When You & I Were Forever Wild

Max giggled as he stepped into another puddle, his wellies thankfully protecting him from getting his feet and pants wet, although my jeans were already covered in sludge from where he had splashed me. Not that I cared. I enjoyed spending time with my nephew even if it meant getting dirty and after all it was my own fault for not wearing my boots but instead slipping into Ashley's old sneakers this morning. I wasn't cut out for this weather anymore.

'Are you excited for your birthday, Max?' I asked him as we continued walking. 'Who have you invited to your party?'

'A looooot of people! Mommy and daddy and you and Collin and Jordan and Adam and Hollie and Leigh and Zac and' he took a deep breath. 'Maybe Joanna.'

'Wow! That's gonna be a huuuuge party!'

'And grampa is taking me to the zoo!' he smiled and I returned the smile even though I immediately felt a lump in my throat at the mention of my father.

'That sounds fun.'

'Auntie Finn? I like it when you're here.' he then said as we stopped in front of the preschool.

He looked sad and I felt guilty, guilty for not being here more often, guilty for feeling so distanced from this place, even my family sometimes. I loved him with all my heart and it hurt to admit it but although Josh, Ashley and Max were bringing so much joy to my life, being with them also made me sad and thoughtful. I wished it was different; I tried so hard, each time I visited.

'Me too.' I leaned down and picked him up, hugging him tightly and he threw his arms around my neck.

As I walked back I wondered whether or not my mother felt guilty too. Did she know how severe the consequences of her actions were? She undoubtedly knew about my two suicide attempts shortly after she had sent me away, she probably also knew about my bulimia that had started soon after that. But was she aware that even after I had recovered from all that, it still hadn't been over and it never would be? That even though I had met several really lovely guys in college, I had been unable to let any boy close to me, neither emotionally nor physically; that it had taken me years until I finally had and it only 'worked' because I pretended to be someone I wasn't. That I was confronted with the past constantly, no matter what I did in order to get away from it and that it tore me apart every time. And was she aware of the fact that even though I loved the family I still had, I didn't feel like I was part of it, mostly because I couldn't help thinking about the family I could have had if she hadn't destroyed it.

Did she think about Gerard and his family? Everything they had to go through because of what she had forced me to do? Even though he probably hated me now, the boy I had known back then would have suffered too and she was responsible for that. It was her fault that he now regretted ever meeting me and loving me. That I meant nothing to him now. That was actually worse than anything else. She had ruined so many lives. So many good things.

Did she feel guilty? Had she considered all that back then when she had dragged me into the clinic? Or had she been too selfish, was she still too selfish now, to even care? To even regret it? I had learned a lot about forgiveness in rehab but all I wanted was for her to suffer like I did. It was wrong and it didn't make me feel better knowing that she probably did but I was too bitter to forgive and too hurt to forget.

And I had given up on ever coming to terms with the past.

*

I sat in the parking lot, smoking a cig while staring down at my phone, rereading the text Jen had sent me just a few minutes ago.

So you can't talk to me about your 'issues' but you are paying a therapist shitloads of money to listen to you? WTF Gerard? I can't believe you've been lying to me! You know, I'm starting to ask myself what else you've been lying about. Are you even on a tour to promote your stupid comic or are you meeting up with FINN? You're such an asshole.

What to address first, hmm? The fact that she had opened my mail and found a bill from Dr Goldstein? That's probably what happened. Yup, the fact that she had the audacity to accuse me of not trusting her enough to tell her about my 'issues' when she was doing THAT? And why couldn't she understand that I wasn't seeing a therapist because I couldn't talk to her, it was because I needed actual, professional help and an objective opinion from someone that didn't judge me. Much less the fact that I was going to therapy for US. To make our relationship better. To be able to be the boyfriend she needed and wanted me to be. But of course she didn't understand and neither had I expected her to and that was exactly why I had kept it a secret.

Then obviously, my 'stupid comic'. Fair enough, she most likely didn't mean it and had only said it because she was angry but still, it brought back my insecurity. Now that I was successful with it, was making serious money with it, was going places, meeting people; everyone including Jen was thrilled about my career. But ever since I was a little boy, ever since I had considered becoming a comic book artist and writer, people had joked about it. By the time I had graduated I had stopped caring and when I met Jen I had already scored a job at Dark Horse and had submitted the first draft for The Umbrella Academy. We had screwed around for a while and we had both wanted it that way but the minute it became obvious that the comic would be a huge success, Jen all of a sudden 'wanted more'. Whether or not it was due to the fact that my hard work and determination made her realize that I was serious boyfriend material or because I started earning a lot of money and got invited to all sorts of events - until now I had never once questioned her motives. And why would I? She had been supportive and encouraging, she had made it very obvious how proud she was of me even though comics weren't 'her thing' at all.

But for her to call it 'stupid' was still hurting me. And naturally, I thought about Finn since she had been the first one I had shared my story and my characters with, the first one who had seen my art. She would have never called it stupid. Not even out of spite because she knew how much it meant to me.

Jen was jealous of a ghost. That's all Finn was these days. A ghost that was still haunting me. Although I understood Jen's anger and jealousy, she had nothing to worry about. Why would I meet up with Finn? Why now, after all these years?

'Yo, you're ready to go?' Scott asked me and I was more than glad that he and Jim had finally decided to join me.

'Sure.' I muttered, putting away my phone and finishing my cigarette.

*

I spent the day preparing the decorations for Max' party. Since I 'had an eye for details' according to Ashley, it had been my assignment at every family event and I was happy to do it too. Josh was at training and Ashley was working in the shop so I had enough time to also pick up a few things we still needed.

Even though I already had a few small gifts, I still wanted to find something special, so in the afternoon, Josh suggested a trip to Midtown Comics, where he took Max a lot these days.

'He likes Batman and the Hulk. But obviously he can't read them yet, he's just looking at the pictures. But one of these action figures, maybe?' Josh said, pointing at the glass cabinets along the walls as we entered the store.

The place was huge and since I immediately associated comics with Gerard, I wondered if he had ever been in here before. Most likely, but an unpleasant feeling in my chest told me to dismiss the thought and so I did. I followed my brother over to the action figures and he showed me the ones Max already had before telling me he would check out the graphic novels, leaving me to look through the assortment. Wow, an 18-inch Batman action figure! Max would love that but Josh would probably flip shit because it was so over-the-top. But even I got excited, since the classic Batman series were pretty much the only thing I was excited to watch as a child, thanks to Josh who had introduced me to it. For a four-year-old though? What would a little boy do with an 18-inch action figure, he wouldn't really be able to play with it. So I kept looking, amazed by the selection on display.

Yes, Gerard would have really loved it in here.

After about 15 minutes, Josh returned with a stack of comics.

'Found something?' he asked just as I decided on a retro-style Batman and Robin set that included the Batmobile. 'Oh nice! He's gonna love that!'

Great! I wasn't so useless at buying gifts for my nephew after all. We went to pay and while the guy was scanning our items, my gaze wandered to the new releases that were displayed on the counter. Maybe I should start reading comics again? I had read a lot of Gerard's back in the day and had gone through Josh's collection as well, always thinking about how I should start my own. I picked up one of the issues and studied the cover. The Walking Dead. Hmm. Zombies. I used to know a boy who was obsessed with zombies. Shaking my head, I put the issue back. And then, my heart stopped as the cover of the comic next to it caught my eye.

The Umbrella Academy by Gerard Way.

I gasped involuntarily, almost dropping my purse.

'Finn?' my brother's voice seemed to come from far away and I hardly registered it as I stared at the letters that spelled out his name. No, it couldn't be. It couldn't be him.

I picked up the comic, inspecting it closely as though it wasn't even real. His comic? His very own comic book? I opened it, scanning the pages, still doubting what I was seeing. But surely, there they were. His characters. Gerard's characters. The ones I had watched him draw into his sketchbooks ten years ago, the ones he had told me about late at night when I'd asked him to tell me a story because I loved his creative mind. Holy shit.

'You wanna add that? It's really good. Definitely one of my favorites. Way is a genius.' the guy behind the counter said, making me snap out of my daze. I nodded, handing him the comic.

Was that really a good idea? I turned around to look at Josh who was obviously biting his tongue. Ugh, fuck.

'He's doing a signing here tomorrow. You should come.' the cashier said, handing me the bag with my purchases and pointing at the poster behind him. It also featured the cover of the comic as well as big red letters written across it, announcing the date and time of the event. I felt like throwing up.

*

'What do you mean you've never paid for sex.'

'I never paid for sex.'

'Oh come on.'

'Why is that so surprising?'

'It's not, Gee. Scott, look at him. He's the kind of guy who walks into a club and at least half the women in there would drop to their knees and offer to blow him right there for free.'

'Well...thanks. That's gross and also super misogynic. Also I don't go to clubs.'

'Oh grow up, Gerard. Also, it's not about HAVING to pay for it. It's doing something that's kinda not okay but doing it for the thrill.'

'Like shooting heroin?'

'That's illegal.'

'Well I rather shoot heroin than fuck a hooker.'

'Please don't shoot heroin.'

Scott waved at the bartender, ordering another round but I got up from my chair, already way too drunk to even stand up straight.

'Right I'm off to shoot heroin. See you guys in the morning.' I said, obviously joking. 'Put it on my tab.' I told the bartender.

'It's only 10!' one of them called after me. Whatever.

Ignoring Scott and Jim's protests, I exited the hotel bar, making my way over to the elevators. What a bunch of idiots they could be, I thought. How was I immature for thinking it was wrong to pay for sex? And how did they think it was simply because I could have it for free and not because it was disgusting and entirely about exploiting women? Oh well, maybe I was being uncool but whatever. I rolled my eyes as I swiped my key card and let myself into the dark, cool hotel room. There was no need to think about this, we were all immature in a way, especially in this state.

We'd be leaving for New York tomorrow morning and my parents and Mikey would come to my signing at Midtown at 2pm. After that I would stay with them since I had the next day off before we continued on to Boston. As anxious as I was about confronting Mikey and enduring my mom's 'We never see you these days!' speech, I couldn't deny that I was looking forward to spending some time with them, enjoying my mom's home-cooked pasta, sleeping in my old room and going through my old stuff that I still kept there because I knew Jen wouldn't approve of me decorating our apartment with Hobbit swords and Star Wars figures.

Maybe I should do it anyway, just to annoy her. Then she'd break up with me for sure. I had considered calling her earlier but had decided against it. Now, being as drunk as I was, I couldn't even figure out what time it was in Portland but to be honest, I didn't want to talk to her anyway. I'd say things I'd regret in the morning and it would only give her an excuse to send another one of her angry texts, tell me more about how much of an asshole I was for not trusting her and what not. Maybe I was an asshole. Probably. But what the fuck did she know? Ugh. I hated the fact that I had promised her we would talk about everything when I got back. Why had I done that? There were only two possible outcomes now. Either we would have both calmed down by the time I returned to Portland and we could actually figure out a way to make this work, or it would all blow up and we'd have a massive fight and break up. OR we'd have a massive fight which would end in angry, rough sex and I'd make her enjoy it so much that she'd forget about everything and we'd never speak of it again. Best case scenario. Had worked in the past.

I could hear Dr Goldstein laughing hysterically in my head before I finally passed out.

Notes

Soooooooo........