When You & I Were Forever Wild

I could already feel the throbbing pain in my head before I even opened my eyes. And as I slowly became aware of the state the rest of my body was in, the discomfort only intensified. It seemed as though every muscle in my body was aching while my tongue felt like sandpaper. Ew. When I finally forced my eyes open, I found myself sprawled out on a huge hotel bed, my head hanging off the edge, finding pillows, clothes, empty bottles, candy wrappers, a slice of pizza and a half-eaten burger on the floor in front of me. My stomach protested as I took in the smell of cold, greasy food, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex. If I could have moved, I would have grabbed the delicious-looking bottle of water from the minibar but a heavily snoring Gerard was on top of me, making it impossible to do anything. What the fuck happened last night?

I remembered the club and the fun times in the toilet, I remembered the cab ride back to the hotel and stopping on the way to pick up liquor which we already started consuming in the car. I remembered Gerard taking off my panties in the elevator up to our room and putting them on some random doorknob. I definitely remembered screwing him. Possibly more than once. And then drinking some more. But after that? This suite looked like a fucking rock band had demolished it!

'Ughhh.' he groaned as I pushed him off me so I could get something to drink.

As I offered him the bottle of water, which he eagerly accepted I noticed a bruise on his cheek. Oh no!

'What the hell? What happened?' I touched his face and his eyes fluttered open, only for him to cover them again.

'Huh?'

'Did somebody hit you? Did you get into a fight?'

'What do you mean? That was you.'

I swallowed hard. What? 'ME? What? Why would I do that? Did we fight?'

'No, we fucked. And you slapped me.' he opened his eyes again and immediately giggled at my shocked expression.

Oh. OH. WOW. 'I'm sorry.' I apologized. Holy mother of God.

'Nah, it was hot. Really hot actually.' he bit his lip and propped himself up on his elbows.

Okay so apparently it had gotten a little rough last night. I didn't know whether I actually wanted to remember it in more detail or not but I could tell he was glad he did. I stared at him for a while and a cheeky grin appeared on his face and I felt myself blushing.

'So you liked it huh?' I asked, cozying up to him again.

'Mmhhmm.' Gerard nodded.

'You're a kinky boy.' I teased and he giggled.

'Who's talking?' he replied and if I hadn't felt that tired and crappy I would have jumped him again.

'Okay, fair enough. Guess we're both kinky. But how the fuck did this happen?' I looked around the room, grateful to discover that at least nothing was broken and we hadn't thrown the TV out of the window.

'Well...I'm not so sure. We got back from the club and well...continued where we left off. Then we finished the vodka and then you got hungry. I ordered you pizza and then you started crying because you wanted a burger. So I ordered you a burger. But you ate the pizza too so you didn't want the burger anymore. You told me to eat it but I didn't want it so you started crying again so of course I then tried to eat it so you would stop crying. But then you started crying AGAIN because you actually wanted the burger yourself. So I gave it to you but you wouldn't take it. I remember trying to cheer you up by starting a pillow fight and I guess that's when things started getting kinda crazy.'

It slowly started to come back to me, bit by bit, and the memories made my head pound even more.

'Shit. That makes me sound like a real nutcase.' I muttered, letting myself fall back onto the bed.

'Nah. You were just drunk. Very drunk. And very...passionate.'

'I slapped you!'

'It wasn't that hard.'

'You have a bruise!'

'I bruise easily. Plus I already told you, it was hot. You can slap me any time you want.' he laughed, turning around and sticking his butt in the air and I gave it playful smack.

'What happens in Vegas...' he smiled, settling down next to me.

'I don't feel like this is gonna stay in Vegas though.'

'Hmm...I kinda hope it doesn't.'

He kissed my cheek and put his arm around me, and within minutes, we were asleep again.

*

It was already getting dark outside when we finally woke from our hangover coma. My head still felt heavy but I was starving which was a good sign. After cleaning up the room to the best of our abilities, we showered, then settled in bed again in our fresh PJs which felt heavenly. I ordered room service and gave them a generous tip to make up for last night's antics even though I couldn't even remember whether it had been the same guy or not. We had ordered almost everything that included the words 'fried', 'cheese' and 'chocolate' from the menu and were snuggled up in bed eating, making an absolute mess yet again while watching Family Guy. My hangover was far from gone but I was so comfortable and content that it didn't bother me anymore. Finn was oddly quiet though affectionate as always so I wasn't worried. She was probably just exhausted.

Last night had been insane and it was actually a miracle that neither of us had gotten hurt, given the fact that our harmless pillow fight had turned into a fight for survival. At least in our minds. We only had a few bruises and felt achey but that was it. It had been so much fun though and I hadn't seen Finn this crazy in...actually I had never seen her that crazy. Things had gotten a little bit out of control, in the best way possible but she was the one to lose control with and not care about the consequences. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to hide. All of me was exposed when I was with her and it didn't scare me. As surprising, even shocking, as it was sometimes, eventually it just felt like the most normal thing in the world.

We were up at 7.30am the next morning, well-rested, fully recovered and ready to continue our road trip. The first destination, the Hoover Dam, was only a 45 minute drive away, and then the route would take us to the next state, Arizona. I was excited about getting the first glimpse of the Grand Canyon and after enjoying the luxury of hotel rooms for three nights, we were also ready to sleep in our tent for the first time. Our equipment was as good as it could get, we even had an air mattress. The only questions was, would we still be motivated enough to set up camp after a long drive with various places to explore in between?

Our very first stop in Arizona was the Sunset Crater National Monument, featuring the Sunset Crater Volcano which erupted about 900 years ago, changing the shape of the surrounding landscape completely. We took the Lava Flow Trail and spent an hour walking and taking pictures while discussing what would happen in the very unlikely event of an eruption happening right now. It was beautiful and I wished I could see the crater from the air.

Next up was Wupatki National Monument, where Finn almost peed her pants with excitement after spotting and photographing a bobcat. Admittedly, I got a bit jealous but I acted as though the several lizards I had encountered were equally special, even though they obviously weren't. Beautiful, yes. Cute, yes. But bobcat won.

And then, finally, after another 1 1/2 hours drive, we arrived at Desert View, where we caught our first look at the Grand Canyon. This, as well as seeing the Rockys, was the part of our road trip that I had been looking forward to the most. I had only seen the Grand Canyon from the plane while flying over it but while that had been breathtaking, it was nothing in comparison to this. If Finn and I had been more outdoorsy, we definitely would have taken a hike through the Grand Canyon but we had both decided that we would rather stay alive. Still, when she grabbed my hand as we overlooked the canyon, I could tell that she felt the same urge to one day come back and do it. Maybe once we were better prepared.

'Too many rattlesnakes, baby.' she said with her eyebrows raised and I nodded.

*

Our timing was perfect and we arrived at Grand Canyon Village to catch the shuttle to Mather Point, from where we could watch the sunset. It was stunning and I took so many pictures that my arm started to hurt and my eye became twitchy from looking through the viewfinder while pressing the other one shut. A few minutes after the sun had gone down, the afterglow illuminated the rocks in the most beautiful colors once again and Gerard started jumping up and down like a little child, making me laugh. After I had all the shots I wanted, I put the camera away and even though we were way too hyper to turn this moment into a romantic one, it was still special. It made me emotional because I was here, with him, experiencing all of this, with him. And only with Gerard I could have two crazy sex and alcohol-fueled days in Vegas and ten hours later stand at the Grand Canyon and cry over a sunset.

An hour later we had finished putting up our tent and were sitting around the campfire in the center of the campground with a few other people. Most of them were older than us, some with children who were complaining about being sent to bed. A couple in their 40s, Carol and Henry, was talking about taking a river trip on the Colorado River the next day and after realizing we were interested but slightly scared, there were now trying to convince Gerard and I to join in.

'It's not dangerous at all. There are wild water raft trips as well but this one's a smooth water raft trip. You're basically just floating down the river. Believe me, I wouldn't do it otherwise.' Carol said, handing me the brochure and I opened it, leaning over to Gerard to let him take a look as well.

'You strike me as adventurous. Come on!' Henry laughed and we looked at each other.

We were adventurous. Just in...other ways. I could tell Gerard was thinking the same thing because a cheeky smile spread across his face and I blushed, my mind already going there again.

'Okay, we're in. YOLO, right?' I rolled my eyes at myself and Gerard nudged me playfully.

'YO fucking LO.'

With our plans for the next day made, we settled in our tent which was almost as cozy as a hotel room, thanks to the air mattress and the pillows. It reminded me of that first camping trip we took back in New Jersey and I knew it was on Gerard's mind too when he crawled into his sleeping bag. Oh how sweet and innocent we had been back then compared to now but in a way, still the same. Thinking about Belleville and the people I had to leave behind made me sad though. And he picked up on it instantly.

'You're thinking about the trip to the lake?' he said, stroking my hair.

'Yeah. I wonder what happened to Suki and Ray. Lauren and Mark. You know, I tried to get in touch with Suki a few times after I left. But there wasn't really a way for us to keep in contact. My aunt went through the mail, checked every letter I got. I wasn't allowed to use the phone so I used a pay phone near my school but I could only reach her a couple of times and she could never call me back. And after a while, we just gave up. I told her not to hate me. And that we would always be friends no matter what. But that never worked out.'

'I was the same with Ray. In the beginning we both tried to keep in touch. But I just...'

'Wanted to forget about everything that had to do with me? And us?' I finished his sentence and he nodded. I couldn't see him in the dark but I knew he had that look on his face, the same one he would have found on mine.

*

We were both quiet for a while and I just kept playing with her hair, maybe to distract myself, maybe to comfort her. It wasn't often that we talked about the past and I knew we were moving on thin ice, wanting to avoid it at all costs while once and for all dealing with it. At the risk of upsetting her more, I asked the question on my mind out loud.

'Do you want to look for them?'

'What do you mean?' she wanted to know and I could already sense the tension in her voice.

'We could stop in Belleville.'

'No.'

That was pretty clear. But for some reason, I decided to push it.

'I think it would be good.'

'For what, Gerard? Good for what?' ugh, now she was definitely upset. I could feel her move away from me and sit up and I grabbed the flashlight to turn it on. 'I don't want to go back there. In fact, I don't want to go anywhere near Belleville.'

'But it could help.'

'Listen...I don't need this whole....coming to terms with the past stuff. We've done that. Remember? We talked about it all back in New York.'

Yes, we had talked about it. For about an hour or two. I wasn't fond of the idea of being confronted with everything again either, especially now that we were so happy. But her reaction told me that it was something she desperately needed.

'You still get so upset about it. That tells me you're not over it. You still have nightmares.'

'My mother forced me to kill our child! Of course I'm still upset about it! Of course I still have nightmares about it! If it would have been you on that table you would be too! But it wasn't you, it was me! I was all alone! I was in pain! I had nothing. And no one!'

My stomach clenched as though someone had punched me. There were tears in her eyes, threatening to spill and she looked away, her lips trembling. Fuck. Why did I have to push it? Why did I have to make her sad? As guilty as I felt, it was now obvious just how much the past was still hurting her. Had I been naive to think that we could just put it behind us by simply being so in love and not caring about anything else? I didn't know what to say so I reached for her hand and luckily, she didn't pull away.

'I'm sorry. I know I'll never be able to understand what it was like. But that doesn't mean you have to keep it all in. We're happy. And I love being happy. I just think that...it's okay to also be sad sometimes. You can talk to me. You can wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me about your nightmares. I'll do my best to make it better. You're not alone anymore, Finn.'

She looked at me again and her expression changed. 'I didn't mean to...sound so angry. Or like it was your fault.'

'It's okay. I know that.' I pulled her close and hugged her, her arms wrapping around me as though she was drowning. 'It's okay. Please don't feel bad.'

'But I do. I'm so selfish. You're upset about it too and instead of talking to you I-'

'Finn, you don't have to explain yourself, okay? Not to me. I get it. It's not easy. Maybe it never will be. But that's just how it is and we have to start dealing with it.' I interrupted her.

'How?' she wanted to know.

Yes, how? That was the question neither of us had an answer to.

'I don't know, sweetheart. But we'll figure it out. We will.' I assured her and she leaned her head on my shoulder, trying her best to believe me.

Notes

SIGH

It's never easy with these two, I guess.

Let me know your thoughts :)