When You & I Were Forever Wild

'Finn, it's your brother on 2!' my assistant said and I thanked her, pressing the blinking button on my phone.

'Josh!' I squealed and was greeted by his infectious laughter.

'Hey lil sis! How's it going?' he asked. As always, it felt good to hear his voice.

'I'm great! Just between shoots. I'm off to Santa Barbara in a bit. How about you?'

'Oh fancy! Well, I have less glamorous news! It's your nephew's birthday in a week.'

'I know, dumbass. I might live on the other side of the country but I haven't forgotten. I already booked a flight. I'll be there on wednesday afternoon.' I replied, looking at the photo of my brother and his little boy. I couldn't believe Max was already turning four!

'Awesome, he's so excited. He keeps asking about Aunty Finn.' Josh chuckled. 'I hope you have a bit more time this time.'

'I'll be there for a week. Although I might have a shoot on the 4th, our Manhattan office asked me to do it while I'm in town. But I told them I have plans with the family and don't know if I can make it.'

'That's sweet of you. I know how busy you are.' he sounded sad all of a sudden and my stomach twisted.

'Hey...I can't wait to see you.' I told him, meaning it from the bottom of my heart.

'Me neither.'

We said our goodbyes and I put down the phone, glancing at the picture once more. Even though I loved my busy life here in LA, I hated the fact that I was so far away from the only family I had left. Josh had been married for almost five years now and I adored his wife Ashley and their little boy. I tried to spend every holiday with them, even if it sometimes meant having to deal with my dad. Our relationship was tense but after he had divorced my mother, we had finally been able to work on mending it, even if the process was slow.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, I got up, shrugging into my jacket and picking up my bag.

'Is everyone ready to go?' I asked my assistant and she nodded, grabbing her things.

I had worked at the magazine for two years now and was responsible for all their interior photography, mostly celebrity homes as well as the occasional editorial photoshoot. It was pretty much my dream job and I had been lucky enough to get opportunities I'd never even imagined. Now we were on our way to visit Jennifer Aniston at her beach house in Santa Barbara and while I had gotten used to meeting and working with famous people, my assistant was nervous and fidgety.

'Kim, you're gonna forget she's a celebrity the minute you meet her. Believe me, she's super cool and nice. No airs and graces. Am I right, Finn?' Daniel, our editor said. He would know, he had interviewed her many times before.

'She's very humble. And makes her own lemonade.' I replied, looking out the window at the passing scenery.

'Still, it's Jennifer fucking Aniston!' Kim gushed.

'Well, it wasn't enough to keep Brad though!' Daniel joked and we protested in unison.

*

I lit a cigarette although it was way too fucking cold to smoke. Would this winter ever end? It was almost March for fuck's sake. My hands were shaking but that wasn't due to the cold but the session I'd just had with my therapist. We had 'broken new ground' according to him but that didn't change the fact that I was anxious about leaving town for two weeks. He had given me his private number for emergencies but still, I couldn't help but feel like this was the worst timing for a therapy hiatus. My insomnia was worse when I was traveling, especially so close to what used to be home.

It had been weird, telling him in detail what my nightmare was about, after all these months of beating around the bush. Not that I wanted to keep it a secret, but I knew that the minute I told him, it was like opening Pandora's box. Dr Goldstein said that was good, I disagreed because I knew he now had a lot more leeway to dig further and further. At first it had been relatively easy for him to find out that I was stressing out because Jen had started talking about getting married and that that had caused the nightmares to come back. Naturally, he had asked me about previous relationships and after telling him about my numerous meaningless flings and One Night Stands, I had made the mistake of mentioning Finn's name and of course he had picked up on it, immediately realizing it was something worth pursuing. Not that he was wrong but I had successfully limited my thoughts about her until that very moment. Now I was thinking about her almost constantly and obviously Dr Goldstein said that was good too because it meant I finally had to deal with things I had suppressed for so long. And try telling a therapist that sometimes it's better to forget and suppress, ha! It's like an invitation to these fuckers. But I wasn't stupid. I knew that everything that was wrong with me and my relationships today was because ten years ago, a girl I loved madly, was taken from me. I knew I still couldn't deal with the fact that her mother had made her have an abortion, had killed our child and had sent her away, leaving me behind. I knew it was all the guilt and shame and regret I felt for letting it happen that kept me awake at night. I knew that deep down inside me, under the pile of crap, there was still a part of me that belonged to Finn Campbell and as long as that part existed, I couldn't move on.

Hopefully, Dr Goldstein would finally help me get rid of this. We had opened Pandora's box, now all we had to do was empty it. Make room for things that I didn't have to dwell on.

'Hey baby.' Jen smiled as I entered our apartment.

I took off my coat and boots before walking over to her. 'Hey.' I kissed her and she put her arms around me.

'How was the meeting?' she asked and let go again, heading back into the kitchen where she was preparing dinner.

No, I hadn't told her about Dr Goldstein. There was no need for her to know that I was seeing a shrink, besides, she believed that everything could be fixed with a cup of herbal tea and meditation. Too bad her 'anti anxiety' tea gave me the worst stomach cramps and her 'sleep well' tea tasted like horse pee. Not that I knew what horse pee tasted like exactly but I wouldn't be surprised if it tasted like this.

'Oh it was good. We just went over our schedule again and Scott gave us the final itinerary.' I lied.

'I'm gonna miss you.' she said, turning around and holding up the wooden spoon, letting me taste her pasta sauce.

'Me you too. That's yummy.' was I lying again? Probably.

*

'Ugh I can't believe he did this to me.' Daniel sobbed, taking another large gulp of wine. 'I seriously thought we would get married someday! And now this!'

'I'm so sorry, Daniel.' I said, putting my arm around him.

It was 3am and Daniel had shown up at my apartment, crying. His boyfriend, a model from Spain, had just confessed to infidelity during a skype call. To be honest, I had known from the start this was gonna happen. The first time I met Claudio, who was just 19, I could tell he was taking advantage of Daniel and his West Hollywood loft, his celebrity contact list and his dick. But when I had voiced my concerns, Daniel just sugarcoated their problems, telling me they were already talking about moving in together.

'I should have listened to you. You were looking out for me and I just didn't listen!'

'No one ever listens when they're in love.' I replied, refilling our glasses.

'Ugh, you're so right. It's like our brains don't function anymore. Why is that?' he asked and I shrugged.

I wish I knew.

'I guess we think when we're in love, we have everything we need. And we become reckless with everything else. Even with ourselves.'

'I don't think I've ever seen you with a guy. Or a girl, for that matter.' he smiled even though he was still sniffing.

'It happens to all of us. And it can be the best thing ever or it can destroy your life. Worst case scenario, is both.' I sighed.

'Did that happen to you?' Daniel asked.

'Kinda. But whatever, let's not talk about me now. You can stay with me for a few days if you want, I need someone to take care of Linus anyway while I'm in New York.' I wandered off topic before he could ask any more questions.

'Oh I'd love to! And I can totally take care of Linus even though he's named after the biggest psychopath in TV history.'

'Hey, don't you hate on Benjamin Linus, he was the best character on Lost and you know it. Plus, he was okay in the end. I mean, Locke even invited him to come into the church with him. He forgave him for killing him!' I told him.

'Only because Locke was a psycho himself!' Daniel laughed and it made me feel so happy to see him in a better mood.

We got up and he followed me into my bedroom where I fetched one of my oversized t-shirts for him.

'There's some fresh linen in the bottom drawer.' I said, pointing at one of my dressers without thinking but it was too late, he had already found it.

'OH! What's that?' oh shit. 'Oh my God, mixtapes!' he had pulled out the box, holding one of the tapes up while reading the playlist.

'Daniel, put that away.'

'No way - did your boyfriend make this for you? There's some good shit on here. Ohhh it makes me wanna listen to it!'

'NO!'

'Why not?' he put the tape down on my bed and sat the box down next to it, reaching in again.

I felt anxious all of a sudden, not wanting him to lay open its contents, not wanting to remember. I had only just moved in last month and hadn't found a place to put it yet where it was safe and where I wouldn't see it. Several times I had been on the verge of throwing it away or burning it but I just couldn't. As painful as it was to look at it, I wanted to hold on to it still.

'Ohhh look at that cutie!' he gushed and I knew he wasn't talking about me. Sure enough, he held up one of the photographs of Gerard and me, a set of four we had taken in a photobooth at the mall. 'Childhood sweetheart?'

More like the only boy I ever loved.

*

I pulled out of her and collapsed next to her and she immediately snuggled up to me. As always, the intimacy made me feel slightly uncomfortable but I didn't let it show. That was one of Dr Goldstein's favorite topics of discussion. Why could I fuck pretty much any girl without feeling shitty about it, why was I able to have perfectly normal, exciting sex with my girlfriend but the minute it was over I felt completely lost. The doc actually said, I was most likely not seeing it as 'emotional act' anymore, that I had detached myself from it and was simply performing the 'physical act' and afterwards it all came crashing down on me, overwhelming me to a point where I was really uncomfortable. I remember looking at him thinking 'What the fuck are you smoking, dude?' - why would I 'emotionally detach' myself? I loved Jen. I loved being with her. I kept telling him but he insisted that that was my problem.

'I love you.' I whispered, kissing her hair. See? I wasn't detached from anything! Fucking Freud and his psycho blah blah.

'I love you too.' Jen said, wrapping herself around me.

A few minutes passed and I thought she had fallen asleep, when suddenly, she lifted her head to look at me.

'Can I ask you something?' she wanted to know and I nodded. She took a deep breath. Oh please, don't bring up marriage again, please, I thought when I noticed her serious expression. 'What if I got pregnant?'

Holy shit, what?

I gasped and sat up, staring at her in horror. 'You're pregnant?!?!' No, no, no, this couldn't be!

'No! No I'm not, Gerard. I was just...I just wanted to know what you thought if I was. We never talked about having kids but you know, things happen.'

'Yeah! Yeah, things happen.' I replied, aware of the bitterness in my voice.

'I guess I have my answer, sorry I asked.' fuck, she looked upset.

I just hadn't been prepared for this. For some reason, ever since we started dating two years ago, I had been naive enough to think that I could just avoid the topic altogether. I didn't comment on it when she told me about one of her coworkers being pregnant, I ignored it whenever she gushed over how cute a baby was on TV. As far as I was concerned, we were just one of those couples who just wanted to have fun and be together, without ever even thinking about children. Or marriage, of course. Wow. I was such an asshole.

'Jen, babe, I just...sorry. I'm just so not ready to even...consider the idea. That's selfish, I know. But you know I worked really hard in the last couple of years to get where I am now and...well...there's just no room for a baby.'

'I get it.' she said, crossing her arms. No, I don't think you do, I thought. 'You don't want to talk about possibly getting married one day, you don't want to talk about possibly having kids one day. Basically, you just want a casual relationship in which I have to give up on MY dreams to fulfill yours.'

Wow. What?

'That's not what I want! Jen, I love you. We live together, for fuck's sake. When I met you, I didn't want anything serious, yes, but I've realized that I actually do. But just because I don't want everything at once doesn't mean I don't want it. I'm 26. You're 24. Like, what's the rush? Is this not enough for you for now?' I asked now getting upset as well.

'I bet you would already be married to Finn. I bet you would already have children with Finn.' she mouthed and my stomach dropped.

How did she know about Finn? How in the fuck did she know about Finn and why the hell did she bring her up now? I started panicking, trying my best not to let it show the look on her face told me that she could see right through me.

'Mikey told me. I called him because you were screaming her name in your sleep. I didn't know what else to do! You wouldn't talk to me! I'm sorry, Gerard but I was just worried.' she answered my questions.

Oh shit on a stick.

Notes

I hope you don't mind the huge time leap but it was the only way that worked for me. You will find out more about what happened in these ten years in the next few chapters :)