When You & I Were Forever Wild

'Hello Finn.' my dad gave me a nervous smile as he entered the kitchen, where I was deliberately busying myself so I didn't have to talk to him. But now he had found me nonetheless.

'Dad.' I merely acknowledged him while I hid my face in the fridge.

'I was hoping we could talk.' he muttered, walking past me.

Ugh. It was the same every time. He always wanted to talk and it never led us anywhere. It didn't worsen our relationship but it also didn't improve it. We had nothing to say to each other. I was glad that Max had a grandpa who truly cared about him, I was glad that Josh and Ashley stopped by his house in Newark every now and then, that they made sure he didn't turn into a lonely, bitter, old man. But there was a distance between us, thanks to the line I had drawn years ago.

'Talk about what?' I asked, closing the fridge and turning around. He already looked defeated.

'Just...stuff.'

'Stuff?' I raised my brows and he sighed. I wasn't making it easy for him but why should I?

'I just want to know how you've been. What you're up to. How's work?'

'Josh told you about Gerard, hmm?'

'Actually I told him. Met that kid you and him used to hang out with, Ray? Ray Toro. Yeah, he told me about Gerard and his comic. Told me that he was really famous now.' I was stunned but I had to stop him, this was going too far already.

'Dad please don't talk about Gerard.' I warned, shaking my head and narrowing my eyes. 'You have no right to talk about him.'

'Finn...'

'NO! You don't get to talk about him.'

'I don't know how many times I told you I'm sorry. I'm gonna tell you again, I'm sorry. It's not gonna change anything but I'll keep saying it until you believe me.'

This wasn't fair. Did he expect me to be grateful now? I would have found out about the comic sooner or later. Maybe I wouldn't have run into Gerard but right now I didn't even know for sure whether it had been the best or the worst thing to happen to me. Either way, my father had overstepped the line and even though I knew my anger was slightly immature, I couldn't help feeling the way I did. My emotions were all over the place. I wasn't capable to have this conversation.

'Dad, just stop. Please. There's literally nothing you can say and if you keep talking you're only gonna make it worse.'

'No, I have to say this, Finn. I know you don't want to hear it-'

'That's right. I don't want to hear it. I have enough on my plate as it is. I'm confused, I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm in pain. He is the only one who understands, therefore he's the only one I need and want to talk to about it. Please. Respect that. And back off.'

My dad took a deep breath but nodded, finally getting the point.

'Does that mean you will talk to him?' he then asked carefully.

'Yes.' I didn't know when exactly I had decided but I was certain now. I needed to have that conversation with him or else I would regret it forever.

'Good. Good.'

He looked pleased and a little more relaxed. Maybe he really just wanted me to be happy. But why had it taken him so long to realize that? As much as I tried not to blame him, what had happened had been his fault too. Of course he hadn't known that my mother was forcing me to have the abortion, as far as he'd been concerned, back then, I had wanted it, I had even asked for it. That's what my mother had told him. However, he had done nothing to stop her from all the other horrible things he had been aware of. Locking me into my room, threatening Gerard, sending me away. Yes, 'just until she comes to her senses', she had said. And when I never returned, after I had told Josh what really happened, he had left her, they all had. She was dead to Josh and my grandparents hadn't spoken to her in years either. As thankful as I was for the fact that my family had acknowledged what she had done to me, it didn't change anything and neither did it make me feel any better.

'I really loved him, you know.' I said quietly and my father closed his eyes, hurt by the pain in my voice.

*

I was disappointed when Finn still hadn't called as I arrived back in NYC on monday but I was too busy to think about it too much. The day was filled with interviews, photoshoots and then my lecture at SVA.

It was strange returning there, especially because I had only graduated myself a couple of years ago. As I walked into the building, greeting the students who were already waiting to meet me, I remembered standing in the exact same spot, watching Grant Morrison walk past me, too shy to say anything but pretty much peeing my pants with excitement. Now he was not just a colleague but also a friend. Even though it had been hard to break into comics, the years of struggling had taught me a lot and without them, I surely wouldn't be the writer and artist I was today.

The lecture went smoothly although at first I was nervous as hell, especially because a lot of my former instructors were present and I naturally felt like a student all over again, trying my best not to let them down. But when I noticed how carefully and approvingly they were listening, I calmed down, feeling more confident. After the lecture I did a Q&A and signed stuff for people before having coffee with some of the alumni and staff. Although the conversation was interesting, I couldn't help but constantly check my phone, just to see that Finn still hadn't called or messaged. Fuck.

'Maybe it's better that way.' Mikey said as we sat in our backyard after dinner, drinking beer and smoking.

'What do you mean?' I asked and he seemed surprised that I hadn't dismissed his comment right away.

'Well...let bygones be bygones.'

'I already told you...it's so we can once and for all put an end to it.'

'Yeah but do you really think that it's gonna help? Don't you think that ten years should have been enough to get over her? What if it just makes all the feelings you used to have for her resurface? What if it just confuses you more than it does you good? And what about Jen? If she knew you were planning to meet up with your ex-'

'Oh you wanna call her and tell her?' I teased, emptying my bottle and grabbing another one.

I wasn't actually mad at him anymore but I wouldn't be a typical big brother if I didn't continue to rub his nose in it. As expected he sighed and rolled his eyes.

'I'm serious, Gee. Think about it. We shouldn't even be having this conversation. I don't even remember half of the girls I dated in High School and you're desperately holding on to something that happened such a long time ago.'

What? 'I'm not desperately holding on to it! What the fuck are you talking about? I've been trying to forget her, you know that.'

'Yeah? Why do you keep the box then?'

'Sentimental value.'

'Do you keep a box with things that remind you of Jen?' he crossed his arms, looking triumphant because he knew he had cornered me.

'No, why would I? I'm not 16 anymore.'

'Yes! Exactly! You're not fucking 16 anymore. It's time to grow up, Gee. 'Cause this perfect little dreamworld that you have created for yourself and Finn ten years ago, it never existed. I don't know why you thought you would be with her forever but you have to acknowledge that you were WRONG.'

Why was he so angry all of a sudden? I knew Mikey had a temper but these were my issues he was getting worked up over.

'Dude, I know that now. That's not the point. She meant a lot to me. She was my first...everything. Have you ever been genuinely in love? I'm not talking about having a crush or sexual attraction.'

'And what could a 16-year old possibly know about love?'

Angry and cynical. Wow.

I sighed, lighting another cigarette. He had become the adult that Finn and I had feared back then. Hadn't he seen me suffer enough to know how strong my feelings for her had been? Or maybe that was exactly why he was so scornful now. Was it my fault?

'All I know is that it hurt. It hurt so fucking much.' I told him and he finally decided to keep quiet.

*

I tried my best to distract myself, spending time with my family and doing exactly what I had been looking forward to doing. On sunday evening I took Josh and Ashley out for dinner and even though the topic was hanging in the air, they didn't mention Gerard which I was grateful for. There was nothing left to say anyway. So they kept distracting me.

He returned to New York on monday and I only had until wednesday morning before I had to return to LA. I knew I had to make that phone call but thinking about it confused me even more. How was it possible to want something so much but at the same time wish you didn't have to do it? The thought of opening this door just to then close it forever wasn't a nice one.

Another thing I was scared of was rewinding the tape. Going back ten years and addressing everything that had happened back then. I had never really dealt with any of it the way I should have, it had taken years for me to talk to my brother and even he didn't know what I was really feeling.

But what was I really feeling? Were there any words left to describe it? Had there ever been any? And even if I could pinpoint it, what good would it do? Would it change anything? Would it make it easier? Nothing actually could make it easier. That was the only thing I knew for sure.

My hands were shaking as I dialed the number on the paper. It was already after 10pm but I wasn't worried. In all honesty, I was sort of hoping that he wouldn't pick up so I'd have an excuse for not having to talk to him. But as always, my hopes were shattered.

'Hello?' he, on the other hand, sounded hopeful.

'Hi.' I said, my voice croaky.

'Finn.' it wasn't a question. He knew it was me.

'Hey Gerard.' it felt weird saying his name, just as weird as talking to him.

He was quiet and I didn't know what to say either so we didn't say anything for a while. Weirdly enough, it didn't seem like there was any tension, on the contrary, it felt oddly comforting and I calmed down, the knot in my stomach slowly dissolving. This was equally terrifying for both of us and I found solace in that.

'I didn't think you would call.' he confessed and he sounded sad which immediately brought back the knot.

'I owe you this much.'

'You don't owe me anything.'

Was I relieved or more hurt? What did he mean by that? I missed the days when I knew exactly what was going through his mind, when I could hear it in his voice and see it in his face.

'Do you want to meet tomorrow?' I asked, afraid of the answer.

Yes would mean I would have to mentally prepare myself for it, for seeing him again, talking to him. No would mean facing the painful truth - that he had changed his mind and was done with me for good. But didn't he go through the same thing when he thought I wouldn't call? Get it in your head, Finn. You're in the same boat!

'Would 2 be okay for you? ' he wanted to know.

Thank God.

'Yes. Perfect.' I was fumbling with the piece of paper in my hand, nervously, relieved, confused.

'You know Babbo? It's in Greenwich Village. It's quiet and cozy and the food is great.'

As if I'd be able to eat!

'Sounds good. It's not far from my brother's place actually.'

'Oh. Okay. Great. Tomorrow then.' his voice sounded exactly how I felt.

Maybe we weren't strangers after all.

*

I didn't sleep at all that night. In my head, I went over possible outcomes and scenarios, things to say, things to do, and everything seemed either too dramatic, too forced or too inadequate. I felt guilty for still not having returned Jen's calls. I had nothing to tell her. I had nothing to tell anyone. Because my mind couldn't come up with any plausible positive outcomes and scenarios, I started feeling regretful. Why torture myself like that? Why torture Finn like that? I knew we had to do it, both of us for our own selfish reasons; I knew every thought and feeling was just a result of my insecurity that made me feel like a 16-year old boy again. The broken version, not the happy one. Had I told the truth when Dr Goldstein had asked me? Would we really still be together today?

I tried to imagine our life. The life we could have had together. We'd have a child. But would we have gotten married? Back then our love had been strong but it had also been pure, almost naive. There was no room in the grown-up world for that so I wasn't sure if it would have been enough. Then again, if it would have been, we would still be together. We would have found each other again, maybe after high school, we would have started over again. We wouldn't have let anyone get between us, just like we always used to say.

Even comparing the feelings I had for Finn back then with the feelings I had for Jen today didn't make any sense. But I was certain it had to do with the fact that I had been a boy then and was a man now. It changes, right? Love changes?

It was 7am when I got out of bed. I took a shower. I shaved. I got dressed. I checked and answered my emails, I called Scott to discuss the changes in my schedule I had to make in order to have enough time to meet up with Finn. Then I occupied myself by cooking breakfast for my parents and Mikey; I even went to the flower shop to get a nice bouquet of tulips for my mom which she loved.

My parents avoided the topic but not Mikey. After we finished cleaning the dishes, he followed me into my room.

'Are you nervous?' he asked, realizing the question was kind of unnecessary.

'I'm all sorts of things.' I muttered, looking at my watch again just to see that only 30 seconds had passed. Not even 10am yet.

'What are you gonna say?'

'No idea. I thought about it last night but there's just no way I can prepare myself.'

'She probably feels the same way.'

'I don't know if that's good or bad.'

'Doesn't matter. It's gonna be over soon.'

He was right. What did it matter? This wasn't meant to be easy. This wasn't meant to make sense. The only reason it had to happen was so we could both move on. So I could finally live my life the way I was supposed to. The way I was supposed to. I reached into the pocket of my jeans, finding the little object in there. It was ridiculous. I had broken so many promises, I didn't have the right to hold on to this one the way I still did. It was time to let go. It was time to say goodbye for good.

Notes