When You & I Were Forever Wild

Monday morning almost caused me to have an anxiety attack. On my way to school I felt like passing out at the prospect of facing Cameron again. How would he act? Would he ignore me, pretend that nothing happened? Would he apologize? Probably not. Did I even want an apology? I'd rather he apologized to Gerard, not me. What if he tried to get under my skin again? Provoke me? Make a scene? Would I have the guts to slap him? He'd deserve it. Actually, he deserved to have his face ripped off and I wished for claws instead of fingernails.

My crush turning into such hatred was the best thing to happen to me though. Despite the anxiety, there was something else. I knew there was someone who cared about me, someone who looked out for me, someone who would never let anything happen to me. And I made it my mission to do the same thing for him. Spotting Gerard's Batman backpack in the crowd of students as Josh pulled into the parking lot, I jumped out, hurrying to catch up to him. As confused as I was by the mixtape and the painting, I wanted to be by his side when we entered the school.

'Gerard! Wait!' he stopped and turned around, his cheeks flushing red when he saw me. I could feel my own doing the same thing.

'Hey Finn...'

Do I just act like everything was normal between us? What was normal? What was between us?

'Hey...' I muttered. Quick, what do I say? Quick, Finn, say something. He looked cute today. What. 'How...how are you?'

'Umm. Fine, I guess. You?'

We were standing still, just staring at each other, while the other students rushed past us. It was like we were in our own little bubble.

'Same.' I needed to thank him for the presents. Prepare for the blushing! 'I...really liked the painting you made for me.' his eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something. 'And the mixtape.' I looked down at the floor, suddenly not really able to breathe.

'Really?' his words were merely a whisper.

I nodded and then, without actually thinking what I was doing, I put my arm through Gerard's and we continued walking. He was still looking at me, not paying attention to where he was going. It made me smile.

'Really. Thank you so much.' I finally replied and his cute little teeth appeared in a big, genuine smile.

'FINN! There you are! Oh hey Gerard! Are you alright?' Suki appeared out of nowhere, grabbing Gerard's chin and inspecting his lip.

For a second I felt like someone had woken me up from a dream and I felt very irritated by it. Why was she touching him? That wasn't okay. I wanted her to stop touching him. And stop looking at him. NOW! Ugh. She didn't even like him! Instinctively, I pulled him closer to me and he jerked his head around in surprise. Oh. What was I doing? Jesus, I was jealous! I was jealous of Suki touching Gerard, yes I was jealous of her talking to him. What the fuck? Why?

'So? Are you two like...a thing now?' Suki whispered as we entered the classroom. Our first lesson was English with Mr Cain.

'What? No. We're not. Why? Do you want him now?' I snapped and threw my books on the table.

Why was I acting like this? Suki was my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me. Wait, why would her wanting Gerard even hurt me in the first place?

Because you want him to yourself, idiot.

Gerard came into the room, sitting down next to us, so Suki didn't reply and just shot me a confused look. Ignoring her, I opened my book, eyeing Gerard who was chewing on his pen, his feet nervously tapping on the floor. I had the urge to move closer. I wanted our sides to touch again.

*

I didn't even have time to think about Finn's weird behavior. Cameron and Tom entered the room, immediately fixing their eyes on me. Ugh. The urge to jump up and punch him was so strong that I almost bit my pencil in half.

'Ignore him.' Finn whispered, her voice and the fact that she was so close to me pulling everything back into focus. I couldn't start a fight. Despite what had happened, I had to keep my cool. I would get into trouble because no one knew what he'd done.

His glare switched from me to Finn and then his eyes narrowed. Yeah, that's right, I thought triumphantly, she's with ME now. (She wasn't, of course. Nor had she ever been with him. But I liked the fact that he was obviously thinking it.) Tom mumbled something to him and he sat down, finally averting his evil gaze away from us. Phew. If that was all the confrontation we would have, I didn't know whether to feel happy or sad about it.

'He's a coward. And he's not worth it. Don't stoop to his level. You're so much better than that.' Finn said, the fact that her solicitude was so tangible made me wanna kiss her. If only I could. If only she'd want me to.

I calmed down and tried my best to avoid him for the rest of the day. It was relatively easy with all these new distractions on my mind but at the same time I didn't want to interpret too much into the whole situation with Finn. She had always been nice to me. Maybe this was just her way of acknowledging and appreciating the things I'd done for her. Hope was a dangerous thing and I was vulnerable even though I hated to admit it.

After chemistry, I finally had the chance to catch up with Ray, who joined me for baseball practise. It was the only sport I liked apart from soccer because I could really focus all my frustration on hitting a ball. Today, I imagined that ball to be Cameron's head. Needless to say I hit everyone of them. Hard.

'What did Finn think of your presents?' he asked me and I smiled.

'She liked them. Well, she said she REALLY liked them.' whatever that meant.

He wolf-whistled and I hit another ball, sending it flying over the field. 'You should ask her out on a date. The timing is perfect. And I think now that Barnes is out of the picture, she realizes she's actually into you.'

'I dunno man. I think she should listen to the rest of the mixtape first.' I squinted at him and he rolled his eyes.

I knew he thought that whole idea with the mixtape was stupid.

'Fuck the mixtape! I mean it's sweet and all but, come on Gee, you're not 12 anymore. You should man up and just tell her straight. Not waste any more time with mixtapes and paintings and being cautious and hope that she would fall for you because you're oh so sensitive and dark and cute and different.' I raised my brows at him but he continued. 'Get the girl, for fuck's sake. She likes you. You're the hero in her story right now so you gotta make a move!'

He was right. Well, with some of the stuff he was saying at least. 'I just want to give her more time, you know? I don't wanna be the replacement for Barnes.'

Ray laughed and slapped me on the shoulder. 'Ha! Replacement. More like an upgrade. Major upgrade!'

*

Was I ready for the B side yet? His card had said that I should take my time and think about it. But what was there to think about? He had a crush on me. No mystery there. The last song on the A side, 'Possibly Maybe' by Björk (which, by the way, caused major goosebumps) was more or less a question. And even though it should be obvious, I was too bewildered to find an answer. So did that mean I wasn't ready?

My parents weren't home from work yet and Josh was at football practise. I was in a weird mood with Suki so I had no one to talk to about it. Why had I snapped at her anyway? Why had I been jealous? Did I really want Gerard Way to myself? What did that mean? I rewound the tape and listened to it again. And again. I loved his taste in music and I loved each and every song he had chosen for me. Anyone could go to the mall and by a cheap necklace but his presents? The painting, the mixtape, it was meaningful and made me feel special. All I wanted was to make Gerard feel the same way.

I finished the schoolwork I had neglected and since my parents still weren't home, I snuck out at the usual time, hoping that Gerard would be there behind Garrison's. Even before the events on friday I had always been looking forward to seeing him, spend some time with him. There was just something about him, I enjoyed his company, he made me feel safe. I smelled the cigarette and smiled.

He gasped as I walked around the corner. 'Jeez. You scared me.'

'Sorry.' he pulled the cigarette from behind his ear and handed it to me. Then, he held out his lighter and our faces lit up for a second. Our eyes met and I saw him blush. 'Thanks.'

What if I just kissed him? He had very kissable lips. They looked soft and I faintly remembered that they had indeed been soft back then, three years ago. He hadn't changed much since then. Except that his naturally brown hair was now dyed black and slightly longer, curling around his ears. He had grown too, was a bit taller than me and he seemed stronger too. Leaner. His bright hazel eyes had lost some of that childish spark but it had been replaced by something more shifty and mischievous. Standing so close to him, I could see a barely noticeable stubble on his chin and upper lip and I caught myself thinking about the other places he had grown hair during the awkward years of puberty. My stomach did a weird thing and I had to look away, afraid that he would notice.

'The painting, when did you make it?' I asked and took another drag of the cigarette.

'Last winter. The day they sent us home because they thought the roof could collapse 'cause of that snowstorm? We were both waiting outside for our parents to pick us up.' I remembered. His mom had given me a lift since mine had been too scared to drive. 'For some reason that picture of you, sitting there, waiting, with your hair blowing in the wind just wouldn't leave my mind. So I ended up painting it.'

'You're very talented. You made me look pretty.'

'You are pretty.' he breathed.

Now. The perfect moment to kiss him. I could tell he was thinking the same thing, the tension almost unbearable. But neither of us moved. And the moment passed.

*

Shit. Fuck. Ray had been right. I did have to find the guts to just do it. Why didn't I just do it? I was about 99% sure that she would kiss me back. Damn you, Gerard, you respectable idiot. I sighed inwardly and stubbed out my cigarette, blowing out the last cloud of smoke. I wish I had another one right now, to give my hands and mouth something to do.

'I should go back. My parents are coming home any minute.' Finn said and I nodded, pushing myself off of the wall I was leaning against.

As I walked back with her, she took my hand, setting my skin on fire. She held it softly, as though she was holding an injured, tiny bird. My hand was neither injured nor tiny but shaking like crazy. It was then I had the epiphany. I wasn't too scared or embarrassed to kiss her and neither did the fact that I wanted to give her more time keep me from it. It was the realization that if I kissed her that would mean we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Not that I didn't want that but I had no idea if I could handle it. What if I sucked at being a boyfriend? What if, once she got to really know me, she decided it had been a mistake and that she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore? Then she would hate me. And we wouldn't even be able to be friends anymore. What if I ended up doing something wrong and losing her forever? I couldn't bear the thought of that.

'Finn...' I started as we arrived at her house. Don't listen to the B side, I thought. Don't find out how badly I want this to work out.

Still holding my hand, she fleetly kissed my cheek. And then she was gone.

Holy shit.

I don't even know how long I stood there, right outside her house, just staring into space. She had kissed me. On the cheek but still. A kiss! Her lips, on my skin! Holyasldkjfalsfda.

I heard a noise above me and looked up, my eyes meeting Finn's as she poked her head out the window.

'Possibly maybe probably love.' she smiled and my heart did a little (okay, big) jump.

'How can you offer me love like that. My heart's burned.' I continued the lyrics and she rolled her eyes in a playful manner. I scratched my head, embarrassed and again, like I was standing naked in front of her.

'Go home!' she giggled and I threw my head back, grinning like an idiot.

It was obvious now that it wasn't my hand she had been holding like an injured, tiny bird. It was my heart, beating violently.

Notes

There's just something about the idea of Gerard playing baseball...I don't know but I think it's kinda hot. Haha

Hope you liked this chapter! I don't have a lot of time to write right now so I don't know when I can post the next one. I'm trying my best not to keep you waiting for too long.

:) thanks for reading