When You & I Were Forever Wild

I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. After Gerard and his mom had left, my parents started their interrogation, asking me question after question. Did I remember what the man had looked like? Had anyone at the diner seen anything? Why hadn't I told them right away? They even asked me if I wanted to go to the police and report it and for a second I panicked, afraid that I wouldn't be able to calm them down enough to just drop the subject. I assured them, again and again, that I was okay and that neither Gerard nor me could even remember what the guy had looked liked so there was no point in taking this any further.

God knows what would have happened if we had told them the truth.

The big deal wasn't what Cameron had done. Seeing clearly now, I should have seen it coming. What had really stunned me was how Gerard had defended my honor. I always knew he was a genuinely good person but since last night, my respect for him had increased even more. Respect, and something else. Something that confused me but at the same time felt familiar.

'Gerard Way is THE MAN!' Suki shouted over the phone. 'Can't believe what Cam and Tom did. Like, seriously, how did we almost fall for that? They should be hanged upside down by their balls. Wait, do they even have balls? Because I doubt it.'

'Me too. Ugh, I feel so stupid. And bad because Gerard had to lie for me!' I proceeded to tell her about Gerard and his mom showing up at our house and how we had invented the random stranger story.

'Well, for now that's the best way to handle things. Let's just hope they stay away from us and don't start any shit. Although...your knight in shining armor is probably gonna show up to save you again, no doubt.' she giggled and I rolled my eyes. 'Have you opened his present yet, by the way?'

Shit. I'd completely forgotten about Gerard's birthday present! I had already ripped off and thrown away Cameron's and I was so proud of myself for doing so. How many girls would sit on their bed now, clenching the necklace, crying their eyes out? Which would be a totally acceptable thing to do, of course. But for now, my anger suppressed the hurt.

'No! But I'm going to, right now. I'll call you back.'

I ran over to my closet where I had hidden the present. I could already tell it was a painting or drawing but there was also a smaller gift attached to it. Carefully, I opened it first.

A tape.

I immediately got excited. No one had ever made a mixtape for me. There was a tiny card on it, it said:

'Happy Birthday Finn. I hope you like this. The songs will tell you everything I can't bring myself to tell you. Listen to the A side first. Think about it. Take your time. And once you're ready, listen to the B side. I'll be there. - Gerard'

Why did he have to be so cryptic? Tell me what? Think about what? Take my time with what? Ready for what? He'll be there? Where? So many questions and no answers. I was curious. Without hesitating, I ran over to my cassette player and popped in the tape. I checked the tracklist, which was also handwritten.

#1 The Smiths - Unloveable

While Morrissey's voice filled my room, I unpacked the canvas carefully. Gasping, I revealed the painting. It was me. He had painted me. It almost looked like a still photograph, my cheeks flushed, my hair blowing around me in the wind, my eyes staring into the distance. When had he made this? I was speechless. I looked so...pretty?

And I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me
I don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours
I don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours

Suddenly, I had tears in my eyes.

*

'So what REALLY happened?' Mikey asked, entering my room uninvited. Fair enough, I had left the door open.

'What do you mean?' I looked up from my comic and into my brother's face.

He was three years younger than me, only 13, the same age I'd been when Finn had kissed me. I wonder if he'd had his first kiss yet. We usually got along, unless he was being a pain in my ass, so he'd probably tell me if he had.

'Come on, Gee. You can fool mom and dad but not me. I know you sneaked out. I was still up when you came back home.' ugh, I should have known.

I got up from the bed and ran over to the door to close it. 'If you tell, I swear to God, I'll set you on fire in your sleep.'

'Whatever. I won't tell. It was Cameron Barnes wasn't it?'

How the fuck did he know? He smiled a smug smile at my stunned look and I sighed in defeat.

'He tried to get Finn drunk so he could...you know.'

'Ooooh! Oh.' his eyes widened and for a brief moment I felt guilty. He was way too young for this sort of conversation. 'And you told her?'

I nodded. 'I told her and I told him to leave her alone. Then he punched me. But Finn still left with me.'

We both smiled. 'Did she kiss you?' I shook my head. 'Oh. Hmm, I think she will though.'

'I dunno. I'm not like that douchebag Barnes. If she doesn't feel the same way about me, I can't change her mind.'

I didn't want to force her to like me. Because what was the point? I also didn't want to be the rebound guy, the second choice to Cameron. I wanted her to like me, for me. I wanted her to really see me. I knew there was something between us, I knew I meant something to her. But what? Was being in love always this confusing or just for 16 year olds? Like, by the age of 10 you basically know in detail how sex works but you have no idea how to figure out if a girl likes you? The world was a dark, scary place.

After finishing the homework I still had to do for monday, I sneaked out for a cigarette. It was chilly again and I had goosebumps, making the hairs on my arms standing up. It looked funny. Passing the Campbell's house, I peered up to Finn's window. The lights were on and I could hear the faint sound of music.

Beautiful, you're beautiful
As beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful
As wonderful as they come
And I can't help but feel attached
To the feelings I can't even match
With my face pressed up to the glass
Wanting you

Holy shit she was listening to my mixtape! And #2, 'Beautiful' by The Smashing Pumpkins was on. Was she laughing at me for confessing my feelings to her like this? Or was she blushing, knowing that I had chosen the songs especially for her? That I almost WAS pressing up my face to the glass. And that I wanted her.

And I'm sure you know me well
As I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell
Who you'll love and who you won't
No, who'll you love and who you won't
No no, who'll you love and who you won't
No no

Don't let your life wrap up around you
Don't forget to call, whenever
I'll be here just waiting for you
I'll be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
I'll be under the stairs forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

Not under the stairs but under your window. Wishing I was right beside you. Did that make me sound like a stalker? Ew. I quickly continued walking, the butterfly mosh pit in my stomach getting more and more violent as I became aware of the fact that SHE WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO MY MIXTAPE. She was spending time, she was occupying her mind with a piece of mine. Wow.

As I lit my cigarette, I realized I was smiling.

*

My heart was beating fast. I hadn't even realized it had gotten dark outside and when I looked at the clock on my nightstand, it showed 7.30pm. Dinner would be ready soon. How would I even be able to make it down the stairs? My legs felt like jelly.

I had just paused the tape, the last song still lingering in my ears.

#3 Radiohead - Thinking about you

I blushed as I remembered the lyrics, I wondered if he had ever seen me in his bed and played with himself. FINN CAMPBELL! Are you actually having inappropriate thoughts about a boy, a boy that isn't Cameron Barnes. GERARD WAY! I shook my head. No no no. These thoughts had been deliberately placed there, it wasn't my fault! I was reading too much into this. Maybe I should pay less attention to the underlying sexual content and concentrate on the fact that the song was actually called 'Thinking about you' and that it, along with the others I had already listened to, told me what he couldn't tell me in person. That he was indeed thinking about me. That he thought I was beautiful. And that he felt as though I didn't see him.

I felt awful. I had seen him! Just maybe not the way he had seen me all this time. How could I ever undo the hurt that I had caused? How could I ever make it up to him? And how could I ever give him something as precious as these presents?

'Finn! Dinner!' I heard my mom shouting from downstairs and I was actually grateful for the distraction although I would hurry so I could listen to the rest of the mixtape.

Of course, my parents had to inform Josh about what happened at my birthday party and that Mrs Way and Gerard had shown up this morning. My cheeks flushed red at the mention of his name and I gulped down my orange juice before anyone could notice but Josh raised his brows at me.

'Gerard Way, huh?'

'He's such a nice kid.' my mother pointed out and my dad nodded in agreement. 'How well do you know him, Finn?'

'Umm...I guess we're friends?' I was trying to act casual, having them all looking at me.

'You should invite him over.' Josh grinned and I almost choked on my OJ.

My parents, who usually weren't exactly encouraging me when it came to boys, both smiled as if it was the best idea ever. It was true, Gerard was a nice guy but why should I invite him over? Did they think we could paint each other's toenails and watch 90210 together? I knew they went to the same church as the Ways but Gerard wasn't one of those prim and proper teenagers who did everything to please their parents. He made it pretty obvious too. His black hair was always messy, he smoked, he sneaked booze, he swore a lot, liked music with underlying but obvious sexual content, his pants were always too tight (I blushed again, remembering Suki checking out his 'firm and tiny' butt) and his shirts were either wrinkled, old, dirty or had holes in them. Deliberately. I liked his style but it surprised me that my parents considered him the kind of friend I should invite over.

'Maybe.' I just muttered and finished my dinner.

I helped Josh with the dishes, doing my best to ignore his inquisitive look. For once, he actually minded his own business and I disappeared back upstairs where I turned my cassette player back on.

#4 The Velvet Underground - I found a reason

I found a reason to keep living
Oh and the reason dear is you
I found a reason to keep singing
Oh and the reason dear is you

The reason was me?

*

What would happen at school tomorrow? Would Cameron and Tom try to start shit with me? As much as I was against a confrontation, I wouldn't mind returning the favor and punching him in his disgusting face. He'd deserve it for what he'd done to Finn, never mind the fact that he had hit me. I wasn't as buff as him but I was strong and quick. I knew I could take him on.

I had trouble sleeping, knowing that Finn had listened to the mixtape. Let's hope she had only listened to the A side yet. What were the other songs I had put on there? After the Pumpkins, there was Radiohead, then The Velvet Underground. What if she had stopped listening by now and was too embarrassed to continue? After everything that happened this weekend, I wouldn't blame her. If she had kept listening, 'Color me once' by the Violent Femmes would be next, then 'In Circles' by Sunny Day Real Estate. Followed by Oasis' 'Wonderwall'. And then, the last song on the A side, like a big question mark - 'Possibly Maybe' by Björk. Yeah possibly maybe she would think about it all. Possibly maybe she would listen to the songs again and possibly maybe she would finally realize how much she really meant to me. And possibly maybe that would make her see me, even like me. At least consider it. Listen to the B side.

I knew I had to be patient now. Cameron Barnes was out of the picture so my chances weren't even that bad. Three hugs!

A dark thought entered my mind then. What if she just wanted to be friends and I was ruining it with my confession? Ugh. Shit. I hadn't even thought about that. I felt brave and bold and after she had invited me to her party I'd decided to just put all my eggs into one basket. Not literally of course. That would have been gross.

Whatever, it was all or nothing now. And I wanted it this way.

What did it really matter anyway? Could I humiliate myself even more? I felt exposed, as if I was standing naked in front of her. I might as well have, these songs were a window to all my thoughts and feelings. But no, I was glad that I actually wasn't standing naked in front of her. Now her standing in front of me was a whole different story. Ugh. Shit. Why did my mind have to go there? I groaned in frustration, closing my eyes, doing my best to ignore my erection. Yeah it was perfectly normal and natural and bla bla bla. But if I jerked off thinking about her now, it would be even harder to face her tomorrow. Friday night's events, my presents, the fact that she had already listened to my mixtape and now knew exactly how I felt that was already enough to make it awkward. Ugh. Did girls have this problem too? Did they get horny that easily too? At least it didn't show. I felt embarrassed by myself. Sitting up, I turned on the light on my bedside table and grabbed my sketchbook and a pen. This would distract me, yes.

When I woke up the next morning, I was sick to my stomach. GERARD WAY WHAT WERE YOU THINKING MAKING THAT STUPID MIXTAPE?! The painting, the fact that I had painted her, that was embarrassing enough but noooo I had to take it to the next level. Shit. Maybe I should fake a serious illness or death or something. My grandma would help me escape to a foreign country for sure.

'Gerard!' ughh.

Okay, man up, Gee. You can do this.

Could I?

Notes

I had so much fun compiling that mixtape and researching the lyrics, I personally think, the research is the most fun part of writing. And all these songs are amongst my personal favorites too.

Anyway, I would really love it if you checked out the songs you don't know, not only for the benefit of the story but to 'expand your musical horizon'. Haha

A side tracklist for you again!

The Smiths - Unloveable
Smashing Pumpkins - Beautiful
Radiohead - Thinking about you
The Velvet Underground - I found a reason
Violent Femmes - Color me once
Sunny Day Real Estate - In Circles
Oasis - Wonderwall
Björk - Possibly maybe

PS: I hope you're still enjoying this! HAPPY NEW YEAR!