When You & I Were Forever Wild

I heard his name before I saw him and at first I did everything in my power to avoid looking up, knowing that it was him but wishing it wasn't. I had felt safe, hidden away in the coffee shop, after deciding not to go to the signing but unable to stay away. And now, he was standing right in front of me.

Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. I stood there, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to even breathe, staring at him as he stared at me. Weirdly enough, I didn't feel like running. Or crying. Yet. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and kiss him because that's all I knew, all my instincts were programmed to do. But for obvious reasons, I didn't. His olive-colored eyes bored into mine and it was impossible to figure out what was going through his mind. Hell, I didn't even know what was going through mine other than a series of swear words. Say something, anything. Please. What if he just turned around and left? Without a word? Maybe I even wanted that? Just so this would end.

Holy shit, Gerard was here! He was here and I was here and. Fuck.

After what seemed like half an eternity, I could hear someone asking us to move along and it felt like suddenly the earth was moving again even though I didn't want it to. Gerard grabbed his cup and I felt horrified, knowing that he was about to leave. Well, what did you expect, dumbass? That he would jump up and down and sing a song for you? And don't forget that you were the one who didn't want to see him, who was hiding from him, who had cried all night knowing that he was so close, who had lied to her brother just so he would shut up about it and then you had sat in a coffee shop around the corner from where he had been all afternoon.

He picked up my drink as well and walked over to where I had been sitting. At first I was too shocked to figure out what he was doing but when he sat down, placing my Chai on the table opposite of him, my heart slowly picked itself up from the ground and started beating again, violently. Gerard didn't look at me while he waited, he just stared at the empty seat in front of him without moving. I slowly put one foot in front of the other, carefully, because I was scared to fall and wake up, realizing that it had all been a dream, as always. I made my way over to the table, my stomach in a twist. Then, I sat down, facing him once again.

What do you say to the love of your life after ten years? What do you say to someone who used to know everything about you but was now a stranger? What do you say to the person you hurt so deeply but still thought about every day, praying, wishing he would somehow find it in his heart to forgive you? What do you say to the man that had still been a boy the last time you saw him? What do you say? How do you act? I didn't know. And he didn't seem to know either. Still, he didn't look away. There was no hatred in his eyes, actually there were no adverse emotions at all but I still couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. How about him? Was he able to tell?

My hands were shaking as I reached for my cup, just to give them something to do but I still didn't take my eyes off him, studying his face as I watched him do the same with mine.

He hadn't changed much at all. In fact, he looked almost exactly the same. His cheekbones and jawline were more prominent, his shoulders broader; he had a stubble on his chin that gave away the fact that he probably hadn't shaved this morning. He carried himself differently too, not like an awkward, naive teenager but a young man who had life experience. Yes, he looked like the Gerard I used to know, just...manlier and more serious. That spark in his eyes had gone and I had to look away, too hurt by it.

How much longer would I have to endure this silence? I would break it if I could but I wanted him to be the first to speak, probably because I thought he should have that right. I just couldn't believe he was really here, that we were sitting here together.

Together.

'I was hoping I'd see you. I dreamed about you last night.' he finally said, shifting nervously in his chair and his voice was merely a whisper. Something deep inside me clenched in a painful way.

*

I didn't know what else to say. At least it was honest and straight to the point? Why tell her how beautiful she looked or that I liked her hair that way? Why tell her that her drink was getting cold or ask her how she was? Instead I told her exactly what I had thought about all day.

'Yes?' she asked, frowning as though she didn't believe me.

'Yes.' I answered.

Again, we didn't speak for a while and she took a sip of her Chai while I watched her, hoping that I didn't make her feel too uncomfortable. Finn. After all these years she was now within reach, I only had to extend my arm and I could touch hers. I wanted to. Just to let her know it was alright. But there was nothing between us but sadness and so many unspoken words.

'I'm sorry.' she said. Oh no. No no no. Don't apologize.

I felt like choking. 'For what?'

'Being in your dream.'

Had I ever been in her dreams too? She looked like she was about to cry and I wished I could hug her, put my arms around her but there was just no way I could.

'Finn...' she flinched as she heard me say her name and then the moment was over. She got up, grabbing her coat.

'I should go. I-I shouldn't have come.'

I jumped up in panic, not wanting her to leave.

'Please don't go. Please...I know, this is...weird. But please don't go yet.' I pleaded and now a single tear was rolling down her cheek.

'I can't...I can't do this.' and she rushed past me and out the door.

Fuck. What do I do? Run after her? Let her go? She was obviously overwhelmed and so was I but I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. Not after all these years, not after this. So I followed her.

'Wait! Finn!' I called after her and she stopped and turned around. Shit, she was crying, sobbing actually.

And then I realized I was too. I hadn't cried in years. In my sleep maybe, but not like this.

'I'm still doing it!' Finn shook her head in disgust. 'I'm still making you sad. This is not right. I shouldn't still be able to do this to you! That's exactly why I didn't come. That's exactly why I was hiding in there. Because I knew I would hurt you again!'

I grabbed her by the shoulders and she shuddered under my touch. It had exactly the effect I had hoped for.

'Stop it! I told you, I was hoping to see you! And I meant it. I was hoping to see you, every day. Every day since the last time I saw you.'

It was the God's honest truth. Even if I had never wanted to admit it to myself, I knew it. Straight out of Pandora's box, I knew that I had missed Finn.

'I can't do this...not like this. I...' she took a step back, forcing me to let go of her. I know you're freaking out right now, Finn, I know it because I am too. It's okay, it's okay. She looked completely lost and confused, rubbing her forehead with her trembling hand.

There was no point. She was right. We couldn't do this. Not now, not here, not like this. We were both too shaken up, maybe even in shock. I pulled out my notebook and a pen, scribbling down my number.

'I have time tomorrow. Then I'm off to Boston for another signing but I'll be back here on monday. I will make time. Just call me, okay? Please. When you're ready.' I said, handing her the piece of paper.

For a moment I expected her to say no. But then, she wiped her face before nodding.

*

I didn't even remember how I got back to Josh's place because everything seemed so hazy. I kept feeling the piece of paper in my pocket just to make sure it had really happened but I somehow still had doubts. Ashley opened the door to let me in, gasping when she saw my tear-dimmed eyes but not asking any questions. Thank God Max wasn't home from spending the afternoon with his grandpa yet.

Without a word, Josh followed me into the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. He helped me out of my coat but I held on to it and its precious content, too paranoid to let it out of my sight.

'I didn't go.' I said and I could hear him sigh. 'I sat in Starbucks around the corner all afternoon.'

'Finn, this was your one chance to-'

'He came in.' I interrupted and his eyes widened. 'He came in and both our names were called and...he saw me.'

I proceeded to tell him about everything that had happened, everything that had been said and then I pulled out the piece of paper where Gerard had written down his number.

'Holy shit.' Josh muttered and I nodded.

'I don't know if I can do it, Josh. I completely...I panicked. I couldn't speak. I've never felt that way in my life, it was scary!'

'Well I bet it was scary for him too so that kinda helps, right?'

Did it? Actually, it made it worse. Knowing that he was going through all these emotions too and all because of me. Again. It should have ended ten years ago. Why hadn't it? Was it really like Josh had said? Was there really a point to opening old wounds? Was it cathartic or something? He was either talking a lot of bullshit or I was just not able to see it, either way, I regretted it.

'What's the point?' I asked, directing the question more at myself than at Josh but he answered anyway.

'You know, you always told me that what upset you the most was that you couldn't even say goodbye to him back then. That you couldn't talk to him anymore. So maybe this is what you need. Talk to him one last time. Tell him everything you wanted to say for so long. Say goodbye. So you can finally move on. And I know you think that's selfish but I think he needs the same thing. It's pretty obvious.'

If that was true, if Gerard felt the same way, then maybe there was a point after all. Slowly, it dawned on me. This could be exactly what we both needed. To finally talk to each other and stop carrying around ten years worth of emotional baggage. Let go. Move on. Say goodbye. Walk away. Whatever you wanted it call it. And if he was too upset then why did he want to see me again? Did he want a chance to talk about it all in order to get some closure too? If so, I had to meet up with him, I owed him that much.

'I guess. But it's gonna be really hard.'

'Yes. Yes it will be.' Josh nodded, pulling me into a hug.

I had my doubts that I would actually be able to sit down and talk to Gerard, have an actual conversation with him. Today I had been caught off guard but I knew that being in his presence would have the same effect on me even if I came prepared. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

*

My mom knew exactly that something had happened when I sat down at the table, not even acknowledging the fact that she had cooked my favorite dinner. I was starving and it smelled delicious but I couldn't eat. Aware that everyone was staring at me, I decided it was best to just tell them.

'I saw Finn today.' I said and my mom dropped her fork in shock, making everyone else flinch.

'WHAT? Where? Was she at the signing? I didn't see her.' Mikey replied.

'No. No, she was sitting in the Starbucks around the corner.' I answered.

'Did she see you? Did you talk to her?' my mom wanted to know, sounding far more sensitive than Mikey.

'Yeah. Not a lot though. I guess it was all a bit....too much. For both of us. But I gave her my number, asked her to call me whenever she's ready to talk.' I remembered her tears and my own, suddenly not so hopeful anymore. 'I don't think she's gonna call though.'

'You don't know that. Maybe it will take her a few days but I think she's going to call.' my mom said, reaching out to touch my hand in a reassuring gesture.

The Finn I had known ten years ago would call for sure. But fact was, I didn't know her anymore. People changed, things had happened, awful things that scarred a person, and it was way too obvious how scarred she was. The worst thing I had seen in her eyes was the fear that I could hate her and even though I had tried my best to show her that I could never hate her, I wasn't sure if it had worked. I needed one more chance to tell her in case it hadn't.

I excused myself and headed upstairs, not wanting to talk about it anymore. There was no need to explain my feelings, even if I could. My parents and my brother had been there, they had seen it all. I had woken them up every night with my screaming and crying, I had worried them with my behavior, getting into fights at school, getting too drunk on the weekends, not really eating, not really looking after myself. Even in moments of denial I hadn't been able to fool them, just like I wasn't able to fool them now.

This was definitely an emergency, I thought as I pulled out my phone and dialed Dr Goldstein's number. It was a sunday but still, he had told me to call anytime. We talked for a while and I told him about what had happened with Finn, what had happened with Jen, that I was anxiously waiting for Finn's call even though it had only been a few hours while I was deliberately avoiding Jen's. I was not making sense, just throwing up thoughts and feelings that I had kept hidden in front of both Jen, Finn and my family. Dr Goldstein mostly listened, obviously not wanting to interrupt, aware of how important this was.

'I just don't know what to do?! I need to talk to Jen but I can't. I want to talk to Finn but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.'

'You know it is. It can help you resolve things. And then you'll be ready to talk to Jen. It's the route you have to take.'

'Is it normal to feel like this after ten fucking years?' I had asked him that question so many times before and still didn't have an answer.

'Yes and no.' there we go again. 'You need this though. It's the best and the worst thing that could have happened.'

It was certainly the weirdest thing that could have happened. Yes, I had been honest although I still couldn't think of the reason for my honesty, when I had told Finn that I had hoped to see her. In my dream she had shown up at my signing but of course in my dream I hadn't had to deal with what it all meant. That didn't make it any easier though and the gravity of it was hard to admit to myself.

'Try to be as straight forward as you can. Don't think about what it should be like, think about what you need to say. And yes, it will hurt. Both of you. It's probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But you have to do it.'

Thanks for the free encouragement, I thought.

After ending the call, I got up from my bed and walked over to my old closet. There it was, Pandora's box. The real deal, not a metaphor. I had kept everything but I was only looking for one thing.

Notes

I'm SO curious and excited to hear your thoughts on this chapter!