When You & I Were Forever Wild

Gerard stared at me as though I had just told him I was a cyborg. He looked absolutely gobsmacked and it was obvious he was at a loss for words. There also was disbelief in his eyes and I couldn't blame him; just a few moments ago we had pretty much both acknowledged that I would never get over the past and therefore would never actually be able to have a child with him. Obviously, he either thought I was losing my mind or I was lying while at the same time hoping that I was in fact, being serious. In all honesty, if he'd ask me what had changed my mind in a matter of seconds, I wouldn't be able to answer. I had no idea. Of course I always wanted to have a baby with him, hypothetically. Not as in 'let's make a baby right now' which was more or less what I'd just told him. Something inside me had just clicked. That look on his face when he'd taken in my words, when I'd talked about what could have been, that sadness in his eyes. The worst thing was knowing that he felt sadder for me than for himself. And while I was trying to put it all into words, I realized.

'For real?' the careful way in which he asked the question was so endearing that all I wanted to do was hug him.

I nodded and immediately I could see tears welling up in his eyes. It really meant so much to him? If only I'd known! Yes, I'd always been aware that he wanted to have kids with me but I'd never been completely sure because he was so good at downplaying it for me.

'But...but...do you mean like...you want to or you want WANT to?'

'I want WANT to. I really do, baby. I'm scared but...I can't let that get in the way. I can't let that be our fate. And I know you're gonna be there and I don't have to go through all the emotions and worries and fears by myself.'

'Also, at the end of it, we're gonna have a baby. So it's all worth it.' he said, smiling through the tears.

'Exactly. It took me a while to get there but I know that now.'

He still seemed to think that it was all too good to be true. I shared that sentiment with him and it wasn't about proving him wrong or convincing him. Just like him, I also still had to take it all in, get used to the feeling that was now making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside as well as making me wish I already had a baby in my belly. This new perspective felt so foreign that I almost had doubts about it being sincere and real but as Gerard pulled me into his arms, planting little kisses all over my face, that too went away.

'I want you to tell me when you get scared. I want you to talk to me. Promise?' his breath tickled my skin but it was the most delightful sensation.

'Promise.' I said, without hesitation.

'I'm serious, Finn.' he hugged me tighter. 'Even if you change your mind. You can talk to me.'

'I know. But I won't change my mind. And I was serious about starting tonight.' I ran my fingers through his hair and felt his heart beat faster.

There still was a hint of anxiety I could feel, vaguely, in the pit of my stomach. It would probably always be present, and I had to learn to live with it, knowing that something much stronger, much better had already started outdoing it. It would be a fight, one I had to fight every day. The emotional roller coaster didn't stop with the decision that it was entirely worth fighting, it would only get more intense. I had realized and accepted that. There was no way around it. I could either give up or keep going. And for all both Gerard and I had gone through, for all the odds we had beaten, we could not admit defeat now. We loved each other, we were married, we wanted to start a family. This had always been our plan. We had been given a second chance at it and it would be foolish not to take it. I knew that when I cried, he would be there just like he always was. I knew that when I panicked, he would calm me down. He was part of this as much as I was and now that I had finally gotten it into my thick skull, it seemed to manifest.

*

Even though I saw the change in Finn, I couldn't help but worry that it wouldn't be permanent. She had been so up and down lately, it was hard to shake the doubts. And I hated myself for it. As happy as I was about this new positive attitude that seemed truly genuine, I wanted to be careful. Getting my hopes up too soon could mean falling into an even deeper pit of sadness once she realized that she wasn't ready after all. I wanted to remain rational but still optimistic which was difficult to do because this meant so much to me. When Finn and I had first started dating, it had been so clear to me that she was the one. The girl that I would marry and have kids with, the girl I would grow old with. The only one that I would ever truly belong with. Nothing had changed, I was still certain about it. On the one hand, these promises were fragile but on the other, I trusted her with all my heart and I knew that she would never say all these things without truly meaning them.

Maybe she knew and maybe that's why she did what she did next. I thought she had been joking about the rather drastic measure but as she reached for her backpack and pulled out the little toilet bag she kept her birth control pills in, I didn't say a word. Finn emptied the contents onto the blanket and without any hesitation, flung the pill package into the flames of the campfire. For a moment, she just watched as it burned before she looked at me with a smile on her face.

'You didn't think I'd do it.' she acknowledged and I could tell she didn't blame me in any way.

'I don't know what I was thinking.' I admitted. 'I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.'

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Or freak you out.'

'S'okay. You're overwhelmed too right? You're freaking out too?' I asked and she put her arms around me again.

'Yup. Just a little. Just a tiiiny bit.'

'That makes it less scary.'

'You know that means we have to stop partying now. No more crazy anniversary celebrations.'

'We just have to celebrate in other ways I guess.' I smirked, stealing a kiss from her.

'But we've been doing that!'

'Do it more then.' and I stole another one.

'Even more?' Finn pretended to consider the idea for a brief moment, looking adorable as she furrowed her brow. 'It's not that we need excuses but we have them now.'

I couldn't deny the fact that the possibility of getting her pregnant made me want her even more. Was that a male thing? It was silly in a way but as she pushed me back and climbed on top of me, it was apparent that she felt the same. Yes, she wanted this just as much as I did! Yes, she was absolutely sure about it! Yes, yes! My doubts disappeared, making room for the most wonderful feeling I'd ever felt. The realization that theoretically, Finn and I could be parents in nine months from now wasn't even tangible yet, although I already got emotional over it. Of course both of us knew that it wasn't that easy. It would most likely take a while and a good amount of tries. But we were officially trying to make a baby! Holy shit!

'What?' Finn asked as I bursted out laughing like a maniac.

'Nothing. I'm just so happy!' I giggled, grabbing her hips and turning us around.

My excitement was reflected in her eyes and she looked even more beautiful than on our wedding day. She took my face in her hands, her fingertips softly stroking my skin. I had been perfectly happy before, I was always perfectly happy with her but now, knowing that we had finally overcome the biggest and hardest obstacle, the one that had always hung over us like a dark cloud, I felt ecstatic. Because I could see the fear, the anxiety, the guilt, the doubt, all of that disappearing. It wasn't gone completely, I was aware of that. But finally, Finn wasn't scared of it anymore. And neither was I.

*

The beach became our home for three days and luckily, no one interrupted our blissful togetherness. We spent the days in the ocean and in the sand, building sandcastles. We spent the nights cuddled up in front of the fire, looking up at the stars, thinking of baby names. It was perfect now. And for once I didn't feel like it was too perfect. There were no wandering thoughts that resulted in sadness and paranoia. There were no words left unspoken. The wall I had built had crumbled down. Thanks to Gerard. Whenever something entered my mind, I shared it with him. Good and bad. So the good could become even better and the bad was nipped in the bud. I was surprised by how natural it felt before I remembered that it was something we had always done as teenagers. In no way was I completely okay with what had happened but I had not only found a way to deal with it but successfully executed it. In the midst of our loved-up daze, Gerard called Ray, who was indeed in Hawaii and the two talked for almost three hours. At the end of their conversation, Ray had invited us to visit him, promising to give us a tour of Oahu and the set of LOST when he heard I was a fan. As if we needed another reason to go see him! Gerard was just as happy and relieved as I had been when Suki had replied to my email. It made me even more hopeful that we could all be friends again.

In the next two weeks we covered Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama and Georgia before heading down to Florida. In New Orleans, Gerard insisted we turn into total tourists and pay psychic readers and fake voodoo priests to tell us about our future. He got way into the darkest shit and dragged me to museums, a cemetery (which I admittedly liked, probably because it reminded me of that one time when we were 16), tombs, and an actual voodoo priestess. I was fascinated but when he wouldn't even let me sleep, keeping me up all night by reading from a book he had bought that was more than just a little creepy, I knew it was time to move on. We followed the Mississippi River up to Baton Rouge, stopping in Gonzales on the way to get a taste of the world-famous Jambalaya. After passing through Jackson, we headed further north, crossing the border to Arkansas, where we spent a day hiking through Hot Springs National Park before making camp for a night. In Memphis, we naturally visited Elvis' Graceland mansion, and although I had never been a big fan of his music, he undoubtedly was The King, and it proved to be special experience. We stayed in Memphis for two full days, wandering and exploring the city, then followed the musical path to Nashville while listening to nothing but Johnny Cash. Gerard and I were both in a silly mood still, and nothing could have dampened our spirits. Even though we were getting closer and closer to the East Coast and ultimately New Jersey, I focused on how much we were enjoying this road trip now that we had successfully started dealing with the past by finally allowing ourselves to have the future we had always wanted. We were closer than ever, and it surprised me that it was even possible. Night after night we would stay up talking and I'd share things with him that I'd never shared with anyone, not even myself, before. There were tears but they dried right away, and when he pulled me close and I felt his skin against mine, everything that had happened all of a sudden seemed so irrelevant in comparison. We were both calmer now but that didn't mean we didn't enjoy the adventures. On the contrary, we enjoyed them more consciously.

As we reached Florida, we spontaneously decided to take a trip to the Florida Keys, where we spent the weekend of our one month anniversary in a private cabin right on the beach. It would have been romantic anywhere but this was like a dream. Needless to say that the beautiful scenery inspired us even more to work on that baby making.

Maybe I was already pregnant? I thought about it all the time but I was too nervous to just buy a test, telling myself over and over again that it was way too early and there was no pressure. If it happened, it happened and we would know soon anyway. But of course it was obvious that it was always on our minds, especially when we made love.

'I just want to look at the moon all night.' I mumbled, staring up at the full, glowing white ball that illuminated the water in front of us.

I had lost track of time and really couldn't tell for sure how long we had been lounging in this hammock. We had watched the sunset and had then fallen asleep for a little while but now we were wide awake, just listening to the waves and looking up at the sky. It should have been cheesy but it wasn't. Nothing was. If I had read our story in a book, I might have rolled my eyes thinking 'That doesn't happen in real life'. I would have been annoyed by that simple fact. But it was my life and we deserved this kind of happiness, this kind of love.

'Well yeah, it's a nice moon and all but...you know...' Gerard wrapped one strand of my hair around his finger, snuggling closer to me. 'There are nicer things we can do all night.'

I giggled, pressing my lips against his neck, enjoying the way he so obviously wanted me. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.' I whispered, while my hand already started to wander.

*

'Really?' I teased, and she looked up at me with that innocent look that I knew didn't fit with what was going through her mind.

I leaned in for a kiss but she sat up and climbed out of the hammock, almost making me fall out on the other side. She didn't even bother helping me as I struggled, wandering off towards the cabin before I could clumsily follow her. There was a sexy smirk on her face that put me in a playful mood immediately. I ran up to her and she squealed as I tackled her, lifting her up and throwing her over my shoulder with ease. Finn half-heartedly tried to escape my grasp, slapping my backside and scratching my skin. She was good at playing this game and she did it only to make us both even friskier which of course worked every time. As I put her down on the bed and covered her body with mine, attacking her with kisses, the cuddly mood we had been in just a few minutes ago had all but been forgotten.

Everything about her excited me and it got stronger and stronger each day. I felt at home when she put her arms around me, seducing me with how her body welcomed mine, always and without hesitation. I kissed up and down her neck, all over her face, making her chuckle and sigh. My lips wandered down her shoulders, her collarbones, until they coyly reached her breasts. I took off her bikini top, flinging it across the room before taking advantage of the full access I now had. But she didn't let me enjoy it for long, pushing me off her and climbing onto my lap. Responding with a somewhat provocative frown, I wanted to challenge her, in denial about the fact that she was already challenging me. She pretended to ignore it, her fingers now gliding over my chest in an almost tickling manner and I couldn't hold back a laugh which made her face light up even more. I made her happy! And every time I realized that, every time I saw just how happy I made her, it felt like an explosion was happening in my chest.

'My pretty baby.' she smiled, pushing the hair out of my face and I blushed at her tender words.

Then her lips were on mine again, her skin against mine and the playfulness mixed with passion, made me pant. I was aware of how much she loved being in charge but I couldn't hold back, rolling us over once again. After an initial protest, she embraced the new position, wrapping her legs around my waist. I was turned on enough already but that turned me on even more and soon our remaining clothes came off in a hurry. Our kisses became more eager, and I could feel her hands wandering down to my butt, squeezing, and she giggled when I gasped.

'You are such a tease.' I sighed, earning another giggle from her.

Payback was sweet, though. And I knew she would eventually beg me to stop if I turned the tables. I kissed her again, my tongue slipping into her mouth while I grabbed her wrists, pinning down her arms above her head. Honestly, I had expected her to struggle again but maybe she liked playing submissive for a change. Maybe she knew I was gonna take advantage of that in the best way possible. My lips wandered again, softly tracing her skin. She tasted like the sun. That was the only way to describe it. I spent a considerable amount of time exploring her body with my mouth, satisfied with how impatient she got before I even made my way south. I could tell she just wanted me to stop and take her, even though she didn't say it. And until she said it, I wouldn't stop. As I kissed around her belly button, I could already feel her legs tightening around me, and I looked up at her with a grin.

'Don't you dare.' she muttered, shaking her head in disapproval. Yeah, a tiger doesn't change its stripes after all.

'Don't I dare what?' I asked innocently, planting another kiss on her belly.

'Ughhh, Gerard!' Finn complained. 'Just...'

'Just what? Don't tease you? Is that what you're asking me? Not to tease you?' I taunted.

I wasn't prepared for how she looked at me. Finn was the master of perfecting the sulky look, complete with puppy dog eyes and a pout that could melt an iceberg.

'I just want you to make love to me.' she said, making me feel guilty as though I was depriving her of it.

'You are the worst!' I shook my head and she smiled a huge smile when she realized she had succeeded in making me abandon my mission to make her suffer just a little bit longer.

I made my way up to her lips again, capturing them in an apologetic kiss while I entered her gently. The need for her was constant and only increased the longer we were together. And what was the satisfaction of a little teasing compared to the feeling of being with her?

Notes

I'm so so sooooo sorry that it took me so long to update! :(((( I didn't have time to write because I had so much to do and it made me really really sad. And when I finally had a little time here and there, my mind was blank.

Anyway, I hope you still enjoyed the chapter even though it comes with such a huge delay.