CHOKE IN TRAGEDY

4.

The school bus is over-crowded, but Gerard manages to find us some seats. I'm sat by the window, trapped in the small space beside my brother. He keeps a hand resting on my lap, and his shoulder is pushed up against mine as if he's trying to protect me from somthing. The feeling is familiar and unnerving, causing me to fidget uncomfortably as the bus drives over lump after lump in the road. I still don't really know what I'm supposed to do at school. I've never really been, and I've been privately turoted for the last few years. They tell me that I'm smart, that I'll be able to pick everything up relatively over night, but how am I supposed to trust what a few doctors say? They've never been inside my head. They don't know what it's like, they don't know the horrors.
We arrive, and Gerard is pushing me about lightly, guiding me as we make our way inside. Everyone around me is like a rabid animal. Yelling, shoving, spitting, singing, eating and throwing trash around. I can't help but grimance, rubbing my hands together with a small shudder. "I need the bathroom," I tell Gerard, hoping that he will give me directions then go to and tend to his own little routine.
"I'll take you," his voice is in my ear.
I wash my hands frantically, feeling the blood that was leaking out of my eye covering them. It's disgusting, dirty, gross. I want to say this aloud, but I don't know if that is considered normal or not. I don't know what normal is anymore. "I can't get rid of the blood..." I murmer, cringing at the feel of it beneath my nails.
Gerard hears me. "Don't say things like that," he orders. "People will think you're a freak, Mikey,"
I am a freak.
"I'm sorry," I tell him, feeling pathetic and stupid. Gerard has always had this way of making me feel ridiculous.
A dull backdrop of silence falls over us. Nobody else is in the bathroom. It's old and run down, filled with grime and caked in filth. That's what I can see, anyway. Gerard appears to not be affected as he casually leans against the mouldy wall. "We need to get you registered," he says and then leads me out. There's something between us that I can't quite identify. Something that is blocking Gerard from acting normal. He's like this a lot when we're on our own. When somebody else is around, Gerard is so much chirpier. He'll have a grin of happiness spread across his face, and his eyes will be lit up with passion.
When he's with me he seems annoyed. Maybe it's because he hates me.
He hates me.
I gulp, not wanting tears to be leaking down my face before my first lesson even begins. I can never keep my emotions in check. Deep breaths, just like Lindsey told me. Just keep breathing. Focus on that, and the tears just dissapear.
Once I am registered, I am given a sheet of paper telling me which lessons I have. After studying it for a moment, Gerard snatches it away. "Hey..." he mumbles, the corner of his lips tugging upwards. I feel my stomach surge as his face displays something positive in contrast to his usual dark and brooding self. That's the only way to describe my brother. Dark and brooding. "You have the same classes as Frank,"
I don't know if this is good or not. Something sinks within my gut, but I wait for Gerard to tell me what I should think before creating any judgements. "Wait," I'm frowning. "How old is Frank? I thought he was in your grade,"
"Frank?" Gerard snorts. "Does that midget look like he's seventen? No, Mikey. He's in your grade. He's a little younger than you,"
"Oh..." I mumble, thinking of the times that I have seen Frank all fired up, pushing Gerard against our bedroom wall as he plastered kisses around his mouth. "So it is okay for someone under sixteen to be having sex with a seventeen year old,"
Gerard gawks at me as we come to an abrupt stop in the corridor. "What?"
"It doesn't matter," I shake my head.
"Yes it does. What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You and Frank," I'm pointing it out as if it is obvious. "You're dating, aren't you?"
For a moment, Gerard stares at me with disbelief in his eyes. "Um, no. No we're not dating," he eventually shakes his head. "Anything you ah... saw, Mikey that was just a one time thing. I don't even like guys. Me and Frank were just fooling around,"
"Why don't you like guys?" I ask curiously.
"Because I said so," his eyes are cold and hard, unpenterable as they glare at me. Once again, I feel self-loathe wash over my body as I look down in embarressment. I've just upset him, and now he hates me even more. Great.
I hover there for a moment awkwardly before I realize that we are stood right outside my first lesson. Feeling like an idiot, I mumble an apology to my brother, before walking into the classroom.

xo

It's busy. Students are rushing around, knocking chairs over and basically just being animals. Disgusted, I quickly inform the teacher of my presence and then hide at the back of the room, sinking low into my seat. The lesson starts, and it's not particually interesting. "Sorry I'm late!" a sudden blur shoots into the room, apologizing rapidly before being scolded by the teacher. I recognise him as Frank, my brother's boyfriend, and shuffle uncomfortably. As soon as he sees me, his eyes light up and he rushes to the empty seat at my immediate left. "Hey, Mikey," he pants, exausted as he lets his breathing catch up with him. "S'good... to see you... in school,"
"Are you okay?" I ask him. He closes his eyes and nods violently.
"I just... really need to stop smoking... bad lungs... fuck..." his face scrunches up and he bites his lip. "I ran all the way here from home... fucking, Gerard. He usually gives me a wake up call, but the asshole must have forgotten again,"
For a minute, I sit there and study him. This is the first time we've ever properly spoken, and I've known him years. I honestly believed him to be almost a monster or something due to the lack of interaction that would take place between us when I'd see him with Gerard. Suddenly, the red faced and gasping for air 4" boy wasn't so scary. I smile. The next twenty minutes of the lesson are fuzzy, blanked out partly by the increased amount of medication I had taken this morning. I feel dizzy and light headed, but I swallow it all back and force myself to complete the worksheet in front of me.
"This makes no fucking sense," a frustrated Frank throws his pen down on the table then crosses his arms tightly across his chest. The look of angry defience on his pouting face is almost admirable. Pure rebellion.
"Here," I lean over towards his paper, and pick up his discarded pen. "It's easy. You just gotta work out the speed of the cyclist as he travels on each of the different sections by using the graph. Speed is distance divided by time, which in this case is five hundred divided by eighty. The answer to that is six point twenty five. On the long straight, his speed is one hundred divided by thirty, which is three point three," I glance up at Frank to check that he is understanding everything as I explain it to him. All I recieve is a confused blink. He pushes his paper towards me and I roll my eyes.
"I don't know how people can just know all of that," he mumbles, taking my pen and shoving it in his mouth. I bite back the temptation to snatch it away from him and put up with the disgusting habit as he chews on it. "I mean, I can understand it if I try. When I listen, I get stuff. But, I'll only get it for like ten minutes and then I'll forget. They expect us to remember too much fucking stuff, it's ridiculous. I just give up,"
"Well..." I begin to say. He looks at me, his face evident that he is expecting me to begin explaining the anatomy of a squirrel or something. Instead, I blurt out: "Is it normal for a guy to like another guy?"
Frank looks almost shell shocked. "Really?" he gasps, his lips cracking into a huge grin. My face remains solemn. "Little Mikey Way thinks he might be gay?"
"Aren't you?" I ask him. I'm feeling some kind of confidence bubbling up inside of me. I'm comfortable around Frank. He makes things so much easier than when I am with Gerard.
"Listen, Mikey..." he's smiling as he shakes his head from side to side. Not in denial, though. "Yes, it is completly normal for a guy to like another guy. Anybody who tells you otherwise it a total ass goblin,"
"Okay," is all I reply with. My real question however, is left unanswered. I decide to leave it for another day

Notes