I am afraid to keep on living

(Cassie's pov)

“I kissed you because I think… I think I like you.” Gerard said and instantly he flushed. OMFG! Was he serious? Was I dreaming? He just said that he likes me! Now he was staring at me. “I told you my reason, now is your turn.” Should I tell him the same? I looked at his beautiful hazel eyes that were still staring at me waiting for an answer.

Come on, Cassie, you can tell him. “Erm…” Fuck, it was more difficult than I thought. Gerard didn’t take his look of me and that made it more difficult to say. Okay, Cassie, relax. Just say it. Three, two… “The same.” I’m stupid. I wasn’t brave enough to say ‘I like you too’ and I said that, it sounded stupid. I looked at Gerard to see his reaction. He was there, standing in front of me, with a poker face. He didn’t say anything but I noticed that he started to get nervous, his lips started tremble at the same time as his hands. His lips… They were very soft and warm when he kissed me… I wanted more.

I pressed my lips on him once again, this time in a short but cute kiss. When the little kiss ended he looked at me and bit his lower lip. Then he pushed me to the wall and placed his arms around me and kissed me. I moved my arms around his neck and while the kissed continued i moved my left hand to his head ruffling his hair. He grabbed my butt making me moan and Gerard took advantage of my open mouth to introduce his tongue in it.

When our lips separated he looked at me smiling seductively. Fuck he is not cute… he is hot! I grabbed him by the head bringing him back to me and kissed him again. He accidentally kicked the table that was next to us and from it, a drawing with a mark on it that was a B. He looked at the drawing, then he separated from me and sat on the floor grabbing his head and shaking it while he muttered constantly the word ‘no’.

“Gerard?” He didn’t answer. I sat next to him and placed my hand on his back. “Gerard, is something wrong?” He slowly turned his head to me. “Yes! There’s something wrong with me!” He said, then he looked to the floor and muttered something that I understanded like ‘what have I done?’ “What do you mean with that?” Without looking at me he said: “You are my student, you aren’t even eighteen. This can’t be, Cassie, this can’t be…” His voice slowly went lower and lower as he spoke, lower and lower as my mood… He just said that us can’t be... after we kissed!

Why he has changed his mind that radically? I wanted to say something to make him change that, but words couldn’t went out of my mouth. “But… but…” He stood up and without even turning to look back at me he whispered “I’m sorry” and went out of the room.

I stayed there, on the floor.I felt a tear rolling down my cheek… Maybe this happened because I don’t deserve him. I mean, look at me, I’m short, my face is awful, I have no parents, no skills and my arms are covered in sad and horrible scars, while he has a perfect face with that beautiful hazel eyes, his lovely and clean pale skin, his smile, they he normally acts nice with his students... I’m nothing compared to him, I can’t be with him.

I ran to pick my razor from my bag. But instead of finding my razor a find a note.

Not again Cassie, you can’t do this to yourself. Please, try to be happy, if there´s anything wrong, you can talk to me whenever you want, okay? I would help you with all that you need, just please, don’t harm yourself, you don’t deserve it.

Love, Mikey.

I wiped my tears. Mikey can be very sweet when he wants. Maybe I could talk to him about this, he is his brother, he would understand that reaction better than me.

Notes

This was a confusing chapter, first Gerard and Cassie kissing, then a sad part and then I think that Mikey's note was kinda cute.