When You & I Were Forever Wild

'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.' Daniel apologized when he realized I was close to tears.

'No, it's okay. You couldn't have known.' I replied, looking at the photo in my hand.

'How old were you?'

'16.'

'Holy fuck. So that's why you don't talk to your mom?'

'Yeah. After what happened, I just...we both knew that our relationship was pretty much over. Sometimes I ask myself why she even bothered to force me to have the abortion just to send me away right afterwards.'

'Finn, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine how hard it must have been. You really loved him, hmm?' now he was the one hugging me and I felt guilty. He was the one who needed me right now! Not the other way round!

'Yes. Very much.'

'Have you ever thought about looking for him?'

In the first couple of years after moving to San Francisco, I had sent various letters to him, had tried to call him. Secretly of course, since my mother had made sure that my aunt and uncle knew I wasn't allowed to contact him. But the Way's had changed their number and my letters went unanswered, they probably didn't want any more trouble or Gerard simply didn't want to talk to me. Which was understandable. If only I had fought harder, if only I had known that what my mother was doing was illegal and could have gotten her arrested for child abuse, false imprisonment and even homicide, none of this would have happened. But I had let it happen. I had let her do this to me because I had been stupid and weak. After some time I was convinced that he knew this and wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore anyway.

'I was considering it. After college. You know, I had just graduated and I had time. I thought about going back to Belleville and find him. I had it all planned out. Talk to his parents first, then see him. But five years had passed. I thought, why do this to him, you know? I didn't have the right. I wanted him to forget about me. That's actually all I wanted when I left New Jersey. That he would forget about me, forget that I ever existed, and move on.' I told him.

'Have you? Forgotten about him and moved on?' he asked carefully, handing me my wineglass.

'No! I couldn't. And that's why I couldn't just march back into his life like that! Because I knew how much it hurt. Then I started telling myself that it was just a silly little summer romance. I mean we were 16! We were just kids! We were having fun! How serious could it have been, right? We were only together for a few months. That worked for a while and I had a boyfriend and I was happy, in a way.'

Until my brother and his wife had a child. Yes, when Max was born, when I became an aunt, when I held my nephew in my arms for the first time, saw Ashley breastfeed him and Josh fuss over him, that's when I knew I had been lying to myself. I was crying in their bathroom as I remembered everything, Finding out I was pregnant and telling Gerard, his promise to me, our promise to each other. The moment we decided to keep the baby. The last night we spent together and waking up to his kisses in the morning. Telling his parents, feeling relief that they agreed to support us and then the horror when we told my parents. My mother sending Gerard away before she slapped me and locked me into my room. Driving to the clinic, listening to the doctor, lying down on that table, in a trance-like state, waking up thinking I had just given birth, looking for Gerard and finding out that I would never see him again. Feeling empty and the realization that I would never feel whole again.

'I talked to my brother when he found me. And he told me that shortly after I had left, Gerard and his family moved away. He also told me that he could find him for me if I wanted that but I told him no. Every time I visit him I can tell he wants to talk to me about it but I don't let him. At least I've stopped lying to myself, now I'm just embracing the sadness, I guess.'

'Maybe you just have to fall in love again. Maybe that's all it takes.' Daniel suggested, trying to sound positive.

'No. I just need to stop hating myself.'

*

I had left for work in the morning without saying goodbye to Jen. After staying up until 4am, trying to get me to talk to her about Finn only to realize that I was too angry and upset, she was still asleep in our bed, while I had spent the remainder of the night on the couch. Wide awake, of course.

Mikey hadn't told her all the details, but enough to make her question our relationship and my feelings and I cursed him for it, not knowing where to go from here. Yes, I knew that I hadn't been able to move on, and yes, I knew that was concerning after ten years, especially because I hadn't talked to Finn, hadn't seen her, didn't even know where she was. But I was working on it! I was seeing Dr Goldstein although Jen didn't know that, I was working on making this work. Now what had happened last night was making me question whether or not it was even worth it. Was Jen willing to wait? Was she willing to be patient with me while I tried my best? I knew she wanted 100% but would 90% be enough until I was able to let go of the past for good?

'Gerard? Are you listening?' my editor brought me back to reality and I looked up, nodding absentmindedly.

'Yeah, sorry. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet.' I said, grabbing my cup.

'Well, it's not like you actually have to work.' he joked. 'You basically just have to sit there and look pretty.'

'That's what I do best.' I forced myself to smile.

'Actually, you do have a couple of interviews but I'm not worried about that. Are you?'

'Nooope.' I shook my head.

What was there to be worried about? I literally just had to sit there, look pretty and talk about comics. Easy peasy. As long as I had coffee or Red Bull or even better, both, I could even handle the lack of sleep. I also had fresh refills for my Xanax and Ambien, just in case. Dr Goldstein had warned me about getting too dependent on the pills but I had come to notice that just having them with me calmed me down.

'Is Mikey coming?' Scott asked.

Ugh. Fucking Mikey. I really didn't want to see him but he would show up for sure, probably unaware of how much trouble he had caused by getting involved in shit that wasn't his business to begin with.

'I guess. My parents are too. You made sure my schedule's clear for the day after, right?'

'Yes sir.'

'Thanks. Not that I really want to spend time with them but I have to. My mom has been calling me non-stop.' I sighed.

'Dude, I'm almost 40 and my mom is calling me non-stop. Don't expect her to stop anytime soon. Especially now that she knows you're going to have less and less time for family. By the way, we also got your pro badges for Comic Con today. You, me, Gabriel, James and Dave.'

'Awesome. Comic Con, I mean. Not my mom.'

Actually my relationship with my parents was relatively good. They had tried their best to help me get back on my feet after that summer, we moved to New York and I switched schools, they supported me all the way during art school and my internship, made sure I had everything I needed, even offered to pay for counseling which I refused. To be honest, I couldn't remember much from these years, I did what I had to do in order to graduate and get a job and as soon as I got the offer from Dark Horse, I had moved to Portland. Apart from my family, there was no one left on the East Coast. I had cut ties with everyone I used to know back in Belleville the minute it was decided we would move away. Ray and Suki, Mark and Lauren, I wondered whether or not they eventually found out what had happened or it if was successfully swept under the carpet by that bitch Mrs Campbell and her gutless husband. Who she was now divorced from, that much I knew.

I wondered whether or not Finn was still talking to them but I very much doubted it. Then again, what difference would it make?

*

It was snowing when I landed in New York, and freezing. Immediately, I missed the Californian sunshine and warmth, the safety of anonymity and able to act on my own terms. No one in LA knew me as well as Josh and Ashley. Not even Daniel, not even now that I had confided in him. I could pretty much be whoever I wanted to be in LA but here, I had to be myself.

'Auntie Finn!' Max squealed as he came running toward me as I exited arrivals. I dropped my bag and caught him in my arms, picking him up.

'Hey little man! Wow, you've gotten heavy.' I kissed his cheek and smiled as he clung to me.

Josh and Ashley were watching, both seemingly excited to see me and I walked over to them to hug them.

'You look skinny, lil sis. Are you turning into one of those Tofu Californians?'

'What are 'Tofu Californians'?' I asked, setting Max down again because he was really too heavy to carry, especially after carrying my own heavy bag through the airport for the last 20 minutes.

'Oh just ignore him, he's being a snob. Here, lemme take that.' Ashley said and I was actually grateful to be able to hand her my things.

'Thanks.' I said, holding back a yawn. I had gotten up early and due to a screaming child in the row in front of me, hadn't been able to catch up on sleep on the plane.

'Are you hungry? We can pick something up on the way.' Josh said as we got into the car.

'Actually, I was hoping I could take a little nap and then take you out to dinner?' I suggested, helping Max into his car seat.

'Oh sure, we can do that. Just let me check with our babysitter.' Ashley said, pulling out her phone.

It took us almost an hour through the after work traffic to get to Greenwich Village, where they had bought a smart little townhouse two years ago. I knew Josh would have preferred Brooklyn but since Ashley owned a little vintage clothes shop in the Village, they had chosen it as their neighborhood in the end. I liked it because it felt as though you had escaped the city, there was a little record store, countless gardens nestled between buildings, various cozy restaurants and a bakery with the most delicious cupcakes that I had ever tasted. Whenever I was visiting, I would also rummage through Ashley's shop, in search of unique and cheap designer clothes and more than once I had to get an extra suitcase just to get my findings back to LA with me. We would take walks with Max or get a slice of pizza and I would document it all with my camera. Yes, it was lovely here but LA was my home now and even though both Josh and Ashley would ask me to consider coming back to the East Coast, as lovely it was to spend time with them, I had found my safe haven somewhere else.

As usual they had prepared the guest bedroom for me and I thanked them and gave Max a kiss, apologizing for being tired.

'Tomorrow morning, I'll take you to preschool, how about that?' I said and he nodded enthusiastically. 'Alright, little booger.'

'Good night, Auntie Finn.' he hugged me once more before running off and I closed the door, relieved to find myself surrounded by the comfortable darkness. My head was pounding due to my tiredness and I fell asleep shortly after curling up in bed.

I wasn't surprised that I dreamed about Gerard. It usually happened when I was here because of the closeness to home, because I would probably be living here with him if we'd still be together, because of Max and because I knew I would most likely see my dad during my stay. Like every time I was here, I felt exposed and vulnerable and that's what made it so easy for the dream to enter my subconscious mind. There wasn't anything profound about it actually, it was just one of these random ones, pictures rather than a movie playing in my head. Gerard and I were sitting in a classroom, being scolded by the teacher for not paying attention and when I looked down, I was pregnant. Gerard and I were walking down the street holding hands and my belly was so huge I could hardly walk but he kept talking about cheese and how he wanted to get home in time to see Twilight Zone and I was laughing because he tried to pick me up and carry me. And as always, I woke up thinking how much I would have preferred a nightmare because at least it would have spared me the sadness that took a hold of me the second I realized that it hadn't been real.

Fuck. It was 1am. They had let me sleep despite our plans to go out for dinner and I felt really bad for already having wasted precious time I could have spent with them. I got up and left my room and to my surprise, I found Josh sitting in the kitchen on his laptop.

'Ugh why didn't you wake me?' I said, opening the fridge to get a bottle of water.

'You were exhausted. We can get dinner another time. There are some leftovers on the bottom shelf, if you're hungry.' he replied and I took out the plate. Yes, I was actually starving.

'Why are you still up?' I wanted to know.

'Just checking flights and hotels - Ash wants to go to away for our wedding anniversary and I was thinking Paris.' he smiled and I sat down while the food heated up in the microwave.

'Nice.' I mumbled, smiling back at him.

He was happy. And even though I wasn't, I was happy for him.

*

'Maybe we should talk about it before you leave.' Jen suggested while she sat on the bed, watching me pack.

'You know what? Maybe we shouldn't.' I tried my best not to sound too harsh but I really wasn't in the mood right now.

'Do you really think it's a good idea that we leave this unresolved? You'll be gone for two weeks.' I could see her point but I still disagreed.

'That gives us both time to think. We can have a fresh start when I come back.'

'You mean, we can pretend it never happened.' she sighed. Ugh. WHY did she have to make it so complicated. Especially since there was nothing to discuss, really.

'Okay listen. I don't know why this is even an issue. Ten years ago, some shit happened in my life. And I'm still not completely over it although I've been trying to get over it, mostly because I love you and I want to be with you. Right now, I'm having a bit of a rough time. I don't know why but surely you must realize that pressuring me like that isn't helping.' I angrily stuffed a few shirts into my suitcase only for Jen to get up and take them out again in order to do it more neatly.

'I'm not pressuring you! I just want you to talk to me!'

'That IS pressuring me.'

'Well maybe it's because I'm scared! That you'll never get over it. I don't want to lose you!' oh great, now she was falling back on emotional blackmail.

'That's not fair, Jen. What have I done? Was I negligent? Was I in any way making you feel like I didn't love you or that I didn't want this? You're acting like I'm the worst boyfriend in the world just because I have some shit to deal with before I'm ready to take the next step. I have to go now. I'll call you when I land in Philly.' I closed my suitcase and gave her a quick kiss before she could protest.

We both knew I had another hour to get to the airport but I just couldn't do this right now. I had a long flight and a busy two weeks ahead of me, if we got into a fight, I would definitely need my meds to keep me going and that was the last thing I wanted.

Why was this so hard for her to understand? Because I hadn't told her right away? Because she had to find out about Finn from Mikey? Well of course, maybe she would have preferred it if I had talked to her about my ex-girlfriend from the beginning, yeah RIGHT. Just to make her more paranoid and make it obvious that I wasn't over her? Who wants that? Plus why did it even matter? I was with her, if I wanted to be with Finn, I would have contacted her by now. In this day and age it wasn't that hard to find people! But NO, I hadn't. So was she just too insecure and paranoid or was I really being insensitive? Ugh. And I had honestly thought that things would get easier as I grew up but it turned out they only got harder.

I had a drink at the airport to calm my nerves but it didn't help so I took a Xanax. Just for the flight, I thought while swallowing the little pill and to my surprise, I fell asleep as soon as we were airborne.

Scott and I were picked up at the airport and on our way to the hotel I called Jen. Our conversation was brief and she sounded cold but I realized that I did too. I had a little snack before passing out again. It was bliss, even though it still wasn't enough to catch up on all the sleep I had missed recently. Maybe some time away from Jen was exactly what I needed. Maybe this time, instead of triggering even worse insomnia, being away from home actually made it better.

I tried not to think about what it meant.

Notes

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