When You & I Were Forever Wild

The sun was already beginning to rise when we finally made it back to our hotel. Luckily we had been smart enough not to drive, given the state we were still in, so we had decided to lock the truck and walk back into town which took us nearly an hour. Not surprisingly though, we met a lot of fellow party-goers who were also doing the walk of shame, most of them looking so wasted that it made us look sober in comparison. Since Gerard and I were pretty much the last ones to leave the factory after the police had shown up, we only encountered people who had been at other parties but heard about the incident and we kept our mouth shut, not in the mood to share any gossip.

We didn't talk much at all, the comedown already crushing our spirits. I knew it was gonna be rough, given the fact that the high had been incredibly intense and had lasted so long. It wasn't the first time I experienced this but usually I only felt sorry for myself. This time, I also felt guilty for what I had done to Gerard. If I hadn't accepted these pills from Darcy and made him take them, we would be in bed sleeping off a completely legally-induced pain that would make us feel shitty too, yes, but not that miserable. My past experiences should have taught me a lesson but apparently I was a rebellious teenager, not a 26-year old woman. What had I been thinking? Drugs! And not just any but MDMA which was really dangerous! Oh my God. I could have killed us both!

'Finn, why are you crying?' Gerard asked as he found me sitting on our bed when he came out of the shower.

'I'm a horrible person.' I sobbed, not even able to look at him.

'What the fuck are you talking about?' he sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I felt like leaning in to hug him as much as I felt like pushing him away.

'I am! I'm horrible. I'm doing all these horrible things to you. I'm your wife! I should protect you like you protect me but NO! I'm getting you into trouble and putting your life in danger.'

'You're not putting my life in danger! Are you crazy?'

'NO! I'm NOT crazy. I'm serious!'

'Finn please. Don't be upset. Please. Let's just try to sleep it off. I have some Ambien somewhere. Come on. Get into bed.'

He got up and lifted up the covers for me to slip under and even though I did it with some reluctance, I was too exhausted to resist. I swallowed the sleeping pill he gave me and waited anxiously for it to take effect, feeling like crying again when he settled down next to me. I should have been thinking about the fun we'd had all night, the unbelievable kick that was not only attributed to the drugs but also to just being us and being crazy in love. There was no doubt in my mind that even though the pills had intensified everything, we would have had a great time without them. So why the hell had I taken them? Why the hell had I given them to him? Was I really that messed up? Was this me running from my problems once again? Just how desperate was I to get away from the dark thoughts, from the painful thoughts? I was so willing to take advantage of every opportunity to just forget that I discarded all logic, all sense of responsibility? Wow. Did I even deserve Gerard? Obviously I had problems talking to him about what I was so scared of. Obviously I preferred to drink, medicate, dance, and fuck it all away instead. Obviously I didn't know how to be a companion, let alone a wife to him. I was shitty. A shitty person and a shitty wife. And it was probably best to never have a child because I would be a shitty mother too, for sure.

I buried my head in the pillow, soaking it with tears while trying my best to do it in silence so he wouldn't notice. But of course he did. I half-expected him to ask me what was wrong, or tell me off for being an emotional wreck when I knew exactly it was simply the aftermath of the party; instead, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, making me his little spoon. Being so close to him and feeling his whole body; his warmth, the softness of his skin, his scent, his lips as they caressed my shoulder, I immediately felt slightly better. We communicated without words and maybe he knew that right now it was the only way to do it. Maybe he knew and he just wanted to let me know that it was okay. That he understood. And that we would figure it all out when the time was right.

For now, the only thing that could help was sleep. And it thankfully came.

*

I relaxed when Finn finally fell asleep in my arms and that was both a good thing and a bad thing. At least she was okay now, at least her troubled thoughts weren't bothering her anymore. But not having to worry about comforting her anymore left me alone with my own thoughts. As much as I fought them, as much as I wanted to control them by telling myself that this depression was only caused by the usually feel-good neurotransmitters in my brain falling to levels that now made me anxious, paranoid, and sad - it took ahold of me nonetheless. I couldn't help thinking that it only made an already existing negative feeling or thought come to the surface, that it was showing me just what we had been trying to cover up for the last few months. While I usually knew that not everything was perfect, it was easy to move on from it because I also knew that it was normal and that whatever it was that we had to overcome, we would overcome it. Right now though, in this state of complete misery and despair, still confused by Finn's words and tears, I was too weak to push it aside. Why would she say all these things? That she was a horrible person? She was the sweetest, loveliest, most caring person I knew! If anything she was the opposite of horrible. Why would she think that she did horrible things to me? Was she simply talking about the drugs (which I had willingly taken so there was no reason for her to feel guilty) or was there more to it? What exactly did she mean? Was this about the past again? She hadn't done anything to me! Oh Finn. The fact that she was torturing herself like that broke my heart. Why couldn't I make the feeling last? That wonderful, carefree feeling we had whenever we were able to abandon the rest? I wanted to make her feel like this always. Every second of every minute of every day. Why did I fail at this?

I tightened my embrace on her, burying my face in her shoulder. My eyes felt heavy and so I closed them, ignoring the upsetting images that were still flashing up by concentrating on how she felt in my arms. Not only did I want to comfort her, I wanted to comfort myself. Making her feel safe made me feel safe too. That at least, I could do.

It was dark when I woke up and I could immediately tell that I was alone. I turned on the bedside lamp and sat up to look around.

'Finn?'

No answer. She had most likely gone to get something to eat but I was kind of bummed that she hadn't left me a note to let me know. I checked my phone for a call or message from her but found nothing so I dialed her number just to hear her Game of Thrones ringtone coming from her handbag which I discovered on the floor on her side of the bed. Great. Ugh, Finn.
I got up and got dressed quickly, only grabbing my phone and keycard on my way out. Heading straight to the hotel restaurant, I didn't even care how disheveled I looked, given the fact that pretty much everyone did, thanks to the still ongoing festival antics. I checked every table as well as the bar but Finn was nowhere to be found.

'Excuse me?' I asked the receptionist in the foyer, luckily the same one that had checked us in and had given us directions and recommendations the day before. 'Have you seen my wife by any chance?'

'Yes, I saw her heading out about two hours ago.'

I thanked him and exited the hotel to check the parking lot. Sure enough, I found the truck parked there. So Finn had gone back to the factory to get the car but where was she now? Dammit woman! Why are you doing silly things like that? Don't you know I'd be all worried, especially when I'm still coming down? She had most likely not thought things through and I couldn't even be angry at her, knowing too well how it felt. But where was she? The only place I could think of was the Cowboy Cafe which was a short walk away and we had talked about going back there. yesterday.

As I approached I could already see her through the window and relief washed over me. Thank God!

'Oh hey.' she looked up from her Macbook as I sat down opposite her.

'Oh hey? Is that it? I was looking for you!' I grabbed her hand. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah. Um. Sorry.' she seemed confused but sincere. 'I woke up and just had to get out of the room. And you were still asleep and I didn't want to wake you.'

'You could have left a note. Or taken your phone.' I tried my best not to sound reproachful because I could tell she felt bad.

*

'I wasn't thinking straight. I felt like I was having a panic attack and I just needed to get some air. I'm sorry, Gee.' I meant it, I really felt guilty for just leaving like that.

'Why didn't you come back after you got the car? Why did you just sit in here instead of letting me know where you were?'

Fuck. He was hurt. Once again, I had hurt him. Great.

'I'm sorry! I'm a shitty person and a shitty wife, I know that, okay!?' I blurted out, retracting my hand from his. He sat up straight as though something had hit him between the eyes.

'No Finn! You're not a shitty person or a shitty wife. I didn't say that.'

'I keep messing up our good times!' I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Gerard got up and walked around the table before sitting down next to me and putting his arms around me.

'You're not messing up anything. You're the reason we're having such a good time. And just because we're a hungover mess today and can't get our act together doesn't mean you're shitty. Stop it now. It's all good. Please don't feel bad. I love you.' he said, kissing my forehead.

'I love you.' I replied, hugging him tightly.

'What were you doing here anyway?' he wanted to know and I sighed, looking at the laptop screen.

'I found Suki and Ray.'

I hadn't even intended to look for them. After the emotional conversation Gerard and I'd had in our tent in Arizona when we had decided to search for them online and possibly contact them, I had attempted to type their names into the search engine several times, without bringing myself to actually press enter. When I realized that my brain was too fried to actually do some writing for our journal, I had sent a quick email to Daniel, Josh and Mikey, letting them all know that we were well but extremely hungover and that we would call them as soon as we had recovered. Then, I had opened Google, and had once again typed in Suki's name, clicking 'search' this time. Thanks to her rather unusual name, I had quickly found her on various social networks, including Facebook which told me she lived in DC now. Even an email address was listed and I had already composed a message to her.

'Sadly they're not married. Ray lives in Hawaii. He doesn't have a Facebook but a number is listed which we could try if you want.' I said while Gerard stared at the information on the screen.

'I want to. What did you write to Suki?'

'I haven't sent it yet. I wanted to show you first.' I pulled up the draft.

Suki,
I know it's been almost ten years and I'm sorry it took me so long to get in touch. Honestly, I was worried about how you might feel about me and I didn't want to dwell on the past, for reasons I hope to tell you in person one day. I'm currently traveling the country and would love to meet you once my journey takes me east. If you're up for that, please let me know where and when would be convenient for you. I hope this message finds you well. And I hope you don't hate me. -Finn

'You haven't mentioned me?'

'I wanted it to be a surprise. If she wants to meet, I think it could break the ice.'

He nodded, skimming the email again. 'Send it.'

'You think?' I wanted to be absolutely sure.

'What's the worst that can happen? It's worth a try.'

She could ignore the message. Or write me back a 'No, thanks.'. But she could also be happy to hear from me. The Suki I used to know would probably hesitate at first, then give in and reply. If only to satisfy her curiosity and find out what happened. And once she knew, she would hopefully not have any hard feelings toward me anymore. Maybe we could even be friends again. I didn't dare to get my hopes up but of course I thought about the possibility. How nice it would be to have her in my life again. To share all that with her. To have my best friend back. But people change and things had happened. So much time had passed and I couldn't expect anything.

*

By the time we returned to the hotel, Suki had replied. Finn was freaking out, shoving her phone in my face so I could open and read it for her since she was unable to do it herself.

'Okay, okay, I'll read it for you. Calm down.' I opened the email and immediately burst out laughing when I read the first line.

'What?!?' her eyes widened, obviously shocked at my reaction. I could tell she was ready to slap me so without further ado, I began reading.

'Holy shit, Finn Campbell! I can't believe you're still alive! I never looked you up because I was too scared to find out you died or something. Phew! How are you? How have you been? What's going on? I'm so happy to hear from you! I mean, I'm still a bit sad that you just disappeared on my ass but I'm sure there's an explanation. So whatever, I don't hate you, silly. I live in DC now and I'll make time to meet up whenever you're nearby. Just call me. I can't wait. Love, Suki.'

When I looked up from the phone I noticed that Finn was crying. I moved over to her and pulled her into a hug, kissing her hair.

'See? You always assume the worst and then it turns out just fine. No one could ever hate you for something that wasn't your fault, hun. When are you gonna realize that?'

She let go of me and looked at me, not able to hold back a smile although tears were still running down her cheeks. I knew it was hard for her to accept it. I could literally see the internal struggle whether to believe me or not in her eyes and on her face. But I meant it. That's why this was so important. Meeting up with Suki was the first step in dealing with the past and hopefully putting some of it to rest.

'Maybe once you realize that you're the reason I'm still alive. Because I know that every time I get sad, you think it's because you aren't good enough at making me happy. And that's bullshit.'

Even though she had hit the nail on the head with that, I wasn't happy that she was changing the topic.

'Don't deflect. This is about you.' I pointed out.

'It's not though. I'm not the only one who has to deal with things. Just saying.'

'I never said you were. I know that. I still have Dr Goldstein on speed dial, by the way.'

'It was a rough day. And I'm not deflecting but we're not stable enough to get into this. I had all these really depressing thoughts all day and even though it comes from somewhere and I'm aware of it, it's made about a hundred times worse by the comedown. So I just want to kiss you and cuddle you. Because guess what? You make me really really really happy.' Finn climbed into my lap and snuggled up against me.

'You make me really really really happy too.' I smiled, leaning back on the bed with her in my arms.

I was proud of her for taking the first step by getting in touch with Suki. By being willing to confront this part of her life that she had been trying to avoid for so long. She knew as well as I did that Suki would want to know everything, that she would ask uncomfortable questions and be completely honest with her. It would not be a happy reunion. They would most likely not talk about the fun things they had done together, the good times they had experienced; it would be brutal and it would tear open old wounds once again. The only thing I could hope for was that the outcome would be a positive one. That Finn and Suki could revive their friendship. That she would become a part of our life again. That it would help Finn to not only move forward but to see that not all had been lost when she had left her friend behind involuntarily and that she could build positive memories with someone she thought she had lost forever. That I wasn't the only one who had never given up on her.

Notes

I apologize for this very late update. I'm currently traveling and visiting relatives so I haven't had much time to write at all. I will try my best to update again this weekend but I can't promise since I have a few very busy weeks ahead of me.
I know this chapter was a bit of a 'serious matter', especially compared to the last one and I apologize if it put a damper on things but that's actually what happens to most people after a drug-fueled escapade - it comes crashing down on you the next day. Hard. It's not fun and it can really mess with you in a very bad way. You know the saying 'the higher you climb, the farther you fall' - that's literally what happens. (I'm not proud to admit I know from experience)
ANYWAY good news is, Finn and Gerard are gonna reunite with Suki soon! Which is exciting! Let's hope there will also be a trip to Hawaii to visit Ray! :)

Feedback is welcome as always! Thank you for reading <3