When You & I Were Forever Wild

Babbo's was just around the corner from my brother's place so I had even more time on my hands because I didn't have to take the train or a cab to get there. After taking Max to preschool and helping Ashley clean up the mess he had left behind, I accompanied her to the shop where she let me pick out some clothes. I was grateful for her effort to cheer me up and ease my nerves but I still kept looking out the window, hoping and fearing to see Gerard walk by on the way to the restaurant even though it was way too early.

By noon I was starving and knowing that I wouldn't be able to actually eat with Gerard, I prepared a sandwich, only to leave it in the fridge for Josh. I felt sick and my stomach was in a twist. When Ashley asked me what I was so scared of, I couldn't even figure it out. Everything. I was scared of everything. Most of all, that shiver I knew I would feel running down my spine as soon as I looked into his eyes again. That unnatural longing to reach out and touch his soft skin, to have him close. To call him mine again and the pain in my heart when I would realize that he would never be.

After taking my time to get ready, hoping I would somehow waste more time, I still arrived at the restaurant 45 minutes too early but to my surprise, he was already there. Suppressing the urge to run, I made my way toward him, almost stumbling as he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. Wow. There it was. The shiver, followed by goosebumps, spreading from the nape of my neck over my whole body. At least it had been somewhat predictable.

We were really doing this. After ten years, we were really doing this.

'Hi.' he said, getting up. What to do? Shake his hand? Hug him? Kiss his cheek?

'Hi.' I just replied, not doing anything.

'Here, lemme get your coat.' he said as I slid it off my shoulders and I secretly hope he wouldn't touch me. I wouldn't be able to bear it if he did.

He pulled out the chair for me before walking away, presumably to put my coat away. Still a gentleman, I thought, taking advantage of his brief absence to take a deep breath. You have to talk to him this time, Finn. This is what you have to do. And this is your last chance. Give him and yourself the peace of mind you deserve.

Gerard returned and sat down facing me. Momentarily I was distracted by how handsome he looked. The black sweater he was wearing made his skin look even paler, especially in combination with his black hair but it suited him, it brought out his flawless features even more although it also made the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. I noticed his scent and that it was still familiar in a way, clean and comforting. I caught myself wishing I could nuzzle his neck and as he ran his hand through his hair, I couldn't help but remember the way it had felt between my fingers.

The waiter arrived to take our orders, I opted for a glass of white wine while Gerard chose red.

How to start? How to just sum up the thoughts and feelings of the last ten years, starting with what had happened the very last time we saw each other.

*

'Thank you. For calling. And meeting.' I said, giving her a soft smile.

'I'm sorry I kept you waiting.'

'No! No, it's okay. I'm sure it wasn't easy.'

I was relieved that this time, talking to each other seemed less tense and difficult. We'd both had time to prepare ourselves, or at least attempt to. Despite having trouble finding the right words, despite feeling as though I was about to pass out due to the fact that Finn was once again sitting across from me, I felt eager to make this work.

'We've never done easy.' Finn said and although I didn't hear any bitterness in her words, I'm sure it was there, hidden, deep inside of her.

As dazed as she seemed, she looked very elegant. I had noticed that when I had seen her in Starbucks. Not in a stuffy way, not even in a polished way. Everything about her just seemed to...fit. She still looked like 16-year old Finn and even though the sadness and worry in her eyes was undeniable, they were big and bright as always. Had she slept last night? If not, it certainly didn't show. There was a soft shimmer of pink on her lips and for a fraction of a moment I thought about how kissable they looked, yes, my mind even went as far as remembering how they had felt on mine, how they had tasted, before I shook my head as if to banish the thoughts. Of course Finn picked up on it, her forehead creasing in distress.

'Is there something wrong?' she asked, sounding guilty and I cursed myself for making her feel uneasy.

'Nothing at all. I was just...it's nothing.' I ensured her, trying to sound convincing.

Luckily, the waiter arrived with our drinks and after letting him know that we wouldn't be ordering food, he disappeared again, giving us privacy. Finn took a sip of her wine and I did the same, our eyes meeting again over the rims of our glasses.

'How's your trip been so far?' she wanted to know, continuing our small talk and avoiding the inevitable just like I was.

'It was nice. I'm still getting used to all this. It feels so surreal. Everyone kind of expects me to change now and maybe I have. I'd like to think I'm still the nerd I used to be before the comic was published.'

'For what it's worth, I'm very proud of you. That you got to achieve your dream.'

One of them, at least, I thought, and it would have been so much better if you had been with me, experiencing it every step of the way.

'Did you read it?' I wanted to know and I could feel myself blushing.

'I did. I loved it back then and I love it now. Although...I'm not a superhero.' her cheeks flushed as well as she referred to my dedication to her in my book.

To be honest, I hadn't even thought about it when Scott had asked me whether or not I wanted to dedicate the book to someone. It had kind of happened almost automatically, almost as though it was too obvious to even question. She had inspired me for as long as I could remember, she still inspired me although these days it was hard to admit it to myself.

'You are. To me, you are.' I said in a whisper.

Finn looked down at her hands, seemingly distraught by my words. Oh no. Fuck. It was going so well but now I could feel her retracting back into her shell. What could I do?

*

'You look beautiful.' Gerard said after several minutes of uncomfortable silence and I gasped, failing miserably at keeping it together.

'Umm...thanks...you look good too.' I forced myself to a polite smile and he smiled back shyly.

'I like your hair like this.' I automatically tucked my chin-length hair behind my ears while asking myself how many more comments like this we had to exchange in order to break the ice.

Would the ice even break? Was it possible? Or were we heading toward a huge iceberg that would sink us like the bloody Titanic?

'I cut it all off one night. It was shortly after I arrived in San Francisco. I just couldn't stand my long hair anymore.' be honest, Finn. Just say it like it is. 'It reminded me of you and how you always used to play with it.'

The first attempt. The first crack. Finally.

His hand flew to his mouth almost immediately, his teeth starting an attack on his already bitten off fingernails. I felt guilty for making him feel anxious but after all, this was why we were here. Not to talk about comics or haircuts, we were here to talk about us. Or what we used to be.

'So you were in San Francisco? With your aunt and uncle?' he ignored the comment about the hair, obviously trying to get to the point as quickly as I was now. I nodded and he frowned.

'I called. And I wrote.' I said, my voice noticeable quieter.

'Did you?' he asked, taking his hand away from his mouth.

'Of course I did. I had to try at least. To say I'm sorry.' I swallowed hard. 'When I didn't get a reply I just thought you didn't want to hear it. I guess I then kinda learned to live with that.'

'We moved. Just a week after you left. Your mother...she...continued to threaten me and when changing our number wasn't enough we just had to leave.'

Josh had told me about it. Not in detail but I knew enough about what had happened to make me hate myself even more. And to convince me that Gerard hated me too.

'By the time I found out I had already decided that you hated me so...I just gave up.' I looked down at my glass, surprised by how honest I was already being.

'Hate you?' Gerard didn't sound surprised but I could tell he wanted an explanation to why I would think that.

'You had to go through so much shit because of me. Give up your home, your friends, everything. I put you in a horrible situation. And back then all I knew was that I would hate the person who got me into this situation in the first place.'

He sighed and took a huge gulp of wine, as if to calm his nerves.

'Okay, before you say anything else, let me make something very clear.' Gerard sounded stern and it frightened me but when he looked at me, his expression was soft . 'I never hated you. Never. Not for one second. I hated myself, I hated your parents, I hated the whole freaking world. But I never hated you, Finn. I know you probably wanted me to hate you because it would have made it easier, believe me, I felt the same way, but it just didn't work. Why would I ever hate you? You didn't do anything! It was her.'

As relieved as I was hearing all this, the disgust in his voice when he mentioned my mother, the same disgust I knew I had for her, made me shiver.

'But I let her do it. I let her...I let her take it away. I shouldn't have let her.' I whispered.

There it was. I had said it. I had brought it up. The baby. Our baby. And what had happened to it.

I felt ashamed. The emptiness I had felt back then came back with full force, swallowing me up into its void, devouring my pain, feasting on my misery, its teeth gnawing on my brittle heart. It was the first time since then I let it get away with it. I wanted it because I wanted to share Gerard's pain, or at least what I was able to share.

*

Right now, I couldn't tell what hurt me more. The fact that she had brought up the baby or the fact that she was blaming herself for what her mother had done. None of this had been her fault! But even though I understood her guilt because I had felt it too, I knew I couldn't say anything to make it go away. So I did the only thing I could do. I reached across the table and took her hands in mine.

To my surprise and relief, she didn't pull away although my touch seemed to affect her deeply. As she looked at me, her eyes welled up with tears and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart, repeatedly and violently. All the unspoken words and unexplainable feelings, they were released at once, finally. I didn't know how long we just sat there like this but when she let go of me, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

'We were just kids...'

She nodded as though she realized it for the first time. It wasn't about the importance of our age back then, it was about how naive we had been, thinking we could make it work just because we were in love. We hadn't acknowledged the fact that we couldn't control the consequences, it wasn't on us. That was the real mistake we had made.

'I shouldn't have left you. That day. I still regret it.' I confessed and watched as she wiped away her tears.

'Gerard...'

'I know, I know. But I can't help it. I can't help thinking....what if? You know?'

Finn nodded and I knew she understood. There was no point in asking 'what if?' though. Not if we really wanted to move on. It was important that I stopped, it was important that instead of looking back, I started looking forward. Nothing could undo what had been done. Nothing could change the past. Nothing could turn me back into that boy I used to be, madly in love with the girl she used to be. There were no time machines and there were no 'what ifs'. It was over. And it was over for good.

'For what it's worth, it was still the best summer of my life.' she said, avoiding my gaze.

'Mine too.'

Yes, although it ended with all that grief, the times we had spent together would always be beautiful.

'Are you happy?' she asked.

I didn't know the answer to it but I knew the answer she wanted to hear, so I told her. This was it. She had given me back the part of me that had belonged to her all these years.

'Yes.'

'Good. That's good. I'm glad.' she sounded so sincere that it almost made me reconsider.

Was I really happy? I felt better now but I knew she was referring to my overall state, not my current one. There was hope. Hope that I would be able to be happy. With Jen, with my future with her. I had just taken a huge step toward it and even though I was on unfamiliar territory now, it had to be like this. This was what I wanted, after all.

'Are you?' I wanted to know.

'I will be.' Finn replied.

'You deserve to be happy.'

She looked at me with gratitude, taking in my words, hopefully accepting them. Hopefully accepting me giving her back the part of her that had still belonged to me after all these years. Hopefully making her whole again.

We hugged as we said goodbye. She threw her arms around me and clung to me for a few brief moments, enough for me to press my cheek against hers, enough to breath in her scent one last time. And it really did feel like closure. Still, as I watched her walk away, the tears started flowing.

Notes

DEEP BREATH
this chapter was really hard to write (and to reread and to edit)...but in a way also the easiest because the whole story started with this 'scene' between Gerard and Finn...I actually built the rest of the story around it.

so what do you think?