When You & I Were Forever Wild

We left Roswell the next day, luckily in a much better mood. Suki's positive response as well as Gerard's affections and another nine hours of sleep had helped get rid of the angsty feelings the comedown had brought on and we were now both back to normal. More or less. As the day went on, I returned to thinking about where all that insecurity, self-hate and doubt had come from and that the root of the problem reached a lot deeper. But as always, the awareness didn't change anything about the unwillingness to deal with it. Scratching the surface was okay but everything else? I didn't even know why exactly I was so scared. Gerard wouldn't judge me. He would not get annoyed or angry with me. Sad, maybe, yes, and of course I wanted to avoid making him sad. I knew that wasn't the reason for my resistance. No, it was much more than that. In a way, I liked punishing and torturing myself by not forgiving myself for what I had let happen. It was, in my mind, the only way to redeem myself for hurting Gerard, Suki, Ray, even my family. They could tell me again and again that it hadn't been my fault, that they never hated me or made me responsible for it. Their words didn't matter. Or, like in Gerard's case, they made things better for a while, until I woke up from another nightmare or was reminded of it in any way. Part of me really believed him and the other part just wanted to believe him, for my own sake and for his, because I knew he would feel like a failure if he couldn't make me happy.That's what hurt me the most. The fact that he felt like he wasn't enough to fix me. But the truth was, I could only fix myself and it wasn't his responsibility; I never expected it from him either. Gerard wasn't stupid, he knew all that. His problem was that he blamed himself for the events that had taken place ten years ago just as much, possibly because he thought it would help me not to blame myself. Or simply because he felt guilty. I didn't know. I didn't know because we didn't talk about it. Back in New York when we had seen each other for the first time after all these years, we had put a band aid on a bullet hole just so we could both 'move on'. It was supposed to be enough considering that we wanted to put it behind us in order to live our separate lives. Now that our lives were entwined, the fact that the wound was still bleeding was a problem. I felt conflicted. I wanted to be happy with him yet I couldn't stop feeling as though I didn't deserve it because I had caused so much pain. I wanted to move on but I was scared of the necessary steps I had to take, even though I knew it would bring me peace, even though I knew I wasn't alone. I wanted to have a baby with him yet I couldn't stop thinking about the baby we had lost. I wanted Gerard to understand but I never opened up. That was another issue. I trusted him implicitly, I trusted him with my life but there was something preventing me from sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings with him. Was it the fear of losing our happiness again? The fear that something bad would happen again? I couldn't make sense of it. So how could it ever make sense to anybody else? I had thought about this so many times yet nothing changed.

I didn't want to be this person. I didn't like this part of me. I wanted to be fun Finn, carefree Finn, positive Finn; I didn't want to have nightmares and be too scared to even imagine having a baby with the man I loved. That wasn't me. I wanted to be like the 16-year old Finn before all the shit happened to her. In a way I was but in another way I was the furthest from it. Sometimes it felt like I was bipolar or had two different personalities that were constantly contradicting each other. And I wasn't in control of which one I'd let win.

'You're quiet today.' Gerard pointed out, attempting to skip a stone across the water.

It was noon and we had stopped at Sitting Bull Falls, a series of waterfalls located in a canyon just southwest of Carlsbad, New Mexico. Spotting the sign we had quickly decided that a dip in one of the pools would be the perfect way to escape from the hot midday sun. The usual crowd of hikers hadn't arrived yet so we had the area pretty much to ourselves which was nice.

'I'm just thinking about stuff.' I replied, drying my hair with the towel.

He looked at me curiously, as he laid down on his towel, squinting against the sun. There was something in his expression, a silent acceptance. He knew that I didn't want to talk about it so he didn't bother asking any further questions, probably because he wanted to avoid upsetting me. Had he given up? Was this his way of saying 'You know what? I'm not going to worm it out of you. If you don't want to talk to me, whatever.'? It shouldn't be like this. It couldn't be like this. Even as teenagers we always talked to each other. About our worries and fears, the embarrassingly intimate things. And as honest as we could be when we talked about the most meaningless topics now, we had become masters at avoiding others. Well, I had. I could see how Gerard was becoming tired of being the instigator of every 'deeper' conversation, I could see how frustrated it made him when I dismissed it as something we would talk about at some point just to then have an emotional breakdown over it hours later. It wasn't fair to him. I was making him even unhappier when he already blamed himself for not making me happy enough.

*

There was this look on Finn's face that I couldn't make sense of. She surveyed me, almost as though she was looking at me for the very first time, as though I was a stranger that had just appeared next to her. It made me feel uncomfortable, exposed almost, which was ridiculous because no one knew me better than her. I didn't speak and neither did I move, I just let her eyes wander while I tried to figure out what she was doing. Just when I thought I couldn't take the tension anymore, her arm wrapped around my waist and she snuggled up to me, closing her eyes and resting her head on my naked stomach. She sighed and her hand grabbed my arm, her fingers tracing my skin lightly. The uncomfortable feeling turned into something else. I still felt exposed but now she was too, so it was okay.

'I was thinking about who I want to be.' she said and I was surprised that she was actually talking so I decided not to interrupt for now. 'Whether I want to be this girl who has all this pain inside of her or the girl who is happy with who she is and with the boy she loves. I can't decide, Gerard. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who I can be.'

What was I supposed to say? I knew she didn't expect me to have an answer for her but I wanted to give her one nonetheless. Yet nothing came out of my mouth. I just stared at her, watched her as she opened her eyes again, meeting my gaze.

'You know what my grandma always told me? She said 'You are who you are. And all the things you don't like about yourself are part of who you are. You can't just pretend they're not. A person is like a puzzle and just because there are a few pieces that are difficult to put together doesn't mean it's never gonna be finished.' I don't think you have to decide anything, Finn. You already have. And guess what? I like every part of you. What I don't like is when you hate yourself because you feel like you have to be anybody else but you.'

'Well I don't like it when you hate yourself because you feel like it's your fault when I'm not happy. That breaks my heart. And remember, you told me it was okay to be sad sometimes.'

'I did.' I admitted.

'Then why do you beat yourself up when I'm sad?'

I sighed. It felt like we were going around in a circle, with no chance to break out. 'I don't know. Because I want to protect you from everything that's bad. Because obviously I failed to protect you before.'

'You feel like that?' she asked, sitting up again and I nodded. 'So it will always be about blaming ourselves, I guess.'

'I guess.'

What else was there to say? We knew the reasons why. Yet we couldn't change it. We didn't know how to.

'So, I can't do anything to change the way you feel. You can't change anything about the way I feel. Great. Sounds like the perfect marriage.' Finn grabbed her clothes and I could tell she was close to tears. Oh fuck. FUCK. This was going so well. She was opening up! And now this was going nowhere...again.

'Finn...come on.'

'You know, maybe this only works because we fuck all the time. Or because we get shit-faced. Maybe all this, this little adventure...maybe it's nothing more but an escape. We just keep escaping from everything! That's the plan!'

I couldn't believe she was saying that. I couldn't believe she was even thinking that.

'What the fuck, Finn?'

'Then how is it gonna work? How?' she wanted an answer but all I could do was shrug. I had no idea.

*

We continued our journey in silence. From time to time Gerard reached for my hand and even though I couldn't get myself to pull away, holding his didn't give me any comfort like it usually did. I was confused and hurt by my own actions. I kept looking for an excuse but I couldn't find one. There was no excuse for what I had said, for what I had done. He had been trying so hard even though he was hurting and I had stuck a hot knife right into his open wound. I didn't want him to blame himself yet I blamed him. I blamed him as if it was his fault that I kept running away from reality, that I kept running away from him.

After an overnight stay in El Paso, we traveled down to the coast to Corpus Christi, only bothering with a few half-hearted stops on the way. We only talked when we had to and explored the sights almost as though we didn't even belong together. While I was taking photos, Gerard was running off to find a spot where he could do whatever. It wasn't like we were angry at each other. At night he would still hold me in his arms and I would still kiss him; but there was this distance between us and to my horror, it felt familiar. Back when Gerard and I had met in Starbucks, back when we had sat face to face for the very first time in almost a decade, I had felt the same. The sadness was back and it was devastating. I couldn't let this happen. We weren't strangers. We were married, for fuck's sake. He was my everything. I knew how he felt about me and I knew there was no point in all this suffering when what we had was so special, so good. Why was I wasting all this time with the past? No one could change it anyway. Why were we doing this to ourselves?

'Here.' Gerard handed me the paper plate with a near perfect s'more.

'Thank you.' I said, looking up at him.

We had arrived at Mustang Island State Park, where camping was allowed on a 1.5 mile stretch of beach. It was romantic, especially since we were the only ones around and under different circumstances, I would have snuggled up to Gerard in front of the campfire. Instead, he sat down next to me, leaving enough space for another person to sit between us. The urge to move closer was almost unbearable but I knew I had to apologize first. I knew I had to talk to him first. If I couldn't do that, there really was no point.

Both of us had a tendency to overthink. Even though I couldn't see inside his mind, I was aware that it sometimes became as crowded with thoughts as mine and in this chaos, nothing was certain, nothing was clear. Maybe we were in need of psychotropic drugs and therapy, maybe even that wouldn't be enough. Or maybe I just had to get the fuck over myself and be happy because I had him. I had Gerard. Adorable, gorgeous, sexy, funny, smart, creative, talented, passionate, loving, beautiful, humble, gentle, thoughtful Gerard. He was everything I ever wanted and needed. He loved me regardless of the shit that had happened. He was the sun in my sky. Always. Even on cloudy days. And I had my health, an amazing job, great friends who even after ten years still wanted to be my friends. I had the freedom and means to do whatever I wanted. I had the perfect life. What was the past compared to this? Nothing. It meant shit. But. BUT.

Instead of continuing my thoughts, instead of keeping them to myself, I took a deep breath.

'We're married...' I said, staring into the fire.

'We are.' he sounded confused and I couldn't blame him.

'We're married...and that's amazing. I thought I had lost you forever but you came back to me. And now we're married. It scares the shit out of me. I mean, a few months ago, everything was different. Everything was painful. And dark. And now everything is perfect. I think sometimes, I just can't handle it. I become aware of how close I was to dying. I become aware that it used to be either that or coming to terms with living my life without you and never being happy. From one day to the next, that changed. Like my life was turned upside down. Like I went from zero to a hundred in three seconds. It overwhelms me.'

'Yeah...' he turned toward me and moved a little closer with some hesitation.

'Sometimes I think we should have waited. That we should have built our relationship again, that we should have started from scratch instead of jumping right into it again as though no time had passed and nothing had happened. Because ten fucking years have passed, Gerard. And A LOT has happened.'

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt his thumb softly wiping a tear from my cheek.

*

'I was just so happy. And so desperate to be with you again.' I said, knowing she understood.

'Me too.'

'Would we be less scared if we had waited though? If we hadn't gotten married?'

'Please don't think I regret it. I don't. You know I don't.' she looked at me and all I wanted to do was hug her. Hold her. Make all this go away.

I knew. If there was one thing I didn't doubt it was Finn's feelings for me. She was as crazy about me as I was about her.

'We thought the past would never catch up with us again because we now have a future together. And that was naive and stupid.' it wasn't a revelation, we had admitted to this mistake before.

She was quiet for a few minutes and it seemed as though she was trying to find all the answers in the flames. I was worried that she had retreated again but hoping that she was only sorting her thoughts before she shared them with me. Was there even something I wanted her to say? Was there something I needed to hear? If that was the case, I wasn't consciously aware of what it was.

'I really wanted it, you know? The baby...I know, we were so young but I wanted it because I couldn't imagine anything more beautiful than having your baby. You've given me so much of you. And then I couldn't give you that. And now all I want is another chance at it but I'm so fucking scared. I keep thinking about it and I feel this pain, like someone is kicking me in the stomach.' her voice was merely a whisper but her words affected me so deeply they caused a lump in my throat.

'Finn...' I swallowed hard and reached for her hand which she willingly grasped.

'The worst thing is knowing that you know all that. Because I know you've already given up on the idea of ever having children just so I don't have to deal with it. I mean I can't even think about it, I can't even talk about it without crying so how in the world could I? You married me, knowing that I was too messed up. You married me, knowing that there wouldn't be another chance. You married me, despite all that.'

She was right. I had known from the very first moment. The emotional detachment I could see whenever she was confronted, directly or indirectly, with the topic of pregnancy, children or motherhood; the nightmares, the avoidance of dealing with what had happened. She wasn't over it and neither was I, especially when my thoughts drifted back to the sleepless nights I had spent thinking about her, in that cold room, on that table, with her mother standing over her. That abortion had been so much more than just an abortion. And I'd been aware that we would never be able to move on from it ever since the day I'd passed out outside the Campbell's house.

'Because I love you.' I muttered. 'And I knew you loved me. That was enough for me.'

The look on her face broke my heart. I could see how much she wanted things to be different for us, how much she wanted to be a normal, happy girl; how much she wanted to just do what normal, happy newlywed couples did: thinking about starting a family. I could see how the fact that I wanted nothing more than that was tearing her apart on the inside. I felt like the worst person in the world for wanting a baby with the girl I loved because I knew how much pain it caused her.

'You know what my grandma always told me? She said that having a child with the person you love is the greatest gift in the world. She said the moment you hold your baby in your arms, nothing else will matter. Not any pain. Not any worries. Not any anger or conflict. Nothing.' I could hear it in her voice that she was about to start crying even more but she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths instead.

I looked down at our entwined hands and stared at her thumb as she was caressing mine before she squeezed, making me look up again.

'I don't want the past to keep us from having the future we always dreamed about. I don't want to be scared of something that should make me happy. I'm done being scared. My mother has ruined my life once, I'm NOT gonna let her ruin it again. Fuck!'

She wiped her wet cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie before looking into my eyes, a different expression on her face now. One that I couldn't quite read. Was there a hint of a smile on her lips? Finn took my other hand in hers and I could feel that she was shaking.

'I wanna have a baby with you. Babies. I wanna have babies with you. And unless you stop me, I'm gonna throw my birth control pills into this fire, right now. Because I wanna start making babies with you, tonight.'

Notes

Wow I really didn't think that I would be able to post this today...but here it is.

Very intense chapter. I honestly cried when I wrote it :(

Buuuuut as you can see, the ending is not that bad, right?

Baby making, yes/yes?