When You & I Were Forever Wild

I knew Gerard was right about everything. Despite us being together again and being happy again, there were times when I couldn't really deal with what had happened. In my mind, it was best to push it as far away as possible but I knew it was wrong to do that. Reacting so emotionally to his suggestion of returning to Belleville to confront some of it was further proof that I was in fact not over it. It made me feel weak. Vulnerable. Guilty. It was okay to be sad about it but I still couldn't help but feel like I had ruined the carefree and joyous mood. But this wasn't how relationships worked. We simply couldn't avoid the bad stuff just because we preferred to have fun and be happy.The notion was immature and ignorant, and it would result in the exact opposite, namely ruin all the happiness eventually.

Of course I wondered about Suki and all the other friends we had both left behind. Were her and Ray still together? Were they even still in Belleville? What were they doing now? I was curious about seeing all the places we used to go to as kids and how everything looked now. I had never been back there, not even to see relatives I was still in contact with, like my grandparents. They had always visited Josh and I when I was in New York. I knew my mother had left, so at least I didn't have to worry about running into her.

'I think we should do it.' I said and he faced me in the dark.

'There's still time. At the pace we're going, we won't be there for another few weeks.' he pointed out.

'We could look up Suki, Ray, Lauren and Mark. See where they live now. My dad mentioned running into Ray a couple of months ago. He told him about your comics.'

'I was actually hoping he would come to the signing. Then again, why should he have?'

'It's difficult. I don't know if they knew exactly about what happened but they must know something really bad went down. I just hope that they understand that we couldn't stay in touch with them. Or that at least they don't hate us.'

'Well you thought I hated you. And that wasn't the case at all.' he pointed out, kissing my forehead as if to let me know that he was really telling the truth.

'I know...but that's different.'

'I'm sure once we explain what happened, they'll understand.'

Tell them what happened? It was difficult enough to open up to Gerard, not for the same reasons but still. I couldn't even imagine sitting down with my former best friends and letting them in on the secret I had kept for so long.

'What if I don't want to explain it? What if...what if I'm ashamed.' I said.

'Ashamed? Finn, of what? You don't have to be ashamed of anything.'

Once again, I had the urge to tell him that he couldn't possibly understand but I bit my tongue, knowing he meant well, knowing he only wanted to comfort me, and that my words would make him feel guilty, again. It would make him feel as though we weren't in this together. Yes, I was used to being alone with my pain but I had to finally realize that I wasn't. That I never had been to begin with.
Sometimes everything just overwhelmed me. Not just the past but also the present. I had become too familiar with the certainty of never seeing him again, of living my life without him, of never being happy. In these moments, I felt confused and doubtful. I felt like what we had now was destined to be taken away eventually.

Gerard pulled me into a hug and I wrapped my arms around him tightly, pressing my cheek against his. He wouldn't leave me. I knew that. And I wouldn't leave him either. Never. We were married! We had taken a sacred vow. It was more than just a promise we had given each other as teenagers. If anyone would try to get in between us I would-

'I'd kill anyone who'd try to take you from me.' I whispered and we both knew how serious I was.

*

Carol and Henry woke us early the next morning and after taking a quick shower and packing our rucksacks for the day, we left the campground and met up with the instructors and guides for our river trip. Over breakfast, they gave us instructions and went over the itinerary with us, also showing us pictures and a short video. It didn't look dangerous at all, in fact, it looked almost a bit too smooth. Despite our conversation last night and the sleepless hours that had followed, Finn was in a great mood which considerably helped improve mine. I was still trying to make sense of it all, contemplating what it all meant for our relationship and what I could do to make it at least a little bit easier for her. Finn was the strongest person I knew, she always had been, even before we had been separated. Her strength came from her ability to admit her weaknesses, her vulnerability, and I admired her for that, even though it upset me more than anything to know that she had been hurt and alone, scared and hopeless, not too long ago. Although she had assured me that it wasn't how she always felt but only when a nightmare or a bad memory had shaken her up, I had the frantic urge to erase every bit of sadness in her.

'Babe, are you listening?' she interrupted my thoughts and I nodded.

'Are we ready to go?' Korey, one of the guides asked, handing us our lifejackets.

I took Finn's hand as we headed down the path to the river and she bumped into me a few times, almost as though she did it on purpose just have an excuse to touch me. It made me smile and she smiled back at me in that carelessly happy kind of way that I loved so much. Maybe I couldn't erase the sadness completely but at least I made her forget about it for a while. That was better than nothing.

When we got to Glen Canyon Dam, I was still excited even though now, surrounded by all these people who would be taking the trip with us, I wished that Finn and I had stayed in the comfort and privacy of our tent. Group activities weren't romantic at all. Fun, yes.

'Oh come on. I know the second we get on this raft, you're gonna geek out.' Finn nudged me and I sighed, not wanting to admit that she was right.

'Whatever. Yeah. I'm wearing shorts, that's how excited I am about this.' I rolled my eyes as melodramatically as I could, just to wind her up but she wouldn't have it.

'Whatever. You look good in shorts and you know it. Shut up.'

'I'm edgy, okay.' I whined as I put on my life vest.

'Awww 'cause you didn't get any last night? Poor baby.' she pouted and shoved me again playfully, making me almost bump into someone behind me.

'Ugh, sorry.' I apologized while narrowing my eyes at Finn.

'Oh don't worry, darling. You can bump into me anytime.' a female voice said and from the way Finn was already raising one eyebrow, I could tell she wasn't very amused.

I turned around and a blond girl around our age was giving me a flirty smirk while completely ignoring Finn. What was happening now? Couldn't she see that we were obviously together? Rude.

'Umm...' I started, not really sure what to say. On one hand, I wanted to make it clear I wasn't interested in the slightest, on the other, I didn't want to cause any drama. Maybe she was just joking around.

'I've given up hope of seeing any hot guys today.' she eyed me up and down, licking her lips. Oh. Nope, she was definitely not joking around. 'Guess I got lucky.'

'Excuse me?????' Finn stepped forward and the girl finally acknowledged her presence, although she didn't seem to care much about it since she continued to look at me like a dog at a bone.

*

This wasn't about jealousy. I wasn't the jealous type, I never had been. Especially not with Gerard. I didn't feel threatened by this girl. For me to feel threatened was impossible because it would require mistrusting Gerard which wasn't the case. Either way, it also wasn't about trust, simply because trust was only the 'belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone'. I didn't have the belief, I had the knowledge. There was no need to look at him to check for any signs that he could have been interested or attracted to her. I knew he wasn't. It was the fact that she had the audacity to hit on him even though I was standing right there! That's what made me so angry.

'Alright, let's go. Everyone get on the raft.' Korey shouted, interrupting the tense moment.

Gerard grabbed my hand again, to make sure that I didn't get the chance to push that bitch into the river while at the same time letting her know that he was taken.

'This hot guy is mine though so you better continue looking.' I snubbed her as we walked past and Gerard giggled.

'Wow. Turns me on when you get all territorial.' he whispered and I elbowed him in the ribs, making him jump.

We took our spots on the raft next to Carol and Henry and luckily far away from Blondie, who was now giving me the evils. What? I was the bitch? For not letting her flirt with my man? Interesting. As she angrily pursed her lips, still holding her glare, I held up my left hand, flashing my rings at her with a smug smile on my face.

'What are you doing?' Gerard asked and I quickly dropped my arm again, wrapping it around his shoulder.

'Nothing.' I lied but he had me figured out.

'You would do me right here if you could just to show her who's boss, am I right?' he said, his voice low.

'You are totally right. Also because I didn't get any last night and you look so sexy in these shorts.' I smiled, resting my hand on his thigh.

It was completely childish that I hoped she was still watching us. The whole thing was childish but I liked it because it made me feel triumphant. That girl might have been prettier than me. She definitely had bigger boobs. Longer legs. An immaculate, although fake, tan. Perfect blowjob lips. She was probably more confident, and aware of the fact that most men wanted to fuck her. Calling her a slut would have been stupid, since there was nothing wrong with enjoying the effect she had on horny guys looking only for sex, and neither was there anything wrong with taking advantage of it for her own gratification and satisfaction. I did however have a problem with her flirting with my husband and I was glad that I could teach her a lesson; not all men were fair game. And she couldn't just disrespect other women because she was hungry for a guy's cock. Gerard was the most important person in my life, yes, but I still believed in the sacred rules of girl code.

I liked the fact that Gerard was teasing me instead of basking in the glow of all this female attention. He couldn't have cared less about it, the only thing he cared about was that I was getting off on defending my territory successfully. And I knew he would have done the same. Whether we wanted to admit it or not, all human beings enjoyed the feeling of having something others wanted but couldn't get. It was natural. Silly, but natural. So it was okay that she was prettier than me, that she had bigger boobs, longer legs, an immaculate tan and perfect blowjob lips. It was okay because even though she thought she could have any guy, she couldn't have mine.

*

As much as we wanted to continue our little game, the raft set off down the river a few minutes later and Korey started regaling us with his knowledge of Glen Canyon and the Colorado River. Soon, Finn was taking pictures left and right, getting excited about how the water was reflecting the sun and whatnot. It was amazing to watch her and she pointed out things to me that I would have otherwise missed completely. She just had an eye for things. She enjoyed the small details, in fact, that's what she was most excited about. It showed in everything she did. Especially in her photos. And extraordinarily, she was completely unaware of how talented she really was and that made her even more talented. Funny, since she had described me and my art in a similar way before, as though she had nothing to show for and I was the real artist while she was an amateur. I wished she could just see herself through my eyes for one day. To see what I saw. I was her biggest fan. There was no one else like her.

We stopped at Petroglyph Beach to eat lunch and stretch our legs. After Finn was done photographing the petroglyph panel, we decided to cool off in the water. The initial idea was to only get our feet wet but of course, we ended up soaked when Finn decided to jump on my back without a warning and we fell over. Carol and Henry were still in stitches when we boarded the raft to continue our journey and the only dry things were our rucksacks and shoes.

'Are you sure you haven't smoked any of Phil's pot?' Carol whispered, making us laugh even more.

Phil had briefly joined us at the campfire last night and after rambling on about some government conspiracy theories, had offered us some green which we had declined with thanks.

'Absolutely! I would have drowned if I was high.' Finn said, tying back her wet hair.

'She gets crazy enough when she's drunk.' I pointed out and her eyes widened.

'I didn't trash the hotel room all by myself, mister!'

'Whatever, you started it.'

'I did NOT. Well, actually I can't remember.' she admitted and put her hand over my mouth when I wanted to continue arguing.

'It's totally okay to be silly when you're young. Or as long as you want, really. There are just two rules: don't get yourself arrested or killed.' yup, Henry was right.

'We're gonna try our best.' Finn smiled, picking up her camera again.

We had reached the famous Horseshoe Bend, a meander of the river, it was just breathtaking and I couldn't wait to take the hike to overlook it tomorrow. Although we were eager to continue our road trip, there was just too much to see here so we had planned another day for various hikes. Was I turning into nature boy? The last time my skin had seen that much sunlight was literally ten years ago. Could this really be? Shocking.

But then I remembered that I was on a smooth water raft trip, just a few miles from our luxurious campground with dual-flush toilets, warm showers, power sockets, and our tent with the air mattress and mosquito net. That I had just had a prepared and packed sandwich, as well as ice-cold lemonade and that I still had 3G on my iPhone. Nope. Not quite nature boy. More like a wannabe nature boy hipster.

Finn fell asleep on the bus ride back to the Welcome Center, resting her sunburned head on my shoulder and drooling on my shirt while I took the opportunity to go through the pictures she had taken. As expected, they were beautiful. The only thing that I didn't approve of was the fact that there weren't enough of her. Plenty of me, some of Carol and Henry, some of Korey and the group (although she had obviously avoided Blondie) but only two of her. I had to change that and so I made a mental note to make sure to distract her more so I could take more snaps of her. At least until we hit the next town where I could buy my own camera. That way, I didn't always have to fight her for it.

Having been woken up from her nap, she was grumpy as we exited the bus, so when I saw Blondie approaching us, I was ready to turn around and pull Finn in the other direction. Surprisingly, she didn't move but just stared her down instead.

'Hey, I just wanted to apologize, okay? What I did wasn't cool. And I know it's not an excuse but my boyfriend just dumped me and yeah. I sound like an idiot, sorry.' she started and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Why would she embarrass herself even more?

'It's cool.' Finn said, surprising me yet again. 'Chicks before dicks, right?' she held out her fist and the girl bumped it with hers.

What now?

*

'Chicks before dicks, are you actually for real? You wanted to tear her apart just a few hours ago.' Gerard shook his head as we walked to our tent.

'She apologized! Whatever. People do dumb things when they're sad.' I said. Yes, I had obviously accepted her apology in order to feel better about myself for being the bigger person. Selfish, but okay. I would never see this girl again, who cares?

'This is MY dick we're talking about though.'

'Nobody was talking about your actual dick, bro. Chill.' I laughed.

'Bro? That's cute. You trying to act all hardcore now after marking your territory all day.'

'Yeah, so? Don't pretend you didn't like it.'

'I'm not!'

'Ughhhh.' I groaned, taking off my rucksack. 'Did you want me to go all Real Housewives on her ass and rip her extensions out?'

'Would have been kinda hot.' he admitted.

'I rather give you bruises again.' I threatened, not sure if I was serious or joking.

He whistled and wriggled his brows, ruining my pokerface by making me laugh again. 'I'm in!'

'Yeah, I need a shower first. Then dry clothes. And food. That BBQ smells way too nice already. Also, Carol is making flatbread. And I LOVE flatbread.'

'So it's flatbread before dicks now?' he whined and pouted, and I imitated him to make fun of him.

'Okay, I guess...we could shower together.' I flicked his bottom lip with my finger and before I knew it, he had grabbed toiletries, towels and fresh clothes and we were headed to the showers.

Sneaking in was easy, since we were the first ones in there. But then, just as we...started to get a little raunchy, we could hear someone else coming in and entering the shower stall right next to us. Waiting for them to leave again wasn't an option since a) another person followed just a few moments later and b) we couldn't stop. So the only thing we could do was finish as quickly and as quietly as possible which was easy for him but not for me. The quiet part that was. On top of that, we had to keep pushing the water button to actually keep the water running. For some reason, instead of hurrying up, Gerard thought it was a good idea to also push all of my buttons, knowing that holding back was making me even more desperate for a release. He gave me that evil, sexy smirk and I knew he was getting some sick satisfaction out of slowly torturing me like that. When he finally let me go, I came so hard he had to put his hand over my mouth in order to silence my moans. And it was the hottest thing ever. Along with all the other hot things we had done.

I could hardly walk as we headed back but thankfully it had gotten dark, so no one could see us. After drying my hair in the towel the best I could, we joined Carol, Henry, and a few others at the fire, where the BBQ was almost ready.

'That was a nice shower, hmm?' Carol said as I sat down next to her, helping her with the flatbread dough. Oh shit. Had she been next to us? Had she heard us? What did she mean, 'nice shower'?

'Yeaaah.' I just said, hoping she didn't see me blush. I looked over at Gerard who was assisting Henry with the meat.

'So, where you headed next?' she wanted to know and I felt relieved that she wasn't further commenting on the shower.

'We're gonna take Route 66 'til we reach New Mexico. Got a few stops planned so not sure if we're gonna make it in a day. And then Roswell, and whatever's on the way. I'm so excited about Roswell! Gerard and I have been reading every single creepy alien story we could find online. And believe me, there are a lot.'

'Our friends have started calling us Mulder and Scully.' Gerard appeared, throwing another log into the fire in front of us.

'It gave us such great role-playing ideas.' I added, making Carol giggle.

'You two. I swear. I've developed abs from laughing. You're adorable. I wish Henry and I could continue your journey with you. But we all know you'd rather have your privacy.' she winked and I nodded, looking over at Gerard.

Yes. A little company was nice, especially with people like Carol and Henry but this was our honeymoon after all.

Notes

Who wears short shorts? Gerard wears short shorts!
(thank God there are pictures otherwise we would have to imagine how that looks like)

Seriously though, I've been soooo busy this week and never thought I would finish this chapter before sunday. But here it is. And I hope you like it :)