When You & I Were Forever Wild

I had expected the feeling to last. But a week after my conversation with Gerard, I couldn't even remember it. I couldn't remember or maybe I had lied to myself again. When he had told me he was happy, when I had told him I would be. Lies.

For the sake of moving on.

Truth was, it pained me to know that he was with someone else now. It wasn't exactly jealousy, it was far more unfathomable than that. Yes, I was glad he wasn't alone but I just couldn't imagine that there was someone who shared the same things with him we had shared. Someone he felt the same way about. I felt betrayed, as though what we had was never anything special in the first place if he could have it with another girl. That should have helped me to finally move on but right now, it just hurt me. Maybe that was normal. Maybe I had to go through all the emotions one last time in order to then find peace.

But I found myself doing what Gerard had admitted to doing. Asking myself 'what if?'. What if he had really lied? What if he wasn't even happy? I knew there was no point; he wanted to be. And after all, I wanted him to be too, and that's why we had lied.

Daniel had noticed straight away, the day I returned from my trip to New York. But given the state I was in, he hadn't asked.

Now we were sitting in a bar in West Hollywood and I was drunk enough to finally bring up Gerard.

'Ughhh, he looked SO good. I couldn't believe how good he looked. I didn't think it was possible for him to get even hotter! And I didn't want to think about it but I couldn't help it, you know?!? I wish I could've just jumped him. Like...we used to do it EVERYWHERE. We couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were together. It was almost like an addiction! This one time, we did it in a cemetery. A FREAKING CEMETERY! He fucked me against a mausoleum, can you believe that?! It was so hot.' I giggled although I felt miserable. Finishing yet another drink, I signaled the waiter to bring me a new one.

'Holy shit. I would be way too scared.' Daniel looked shocked.

'Ahh...I was too at first. But then he started kissing me...and I just...melted like butter. Made me forget where we were. It was crazy.'

'You should have just screwed him.'

'Wha?' I frowned, not knowing what he was talking about.

'In New York. When you saw him. You should have just fucked. Maybe that's what you REALLY needed. I mean, good, yeah, you talked. You said goodbye, whatever. But maybe fucking each other one last time would have been better.' Daniel said, all serious.

'Nah. Nah-ah. We wouldn't have been able to stop.'

'So?'

'Plus, he has a girlfriend, okay? I googled him. Stupid Finn. Stuuuuupid.' I tapped my own forehead and rolled my eyes at myself.

Yes, despite knowing that it wouldn't be good for me, I had typed his name into the search machine a couple of days ago. And after reading about his career in comic books, I had found pictures of him and a pretty blonde at various events. Of course she was gorgeous, of course it was obvious that she was in love with him, that she was proud to have a guy like him loving her. Of course they probably had the hottest, wildest sex with each other. She'd been having him longer than I'd had him. I was the stupid little girl he'd lost his virginity to. Yes, we used to be crazy about each other but at the end of the day we had still been teenagers. As intimate and special as it had been back then, everything had also been a first, we had to find out how things worked together. Now he was with her. I bet she knew everything. I bet she knew exactly how he liked it. I bet she was a super sex vixen in bed making him lose his mind the second she spread her legs. Ugh. I felt sick. It stung. I didn't want to think about it. But I couldn't make it stop.

'I was just the training wheels.' I hiccuped.

'He still loves you.' Daniel interrupted my thoughts and I started laughing. Everything was just a bad fucking joke.

'No he doesn't! He's fucking her now. So how could he still love me? Huh? Maybe he's in love with how it used to be. Like...he's in love with the memory. But you know what? Nostalgia is a filthy liar. It lies to you and makes you think things were better than they seemed. We had nothing. We were just two kids and we were curious and careless and stupid. We were having fun and then our fun was over. It never meant anything!' I was turning into an angry drunk now. 'Whatever.'

'That's bullshit and you know it. But okay. If it helps. Whatever happened to closure? And moving on?'

'I AM MOVING ON! THIS IS ME MOVING ON!' I yelled, raising my glass before emptying it in one go.

*

Even though Jen knew the arrival time of my flight, she wasn't there at the airport to pick me up and neither had I expected her to be. I had called her two days ago, just to do some damage control before I returned home but I could tell she was still angry with me, despite trying as hard as I was. This time, a simple 'I'm sorry' paired with puppy dog eyes and a pout wouldn't be enough. This time, I couldn't just rely on my charm and there was also no way I could seduce her and make her forget about everything by giving her multiple orgasms. I was in trouble. Serious trouble. And it was my own fault.

So I bought flowers on the way home and I had also gotten a few gifts for her in the various cities I had visited in the last two weeks, not really as a peace offering but because that's what I always did. If she accepted it as an apology, then even better. I had gone over my speech over and over again in my head, trying to find the right words in order to make her understand where I was coming from.

We got off to a good start. I hugged and kissed her and told her I had missed her and she let me, which was a positive sign. After all the confusion that this trip had caused, the only way to deal with it was honesty. If I could be honest with Finn and talk about things that I had avoided for so long, the least I could do was give Jen the same courtesy. Especially now that I was finally able to move forward. So I told her straight away.

'I saw Finn. I didn't plan to but we ran into each other.' Jen looked scared and moved away from me, holding up her hands to dismiss me when I tried to reach out for her. 'Nothing happened. I swear. We just talked. About everything.'

Damage control. Again. I had to explain quickly before she could jump to any conclusions that weren't true. I wanted to tell the truth, I wanted to assure her that things were resolved, that I was ready to move on, with her and our relationship. That I loved her. That I had chosen her.

'What's everything?' Jen wanted to know and I hesitated again which she picked up on immediately. She got up and I panicked.

'Jen...we just talked. We put it behind us. We said goodbye. There's...nothing between us anymore. Over. Done. It's history.' for some reason it sounded wrong coming out of my mouth.

'Ooooh wow! Wow, I'm so happy for you, Gerard! After what, ten years? So how do you feel now? Better? Is that it? Is it gonna be different now?' she was resentful but I could see the tears in her eyes. Fuck. I didn't want to hurt her!

'Yes! Yes, it's gonna be different. I promise, baby. Listen, please. I had to do this. For us. You and me. And I'm glad I was able to. I told Finn I was happy and I meant it. I'm happy with you. I know I should have talked to you about it earlier but I just couldn't. I guess I had to make sure she was happy too first. Now that I know that, I can move on because I don't feel guilty anymore. You understand?'

'Yes, Gerard. I understand completely.' more sarcasm. 'Let me just send her a Thank You card! Thank you, Finn, for finally letting my boyfriend love me the way I deserve it. Thank you sooo much for letting him off the hook.'

'This isn't her fault. And it's not yours. It's mine, okay? So just be angry at me.'

'Oh I am, don't worry. But it's not because you met up with her. It's also not about the lies and the fact that you kept this from me while pretending that you cared enough about me to make it work. No. You did it for yourself. And now you show up here thinking everything is cool now because you resolved things with your high school sweetheart and what? I have to be grateful? Right, because you did it for us. You keep telling yourself that.'

'I don't think everything's cool now. I didn't expect it to be. I was willing to work on it and do whatever it takes. Because I love you and I want to be with you.' I sounded defeated because I knew I was.

Jen looked at me with big eyes, seemingly trying to take in my words. I knew I should have felt scared or miserable, desperate even. I knew I should have grabbed her and kissed her and maybe even cried and begged. But I didn't do any of that. Instead, I caught myself hoping that she would just say the words. And after a few moments of silence, she finally did.

'I'm sorry, Gerard. I wish I could believe you. But I just can't. It's over.'

And I watched as she grabbed her keys and left.

*

'How're you feeling?' Daniel asked me and I reluctantly looked up from my computer, where I was currently editing shots of a brand new five star hotel that was due to open in just a few days.

'Great!' I replied, not even lying for a change.

I was feeling better - after several wild nights out that resulted in almost getting arrested while attempting to buy cocaine, almost getting abducted because I thought it was a good idea to get into a car with a random stranger before Daniel had pulled me out again; and keeping him awake until dawn by either being hysterically cheerful or close to suicidal. But maybe I had needed that. Getting it all out of my system had brought me dangerously close to a mental and physical breakdown but after a long, serious, sober conversation with Daniel, I was now back to what could almost be described as 'stable'. I still wasn't there 100% but at least I wasn't a danger to myself anymore. He had stayed with me for a couple of days and was still checking up on me every now and then, there was still the occasional 2am text I sent him when I was really desperate, but yes, the real process of moving on had begun and it was a good feeling.

'Awesome. Listen, you know I'm gonna cover Beyoncé and Jay-Z's wedding in Hawaii and first of all, I want you to take the photos and second, I think we could both deserve a few days at a luxurious spa while we're there.'

My mouth gaped open and he giggled, already knowing I would say yes.

'For real? But what if they don't want me as the photographer?'

'I already spoke to their managers and they looked at your portfolio, they love your work, they want you, alright!' Daniel smiled.

Holy shit. Not only was it an amazing opportunity, it was also exactly what I needed right now. Even though I'd just had a week off for my trip to New York, I wouldn't have to use any vacation days for this since it was work-related. It was perfect!

'Unless you don't know yet, I love you.' I grinned and he looked pleased with himself, having successfully surprised me and cheered me up.

'Okay, you have four weeks to get a tan.' he teased and I rolled my eyes, still smiling like an idiot.

I loved this guy. God knows what would have happened if it hadn't been for Daniel. I was a train wreck, completely consumed by my issues and he never once made me feel guilty about it even though I felt so guilty, always talking about my problems. He had been there for me and now he was again doing everything in his power to cheer me up and distract me. I had to think of something really special for him, maybe I could surprise him in Hawaii.

Even though Daniel was doing everything in his power to make me feel better, he also didn't shy away from confronting me with the topic I dreaded the most. Gerard. But while a few weeks ago he had tried almost desperately to convince me that I should go to Portland and tell him how I really felt, Daniel was now supporting me in 'appreciating the memories while creating new ones', as he called it. Whatever that meant. I was still trying to find the balance. I didn't want to forget about Gerard completely but I also didn't want to hold on to him. I had for so long and there was simply no point anymore.

*

Dr Goldstein was silent for a while. I had just finished telling him about New York and what had happened with Jen when I returned. Now I was staring down at my hands, watching as I played with the ring.

'I brought it with me when I met with Finn. I wanted to give it back to her. As a gesture...you know? It's a promise ring and the promise was broken. So I wanted her to know that it was okay to let go of it. But then I completely forgot. And when I reached into my pocket on my way home, it was still there.'

'Did you really forget? Or did you just not want to let it go?' I had seen that question coming and of course, Dr Goldstein didn't disappoint.

'I have no idea. Does it matter? I still have it. I could have thrown it into the Hudson, I could have buried it somewhere. But I still have it.'

'Gerard, have you ever thought about the possibility that maybe you and Finn could actually be together?'

I looked up at him, confused. 'Sure. I told you. I'm constantly wondering what it would be like if we were still together.'

'That's not what I mean. I mean, if you were together again. Start over.'

What? Was he actually serious?

'How? How do you start over from something like that? Too much happened.'

'Yes but you resolved it, didn't you? You talked about it. You decided to put it in the past.'

'Yes! So we could move on!'

'But maybe you're not supposed to? Maybe the reason why you haven't been able to move on is because you aren't meant to?'

That didn't make any sense. Of course I wanted to move on. It's what I had been trying to do for the last ten years. I had met up with Finn, I had gone through all this agony again just because I thought it would help me move on. For my own sake and then for Jen's sake. Even though she hadn't believed me. Not that it mattered anymore, we were no longer together. I had moved out of our apartment and into a hotel for now.

'So what are you saying?' I asked, still confused.

'I'm saying that it's time to stop bullshitting, Gerard.' Dr Goldstein said and I raised my brows at his bluntness. 'No matter how you look at it, it's just gonna amount to the same thing and at some point you have to stop being in denial about it. So either do what you have to do, what you're supposed to do or continue spending $150 per session on talking about how much you still love Finn.'

I drew a sharp breath, stopped my fidgeting and stared at my therapist, who leaned back in his armchair, seemingly satisfied with the reaction he had caused. I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet, making me lose my grip on everything I thought I had built for myself over the last ten years. Had I honestly been blind for so long? How had I not been able to see it? If it was that obvious, why had I refused to believe it? Or was this some sort of test? To force me to finally make the decision, to finally move the fuck on. What the fuck was going on?

'I still love her?' although it sounded like a question, it seemed more like a statement.

'You know the answer to that.'

'But what am I supposed to do!?' I put my head in my hands, wishing I could just find a dark hole to crawl into. As if that would help me figure things out!

'You remember what you told me a few months ago? That the summer you spent with Finn was the summer you became a man but that you now feel like a lost boy? I think you just became someone else after she left. Someone that wasn't really you. You stopped being yourself because everything you knew suddenly didn't make sense anymore. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you know because you saw a glimpse of the real you when you met Finn again.'

I nodded, tears clouding my vision when I looked up again.

'I always thought that I had just grown up. That I just wasn't that boy anymore. It's hard to tell the difference.'

'It is. But now that you know, what are you gonna do about it?' he asked me, eager to hear an answer, a revelation even.

But my mind was blank. I was back at the start. And whether that was good or bad, whether or not it was exactly what I needed, I couldn't tell.

Notes

there's only one chapter left and I'm sad :(