When You & I Were Forever Wild

There was a knock on the door and before I could even say 'NO!' Josh opened the door and marched into the room.

'You okay?' he asked but I shot him an angry look.

I hadn't spoken a word to him on our way back and had gone straight into my room, avoiding any confrontation. For a few hours, Max had kept him busy but now that he was in bed, I knew it was time for Josh to try again and this time, I couldn't escape. I was still mad but most of all, I was confused.

'No.' I muttered, picking up the comic I had bought earlier. Gerard's comic. 'You KNEW! And you took me there on purpose so I would see it! And don't even try to deny it! How could you do this to me?'

'I knew about the comic, I didn't know about the signing, I swear.'

'Ughhhhhhhh.'

'Finn, I really didn't know. I just wanted you to know about this-' he pointed at the comic. '-because I thought you'd be a little bit happier knowing that he ended up doing what he loves. That he's successful. That he fulfilled his dream of publishing his own comic.'

His words brought tears to my eyes and I immediately felt ashamed because I knew he was right. It was almost scary how overwhelmed I was, just looking down at the cover with his name printed on it, knowing he had accomplished this, knowing that the story and the characters he had started creating such a long time ago were finally out there, for everyone to cherish as much as I had cherished them with him. I was happy for him, of course. All I wanted was for Gerard to be happy. Still, my heart was breaking all over again.

Josh sat down and put his arm around me. 'I didn't know about the signing. I would never do that to you because I know how confusing and scary it must be. But Finn...I really think you should go and see him.'

Was he out of his mind?! I felt sick just thinking about the possibility.

'No! No, no way.' I said, pushing his arm off me and jumping up from the bed.

'Why not?'

'Why not?! Are you insane? I have no right to go there! I have no right to just...show up like OH HI GERARD, remember me? Your girlfriend from ten years ago? The one you planned your future life with and then she just disappeared after aborting your child? Heeey, how are you? Sign this for me please?' I was getting loud while I started pacing around the room but I didn't care. 'Yes, Josh. I bet he would looooooove to see me.'

'Finn, calm down!' he said with a fierce voice. 'It's not like what happened was your fault! And Gerard knows that! I don't think for one second that he wouldn't want to see you.'

'It wouldn't be fair!'

'It wouldn't be fair?'

'I don't have the right to tear open old wounds! I don't have the right to do this to him!' I had started crying and Josh got up again, trying to hug me.

'You do have the right though. These are your old wounds too. And you know, sometimes you have to make them bleed again to make them heal properly. I think you need this. So you can finally move on.'

'I've moved on!'

'Oh really? For fuck's sake Finn, you can't even talk about him without crying and you wanna tell me you've moved on? Please!'

There was so much I wanted to say but how could I make him understand? I didn't even understand it myself. Ten years later and my heart was still broken. Ten years later and I still felt so lost without him. Ten years later and I still had all these feelings that were only waiting to surface whenever I was reminded of Gerard. I was pathetic. And stupid and weak and I couldn't face him, knowing that it would hurt him, even if it hurt me just the same.

'I rather not see him. Because I wouldn't be able to handle it. To see how much he hates me. I rather think of him as happy. I rather think that he has forgotten about me.' I sniffed, the pain howling within me as if to agree with my words.

'But he hasn't.' Josh whispered, opening the comic book and skipping two pages before handing it to me.

To Finn, thank you for being my superhero.

*

'Excited about New York?' Jim asked me and all I could do was shrug.

I honestly didn't know how to feel about it. There was some excitement, yes. Mostly because I was signing at the biggest comic book store in the city, with several hundred people expected to show up. I was excited because back when I had lived and studied there, this place had been my comic mecca, and I had tried on numerous occasions to get a job there during college, always intimidated and convinced I wasn't 'cool' enough when they rejected me. And now THEY wanted me to come and sign there, yes they had literally begged me and I gotta admit that just because I was in the position to keep them waiting, I had. It was satisfying and stupid.

But now, I was of course very excited, even though my stomach felt queasy with anxiety at the same time. I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason for it and I also knew there wasn't just one. My family showing up, for starters. The fact that I had to talk to Mikey about Jen although I was so angry with him and would prefer not to see him at all. Then, naturally, I was also nervous about being exposed to the past that I had been trying to escape. What if people showed up who would confront me with it?

And as scared as I was, a part of me hoped that one particular person would come and see me.

Why would she though? She had no reason for wanting to see me. I didn't even know where she was or if she knew I would be there but every time I went back to New York, I found myself scanning the faces in the crowds for hers. It didn't make any sense because knowing Finn, she would avoid this place as much as I wished I could. We could have lived here together, we would have lived here together. From the moment I had began sketching the sights of the city into my notebook for her 13 years ago, it had been ours. Everything reminded me of her and that was painful; and it probably was just as painful for her so why would she come?

I had dreamt about it last night. Finn showed up at my signing but in my dream, she simply acted as though she didn't know me and when I jumped up and called after her, she didn't even hear me, she just walked away. The only purpose and meaning of this dream was to make me more anxious and I cursed myself for not taking an Ambien because I knew it would have avoided it.

'Dude, it's gonna be awesome! Got some old girlfriends you can call up?' he winked. Ugh.

I ignored his comment and to my relief, I could tell he had gotten the hint. After Finn and before Jen, 'girlfriends' were pretty much just girls I'd fuck to forget about stuff. Which in retrospect seemed completely idiotic since it had the exact opposite effect. It made me aware of how meaningless everything was compared to what Finn and I had shared and that made me depressed, knowing that I probably would never find that again with a girl. I guess I kept trying anyway even though I went about it the wrong way.

Had she found someone new? Someone that had helped her forget about me? Or had she forgotten about me the minute she had left Belleville? As ridiculous as that seemed, I couldn't help thinking that it was a possibility too. Not because she had wanted to but simply because she'd had to.

Sometimes I wished I could just see her once, just to make sure she was happy.

*

'Well, if I were you, I'd go.' Ashley said and I narrowed my eyes at her.

After Josh had given up trying to convince me to go to Gerard's signing tomorrow, she had taken over, using a different method. Instead of desperately trying to make me see the benefits of going to see him, she had let me talk, listening to my arguments and reasons not to go. She didn't know the story as well as Josh but she knew enough and even though she couldn't give me any useful advice, at least I was able to get it all off my chest.

'You're not me though. And before you start pretending that you know what I'm going through, stop! Because you don't.'

'Then explain it to me so I can understand.'

Explain it? How on earth could I explain it? I had tried so many times, on different occasions. I had tried to for myself, by writing it down. I had tried to tell various therapists at the hospital and later at rehab when I was battling my eating disorder. They had made me paint silly pictures and write silly poems in order to cope and most of the time I had just rolled my eyes at them. I had told myself over and over that there were people there with REAL problems and that again, I was simply too weak to deal with my petty ones myself. And maybe I had been right? After all, here I was, ten years later, still weak, still not able to explain it.

'You know that special toy or blanket you had since you were a child and even though it has no value other than the sentimental one, you're still not able to throw it away? That special place you love to return to? That one song that makes you feel so alive? Or your favorite food or candy that just reminds you of home? All these things that hold the most precious memories?' Ashley nodded and I closed my eyes for a brief moment. 'I didn't have any of that. I had Gerard. He was all of that to me. He was always there. Ever since I was four years old and his family moved into the house down the street from us, he was a constant in my life. We went to elementary school together, we went to junior high together. In 7th grade, I fell in love with him and at first I didn't even notice because it just felt so...normal. It took three more years for us to figure out we were meant to be together. He was the first boy I kissed, he was the first boy I slept with, he was my first everything. And I know what you think. We were 16! How serious could it have been?! Why is she still not over him?!'

'That's not what I think, Finn.' Ashley assured me.

'He was my first and it feels like he also was my last. Because no one ever made me feel the way he did. But that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is that I don't get to enjoy the precious memories I have of him. I don't get to think about them and smile. My mom took that away from me. When she-' I swallowed hard and I could tell Ashley was feeling uncomfortable too. '-when she did what she did.'

The room was silent for a while and it seemed like both of us knew that there was nothing left to say. There was no point either. Why hash it over, again and again?

'So you're definitely not going?' she asked carefully.

I shook my head and got up, picking up my water bottle.

'You know, maybe he thinks he wants to see me again. But he doesn't.'

The pain in my chest was getting unbearable so I went to bed, hoping that I could sleep it all away. Instead, I cried into my pillow, wishing for a bottle of sleeping pills, wishing for Josh, Ashley and Max to stop existing so I could kill myself without feeling guilty, wishing for an easy way out. Gerard thought I was a superhero? I was weak. I was nothing. I was empty.

*

I was standing outside the back entrance of Midtown Comics, smoking my third cigarette while Mikey was leaning against the wall in front of me, biting his lips.

'Dude, I'm sorry. I thought she knew! Especially when I saw your little note in the comic.'

'She didn't even read my comic yet.' I said, not able to disguise my irritation. She probably never would either, given the fact that she thought it was 'stupid'.

'Well I didn't know! How many times do I have to tell you? Plus, she sounded really upset when she called me.'

'And you didn't think that maybe you would upset her more? Ugh Mikey. Just don't get involved again, understood?'

'Are you two okay?' he asked, looking browbeaten.

'I don't know. We haven't really talked about it yet. I have that to look forward to for when I get home.'

'I'm sure it'll be alright. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong.'

'Whatever.' I mumbled, stubbing out my cigarette.

I didn't want to think about it too much right now, the signing was about to start and I had to put my best smile on. A lot of people were already queuing outside the building and I wasn't going to disappoint them.

'Are you ready, honey? This is so exciting!' my mom beamed and my dad patted me on the back.

'Sure. Can't wait. Yesterday was pretty awesome too.' I said.

'We're so proud of you.' my dad replied.

'I couldn't have done this without you. I hope you know how grateful I am.' I really meant it although I made it sound a little insignificant, simply because I felt so awkward about all this.

The idea for this comic, the sketches, everything I had worked on for so long, it was finally out there, for everyone to see. Even though I was proud of my accomplishment, I also felt like it was less special now that it wasn't my dream but my reality now. Maybe it should have been the other way around but I couldn't help it. Or maybe it was because I had envisioned my life so differently altogether that now the pieces just didn't fit perfectly anymore. That it looked only somewhat 'right' but not quite.

Ten minutes later, I sat down at the signing table and the door opened, letting the first round of people enter the store. Another thing that felt incredibly awkward. I was a published comic book writer now. And all of these people, teenagers and adults, boys and girls, people who had read pretty much every issue of every comic, people who had never read a comic before, until they had picked up mine; people who were exactly like me. All of a sudden, they wanted MY autograph, they wanted to meet ME. As someone who had collected and worshipped every one of his favorite writers and artists, I felt so inadequate and I couldn't understand that I was someone's favorite writer and artist now. I wasn't worthy.

I signed for over two hours, making sure everyone got their personalized signature, a picture, was able to ask me questions. A lot of people wanted to know whether or not art school was worth it and I told them it definitely was. Some kids even went to SVA and we talked about our favorite and least favorite teachers.

Of course Finn didn't show up and even though I hadn't expected her to, it was still a disappointment.

Afterwards, I had a brief chat with everyone at the store before saying goodbye and they invited me back for the release of the follow-up series which I was already working on. My parents and Mikey had already left, insisting that they had to prepare a special dinner for me although I protested. So I decided to have a quick coffee before taking the subway to Brooklyn.

Today was a weird day, I thought, as I entered Starbucks. I placed my order and paid, waiting for it to be prepared, luckily there was no one in front of me. I was tired and had a headache.

'A tall Chai Latte with soy milk for Finn!' the barrister called out and my head jerked up.

I watched as a tiny brunette girl got up from her seat by the window, making her way over to pick up her drink. I held my breath, denying what I already knew. It couldn't be. Wait? Oh shit.

And then-

'A venti Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot of espresso for Gerard!'

We both froze as our eyes met for the first time in ten years.

Notes

DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't wait to share this chapter with you!
And yes, I know, you probably hate me for ending it here but I hope that means I got you even more excited for the next chapter :)))