When You & I Were Forever Wild

'I'm really sorry I acted like such a jerk. Forgive me?' it was already friday and Suki had punished me with the silent treatment the whole week. And I'd deserved it.

'Hmph. Under one condition.' she looked at me smugly and I sighed. 'Admit that you have a crush on Gerard Way.'

'WHAT? Are you crazy?' I shrieked, knowing that I didn't sound very convincing.

'Don't you try to fool me, Fi. You were ready to stab me in the eye when I touched him. You were obviously jealous. And that's not even the first time you acted all possessive over him.'

My mouth gaped open in shock. Possessive? Me? Over Gerard? Fair enough, yes, I had been jealous and I hadn't liked it when she had touched him on monday but when did I ever act that way before then?

'I don't have a crush on Gerard and I'm also not possessive over him, whatever that means! Are you on drugs or something?'

She laughed and rolled her eyes. 'Oh please. You've had a crush on him forever.'

'That is SO not true. In case you don't remember, I've had a crush on Cameron for the longest time until last friday.'

'Yeah, wow, what a SERIOUS crush. You got over him pretty quickly. I think you only wanted to make Gerard jealous. Anyway, you won't admit it, I won't forgive you. Your call.'

What? But I did have a crush on Cameron. And of course I wasn't heartbroken, how could I ever be heartbroken over a douche like him! I sighed and put my hands on my hips, looking at Suki like an impatient parent, waiting for her stubborn child to be done with her nonsense. Because it really was nonsense. Right? How could I have a crush on Gerard? Back then on the school trip, I had only kissed him because he'd done something pretty sweet for me. No other reason. Nope. And also, I only met him behind Garrison's because he had cigarettes. No other reason. Nope. Definitely not. I only felt defensive when Suki or anyone else was mean to him because I didn't like it when people were mean to each other. No other reason. Nope. The many times I had stared at him, admired his flawless face, the many times I had pretended not to look at his butt (even when Suki pointed out how firm and tiny it was), the many times I had thought about kissing him again. I suddenly remembered that I had even compared Cameron to him, wishing he was a bit more like Gerard. And then everything that had happened between us since last weekend.

Oh no. Oh shit.

'You know I'm right.' Suki said. And with that, she left, leaving me with so much to think about.

Back at home, I ran up to my room immediately. Ejecting the tape from the cassette player, I turned it over and pressed play. I checked the playlist.

#9 Tears For Fears - Head over heels

This was one of my favorite songs! Was he really 'head over heels' for me? I sang along quietly to the lyrics and my stomach was doing the weird thing again. Butterflies, possibly? No, it felt so much more intense. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the next song came on. It was 'All I want is you' by Roxy Music.

Don't want to hear what's going on
I don't care what's new
Don't want to know about anything
'Cause all I want is you

Wow. I swallowed hard, listening carefully to the rest of the lyrics.

*

Mikey and I spent the saturday with my grandparents who had come over to 'babysit' us. My parents were in New York, celebrating their wedding anniversary, doing God knows what. Ew.

I had a lot to do for school anyway, finishing my art project, reading George Orwell, writing an essay for World History, comparing Julius Caesar of the Roman Empire and Alexander the Great of the Greek Empire. It was all boring as fuck and I had trouble concentrating on anything. The inner turmoil this last week had caused was almost insufferable. Finn and I had spent more time together, at school and behind Garrison's, and I was on stand-by mode, knowing that we were about to reach that critical stage, where our friendship would either turn into something more, or she would get scared and withdraw her affections again. I knew that this weekend, she would probably listen to the B side of the tape and after that, there was nowhere for me to hide anymore. No more confusion. The songs were pretty much building up to a decision she'd have to make.

When did being a teenager become so serious and complicated? Whatever happened to skipping ropes and eating too much candy? No heartache, just good old fashioned scraped up knees. Oh right, yeah. Hormones. Dammit.

Whatever she'd decide, I'd accept and respect it. There was nothing else I could or wanted to do, I liked her too much. Mikey was sure that she would say yes. But what did he know? Innocent baby. Back when Finn had kissed me on the train, I'd been so sure she was already my girlfriend. And well, it'd turned out I was a stupid fool who knew nothing about girls and how their brains worked. Not that I knew any better now. I didn't even know how my own brain worked. That's what made me feel so uneasy, despite all the 'tell-tale signs'.

So yeah, the songs on the B side were love songs. There was 'Head over heels' by Tears For Fears, a song that I loved and knew she liked as well, then 'All I want is you' by Roxy Music, all self-explanatory. 'Light my fire' by The Doors because hey, she really did light my fire, in every possible way. Next was 'Love Song' by The Cure and Iggy Pop's 'Fall in love with me'. Oh I hoped she would.

I was so desperate and hopeless. I was aware of that and as hard as I tried to change it, I couldn't.

'How's school going?' my grandma stood in the door, disrupting my thoughts and I was more than grateful for it.

'Fine. So much to do though, we only got eight weeks left.' I said, closing my book.

'Have you found a summer job yet? Grandpa and I can help you look if you want?' she came in and sat on my bed, looking around.

'I know a guy who works at Barnes & Nobles and he said he might be able to get me a job there.'

'Oh that'd be great! You'd enjoy that. And it's not far, you could ride your bike. Unless I can convince you to take me up on my offer.' she smiled.

I loved my grandma more than anything. She had offered to give me money for a car but I had declined. Of course it would be cool to have my own, especially in summer but she was already doing so much for me and Mikey, I couldn't possibly let her do something as generous as that.

'No, really grandma, I can't take it. It's too much. And I can wait a few more months.'

She got up and walked toward me and I saw the envelope in her hand. 'How about you pay me back at the end of the summer, hmm? I lend you the money, so you can get the car now. You're 16, you already got your license. This is your first summer of independence. Here-' she placed the envelope on the desk next to my papers. '-your grandpa is friends with a guy who owns a dealership in Newark. He's already talked to him and I'm sure he'll give you a good price on a used one.'

Oh man, why was she doing this? How could I refuse? My own car! I could go on road trips with Finn!

'I'll pay you back every penny! Thanks so much!' I jumped up and hugged her, so excited that I wished I could go and get it right now.

*

'You're being weird.' Josh said as I raced up to my room right after finishing dinner on saturday.

Whatever, I thought. I wanted to finish listening to Gerard's mixtape. Two more songs.

Having Tears For Fears, the Stone Roses, Roxy Music, The Doors, Iggy Pop and the glorious Robert Smith of The Cure explain how Gerard really felt about me, their songs causing me shivers, even tears; this was the sweetest love letter I knew I would ever receive. This was a once in a lifetime thing. He had basically ripped open his chest, torn out his heart and was now presenting it to me on a golden plate. How could I not be moved by this? However far away, I will always love you.

I dialed Suki's number, impatiently waiting for her to pick up. I needed to say it out loud.

'Finn! Unless you're calling to admit-'

'I have a crush on Gerard Way.' I interrupted her, my words hurried since I was still afraid to admit it. My hand flew to my mouth and I was shaking. Oh dear.

'YES! YESSSSSS! Ha! I knew it!' she cheered and I could almost see her jumping up and down on her bed.

'Actually, I think it's a bit more than a crush.' I whispered. Suddenly the word 'crush' didn't quite cut it anymore.

'What do you mean? That you're like...in love with him?' Suki was serious again.

'Maybe. I don't know. Ugh. I have to listen to the rest of the mixtape. I call you later.' I hung up before she could protest and pressed play on the cassette player.

Hey, little girl
I wanna be your boyfriend
Sweet little girl
I wanna be your boyfriend

Do you love me, babe?
What do you say?
Do you love me, babe?
What can I say?
Because I wanna be your boyfriend

The Ramones sang and I found myself blushing. He wanted to be my boyfriend! Oh God. Gerard Way, my boyfriend. I could totally see that. And if he were my boyfriend, there would be more of that hand holding, cheek kissing, walking together, tight hugging, oh and more. So much more. I could suddenly see myself doing all of it with him, even things that I hadn't considered with Cameron. I blushed even more and held my breath as I prepared myself for the last song on the tape.

#16 Daniel Johnston - Come see me tonight

Come to me tonight
If you can hear me thinking
Come see me tonight
I don't need to invite
If you can catch the vibe
Come see me tonight

Yesterday has gone again
I'm thinking how it might have been

It's getting really late
And I'm not feeling too great
Come see me tonight
Girl, come share my dream
Cuz reality sucks
Come see me tonight

I know you've thought of it before
I'm waiting for your knock upon my door

Please don't make me beg
If you can hear my thinking
Come see me tonight
I'm not pulling your leg
Can you hear me falling
Come see me tonight

I'm looking for a girl like you
None other would really do
Come to me tonight

The song hadn't even finished yet as I grabbed my jacket. After sneaking back downstairs and out the door, I started running. And I wasn't even thinking. I didn't have to either. Thinking would only complicate things, take the feeling away, that wonderful, delightful feeling of just doing what I knew would be right.

Breathlessly, I rang the doorbell. Once, twice. I could hear footsteps and then the door opened, an elderly lady looking at me.

'Yes?' she smiled.

'Is Gerard here?' I asked, my voice shaky.

'Finn! Hey!' he was already coming downstairs and I gasped. The woman eyed us curiously and then disappeared, probably realizing we had important, private teenager stuff to discuss. 'What are you doing here? Are you okay?'

I grabbed his hand, pulling him out the door, still not really thinking. 'Finn?' he followed me around the corner and once we were out of sight, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and my lips found his in an eager kiss.

*

Holy shit what was happening?! What do I do? Fuck. I had so not seen this coming. I had thought, actually, 'fantasized' is the better word, about it but even in my most confident moments of wishful thinking, the likeliness of it becoming reality had always been so slim to me. But now her lips were on mine, claiming them, passionately, eagerly, and I couldn't move, trapped between a wall and Finn, holding me in a tight grasp. Not that there was anything wrong with that. It was perfect, the answer to all my countless prayers.

I had never done this and right now I couldn't think. Everything I was doing seemed like an automatic response to what she was doing. As if my body had been programmed to do this. With her. Her lips moved against mine, so mine moved against hers. It felt good. It felt right. Almost like they had been waiting for it. Was I breathing? All I could feel was her and my pounding heart against my ribcage and I wondered if she was aware of it. I wondered if she was aware of the fact that I was completely freaking out on the inside.

Was she opening her mouth? Oh God. Oh no. What am I supposed to do? Open mine too, I guess. Wow. This was a REAL kiss now. What do I do with my tongue now? Do I sneak it into her mouth or not? Man, it felt so fucking incredible and she tasted so sweet, no thought in my extremely excited brain made sense anymore. My whole body was on fire.

My whole entire body. Yes, all of it. ALL of it. Oh shit. Ughhhhhhh. Not now! This couldn't be happening right now! Ha! What did you think, idiot? You're kissing the girl of your dreams, of course it is happening! At least it wasn't random or due to some explicit thoughts that had entered my mind without knocking first. Still, this was SO embarrassing. Maybe we should stop.

I drew a sharp breath and backed up just a little, our lips parting again.

'Finn....I....' what do I say? This is so awkward. Let's hope she didn't notice.

'Oh.' she gasped. Shit. Yup. She had noticed.

That was it. My stupid, horny teenage body had to ruin everything now. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS BONER. You have to believe me, Finn! I'm not like Cameron Barnes. I don't just want to get into your pants! Please, I thought, please, don't think that that's all I'm after.

'Sorry.' I whispered, not able to look into her eyes.

And then, to my surprise, her lips were on mine again. This time, her kiss was softer, slower. It drove me equally crazy because it gave me time to really take in the sensation of it, the taste, the feel, the fact that we were sharing this intimacy with each other. I put my arms around her waist and hers wrapped around my neck, she was so close and I was scared, still embarrassed about the fact that she knew in detail about how much she affected me. Although, what did it matter? She already knew the boner I had for her in my heart, she might as well know about the one I had for her in my pants, right? I giggled at the thought and she opened her eyes again, smiling into the kiss.

'You're the cutest boy in the world and I'd be honored to be your girlfriend. If you still want to be my boyfriend?'

I nodded enthusiastically and without hesitation. And then, I was the one kissing her for a change.

Finn was my girlfriend! I was her boyfriend! We were kissing! She thought I was cute!

HOLY SHIT.

Notes

oh hey, here's the B side playlist for you in case you want to give it a listen :)

Tears For Fears - Head over heels
Stone Roses - Ten Storey Love Song
Roxy Music - All I want is you
The Doors - Light my fire
Iggy Pop - Fall in love with me
The Cure - Love Song
Ramones - I wanna be your boyfriend
Daniel Johnston - Come see me tonight

and as always, I hope you liked!