I am afraid to keep on living

(Gerard's pov)

I ran out of my own room, where Cassie was. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa. I looked at the the TV, it was off but I could saw my reflection on the screen. The reflection of the most stupid man ever. Not only I have given up on the girl I like… no, I don’t like her, I fucking love Cassie and I have given up on her, but not only that, I’m sure I have hurted her.

I looked at my reflection on the screen. “You are stupid, you’re the worst human being alive!” I said to my own reflection. Now Cassie must hate me, and I understand her, I would hate me too, in fact I hate me right now. How could I have been that stupid?

All the kisses we gave to each other were perfect, she states like coffee, her lips are warm and soft, the way she played with my hair when we kissed a couple of minutes ago… I have given up on all that… but if I let that continue, someone could find out and could notify the authorities and with that I would go to jail, also with that I would not be aloud to see Cassie again and that would be worse than not dating her. Maybe that is just a paranoia but, what if it happens?

Why was all this difficult? Why did I fall in love with a student? Why don’t I like a girl of my age? Or at least older than eighteen? I am a fucking failure with love… Suddenly a voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Do you realize what you have done?” I turned back and saw an angry Mikey. “What?” I asked confused. What was he speaking about? Last week I played to one of the video games he has in his room, maybe I deleted something of the video game and now he was mad at me. “I think you know what I’m talking about.” He said walking towards me and sitting next to me on the sofa.

“No… I don’t know it, that’s why I have asked you… Are you mad because I have deleted a game?” I asked. He opened his eyes more than ever. “That you did what?!” Okay, I guess it wasn’t that. “Nothing, nothing… Can you explain me why are you mad?” “Can you explain me what happened yesterday?” He asked. Again? So he was mad at me because I didn’t tell him what happened yesterday…

I sighed and said “Mikey, it’s not of your business and you can’t get mad at me only because I don’t tell something to you.” “It’s not that.” I would never understand my brother. “So, what is it then?” “I already know what happened yesterday, also what happened today when you and Cassie were outside the room and also what happened in your room before.” Wait, what?! How does he know that?! “Have you been spying on us?!” I was the one that was angry now. “No, I would never do that.” He defended himself. “So?” “Cassie told me.”

I was expecting everything but that. Why did Cassie tell him that? Mikey is my brother! He doesn’t need to know with who I kiss! “Why did she tell you what happened?” “Well, when I find out that she harmed herself, I decided to search for her razor and when I find it, I took it and in its place I left a note saying that if she has any problem I would help her. So, when you said her that you two couldn’t be, she found the note and went to my room crying.” “Was… was I going to be the reason for her to harm herself?” Mikey didn’t say anything and looked to the floor. Fuck, I felt even worse than before. “Are you going to speak to her about that?” He asked me. But, I… I…” I muttered. “Excuses. Okay, Gerard, I get the point.” He said and went to his room.

I layed down on the sofa and guess what… the sofa broke. Fine, this wasn’t my day. Where was I suppose to sleep now? I walked towards my brother’s room and knocked at the door. “Mikey the sofa is broken, can I sleep with you?” I asked. “Of course not.” He answered, fuck him. I looked at the door of my room, there wasn’t another alternative...I knocked at the door and I heard Cassie’s beautiful voice saying “yeah?”

Notes