When You & I Were Forever Wild

Another week later, we had finally made it to DC, leaving South Carolina, North Carolina, Kentucky, as well as the Virginias behind us. I was nervous, even though I had called Suki several times since we had left Florida, letting her know that I was on my way. She was as excited as I was and I had no doubt that she was sincerely looking forward to seeing me too; still, it would be an emotional reunion and I was mentally preparing myself, trying to figure out what I would say. Gerard wanted me to do it by myself and although he wouldn't need to help me break the ice since it was already broken, I dreaded the idea of not having him by my side. But I kept telling myself that if I could sit and talk to Gerard after ten years without dying of anxiety, I could pretty much do anything.

'You just have to text me and I'm there, okay?' he assured me, pulling me into a hug. We had stopped around the corner from Suki's apartment building and Gerard would wait for me in the car until I'd tell him to join me.

'It might take a while. You know Suki.'

'I'll finish the journal and photos in the meantime. Don't worry about me.' he said, already grabbing the Macbook Air so I would finally leave and do what I had to do.

He was calm and that made me much calmer too. I knew that this was his intention and I loved him for it. I had been such an nuisance, getting worse and worse the closer we had gotten to the capital but as always, Gerard had been patient and understanding, talking me through it and giving me advice on every possible scenario. He had even played the role of Suki at one point when I had asked him to go through a conversation with me, and his imitation of her had been spot on and hilarious. Now I hoped that somehow she would find it in her to be as patient and understanding even though I wouldn't blame her if she wasn't.

'Good luck.' Gerard gave me a peck on the lips, caressing my cheek like he always did. 'I love you.'

'Love you too.' I smiled and got out of the car.

Phew. Here goes nothing. Only meeting my best friend who I hadn't seen in ten years. Could I even still call her my best friend after all this time and not being in touch for so long? It felt foreign to me not to; Suki and I had been friends since Kindergarten and no one had ever come close to replacing her as my BFF. Maybe that was a childish notion. I had great friends and I in no way felt like they weren't 'good enough', it was just different. We had grown up together. Had made the transition from little girls to young women together. Had freaked out over boys, had shared every secret, had discussed our first's. If Suki hadn't pushed me, I would have probably waited another year before admitting I was in love with Gerard. As different as we were, we were also the same. Part of me was certain that nothing had changed that but another part of me just simply couldn't be sure. It was perfectly normal for someone to become a totally different person, especially over a period of time as long as a decade. God knows, I had changed. I knew she didn't have kids and was enjoying the single life. She had also told me that she had just started working on Capitol Hill, as a librarian in the humanities and social science division at the Library of Congress. Which sounded super serious and not at all what I'd imagined her job to be. But Suki had always been full of surprises. Just incredibly versatile, talented and smart in so many ways. Ha! I still felt like boring, bland Finn when I compared myself to her. Silly, considering I was living the 'dream' she had always talked about wanting to live.

I looked back at Gerard one last time before turning the corner and he waved at me with a sweet smile. He still loved me after everything that'd happened. He still loved me after ten years. There was nothing to forgive, he constantly told me, and even Suki had said so in her emails. But I still hoped for her forgiveness as much as I had hoped for Gerard's.

Taking a deep breath, I rang the buzzer. The seconds felt like minutes. My heart was beating so fast and I was chewing my lips; my worst habit, almost equal to Gerard's nail-biting.

'Finn?' I could hear Suki's excited voice coming through the intercom. Ah!

'Yes!' I sounded just as nervous as I was.

'Come on up! 4th Floor.' she buzzed me in and I stepped into the foyer, heading for the elevator.

It took an eternity for it to arrive and I must have pressed the button about 50 times. When the doors opened, I was greeted by a smiling blonde bombshell who threw her arms around me before I even knew what was happening.

'You didn't honestly think that I would be able to just wait at my door?!' she said, tightening her hug.

I was already crying. The watergates had opened the second my brain had realized what was going on and now there was nothing to hold back my tears. They were literally streaming down my cheeks, soaking Suki's shoulder. It was impossible to describe how I felt. The joy and relief was overwhelming, the comfort and solace I found in my best friend's arms like nothing I had ever experienced. There was no doubt then that we were still best friends. That we would always be best friends. That she had missed me as much as I missed her.

'I-I'm so happy to see you.' I sobbed as she released me from the hug while still keeping her arms around my shoulder. She was crying too! I had never seen Suki cry. Or at least I didn't remember ever seeing her cry.

'Oh jeez.' she wiped her face and giggled, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the elevator. 'I'm so happy to see you too.'

~~

After crying and hugging for another ten minutes or so, Suki got up from the couch to get us something to drink. It was the first opportunity I had to take a deep breath, calm down and collect myself. I knew it was going to be rough but I had counted on Suki to bring some light-heartedness to it, making it easier for the both of us. But instead, she seemed just as agitated as I was. Maybe she knew, maybe she could sense that the conversation we were about to have wouldn't be a comfortable one.

She handed me a glass of iced tea and sat back down, looking at me in fearful anticipation. I decided it would be best to just get it over with, tell her everything straight away and as bluntly as possible so we could move on to the positive and really make the most of being reunited again. So the only way to do it, was to just blurt it out.

'I got pregnant. And my mom forced me to have an abortion. And then she sent me away.' I said, staring at the glass in my hands, following a drop of condensation water as it made its way down the side of it before wiping it away with my thumb.

Obviously she was shocked and speechless, apart from the gasp that escaped her mouth. I didn't expect her to say anything, I didn't expect her to do anything. I didn't look for consolation. I didn't even want to get into it too much and go through every agonizing detail again. The only thing I wanted to do was tell her what had happened and let her know why I just disappeared, why I couldn't stay in touch and why it took me so long to contact her again.

'Oh Finn...' she just whispered, tearing up again. 'I'm so sorry.'

'It's okay. I'm okay. I wasn't okay for a very long time but I am now. And it means a lot that you wanted to see me again. And that you haven't given up on our friendship.' I said, still not able to look her in the eyes because I knew I would just start sobbing once more.

'I would never give up on our friendship. Because even though I didn't know what had happened, I knew that you didn't leave voluntarily. And believe me, I tried to find out and when your parents wouldn't tell me I went over to Gerard's.' she told me and at the mention of his name I finally looked at her in surprise.

'You did?'

'Yeah. Of course I did! But he wouldn't talk to me and his parents just...they were acting so weird. It all makes sense now but back then...I don't know. I thought maybe you had broken up or Gerard had done something really horrible and your parents just wanted you as far away from him as possible.'

'That's basically how my mom felt.' I replied with a bitter laugh. 'I didn't even see Gerard after we told my parents. She threatened to kill him. She completely lost it. It was almost like she became possessed by the devil. It was scary. She locked me into my room and said she would beat it out of me if I didn't agree to go to the clinic. My dad didn't know half of it. He thought I had agreed. That I wanted to leave. But I also think that's what he wanted to believe.'

Again Suki was quiet for a few moments, seemingly taking it all in. I could almost see the thoughts racing through her head.

'That is so fucked up. Her ass should be in jail. Have you been back since? To see her or your dad?' she wanted to know.

I proceeded to tell her pretty much everything that had happened in the last ten years, leaving out the fact that Gerard and I had met, gotten back together and gotten married. I talked and talked. About the years that I had spent battling depression and an eating disorder, going to college, moving to LA, my brother and his family in NYC and that I loved visiting him while I stayed far away from Belleville and my mother. That my dad and I had a tense relationship which was getting better but would probably never be how it used to be when I was a child. Suki asked the odd question here and there, carefully, trying her best not to upset me. She wasn't curious, but wanted to make sense of it as much as she could. Her hand was holding mine the entire time. I knew she would eventually ask about Gerard and whether I had seen or talked to him. In a way, I was looking forward to telling her, now that we had covered the bad stuff.

'So...when exactly did you and Gerard get married then?' she took my hand just when I was about to reach for my glass, examining my rings.

'Wha- how do you know?!' I was shocked and she was amused.

'You're wearing the promise ring. I remember when we went to pick them up. Please. You were never good at fooling me or keeping secrets from me. I figured it out the second I saw your eyes light up when I mentioned his name. Then all I had to do was take a closer look at that gorgeous bling and put two and two together.'

'I hate you! I wanted it to be a huge surprise! Ugh!' I pulled my hand away, giving her a scolding look at which she rolled her eyes.

'Well I still wanna know everything! Go on!' she pressed.

I couldn't believe how easy it still was with Suki. She hadn't changed at all. Just like that, we went from crying to smiling and giggling like two schoolgirls gushing over their crushes. And so I started telling her about how I had run into Gerard in New York, how we had talked, how we had pretty much said goodbye after finally finding some closure, how just two weeks later he had shown up at my place in the middle of the night and told me he still loved me. How we had just picked up where we had left off and how we had gotten engaged and married in just a month. It was a delight, talking about him, talking about us, talking about the happiness after all the sadness, sharing it all with Suki. Finally, I told her that I was in fact on my honeymoon road trip around the US and that Gerard was outside waiting in our car.

'Oh my God are you serious? He's here? With you? Holy shit! Bring him up, bring him up! I wanna see his cute ass! I assume it's still cute?' Suki wriggled her brows, making me laugh again.

'Even cuter! Lemme just call him.' I smiled, pulling my phone out of my bag.

*

'This is like a movie, holy shit!' Suki screamed as I stepped out of the elevator. 'And what the fuck, look at you, handsome!'

She looked me up and down, then at Finn who was standing next to her, making her chuckle. It was obvious they both had shed tears but the mood was definitely lighter now, the energy between us almost exactly like it used to be. I had sat in the car for around two hours, not really able to concentrate on writing or editing, becoming absorbed in thoughts about how their conversation was going. Staring at my phone, I had hoped that no 'Help me!' text from Finn would pop up on the screen. When the phone had rung instead, I was somewhat relieved and ready to jump out of the car and head inside to join them.

'You don't look too bad either.' I joked, hugging her tightly.

When I let go I could tell that even though she was trying to cover it up with jokes and flirting, she was as moved as Finn and I by all this. It was like going back in time. Ray was missing, but it still felt as though we were back in high school, meeting in the hallway between classes to make plans for the weekend. Even though we all knew that a lot had changed since then, there was a silent agreement between all of us to not let it get in the way of reviving our friendship. Finn looked relieved and happy, Suki was visibly excited, and I shared all of these emotions with them.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking and laughing. Suki showed us photos of her and Ray at their graduation, a bitter sweet feeling for Finn and I since we should have been there with them. They'd ended their relationship shortly after but remained friends. She knew he lived in Hawaii and they still sometimes emailed each other, even met up a year ago when he was in DC to work on a movie.

'We're thinking about visiting him! You should totally come with us.' Finn said, getting excited.

'If you're okay to fly, still.' I whispered to her but Suki picked up on it and immediately gasped.

'ARE YOU PREGNANT?' she shrieked, looking from Finn to me, back at Finn, back at me, as though she was watching a very fast-paced tennis match.

I was certain Finn had already told her and now I felt bad because clearly, she hadn't.

'Well, we're trying.' Finn said, giving me a 'Why can't you keep your mouth shut!' look and I pouted.

'You want me to leave? Because you can have my apartment! I want you to try. Try a lot. Try all day and all night. Wait, I'm sure you already are. But oh my God! That's so...I don't know I don't have a word for it. You two will make the most gorgeous, cutest babies. Go ahead. The fridge is stocked if you need a snack in between. Just clean up afterwards okay? No. You know what? You don't have to. I'll just call someone. You don't wanna waste precious time that could be spent making babies. I better get out of here. Bye!' she got up from the couch but Finn grabbed her hand, giggling at her outburst.

Man, Suki really had not changed one bit. The funniest thing was, I could sometimes see some of her characteristics in Finn and now that we were together for the first time in such a long time, it was even more obvious.

'That's kinda gross.' Finn pointed out and I nodded in agreement.

'No but really, I'm so happy you're trying to get pregnant.' she was serious again and I knew she wanted to say something else but didn't. She didn't want to upset us and she also knew that we were thinking the same thing anyway, so there was no need to say it out loud.

Especially after what happened.

'Thank you, Suki.' I said, giving her a grateful smile.

*

We went out for dinner and Suki told us about her new job while Gerard and I tried to convince her to quit and move to Los Angeles. By the time we left the restaurant, she was actually considering it, on condition that we'd find her a job that paid even more. Not really a challenge for us. We had good contacts. She could basically already start packing.

Back at Suki's apartment, Gerard retreated to the guest bedroom, passing out as soon as his head hit the pillow. I stayed with him for a while, watching him sleep before I planted a soft kiss on his cheek and joined Suki in the living room again. We had so much still to talk about and I wanted to ask her more about her life, how the remaining years of high school had been, how she had liked college, boyfriends, the move to DC. Just everything. But once again, she took control of the conversation, interrogating me instead. At least she focused on the positive, even though the past came up a few times. I wasn't so scared to talk about it anymore, and Suki was a good listener, directing away from the negative as soon as she realized it was getting too much.

'I knew you would somehow end up together again. I just knew it. It's a shame it took ten years though.'

'Yeah. We lost a lot of time. But we're making up for it now.' I said with a cheeky grin.

'Oh I bet you are.' Suki elbowed me in the side with a giggle. 'So...how long have you been trying? Have you taken a test yet?' she then asked, kind of catching me off guard.

'It's only been a month since I stopped birth control.' I laughed, not even thinking twice about it.

'So? You know you can miss it once and get pregnant? Girl, you could already be pregnant!' her eyes were wide but I just shook my head, trying to shut her up.

'I haven't even had my period.' the second I said it, I realized that it didn't even make sense.

'What? WHAT? Finn, holy shit, you better get your ass off this couch right now and come with me to the Duane Reade down the street to get a pregnancy test.'

I didn't even listen to what she was saying anymore. I haven't gotten my period. Wow, Finn, really? Have you learned nothing since you were 16? No period means you could be pregnant. Did you get sex ed in Texas? What the fuck is wrong with you?

'Finn?!' Suki snapped her finger right in front of my face and I jumped up.

I put on my shoes, grabbed my bag, followed Suki downstairs. She was rambling, telling me off, basically telling me I was a fool, and I had absolutely no reason to deny it. Maybe I hadn't thought about it. Maybe I had simply assumed that after being on birth control for five years and stopping mid-cycle, I wasn't even physically ready to get pregnant yet. And that wasn't such a stupid thing to think! There was also the possibility that I simply wasn't ready to deal with it, letting it become a reality. As much as I wanted to get pregnant, it still was nothing more than an idea, a thought.

'Do you wanna wake Gerard and do it with him?' she asked as we arrived back at her place with three different pregnancy tests.

'No. I rather know for sure first. Because I know he's gonna get his hopes up and what if it turns out I'm not pregnant after all? Let's just do it. If it's negative he'll never know.' I said and Suki agreed.

She left me alone in the bathroom to do the awkward peeing on a stick business. Three sticks, actually. Momentarily, I felt a sense of déjà-vu, remembering the last time I did this. Do not go there, Finn. Don't let your mind go back to that dark place. You're in a happy place now. Breathe. Your best friend is here. The boy you are in love with is here. If you're pregnant, you will have a baby. No one is going to take it away from you. NO ONE. And if you're not pregnant, you're going to keep trying until you are. And you will be eventually. You will have a baby. No matter what the result is, you will.

I calmed down and laid the three tests out on the counter, setting the timer and letting Suki back into the room. We sat on the rim of the bathtub and I took her hand again.

'Back when Gerard and I took that test...in his bathroom at home...we were just sitting on the floor, crying before we even knew the result. I've never been so scared in my life. I was shitting myself. We both were. And when the two lines appeared...I felt like my life had ended. But at the same time I felt happy? I can't explain it.'

'Because you loved him. And knowing you have his baby inside your belly, the happiness...it's stronger than everything else. It cancels out all the bad. I think that's what it is.' she said.

'Yeah...exactly. That's why I also stopped being scared of trying again. I knew the second I'd find out that I was pregnant, nothing else would matter.'

Suki pulled me into a heartfelt hug, squeezing me tightly. I was glad she was here. I was glad she was not only part of my life again but part of something so important. I couldn't have done this with anyone else right now.

And then, the alarm on the timer went off. We looked at each other and she knew I wanted her to check but she shook her head, urging me to get up and do it myself. Again, the voice in my head told me it would be okay. Everything would be okay. It was just the first try. It had only been a month. If this is negative, it would not be the end of the world.

When I finally forced myself to look, all three tests showed the same result.

Notes

I know you all hate me now for ending this chapter with such a massive cliffhanger...hehe I enjoy being evil sometimes.

Also, this chapter only has one 'Gerard's POV' because obviously Finn is with Suki and there's no point in telling you about what Gerard is doing in the car lol and I really wanted to make this about Finn and Suki :) it also ends with Finn's POV - SORRY if this causes confusion - but I think you're all able to tell which POV is which ;) the original order will be restored in the next chapter

There is LOTS of dialogues in this...I hope you don't mind...I personally like a lot of dialogue.

BUUUUUUUT...more importantly...what did you think about this chapter?