When You & I Were Forever Wild

'What does it say?' Suki asked.

Her voice seemed to come from far away. I didn't reply. I just stared down at the tests, not moving, not breathing. My eyes focused on what they were seeing, so intensely that everything else seemed to blur. My heart was beating so vigorously that I could hear the blood pulsing through my veins. Time stood still and my world was spinning, uncontrollably.

'Finn? FINN?' she was standing next to me, and I finally acknowledged her presence again. 'Oh my God!' she grabbed me, forcing me to look at her.

It was positive. All three tests were positive. I was pregnant! I.WAS.PREGNANT.

'I...I...' I stuttered, not able to form a full sentence. Not able to say those three words out loud, too afraid that I would somehow wake myself up from a dream, if I did. A dream that was way too good to be true. A dream that I had dreamt so many times, just for it to turn into a nightmare.

Was this real? I questioned everything. Was I really alive? Was I really married to Gerard? Was I really here with Suki? Was I really pregnant? I couldn't believe it. Maybe I was still on the psych ward, pumped full of drugs and none of this had happened? Was I actually strapped to a bed somewhere and was making this up in my sick mind? Yes, maybe the last few months were actually just a fabrication, a delusion I had escaped into so I didn't have to deal with the pain of the past anymore. What if? This was all too much. This was...

'Finn! Pull yourself together! Don't you pass out on my ass. I swear to God!' Suki tightened her grip as though she wanted to bring me back to the here and now. I felt sick and lightheaded, almost like I was having an out of body experience.

There was a loud knock on the door and I finally drew a deep breath, and my brain was slowly starting to work again. Gerard. He was here! I wasn't losing my mind! I wasn't hallucinating!

'What's going on in there? Why are you screaming like crazy people? Finn? Hey, somebody open this door please?' he sounded worried.

Suki looked at me, assessing the state I was in, trying to figure out if I was ready for this. I didn't know. But what choice did I have? Before I could start panicking again, a huge smile flitted across Suki's face and that did it. I could feel the color appearing back on my cheeks, a huge wave of euphoria rushing through my entire body, jumpstarting my emotions. I was pregnant. Holy shit, I was pregnant! There was a baby. In my belly. A baby!

'I'm gonna let him in, okay? And give you two some space.' Suki said and I nodded, hugging her quickly before letting her open the door.

Gerard looked sleepy and gorgeous, even though slightly confused. Suki simply kissed his cheek and disappeared, leaving him even more puzzled.

'Are you okay? What were you guys doing?' he asked and I just stared at him in utter amazement.

'This is real, right?' I asked, reaching to touch his face to feel his soft skin beneath my fingertips.

'Umm...yes? What's wrong? Do you have a fever or something? You look flushed.'

'Please don't be mad that I didn't do this with you, okay? But I wanted to be sure first.' I said, my voice shaky.

'Do what? Be sure of what? What? Babe, I have no idea what you're talking about.' I pulled him into the bathroom, closing the door again.

It was then he spotted the tests and his eyes widened.

'Finn? What...Finn? Finn!?' his hand flew to his mouth in shock, and I couldn't even do anything to calm him down, still in a state of shock myself. The same thoughts that had been running through my head were now running through his. The same crazy, indescribable feelings were welling up his chest. I could see it on his face and in his eyes, which were already welling up with tears.

'I'm pregnant.' I then said, and the words leaving my mouth felt so foreign that it almost seemed as though somebody else had invaded my body and muttered them for me.

But no. It was me. I was saying them.

'Are you really?' he whispered with a frown, his bottom lip trembling.

'I am. Really. I took three tests. All of them positive. You're gonna be a daddy.'

His arms were around me in a millisecond, and immediately I could feel and hear his sobs. I held on to him tightly while he held on to me. This was the moment. The moment I had been waiting for, hoping for; the moment I had been anticipating. The moment that made it all worth it. The moment I knew would come but could have never even imagined. It was true. Nothing else mattered anymore.

*

The happiness I felt was intangible and inexpressible. All I could do was hug her closer, and cry. I cried and cried. And just when I thought I was able to stop, I cried even more. Up until now, I hadn't believed I was even capable of experiencing such emotions. I didn't know what to do with myself. Finn was pregnant! Only a few weeks after we had decided to have a baby, she was pregnant! We were going to be parents! I couldn't believe it.

'We're gonna have a baby...' I sobbed, and she kissed the nape of my neck, nodding.

This overwhelming joy was on the other end of the spectrum of all the pain I had felt, ever since the day I had broken down with grief and shock as a 16-year old boy. Even though Finn was aware of it, I had never told her just how agonizing it had been for me, simply because I knew it would worsen her own torment. Right now, she could tell though. All the positive emotions were so much stronger due to the fact that we'd had to overcome all the negative ones first. We had succeeded. Despite everything. We were together. Finn was pregnant. This time no one would come between us. This time, we really would be a family.

Finn was comforting me to the best of her abilities while at the same time letting me get it all out. She knew I needed it just as much as she did; so I just continued crying and holding her against me, trying to show her how grateful I was for her existence, for her love, for this, for everything.

'Are you excited?' she asked when my sobbing finally slowed down.

'There's no word that could even come close to describing how I feel right now.' I let her go and looked at her, the smile on her face mirroring mine.

'Same.' she said, cupping my face with her hands and I leaned down to kiss her.

How was it possible that I felt even closer to her? It was a familiar feeling too; it reminded me of the first time we were in a bathroom together, with a positive pregnancy test in front of us. The tears threatened to spill again as I thought about it so I deepened the kiss instead, concentrating on the wonderful sensation that sent the most delightful shiver down my spine.

I didn't know how long we stayed in that bathroom, kissing and hugging and freaking out, shedding a few more happy tears here and there. When we finally exited, Suki was still up, waiting in the living room. She jumped up and stormed towards us, pulling both Finn and I into a hug at the same time.

'Now I HAVE to come to LA with you guys! You need me! Right? Auntie Suki? Can I be Auntie Suki?' she asked, ready to burst with excitement.

Finn and I looked at each other, pretending to think about it for a moment before we both nodded, causing Suki to squeal in delight and hug us yet again. It was heartwarming to see her reaction and I could tell she was almost going through all the emotions with us. As scared as Finn had been to contact Suki and meet her again, in retrospect it all seemed so irrelevant. Their friendship, our friendship, it was special. To celebrate this moment with her was special. To see just how happy she was for us was special. To realize that yes, a lot of shit had happened but all that really mattered was the here and now. I had never dared to think that this was possible for us and I completely understood Finn's panic, her doubt that this wasn't even real. I felt as if I was watching someone else's life from the outside but then another wave of pure joy made me tear up again, making me aware of the fact that it was my life. Our life. And that it wasn't a dream; it was a lot lot better.

*

'Do you wanna continue our road trip? Or go back home?' Gerard asked as we lay in bed half an hour later.

'No! I wanna continue. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.' I said, making us both smile as I corrected myself.

He giggled and buried his head in my shoulder, kissing it lightly. His hand was on my belly and mine on top of his, and that's how we enjoyed this absolutely perfect moment. It was too beautiful for words, it still felt so mind-boggling.

'Do you feel any different?' he asked, propping himself up on his elbow to look at me again.

'I don't know. I mean I didn't until I knew. Not physically anyway. It's way too early. But obviously, now I do. Because I know. It's hard to describe. It's crazy!' I answered, taking a deep breath.

'I'm still waiting for my head to stop spinning so I can really grasp it. But I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon. Or ever.'

'Nope. This is our life now. I'm gonna start puking soon. And get hormonal. And get all sorts of weird cravings which means I'm gonna annoy you by sending you on food runs. And then I'm gonna get really fat.' I rambled until he stopped me by putting a finger on my lips.

'And none of this matters because I love you and I'm gonna pamper you. So much. And be the BEST husband ever. I know, you think that's impossible. I mean how can I possibly be even better than I already am, right? But I promise, I will. I will out-husband myself. And then we're gonna have a baby. And I've already accepted the challenge of being the BEST daddy ever. I think I can do it.' he grinned. God, could he be any more adorable?

'Sometimes I just wanna punch you in the face because I love you so much and ugh. I hate you. Because I love you.' I pressed my fists against his chest, somewhat fiercely before I unclenched my hands to soften my touch, letting him pull me close.

'I think it's called cute aggression. Or S&M depending on how far you wanna go.' he giggled but I nuzzled his neck, making it obvious that I didn't intend to play rough with him.

'You're annoying. And obsessed.' I sighed, just to tease him.

'Says the girl who just told me she loves me so much she wants to punch me in the face.'

'Shhh...I'm hormonal.' I smiled against his skin and he laughed, amused by the fact that I was already using it as an excuse.

We stayed up all night, wrapped up in each other, talking about our baby. It was still so early; I could only be 4 weeks max, but we were too excited. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be here, with Gerard, thinking of baby names. It was surreal but at the same time real enough to scare me. If I hadn't been in his arms, being showered with his kisses, I would have freaked out. There was no doubt that we would freak out at some point; right now though, we were in our bubble of bliss. Even when I got worried about giving up my dream of venturing into nature and travel photography, Gerard remained positive, assuring me that we could make it work. That he would just work from wherever we would be and take care of the baby so I could go off on adventures.

'I already have my own comic book. Now you get to do what you love.' he said, and I knew he meant it. I had his support and I was eternally grateful for it.

I was going to be a mother. In about nine months from now, I would be a mother. I would hold a baby in my arms. Gerard's baby. Our baby. My stomach used to clench painfully at the thought of it, remembering all these horrible years. But now, it was full of butterflies, causing a delightful chaos and I couldn't stop smiling as I realized that in the middle of all the butterflies, was a tiny, tiny jelly bean that Gerard and I had created together. It surprised me just how happy I was although I had been scared for so long. The bad thoughts couldn't grab me, no matter how hard they tried. No, I was protected and I felt the responsibility to protect, and not just myself anymore. We were officially a family now.

*

It was hard to say goodbye to Suki but she understood we had to leave in order to get to New York, where Josh, Ashley and Max were waiting for us. I had already made some calls in order to help Suki on her job hunt in LA and it looked as though by the time we'd return from our road trip, she would be our new neighbor. Finn and I were more than excited about it; we had just shared the most significant days of our lives with her, making it obvious just how much significance our friendship had. Now our mission was of course to see Ray and somehow manage to get him and Suki back together. Maybe it was the pink glasses we were wearing or maybe there really was a chance that it could happen, either way, we had to try.

Finn and I dropped the bomb at dinner, after Ashley had become suspicious when Finn hadn't touched the wine. Not that we had actually attempted to keep it a secret and neither would we had been able to; we both couldn't stop smiling and giggling, being even more loved-up than usual which would have been annoying if it wasn't for the fact that we didn't even notice anything that was going on around us.
Ashley screamed 'Oh my God!', nearly choking on her food; Josh and I shed some man-tears, making Finn stress out over who to comfort first, and the next morning we explained Max that he would soon have a little cousin. Naturally, it resulted in an awkward 'How did the baby get into Auntie Finn's belly?' conversation which Ash and Josh saw as a perfect opportunity for us to practice our parenting skills for the first time. We passed the test, more or less, since Max told us that the 'lions on TV' were making babies once and it had to work the same way. Which obviously, we couldn't deny.

After making it official, Josh went into full-on dad mode, sharing his wisdom with me while trying his best to pretend that it wasn't the scariest shit ever. Ashley did the same with Finn, forcing boxes of baby stuff on her while trying to make childbirth sound appealing. They failed miserably. But that was okay. Not to mention amusing.

Telling Finn's dad and my parents was even more emotional. Mr Campbell broke down crying and I couldn't help but worry that it would all be too much for them both. It was painful to watch but when we hugged, it felt like forgiveness. Even though I knew Finn was also thinking about her mother, wishing she could be part of this in spite of hating her as much as she did, neither of us mentioned her. Thankfully, my mom was there to try to make up for everything Finn had lost, for everything she was missing in this moment. My parents tried hard not to let it overwhelm them but eventually they too ended up in tears.

And then a few days later, I got to see my child for the first time. Well, it was a teeny tiny dot but a cute teeny tiny dot. Ashley had set up an appointment with her ob-gyn for Finn, and after confirming that she was indeed pregnant, we wanted to try and see whether or not there already was something to see. Even though the doctor pointed out that it was almost impossible, there it was. Teeny tiny dot baby. It was there. It existed. The realness of it all hit me and I started sobbing again, pressing my cheek against Finn's belly.

'It's okay...' she whispered, softly running her hands through my hair. She always did that when she wanted to comfort me and it worked every time.

Not that I needed comforting right now. I was happy. Ecstatic, actually. But every other feeling, everything that I had felt ever since that day, it came bursting out of me at once. I wanted to scream, laugh, fall to the floor and curl up into a ball, run away, hug every person I encountered, slap myself in the face, kiss Finn until I was breathless - all at the same time. My thoughts were chaotic, while it somehow seemed like everything was finally falling into place, even if it was happening in slow motion.

13 years ago I had fallen in love with this girl, so deeply and hopelessly that it felt like someone was tearing my heart out of my chest every time I thought about the possibility of ever losing her again. I had never loved anyone else; despite saying it, despite trying to. I could be lost, ill, poor - as long as I had her it didn't matter, it would be alright. I was the most vulnerable because of her, yet also the strongest. Nothing made a difference except for her smile.

'I really really really love you.' I said, kissing her stomach, and her face lit up even more.

'I really really really love you.' Finn replied, making my heart skip another beat.

*~*~*~*~*The End*~*~*~*~*

Notes

SIGH...this was the last chapter you guys! (well - the 'official' last chapter...there will be a short epilogue so stay tuned for that!)
You know I could have easily continued this story for another 40 chapters but I feel like this is the perfect ending.
Thank you everyone who followed this story, and the characters on their many ups and downs - Finn and Gerard will always have a very special place in my heart. It's really really hard to say goodbye to them. :(

Like I said, there will be an epilogue so PLEASE come back for that - it should be up in just a few days.

I love you guys, thank you sooo much for all the support. I will most likely revisit this story many times, and I hope you will too!

<3