'Do you think you'd still be together today?'

'Yes.'

'You sound very sure of that.'

'I am.'

'Why have you never looked for her then?'

Instead of answering my therapist, I started biting my nails. I knew he would pick up on my nervous habit but I didn't care. After all, I was paying him good money to listen to me.

'She wouldn't want to see me.'

'What makes you say that?'

'I ruined her life.'

'You think you ruined her life? That's a weird thing to say, Gerard. You're an adult, you are capable of distinguishing fact and belief. You just told me that you are sure that you would still be together today but at the same time you think you ruined her life? What happened wasn't your fault. It wasn't her fault. And deep down you know that she would never blame you either. Just like you don't blame her.'

Dr Goldstein had a point, as always. I knew it. Yes. But the feeling of guilt and regret was stronger than any logical thought, making me feel shitty, despite everything he'd just said.

If I'd been more careful, none of this would have happened.

----------

I could tell Gerard was uncomfortable. I could tell from the clothes he had chosen to wear, from the way his hair was combed, from how he was picking at his food, shoving it around on his plate while the fingers of his free hand were tapping on the table. He was probably dying to bite his nails, so instead he was biting his lips, chewing on them instead of the food. I felt sorry for him but of course he had agreed to come over for dinner when my parents had invited him.

In the last two weeks, I hadn't felt much different whenever I came to his house, having to face his mom, who knew we were sleeping together. Thankfully, she hadn't said anything to me but I could feel the looks she was giving me, probably wondering what exactly I had done with her son.

'Do you not like the chicken, Gerard? my mother asked and I immediately felt even worse for him.

'It's delicious, Mrs Campbell. I'm just really full already.' he looked at me like a helpless little child and I had the urge to come to his rescue.

'It was one of his coworkers' birthday today and someone bought cake.' I lied for him and he nodded.

'Yeah I ate a lot of cake. But if you don't mind I'll take my leftovers for later.' he smiled at my mom, slightly relieved that I had saved him.

'Oh of course. So how are you enjoying your job?' my mom smiled back sweetly.

She was making an effort, I couldn't deny that. Maybe if only she got to know him a little better, he wouldn't constantly feel like a stranger invading our house. But every time she did start a conversation with him, it felt more like an inquisition.

'It's fun. The best part is that I get to read books and comics before they're released.'

'So they're paying you to read books and comics?' oh dad, why did you have to sound so condescending?

'They're paying me to fetch coffee and make copies so at least Gerard is educating himself.' I countered and he gave me a grateful smile.

'And when someone asks me what a certain book is about or whether or not they should get a certain issue of a comic, I know what to tell them.'

'I see.' my dad mumbled and continued eating without any further comments.

'I'm sorry my parents are being such douchelords.' I said after dinner as we sat in the hammock outside.

'Nah, it's okay. Whatever. Even if they hate me, I'm still gonna move to New York with you and I'm still gonna be their son-in-law one day whether they like it or not.' he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I leaned against him.

'They don't hate you. They're just lame. No one's good enough for them. I don't even think I'm good enough for them and I'm their daughter. Even when Josh got his scholarship, they were still complaining because he got it for his athletic achievements, not his academic. They're gonna flip shit when I tell them I'm going to art school. As far as they're concerned, I'm studying journalism.'

It wouldn't be easy to convince my parents to let me go to SVA, let alone move in with Gerard. But we still had time to prepare ourselves for it. We'd work out a plan once we had our final GPA and sent out college applications. Although I was momentarily feeling slightly anxious about it, I was too happy to worry now.

*

'What's with you?' I asked Ray as he followed me into my room, setting down the bag with vinyls he had brought with him.

'What do you mean?' he grinned and I closed the door.

'Come on now. I'm not stupid. I know there's something going on. Just like you knew something was going on when Finn and I had.....oh shit bro you did it! You totally did it!'

It was obvious he was trying to keep a straight face but he failed so miserably that he ended up with the most ridiculous smile on his face. Woooah Ray Toro! Not that it mattered that him and Suki had done it but now I could finally talk to him about it.

'How was it?' I asked and he laughed at my curiosity.

'It was pretty awesome.' he smiled, looking smug. Oh Ray Toro.

I wondered if Finn and Suki had talked about our first time too. Well, I was actually sure they had, but Ray wasn't so willing to share any details which was fair enough, I hadn't exactly shared my Captain Cumquick experience with him either. Even though it had been the first and only embarrassment so far. However, 'It was pretty awesome' was literally the only thing I could get out of him.

'Dude, my mom knows.' I told him and his eyes widened.

'Are you shitting me?'

'Not shitting you, bro. She found a condom wrapper in my laundry. Must have fallen out of my pants or something. But guess what, she's not even mad. She let me spend the night with Finn and she covered for us the other day, telling the Campbells Finn was having dinner with us and then her and my dad went out for dinner, so Finn and I were alone for two whole hours.' I beamed.

'Sweet!

'I know! Ugh but you don't even have to worry about shit like that. Suki's parents are never home and your parents let you do whatever you want.'

'She's still super paranoid though. But I guess that makes it more fun.'

He had a point. Sneaking around was a thrill that I had learned to love. It made it even more special, even more exciting and it made me appreciate every minute with her even more. Still, I hated being 16 instead of 18. I hated that I was still in High School. I hated that I had to wait two more years before I could finally do whatever I wanted, with no one to answer to, able to enjoy Finn's presence 24/7. And we'd live in OUR apartment. And we'd sleep in OUR bed. And we'd brush our teeth side by side in OUR bathroom every morning, every evening. And we'd make crappy, cheap food in OUR kitchen and study together in OUR living room. No, let's be real here, we'd probably have a tiny room and she'd have to sleep on top of me (which of course would be totally okay with me) because there would literally be no space. And it would be the best thing ever.

'Are you daydreaming about New York again?' Ray interrupted and I nodded, still absentmindedly.

*

I sat at my desk, chewing on my pen. Only three weeks left, Finn, you can do this. You will survive the boredom and the fact that no one even acknowledges you or your possible skills because the most challenging task so far was writing a headline for an article about a local fair. Just concentrate on the good things, I told myself. You're meeting up with Suki after work, you're picking up the present for Gerard and then you're gonna surprise him with it. Just a couple of minutes.

'You can leave, Finn.' my boss called from his office and I jumped up, already stuffing my things into my bag.

I had borrowed Gerard's car for the day and had exactly one hour at the mall before I had to pick him up at Barnes & Nobles when he finished his shift. It took me ten minutes to get there and Suki was waiting outside, waving as I parked the car.

'Ray won't let me drive his car. I'm so mad.' she said and I laughed.

'Wasn't his car super expensive though? I wouldn't let you drive it either. Hell, I wouldn't let you ride my bike.'

'Shut up, I'm hungry. Do we have time for a bite to eat?'

We chose Taco Bell and sat outside on a bench while we ate.

'So how's it going with the sex?' I asked and she almost choked on her quesadilla.

'It's going great with the sex.' she laughed once she had recovered.

Suki had called me the minute Ray had left and had told me every detail about their night together, even when I told her that I didn't want to know. I was more than surprised that after three nights with him, she seemed to know more than I did. Compared to them, Gerard and I were apparently taking it slow. Did she want to prove something or was she just being Suki? Sometimes, I couldn't tell with this girl.

We headed for the jeweler's where I had chosen something special for Gerard and myself. I wanted him to know that I was taking our promise seriously, I wanted him to know that no matter what happened, I was his and he was mine and one day we would get married. So I picked out rings and had them engraved with our initials, as well as the word 'promise'. He had no idea and I hoped that he would like it.

'He's gonna love it!' Suki said as I showed her the rings. 'Awww it's like you're getting engaged. Wait, are you?'

'No! It's like...a promise to get engaged. Like getting engaged is a promise to get married.'

'So it's a pre-engagement? We have to celebrate!' she squealed and a few people gave us weird looks.

'If he says yes!'

'Ugh, of course he is. He'd probably marry you right now if he could.'

She was right. He would. And I would too.

We headed to the bathrooms and I waited while Suki disappeared into a stall. In my mind, I was already picturing the scene. We'd most likely end up crying like idiots and then we would make out and that would lead to hot sex. I smiled at myself in the mirror, my stomach already releasing all the butterflies.

'Shit. Finn? You got a tampon?' Suki asked from inside the stall.

'What?' I asked back, returning to the here and now.

'A tampon. You know the things you put up your vaj when you have your period?'

Ugh, I know what a tampon is, idiot. I grabbed my bag and searched through it, still preoccupied by my daydreams. Tampon, tampon, tampon.

'Here.' I said, handing her a Tampax from under the door.

Wait a second. My stomach dropped as I realized something. Feeling sick with sudden anxiety, I searched my bag for my diary, my hands shaky as I pulled it out and opened it. Skipping through the weeks and counting the days, I began to panic. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh SHIT. No. Please no. NO!

The diary fell to the floor as I headed in the unoccupied stall and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl.

*

Why the fuck was Suki driving my car? I was ready to complain when I saw Finn's shockingly pale face next to her in the passenger seat.

'What's wrong?' I asked as Suki got out, handing me my keys.

'She's not feeling well. Think it was the Taco Bell we had. Sorry, she couldn't drive.' she answered and I walked around to open the door. Holy shit, she looked like a ghost.

'Baby, what's the matter?' I leaned down to her and took her hand which was ice cold.

'Just feeling sick. Can we go?' she whispered and the way she looked at me got me really worried.

'Sure, sweetie.' I kissed her forehead and squeezed her hand before heading over to climb behind the wheel.

I had never seen Finn sick and it made me feel dreadful because there was nothing I could do. I grabbed her hand again while I drove carefully, to avoid her being sick again. After dropping Suki off, I took her home with me, helping her out of the car and sitting her down on the couch in our living room. She was shaking and as I sat next to her and put my arm around her, I could see tears in her eyes.

'Finn? What's wrong? Is it that bad? You want me to call your mom?' I asked but her eyes widened in panic.

'NO!' she replied.

'Okay. But I don't want anything to happen to you. If you're really feeling that sick, we have to do something about it.'

'Gerard-'

'I mean what if it's something serious? Maybe we should go to the ER? I'll get you a bucket in case you throw up again.' I ignored her protest and got up again but she didn't let go of my arm.

'Gerard-'

She had started crying and the look on her face scared me. It literally felt like something extremely heavy on my chest kept me from breathing properly. What could I do to console her? What could I do to make it better? I pulled her into my arms and she immediately started sobbing against my chest, her cries so desperate that it brought tears to my own eyes even though I didn't even know what was going on. It was the worst feeling in the world, seeing someone you loved so much in pain, not knowing what to do, not able to make it better.

'Please tell me what I can do.' I whispered, stroking her hair, down over her back in hopes of calming her down.

'Nothing.' Finn replied.

'There must be something! Let me check if we have some Pepto or something.' I let go of her again and she sighed in frustration.

'Gerard, I'm not feeling sick!'

What? Huh? She wasn't feeling sick? Or possibly she was just saying it to stop me from fussing. But something WAS wrong, obviously. If she wasn't feeling sick, why was she crying?

'What's the matter then?' I asked.

Finn took a deep breath, sniffing as she looked at me with her big blue eyes.

'I think I'm pregnant.'

Notes

uh-ohhhh!!