When You & I Were Forever Wild

Carol and Henry left the next morning and we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses to keep in touch. They lived in San Diego which was only a two and a half hour drive from LA, so we would definitely meet again soon. I actually didn't have that many friends apart from Daniel, and he was also the only mutual friend Gerard and I had so far. There were a few people from Dark Horse he had introduced me too and naturally, I had also introduced him to some of my coworkers but none of them except for Daniel were more than acquaintances. Even though I had always been known as outgoing and bubbly at the office or at work related events, the minute I'd left, I had become a hermit who didn't talk to anyone. It had taken Daniel months before I had opened up to him about Gerard that one night before going to New York. I now of course also had Gerard's family back in my life and he got along great with Josh, Ashley and Max, but they all lived on the East Coast. Not to mention that even if we'd wanted to, since Gerard had come to LA, we'd been too busy with each other to socialize. As lovely as that was, I was glad that we now had found two new friends who were - even though they were 20 years older than us, fun to hang out with and most importantly, able to tolerate us when we got really silly. It was sad to say goodbye but at least we would see them again for sure.

Our day was adventure-filled and we almost forgot to stop to take breaks every now and then. After our hike to Horseshoe Bend, we spent hours exploring Antelope Canyon. I actually took so many photos that I started feeling bad for neglecting Gerard, who pretty much had to entertain himself while I was running around with my camera, so focused on capturing the awe-inspiring beauty of the canyon. Eventually I put the camera back into my backpack and caught up with him again.

'Sorry babe. I got carried away.' I said, grabbing his hand and lacing my fingers through his.

'Don't worry about it.' he smiled, kissing my cheek. 'I love watching you actually.'

'Yeah? You don't think I'm spending too much time taking photos and not enough with you?' I asked, actually worried about it suddenly.

This was still our honeymoon. Yes, I was covering the trip for the magazine but I didn't want it to become an 'assignment'.

'As long as you don't call me Nikon in bed, I'm not too concerned.' he laughed. What a dork.

'No? So you're not intimidated by that biiiiig lens?' I teased, raising my brows.

'Oh please! Should I be?'

I bit my lips, pretending to think about it for a moment before he gave me a gentle nudge and I blushed, deciding to keep my explicit thoughts to myself this time. It didn't really matter, I was sure he could read my mind anyway.

'Seriously though, I think this is your calling. I mean, I know you love interior photography and design and making things look perfect down to the very last detail and you're amazing at what you do but...if I'm honest, I've never seen you get this excited while shooting a celebrity in their multi-million dollar home.'

'You've only been on two shoots with me.' I argued, taking a sip of water as he handled me the bottle.

'Are you saying I'm wrong?'

'No.' I had to admit, he was absolutely right.

My job was exciting and I met many interesting people but I knew it wasn't 'my world'. There was no substance to photographing luxury, ridiculous, unnecessary luxury; just to then print it in a magazine for other people to look at and wish they could live a life like this when really, there wasn't even the tiniest chance they ever would. It was superficial and pretty meaningless. I wasn't representing my interests or what was important to me, in fact, I wasn't representing anything. For someone who had always wanted to express themselves through photography, I had sold out. Knowingly, yes but still somewhat under the impression that it was what I was meant to do.

There had been a lack of inspiration and motivation in my life. While I had never given up on photography, I had stopped using it to express myself, simply because what had been inside of me had been too scary. Simply because at the bottom of the dark hole I had been in, absolutely nothing could have helped me turn my misery into something even remotely beautiful or meaningful. I've heard artists say that their most important works come from a very 'dark place' and I always thought that was a lot of pretentious bullshit. When you're in a dark place and you can still create, it's not actually as dark as you think it is. But when you're just doing what you need to do in order to somehow make it through the day, inspiration and motivation to create are non-existent. If you're lucky, you get them back. And then you create again, then you might be able to turn it into something meaningful. But in the dark, there had been just darkness, and nothing else. Before Gerard had brought me back my light.

*

'Finn?' I could tell her mind was absent and I didn't like the way she frowned, staring down at her feet. She was slipping away again and I had to stop her.

'Hmm?' finally she looked up, and realizing I was worried, forced herself to smile. 'You're right. Working for the magazine is fun. It was a dream come true when I got the job. The people there are awesome. But I knew I wanted to eventually move to a more creative department.'

'You could do this.'

'What do you mean?' Finn asked. She knew what I meant but maybe she was scared of it.

'You're gonna get a lot of offers once they start publishing this. And I wouldn't be surprised if one of the offers came from you know who.'

She stopped abruptly and stared at me in shock and disbelief. 'National Geographic? Gerard? Don't make fun of me!'

I felt slightly offended before I realized that she didn't really think I was making fun of her, she simply didn't think she was good enough. National Geographic was a photographer's dream and although it completely different from what she had done at the magazine so far, I knew it was also her dream. She had never even mentioned it, that's how special it was to her. A few years ago, before pitching my comic to Scott, I had felt the same way, so I understood. Sometimes, when you want something so badly, you don't dare to really consider the possibility of it happening one day; so you keep it a secret, you keep it hidden, in fear of getting your hopes up too much. Eventually, I had taken the risk though, the fear of regret stronger than the fear of failure.

'I'm serious and you know it.'

'Well, then I think you're a bit delusional. The photography they use is spectacular. Only the best of the best.'

'I know. I read through all your issues at home. And I looked at the photos. And I look at your photos. And whether you believe it or not, your photos are just as spectacular.'

'Taking a few snapshots while traveling the country with my husband does not make me a National Geographic photographer, Gerard.'

I sighed in frustration, knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to convince her that she was taking more than just 'a few snapshots' and that she had to start taking herself and her skills more seriously. Easier said than done. I knew that.

'Okay. Don't believe me. Argue with them when they offer you a job. Because they WILL offer you a job.' I said and she snorted, doing her best 'whatever' face.

I remembered the first time she looked at my art. Which could hardly be called 'art' in retrospect but I had made an effort for her, hoping that I would somehow be able to compensate for actual photos. I remembered the look on her face when she opened the notebook to reveal my first sketch, a woman ice-skating at the Rockefeller Center. She had reached out to touch the page, carefully tracing the strokes of my pencil with her fingertips and that had been the exact moment I fell in love with her. Honestly, I had no idea whether she thought I was talented, it also didn't matter to me. I didn't want her to notice my skills, I didn't even want her to notice me. All I wanted that day was to make her smile, to cheer her up because she had been so sad all day, due to the fact that she had forgotten her camera. Then that smile had appeared on her face and it was the most beautiful smile in the world. Because I had made her happy, and the smile was for me. When she jumped up, threw her arms around me and pressed her lips against mine, it was obvious that it was so much more than that. I had given her something really special, something I had always been very insecure and private about. It was the first time I had ever given a piece of me to someone else. And ever since that day, she had kept it safe.

To Finn, thanks for being my superhero.

What it meant was, not only did I believe in her but her belief in me had kept me going. Even in the darkest hours, even when I questioned everything; myself, us, the whole world - I thought of that moment and it was the only thing I didn't question. It had kept me alive.

'We would have to travel a lot.' she said, finally acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, I could be right.

'Good thing you're my favorite travel companion.'

*

We returned to the campsite at around 5pm and decided to spend the rest of the evening working on our travel journal. There was a small cafe nearby where we sat in a booth, sampling pancakes while Gerard was typing away and I was editing photos. And the photos were amazing. I couldn't help but feel a bit proud of myself, even though I wasn't sure whether I had simply been lucky with some of the shots or if I actually did have talent. Naturally, I still didn't think it was National Geographic-worthy but I knew one thing: the pictures made me smile. I'd had such a fun day, I'd had so much fun with Gerard, I'd had enjoyed climbing up rocks and getting dirty while looking for the perfect angle, light, and subject. The pictures triggered emotions, beautiful memories that I shared with him. Which wasn't exactly what I could say of the pictures I've taken of Jennifer Aniston's coffee table. Even if I didn't become NatGeo's next photographer of the year, I knew that this type of photography was much more 'me' and what I wanted to pursue in the future. Gerard was also right about how the travel journal would open a lot of new doors for me and while I hadn't even considered leaving the magazine before, it was now a very anticipated option.

He believed in me. And I believed in him, so that was a good enough reason to start believing in myself a little bit more. Now that my life was changing, for the better, and I also had someone to share it with, I had to take advantage of every opportunity. This was a huge one.

Our first week on the road was almost over and once we had sent our update, we made a few phone calls to our families and friends at home. We got to facetime with Josh, Ashley and Max which was fun and they were eager to hear all about our adventures. I showed Max all the pictures I had taken of various animals and as expected, the bobcat was everyone's favorite.

'UNO...' I grinned and Gerard looked at me with a panicked expression.

'Don't you dare.' he warned, picking up yet another card.

'UNO UNO!' I yelled, slamming down my last card.

'You little shit!' he cursed and I started laughing hysterically.

We were back at the campground, sitting at a table near the fire and I had just beaten him at UNO for the fifth time in a row. I would have lied if I said that I didn't like to rub his nose in it and I enjoyed it even more when I saw how much it annoyed him. Yet he challenged me again and again.

'That's not a very nice thing to say to your wife.' I teased, watching as he lit a cigarette before blowing the smoke in my face.

'I'll make it up to you later. If you let me win that is.'

'How about I keep on winning and then make you my slave.' I giggled, stealing the cig from his mouth to take a drag.

'Is that supposed to be a punishment because you know I see it as a reward.'

'It can be whatever you want it to be, baby.' I gave him a seductive look.

'Ugh, now I know why you're always winning! You're putting very naughty thoughts in my head and I can't concentrate on the game.' he complained, shuffling the cards again.

'I don't have to put these thoughts in your head. They're already there.'

'True.'

He smiled knowingly and dealt the cards for another game which of course, I won again. Gerard admitted defeat after that and I couldn't get him to play even one more time so we went to bed, where he received his punishment/reward.

Despite the amazing day and fun evening we'd had, sleep wouldn't come although I was exhausted. While Gerard was fast asleep next to me in his sleeping bag, I was staring up at the ceiling of the tent. For some reason, the conversation about my possible future career in photography was replaying in my head, over and over again. It wasn't so much that I still had doubts, I had them, naturally, but it was easy - if I got an offer, I would definitely consider it and if not, there would be nothing to consider. I would stay at the magazine, maybe apply for a position in the travel department. They would give me the job for sure since they had already expressed interest in having me work for them when we had discussed the details of the trip.
No, I wasn't too worried about it. Mostly because I wasn't unhappy at my current job and I could always pursue different types of photography in my free time or take on different assignments. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I felt so indifferent now when I had felt so excited earlier. The idea of traveling all over the world with Gerard, capturing the beauty and wonder of every new place, going on adventures, being independent - all of that sounded perfect! What could I want more?

I turned onto my side to look at Gerard who was mumbling something in his sleep while his arm tightened around me. He was beautiful. Inside and out. He loved me unconditionally and that was something I still couldn't understand. I wasn't a poet, so I didn't have the words for it. I just knew that I loved him too. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever. And there was something else. Something that was almost too scary to think about and most likely the reason for all this confusion.

I wanted to start a family with him. I wanted to have children, his children. I wanted what we'd almost had, back then, before it was taken from us. A baby. I wanted to have it in my belly and watch my belly grow and share every moment with Gerard while we waited to meet a little boy or girl that had his hazel eyes and his dark curls and his cute nose. I wanted him to hold my hand and ease the pain and cry with me when we heard that first scream. I wanted that little bundle of joy and call it 'ours'. I wanted Gerard to be the overprotective, loving, amazing dad I knew he would be.

Most of all, I wanted to be able to think about the possibility of this becoming reality without crying. Without shaking. Without being so fucking scared.

*

Taking the historic Route 66, we crossed the state line to New Mexico the next day. Driving the 'Mother Road', the longest remaining stretch of Route 66 felt like stepping back in time, and we were lured off the road a couple of times to stop whenever we spotted another eye-catching sight glistening in the hot desert sun. We spent a good hour at the trading post, where I insisted of taking about a hundred photos of Finn sitting on the famous Jack Rabbit. She had been relatively quiet all day and kept falling asleep during the drive, so I assumed she was just tired and did everything I could to make her comfortable and cheer her up. It was already past 6pm when we stopped at a gas station and I pulled up the map on my iPad in order to find a good place to make camp for the night, and after considering a few campsites, I found the Wild Spirit Wolf Sanctuary. Bingo! For as long as I could remember, petting a real wolf had been on Finn's wish list.

'They have cabins! We could sleep among the wolves! Gerard! We have to do it! You know how much I love wolves. We can stay the night and then spend the day there tomorrow too. We can feed the wolves and pet them and oh!' Finn was full on fangirling as I showed her the pictures and we read through the information on their website together.

'Let's do it.' I giggled and she squealed and clapped her hands like a little girl ready to go to Disneyland. I felt proud that I had successfully lifted her spirits and her sleepiness seemed completely gone.

Finn and I were greeted by the howling of wolves an hour later as we got out of the car and I had goosebumps immediately. Holy shit we were surrounded by wolves! I was actually just as excited as Finn and so happy that we had found this place but also intimidated by being in the presence of these animals, especially because it was dark already so we could hear but not see them.

We were shown to our cabin and given the schedule for tomorrow. Of course we wanted to see as much as possible and make the most of the experience. Finn subtly mentioned that we were on our honeymoon and that we were covering the trip for a magazine so naturally, we immediately got offered a private tour as well as special access to photograph all the animals.

'Oh this is so amazing. You're gonna have to drag me away from this place. I can't wait to meet the animals.' Finn sighed as she leaned back on the enormous king bed, and a wolf howled outside as though it could hear her.

'I love this.' I mumbled, joining her.

'Yeah? I'll make you howl too if you want.' she smiled, climbing on top of me without hesitation.

'Owooooooooooo.' I imitated the sound, throwing my head back.

'Sexy.' Finn giggled, her hands slipping under my shirt, tickling my skin lightly.

'You are.' I grabbed her by the waist and turned us around so I was on top of her, the smile on her face already making my knees go weak.

It wasn't very often that she let me take control, not without a fight anyway. But right now, she gladly gave it to me, even though she was in a playful mood while I was feeling all loved up and smoochy. I kissed her, covering her body with mine and she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me against her even more.

'Thanks for bringing me here.' she whispered against my lips.

'Anything to make you feel better.'

She gave me a weak but loving smile, and then her lips were on mine again. It wasn't the usual 'I'm crazy about you and I want you so much' kiss that would always and without a doubt lead to more, it was the equally enthralling 'I love you so much it hurts and I can't live without you and you're the best thing in the world' kiss. Slow, tender, intense. It reminded me of our wedding kiss. The kind of kiss that instantly made you forget about everything else while bringing only one thing into focus. And that was her.

'You're making me feel better just by existing.' Finn nudged my nose with hers, letting out a happy sigh that was music to my ears.

I kissed every inch of her skin as I undressed her, trying to make her feel just how much I loved her. For once she didn't stop me, for once she wasn't getting impatient, and I enjoyed how she let me use her body as a canvas to paint with my lips. So I took my sweet time, tasting her, listening to the cute little sounds she was making, as my mouth wandered, followed by my hands, all over her body, until I dipped between her legs, making her quiver. She tried to escape the intensity of my touch but my arms wrapped around her hips, holding her as still as possible while I continued to savor her. Soon, she surrendered, her fingers lost in my hair, tugging gently every time my tongue found her clit. I smiled at the way her breath hitched, repeating what I knew she enjoyed the most.

'You taste so good.' I told her, our eyes meeting, and rolled my tongue against her, so enchanted by that look on her face as I did.

I gripped her thighs tighter as her back arched, and I opened my mouth a little more to taste more of her, just as lost in the moment as she was.

'Gerard...' she sounded desperate in the best way possible as I pushed my tongue into her. I couldn't imagine anything sweeter than her. Nothing more delicate.

She pulled me close when she melted in my mouth, and I truly felt like I was her everything.

Notes

I apologize if this chapter was a bit boring but I really wanted to show just how conflicted Finn is, still. And that despite the fun and sexy times, there are still underlying issues that they have to resolve. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this road trip is not 'just' a honeymoon but a real emotional journey for Finn and Gerard, and I'm trying to put more focus on that. I'm aware that it doesn't make it an 'entertaining' read to some of you, but hey, that part of the story is important! They still have all that growing up to do and there will be ups and downs and it will really change their relationship.

And if you really were bored, I hope the little bit of sexy time at the end made up for it ;) hehe

Anyway, as always, share your thoughts :) Thanks for reading!