something.'

'Oh come on, Gee. Don't be so fucking paranoid all the time. And don't think girls are so much different. They think about doing it as much as we do. There's nothing wrong with being prepared.'

Okay, he had a point. It was better to be safe than sorry, right? But was she really thinking about it too?

*

Maybe it would happen. And maybe I even wanted it to happen. Every time I was with Gerard I just wanted to be close to him, kiss him, touch him, have him kiss and touch me. I guess we were between first and second base right now and we felt pretty confident there. Everything felt good. As much as I panicked about it when I considered it happening, as soon as he looked at me and pulled me close, I forgot all about it. I knew he would never hurt me or take advantage of me, I knew how he felt about me and I knew how I felt about him.

We weren't in a rush though. People at school had been gossiping about whether or not Gerard and I were already 'doing it' and I think it was Izzy who had started the rumor out of spite. She hated me now that I was with Gerard and much to my dismay she had been hanging out with Cameron and his friends ever since Suki and I had started spending more time with Gerard and Ray and their group. I couldn't quite understand it, especially because she had been there on my birthday at the warehouse. She had seen first hand what a douche Cameron was. Although I had tried to talk to her, she was too bitter to listen. It worried me but there was nothing I could do.

Gerard and I were way too absorbed with each other to care about what people thought anyway. I was happy and carefree when I was with him and everything else seemed trivial in comparison. Especially some jealous, immature jerks at school.

The door squeaked as I opened it to sneak into Josh's room and I jumped even though there was no one else in the house. My parents were still at work and Josh was out with friends. Still, I wanted to be as quick as possible. I hurried over to his nightstand, hoping to find what I was looking for there. He had to have some! The first drawer was filled with change, receipts, an old copy of 'The Old Man and the Sea', what was it with guys and that book? Was it their bible or something? Did Ernest Hemingway reveal the secrets of manhood on 127 pages? The second drawer had all sorts of sports magazines in it, as well as pretty much every ticket to every game he had ever been to.

I moved on to his dresser and after finding some porn under his socks and underwear, I wondered if Gerard had some too. I guessed it was completely normal for guys to look at porn even though it was disgusting but knowing that both my brother and my boyfriend probably jerked off to this stuff was making me feel awkward. Maybe Gerard jerked off to a picture of me instead? That would be, nice? Or also awkward. I wasn't so sure. Ugh, Finn, concentrate and find what you are looking for!

'Well, well, well. Can I help you with something?' I heard Josh's voice behind me and nearly pissed my pants. FUCK. Oh noooooooooooo.

I turned around, my face undoubtedly red as a tomato. What do I say now?

'I was just...umm...I was...looking for...umm...a book!' wow, Finn, you're like the worst liar in the history of lying.

'What book?' he didn't believe me, I could tell. But he enjoyed torturing me.

'The Old Man and the Sea! Gerard said it's really good and I wanna read it.' I had already read it years ago.

'Really? You know, you could have just asked me.'

Now I felt bad. Not only did I invade his privacy, I also didn't give him enough credit. He was probably the only one I could really talk to about sex. And I trusted him. He would never tell mom and dad about it and he had covered for me before.

'Actually, I was looking for a condom.' my voice was merely a whisper but I knew he had heard me when he quickly closed the door behind him.

*

I stared at my backpack in the corner, trying to remember if I had packed everything while it felt as though the condoms were burning a hole in the outside pocket. Maybe Finn and I should talk about it. Yes, it would be awkward but I loved her and if Ray was right, she was probably thinking about it too. After all, we could talk about everything. I had never shared my thoughts with anyone like that before. And she had never laughed at me or judged me.

After my parents had gone to bed that night, I snuck out. The closer I got to Garrison’s, the more anxious I got. My heart told me I was being stupid, that there was nothing to worry about. Oh God, WHY couldn't I be like all the other guys, at least in this situation, why couldn't I be more confident and less awkward?

'Hey…' Finn was already there and now that my brain had shut up, I couldn't think of anything to do or say.

'Ray made me buy condoms today.' I blurted out, shocked at the sound of my own voice. Where had that come from?

Oh no, she would totally break up with me now. Fuck you and your honesty, Gerard. She most likely thinks you're a sex-crazed idiot now! But then, a smile from her fixed everything. She grabbed my hands and pulled me down next to her.

'I asked Josh for one. He gave me the talk.' she said, lacing her fingers through mine. What? She had asked her older brother for a condom?

'I just thought...it's not like I'm desperate to do it, you know? Just...' I whispered.

'Good to be prepared?' she bit her lip as I nodded and all my worries disappeared instantly. Yes, it was slightly embarrassing to talk about it but I was glad we were doing it.

Finn climbed onto my lap and kissed me, her tongue finding mine without hesitation. I felt dizzy and as always, my body reacted immediately. But now, I wasn't ashamed anymore and I knew Finn didn't mind. On the contrary, I could feel her smile into the kiss, her body pressing against mine even more eagerly. As her hand wandered from my chest up to my shoulders and to my neck, her fingers running through the hair at the nape of my neck, grazing my skin, a soft moan escaped my mouth and I deepened the kiss to silence it. I did want her. Badly. Especially when she did all that. And maybe, the way her breathing quickened, the way her hand began to shake as she touched me, the way our kissing became more and more intense, maybe that meant she wanted me too.

'If it happens, it happens. Let's not think about it too much, okay?' she looked at me, her forehead pressed against mine.

'Easier said than done.' I smirked, stealing another kiss from her.

'I know. But thinking about it too much is making me anxious. And feeling anxious takes all the fun away. And I want to have lots of fun with you.'

'I want to have lots of fun with you too.' I giggled. I was relieved. Once again, my confused and insecure 16-year old mind had scared the shit out of me when there was really nothing to be scared of.

'You wanna touch my boobs again?' Finn grinned and guided my hands under her shirt.

Yes. Lots of fun.

Notes

I hope you don't mind that I skipped forward a few weeks. But I felt it was necessary in order to keep it interesting since I have so much more planned for this story. Although I'm only just getting used to writing from the awkward teenager's POV ;)

Eager to hear your thoughts, as always.